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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.

237 replies

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 10:49

My friend, who has very few friends other than me, and is epileptic wants me to go to Paris with her to look after her on the journey. She has two meetings she has to attend with french relatives and solicitors, about a probate, and she is worried about being bullied and wants not only a travelling companion but an advocate with her in the meetings.

the meetings are two days apart during the Easter holidays.

She is offering me free flights, free hotel, and free choice of what we do on the day in between. She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to waste my holiday time on this.
I don't want to change my other arrangements and commitments
I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French
I don't think I can afford the "extra's" that are going to come up, restaurants, taxi fairs, etc.
And I don't want to go.

Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

and I need to make a definite decision and I'm wobbling towards, well it would be a kind and helpful thing to do, and some of it might be fun.

But I'm wishing she hadn't asked me.

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 17/02/2017 14:40

As others have said, there's a real blurring here between friend and carer. The fact that she is paying definitely means this trip is veering more into carer territory which comes with the expectation that you will fulfil certain duties. Also, if she feels she needs a companion on this trip, then epilepsy episodes must be severe/unpredictable in which case you will need decent French skills.

I think your big reveal that you have a 16-year-old dd is the perfect Out. You can say that you have given it careful consideration but you cannot leave your dd overnight for three days.

Niloufes · 17/02/2017 14:41

This is friendship make or break time me thinks...

Pigflewpast · 17/02/2017 14:44

Didn't OP say her friend was French?

geordiedench · 17/02/2017 14:46

OP, I got to p4 of this thread and haven't read the rest because I found so many answers unbelievably aggressive. I've been in your situation. A friend offered to pay my flight to LA because she had mobility issues. She was going to write a film script there and we would be staying at the beach house of her hollywood producer ex. Sounded fab. Except...she was a very demanding person who had no concept of the needs and rights of others. In return for free flight I'd have been expected to be an on-call servant 24/7 and grateful into the bargain.

is there something of that in the nature of your friendship? Is she a demanding person that you need to keep a bit of distance from because she will take liberally but not notice when you're drained or need to stop giving?

Don't feel guilty. It's the holidays. I'm presuming you have DC or a partner who are your first commitments, as well as the respite you've offered.

It's not a fair friendship if you're not allowed to turn down a request for a big favour, whatever some of the more critical MNers say.

ProfessionalPirate · 17/02/2017 14:46

ProPirate I think that its great the to you its not a big ask. I think its commendable that you would go to those lenghs for a friend and not see it as a big deal. HOWEVER can you really not empathise that to an awful lot of people that this would be a fairly big ask and they would have to really consider it before agreeing??
Yes I can empathise. But we're not being asked to consider this for a lot of people - just the OP, using the information that she has given us. The inconvenience to the OP seems to be relatively minimal under the circumstances (unless there are other issues we don't know about), and I would have thought that spending a few days in Paris with a friend would also have an enjoyable element to it as well.

I wouldn't blame the OP for turning this down, I just hope she does it for a better reason than 'I don't want to'

terrythetrex · 17/02/2017 14:48

I would say no, you obviously don't want to do it which is fine.

It is a big ask to spend a few days away from home, cancel already made plans, which could have a knock on effect to other families wanting respite care. Leaving your daughter at home alone.

You are her friend that doesn't mean you have to drop everything for her because she has asked. It would be a very one sided friendship.

I don't think it makes you a bad person/friend saying no.

ProfessionalPirate · 17/02/2017 14:53

I've been in your situation. A friend offered to pay my flight to LA because she had mobility issues. She was going to write a film script there and we would be staying at the beach house of her hollywood producer ex. Sounded fab. Except...she was a very demanding person who had no concept of the needs and rights of others. In return for free flight I'd have been expected to be an on-call servant 24/7 and grateful into the bargain.
But then how can you describe this person as a friend?? She sounds awful. Surely a friend is someone who you like as a person, enjoy their company etc. The OP didn't say 'this acquaintance who I don't really like at all and treats me terribly has asked...'

When the term friend is used, with no further qualification/back story, it is not fair to assume that is what it is?

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2017 15:03

In that case she will have to look into alternatives, as it sounds like she cannot travel without a chaperone. Op has several good reasons as to why she could not do it, she does not, it is not a summons, as they say on Mumsnet.

purpleprincess24 · 17/02/2017 15:08

Glad you're not my good friend 😏

A friend of mine is going through some fairly major medical issues and I'm taking a day off EVERY month to take her too a specific treatment, for which she's not allowed to drive afterwards.

Thats 12 days out of my 25 days annual leave, yet I wouldn't change anything and will do this for her as long as it takes

Now she is a GOOD friend

Laiste · 17/02/2017 15:13

You could sort the foster care thing if you wanted to.

You could tell her you can't afford to chip in with any money and make it work.

But,

  • If you wanted to help your friend you'd have sorted the above.
  • If your friend knew you didn't want to do this for her she wouldn't really want you there. So there's your answer.

The kindest and most respectful thing to do for her would be to tell her you can't join her. You could offer to help her with alternative arrangements - some of which have been put forward here. Such as a paid traveling companion, documents in order, french solicitor ect.

pimmsy · 17/02/2017 15:18

user1484226561

You have two days in between the meetings and Paris is lovely in the spring.

Must be very hard for your friend but if anything health related does happen the hospitals are very good here. Remember that is is usually the firemen (les pompiers 18 from any phone) that you call here (they are medically trained special vehicles), they arrive faster than the SAMU (15). They will speak english. If not 112 is the european emergency number.

If your friend is unwell but doesn't need hospital just to see a doctor in Paris you can call SOS Medecins or Urgences Medicales de Paris for a home/hotel visit and they normally take a couple of hours to arrive. (cost 53 euros reimbursed if your friend has social security rights)
01 47 07 77 77.

If it's for inheritance it probably won't be an "avocat" lawyer but more probably a "notaire".

I think you should come. Your friend needs you. Be kind.

littlefrog3 · 17/02/2017 15:34

To the people accusing the OP of being a poor friend by not wanting to do this; you could say the friend is a poor friend for asking her and expecting such a big ask!

The OP doesn't want to do it, she doesn't have to do it, it's a free country. The friend will have to ask someone else. I certainly would not be doing it; if that makes me a crap friend, then so be it. Close family members should be asked to do stuff like this, not friends.

As I said earlier, obviously the op can't be that close to her friend, or she would probably do it. But whether she is or not, that doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to do it.

Some people on this thread are saying they wouldn't want the OP to be their friend as she is so cold and heartless (apparently!) You could argue that the OP probably wouldn't want friends like (some of) the judgemental people on here who frankly, seem to have a massive entitled-to attitude.

NotYoda · 17/02/2017 15:39

The friend knows it's a big ask. How could she not?

You are perfectly entitled to say No

The bit that's harder to understand is why you feel angry at her. Like you can't deal with your own feelings of guilt so think it's OK to get angry and accuse her of something with your anger

That makes you sound NOT like a good friend

Timeforteaplease · 17/02/2017 15:40

The inconvenience to the OP seems to be relatively minimal under the circumstances
How the f**k can a 5 day trip be classified as 'relatively minimal inconvenience'?!

NotYoda · 17/02/2017 15:44

Also, what's weird is some of you on this thread seem to be getting angry at her asking. She's asked. The OP is entitled to say no if it's not convenient

pseudonymph · 17/02/2017 15:45

little - given that the friend is worried about being bullied at a probate meeting, it seems likely she doesn't have family she's close to.

Timeforteaplease · 17/02/2017 15:49

The bit that's harder to understand is why you feel angry at her.
That's easy - sounds like the OP is actually a kind, generous person who supports her friend enormously. Being asked for such a big favour and then the friend being upset when OP said no is why OP sounds angry.
It's OK for the friend to ask, but it's not OK for her to get upset with OP when she declines.

NotYoda · 17/02/2017 15:56

Time

If I couldn't do something for a friend and she got upset, I would not feel angry. I'd feel sorry she was upset. But the OP sounds like she feels guilt-tripped. I don't know whether she is or not

geordiedench · 17/02/2017 16:00

Professional Pirate - yes, she was a friend. She was outgoing, very witty, energetic, talented and a fascinating person with an incredible history. But she was also a bit of a bully towards flatmates, neighbours and close friends. She made huge demands on them and it was clear she saw her flatmate (who rented a room from her) as someone with no rights at all, who should be grateful and servile for being allowed to pay to live in her house and help her with her disability.
She was a charismatic woman (she's dead now) and we were friends but I kept a firm distance and didn't want to get too close as I knew she'd suck me dry and spit me out.
I find it possible to be friends with all sorts of people at all sorts of levels of intimacy. But I'd only go out of my way to the extent OP is being asked to for someone who was very helpful and kind to others, not for someone who checks the balance is always tipped a little in their favour.

oblada · 17/02/2017 16:10

Don't go. You don't want to. I would hate to be in your friend's position and have someone come only out of guilt or pity or after having to ask a bunch of strangers. I'd want my friend to go because she cares and she wants to support me. Best she knows that now rather than realises it later/during the trip.

ProfessionalPirate · 17/02/2017 16:17

How the fk can a 5 day trip be classified as 'relatively minimal inconvenience'?!
Well, if you weren't working and had no other plans...? What is so terribly inconvenient? Do you never go on trips with your friends?
Plus, why does it have to be 5 days? 2 meetings with 1 day between - could be done in 3 surely.
I think it's the other country bit that some people can't get their head around. If the friend was asking the OP to come and stay at her house for a few days, would that change things? Because the inconvience factor is the same.

WyfOfBathe · 17/02/2017 16:27

YANBU, I would probably say no to a trip like that, unless it was one of my very close friends. You wouldn't be going in the role of "friend", but of "carer" and I would find that very stressful. If she had a seizure - which sounds likely - there would be a lot of pressure on you in terms of communicating with French people: not just medics, but passers-by and angry motorists if she had a grand mal seizure on the street, for example, and her family/lawyers if she had to miss a meeting.

As a teacher, I would normally be spending my Easter holidays marking mock papers so I wouldn't really want to go on a stressful trip.

Does she not have anyone else she can ask?

ProfessionalPirate · 17/02/2017 16:29

geordiedench each to their own I suppose. I personally couldn't be friends with someone like that. Appart from anything else, I would hate to become the person that in one breath can list someone as a 'friend', and in the next be issuing them a character assassination, refusing favours etc. I'm fiercely loyal to my friends, as they are to me. If I found I couldn't maintain that, I would keep them as an acquaintance - at arms length.

Adarajames · 17/02/2017 16:42

Surely it's easier for her to rearrange to a time op or another could go with we than it is or the family who've booked a likely rate holiday knowing op is going to offer respite care to their disabled child?! Respite is all so very rare, and having booked a 2 week holiday in school holidays the family will have spent likely a fortune, so I'd see that previous commitment as more important than supporting the friend. Let's face it, it's not like there are enough respite carers out there that SS haven't already allocated op to someone or have spares free for 2 weeks to replace her if she drops out to help the friend!

CountUpTo3 · 17/02/2017 16:54

There are clearly underlying reasons for why you feel intensely reluctant to help your friend when you could, without a great deal of inconvenience to yourself. You need to come to terms with these reasons otherwise you'll feel guilty.

Although it's not your problem that your friend 'has no-one else', she has asked you for help, of which she has genuine need. You're not willing to go the extra mile for her, so rather than act out of pity or obligation, better to give a clear 'no' and settle the issue.

I don't think it's fair of you to be angry with her for asking you - she has thought it through and devised a solution that many people would be pleased with, maybe if they had a closer emotional tie to her.

IMO, rather than being stuck with you being begrudging and 'put upon' for the whole trip, she would be better served by getting her own 'notaire' and briefing him to attend. She could video-conference the meeting via Skype/FaceTime and avoid having to go to Paris at all. Maybe you could help her set this up if you have a computer and she does not?