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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To hate school for backing me into a corner

399 replies

Becks84 · 17/02/2017 13:31

My six year old ds has Sen and is currently in year one at school. Since he started back last septemeber it's been hell. His year one teacher was horrible and made no attempt to try and understand his needs and she was very abrupt telling me his diagnosis doesn't excuse how he behaves. Come October we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted our ds to go back into reception temporarily. We reluctantly agreed just to see if things would improve but they didn't and he had multiple exclusions. He went back after Christmas and again we were called in to see the head who told us they wanted him to go on a reduced timetable. We told her that we didn't agree with it and she told us straight that if we didn't agreed we'd have to find our ds another school!

So he's been on this reduced timetable for five weeks now and things still aren't improving at school and have actually got worse at home. I do not want him at the school anymore and have been to view a couple others but as the local authority have agreed to assess for an EHCP moving him isn't an option right now. But I'll be blunt. This reduced timetable is fucking killing me! Not only is it affecting my ds as he doesn't understand why he's being sent home every lunchtime it's also killing me.

My dh works full time on shifts and I'm at home currently as I had to quit my job. Without wanting to come across as a selfish cow, I need that time when my ds is at school to recharge my batteries. We are currently trying to decorate the house after having plastering done due to ds destroying the house but we can't get anything done as by the time I've dropped him at school, done a bit of food shopping and errands it's like 11.30 and I need to go back for him at 12.00. Plus I signed up to a couple of courses (parenting, neurodevlopmental, sensory problems etc) and I'm now having to mither family memebers to have my ds as my dh is working so can't. I rarely rely on family to help, because my side of the family don't really do babysitting and although my husband's family will help out we only usually ask them twice a year for mine and dh's birthdays so that we can go out for a few hours. I've always paid for nursery and out of school care myself when I was working and the whole point of being at home is that I don't have to rely on people to help, as I hate asking.

I'm absolutely exhausted and whilst I know really it's all about my son and how he's coping but if I'm not coping and feeling tired all the time I can't really help him can I. I feel as though I'm back at the nursery stage having him there a couple of hours and having to rush round to get things done before I have to go back for him. But I've been there done that and didn't wish to go back to it.

School know I don't work so are absolutely taking the piss just assuming I won't mind picking my son up at lunchtimes, but i do. Not because I'm this mean mum who would rather lunch with friends than look after my own child, but because one, he is entitled to a full time education, and two, why do they have the right to back me into a corner and not give me a say in what happens to my son. Aibu here?

OP posts:
Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 22:06

This reply has been deleted

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PolterGoose · 18/02/2017 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumsexatthebingo · 18/02/2017 22:10

Don't mince your words Leatherfireguard
But I agree it was a very goady post. And saying 'Not being controversial but....' is a strange opening to a post that is downright offensive.
It is the witholding of support in mainstream schools that is causing attitudes like this though - that sen kids are an inconvenience at best and a danger at worst. When they are supported properly they aren't ime.

Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 22:34

It was vile. As if the OP needs to justify what she's doing while her child is attempting to access education! No other parent does! Kingpin20 i truly hope you get a grip and either see how misguided your views are, or more as i suspect, stop poking at a woman who has more on her plate than you will ever dream of. Your post disgusts me.

SusanTrinder · 18/02/2017 22:34

Mainstream primary teacher.

Apologies - not RTFT, so disregard if these suggestions have been made, but have the school tried both an ABCC form and Emotion Coaching with your son?

The fact that the school haven't identified his triggers is incredibly worrying; having been in this situation as a teacher, this is priority #1 to keep everyone (child, other pupils, staff) safe.

As them directly if they use an ABCC form - this looks at the events surrounding an incident in great detail. If they're unwilling to do this, ring your council and ask to talk to the behaviour support specialist.

Julia001 · 18/02/2017 22:46

Take a look here, the school are putting one over on you, your son is entitled to an education and the help that his condition (whatever it may be) needs. Your first step would be to have a look here www.ipsea.org.uk/what-you-need-to-know/school-duties and to all those berating you for being unable to control your son, when you have had a child with difficulties, then you can judge.

FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 22:48

Agree bum Sen kids aren't always an inconvenience or dangerous with 1 to 1 (although they still can be)...
Biggest problem is that even with the best will in the world and the school and parents following all the excellent advice on here, there is not always the option due to money/resources in mainstream. So it comes down to the best course of action for the 29 rather than the 1 in the class. And as pp rightly pointed out up thread, school may be reluctant to go down exclusion route due to top down (official) pressure. You then need to find an educational establishment which is a better fit for your child, rather than continuing to flog a dead horse, where no one wins. IMHO.

kingpin20 · 18/02/2017 22:58

I am 100% behind the op, the school is failing her ds because it can't cope. My point though is, her reasons for wanting him there full time when he

  1. isn't coping 2)the school isn't coping with his behaviour
  2. other children are involved in this and are no less important than the ops son.

People are on about others not being sympathetic if not in the same boat, that's simply not true.

If the school is not coping. Move him. I get it isn't that cut and dried but the op , in her original post, stated she doesn't want to live him but get him in school for more hours. Stuff the consequences for everyone else.

She's admitted the type of behaviour her ds exhibits at school and I would say that's very damaging for other 6 year olds to witness and on the receiving end of.

I simply don't understand why she'd want him to be there full time knowing this. Unless it's so she can get her decorating and shopping fine, as her original post suggests.

Fgs I want this child to have the same education as any other child because to me one is not more important than the other. Each deserves an education but when one child is so clearly unsuited that the school has to partially exclude him, they are not doing it to inconvenience the op or because she doesn't work. I should imagine they are doing it because they do not have the resources to cope. Refusing to pick him up so he has to stay there, as one poster put, is not solving the problem is it? And lacks total empathy with every single child in that class and also with a teacher not able to cope.

So she wants to get her decorating finished, shop in peace, bloody 'recharge'. Sorry but you have a dear little boy desperate for your help those things will simply have to wait.

Sen kids are not an inconvenience, who the hell said that? Of course they are not. But if they are in a school that can't cope with behaviour the op described I am simply lost as to why you would want to leave them there and extend their hours there? Completely disregarding the problems that will come from this exact action,

Spikeyball · 18/02/2017 23:03

So she moves him immediately to another mainstream school. How will that help?

DixieNormas · 18/02/2017 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spikeyball · 18/02/2017 23:16

You know what kingpin, if you don't want your child around children who display behaviours you don't like, there is a simple solution. Take your child out of school.

FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 23:16

I don't know where some ppl think the school is supposed to magic up these resources from. That's the reason alternative educational establishments were set up, as the same level of support simply cannot be provided in every school /class in the country!

FrayedHem · 18/02/2017 23:17

The LA rep has already said she thinks the OP's son may need to go into a specialist provision. The OP does not have the right to move her child to one, only the LA can. IIRC from previous threads, the OP is on a border with another LA and she I think was advised against moving mainstream as it would be a different LA and further complicate the EHCP process.

If the OP voluntarily removes her child from education, the LA is likely to make it even more difficult to get an EHCP. They already refused to assess despite her child being on a part-time timetable with multiple exclusions since September and 2 dxs. This is not the signal of an LA that is going to make it a seamless process.

If the school did permanently exclude then the LA would have to place him elsewhere. The school for now has decided to carry-on with the part-time timetable and the LA are supporting this. What can the OP really do?

kingpin20 · 18/02/2017 23:18

spikeyball
I said I realise it's not that cut and dried. But her posts says his reduced hours are killing her and she basically wants him in school full time.

I'm lost as to why (apart from her reasoning for decorating, shopping, recharging) she would want this given she hates the school and it's rubbish with regards to her sons needs.

i just think most people would move heaven and earth to get their child an education in the right place, and granted with Sen this is more challenging than it should be. I suppose I lost sympathy with the whole needing her me time thing so she wants him there full time. The only person benefitting from that it seems is the op.

Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 23:19

Fritzdonovan in this particular case the school is already receiving additional funding, a lot of it, yet is sending the child home early and keeping the money! That's disgraceful.

hazeyjane · 18/02/2017 23:22

You then need to find an educational establishment which is a better fit for your child

Where are all these alternative educational establishments that are a 'better fit'? I'd love to know.

Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 23:22

Kingpin are you deliberately obtuse? She cant move him, he is mid EHCP. She cant put him in specialist provision, assuming there even is some, without EHCP, and if she removes him from school completely the LA deem that she is electively home educating and wash their hands of him totally. She is over a barrell, the school know it and that's why they are royally taking the piss by getting her to pick him up.

Read that a few times till it sinks in.

Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 23:25

Id love to know too. Theyre like hens teeth here.

Spikeyball · 18/02/2017 23:27

Kingpin I think your comments about the op are disgusting and I suspect deliberately goady.

kingpin20 · 18/02/2017 23:28

Leatherfireguard

Her reasons for wanting him to go full time are purely selfish ones. All for her benefit, not her sons or other children

bumsexatthebingo · 18/02/2017 23:28

The op wants the child in full time with with the support he is entitled to and the school have received money for. How is that too much to ask?

FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 23:29

leather is the funding specific to him alone and being spent on staffing for 1to 1?(apologies if I've missed this) because if it is, and ds is still not able to be educated in school without disruption to others/adequate control, what else are they supposed to do? They have already allocated the money and it's not their fault it isn't working out. (not saying it's right, just don't see an alternative)

FrayedHem · 18/02/2017 23:30

Where are all these alternative educational establishments that are a 'better fit'? I'd love to know.

By the unicorn farm in Cloud Cuckoo land. if you get to Mermaid's Lake you've gone to far.

HTH

Spikeyball · 18/02/2017 23:31

The school are still saying they can meet the child's needs. They have not said, even when challenged about it, that they cannot cope.

Leatherfireguard · 18/02/2017 23:31

Are you fucking serious? She HAS to keep him there through the process, it is the School's responsibility to provide an education and they are getting EXTRA cash for him abd spending it on something else and it makes no difference if she is decorating or sitting in the park with a bag of glue, her child is entitled to a FULL TIME education.