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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.

237 replies

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 10:49

My friend, who has very few friends other than me, and is epileptic wants me to go to Paris with her to look after her on the journey. She has two meetings she has to attend with french relatives and solicitors, about a probate, and she is worried about being bullied and wants not only a travelling companion but an advocate with her in the meetings.

the meetings are two days apart during the Easter holidays.

She is offering me free flights, free hotel, and free choice of what we do on the day in between. She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to waste my holiday time on this.
I don't want to change my other arrangements and commitments
I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French
I don't think I can afford the "extra's" that are going to come up, restaurants, taxi fairs, etc.
And I don't want to go.

and I need to make a definite decision and I'm wobbling towards, well it would be a kind and helpful thing to do, and some of it might be fun.

But I'm wishing she hadn't asked me.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2017 13:01

Op has said that she does not want to go, she is entitled to make that decision, she should just let friend know asap.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 17/02/2017 13:02

Fuck me, the emotional blackmail shite going on here.

PausingFlatly · 17/02/2017 13:03

And wished she hadn't asked.
Response: Probably not as much as she wished she didn't have to.

Indeed. One of the things I hate most about being disabled is the blurring between Carer roles and Friend/Relative roles. It's the fucking pits. Now my condition has improved slightly I'm over the moon about being able to have friendships in which I'm not just perpetually asking for things.

But hating the situation doesn't magic it away. It is what it is. And it's soul-destroying. But the friend walking away leaves me up shit creek without a paddle.

pinboard · 17/02/2017 13:04

Don't go.
I am disabled.
I recently needed physical help on a trip with my kids.
Both my H and mother let me down. (long story)
I asked an old friend.
Friend did help (so kids didn't miss out on trip)
But it was so obviously a pain in the arse for them that the friendship is irretrievably damaged anyway. I was mortified, they were irritated.
Your friend needs help.
You don't want to.
End of, really.
Just tell her honestly and tell her NOW so she can try and get another friend to help in time.

Katy07 · 17/02/2017 13:05

If she needed medical help you;d be useless; she needs a carer that can speak French.
^^ This would bother me a lot. I admit I don't know much at all about epilepsy but it sounds like it's a big part of the OP's friend's life (rather than the occasional seizure that might well not occur on the trip) and therefore might be a lot more to deal with in a foreign country in a language that you don't know.
OP, is there no way she can deal with the whole issue via Skype or videoconferencing or something so that she doesn't need to go to Paris? That way you could be a support without all the upheaval, and it might be a lot easier for her. I know she doesn't have internet but you do, or she could hire the facilities for less than the cost of the trip.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2017 13:05

Thanks goodness for common sense, instead of these guild tripping op, who sounds like a very reasonable and lovely person. It is a very big ask, and op has every right to say no. No its not like taking her to the hospital, or looking after her in her own home for a couple of days, plus op will have to pay extra, and cannot afford that. user don't feel guilty, you sound like a good friend,

Katy07 · 17/02/2017 13:06

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 13:07

Mrs : I am not clear at what point in all these posts user's friend has sounded entitled. The implication is that she has asked once. And user is now angry with her.

The original question was whether she was being unreasonable to turn down an 'all expenses paid' trip (although some of the issue does seem to be that it s not all expenses at all and will cost money; fair enough)

User you claimed confusion about whether you should go and then have been herded into a defensive corner about why you don't want to go.

Can you explain what it is, after all those angry faces, that makes you partly want to go? That's not been very clear.

Timeforteaplease · 17/02/2017 13:07

MrsDesireeCarthorse - I completely agree with you.

Original poster

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 13:07

OP, is there no way she can deal with the whole issue via Skype or videoconferencing or something so that she doesn't need to go to Paris?

that would make sense, after all, there must be some sort of contingency for people who absolutely cannot travel...

OP posts:

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 13:09

And I don't think many people are emotionally blackmailing, unless you haven't RTFT. From all sides of this argument, nearly everyone is saying don't go. For lots of different reasons.

kingpin20 · 17/02/2017 13:12

She needs a good friend to support her. Don't go, you aren't one. why are you saying that? I am here to discuss whether I should or should no do this thing I really don't want to do, for a friend, why would you say I am not a good friend?

You answered your own question right there. YOU do not want to go. YOU YOU YOU.

Your friend needs SUPPORT. its not inconveniencing you at all as you've already pointed out you don't actually have plans in place, you don't have to take time off work. Its quite simple - YOU don't want to go. Its only France ffs, not the other side of the world and its only for 3 days.

Selfish much?

Original poster

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 13:13

User you claimed confusion about whether you should go and then have been herded into a defensive corner about why you don't want to go.

I don't feel defensive at all, I am just seeing if mumsnet can help me with this decision

Can you explain what it is, after all those angry faces, that makes you partly want to go? That's not been very clear.

because when I said I couldn't because I was busy, she got very upset, that's why I partly want to go.

OP posts:

ProfessionalPirate · 17/02/2017 13:14

She's asked a favour of you, that's all. It's not compulsory to agree and refusing doesn't make you selfish or a bad friend. Real friends will also understand this and respect your right to decline - the idea of ending a friendship because a friend won't do you a (very big) FAVOUR? Wow. Entitled much?
Hardly. I don't see this as a 'very big' favour at all. The inconvenience of attending just 2 meetings is offset by the fact that the OP gets a nice trip to paris with a friend, which most people would consider a treat. The poor woman is offering to pay for flights and hotel, and presumably has no one else to turn to. How do you make her out to be entitled?!

SuperVeggie · 17/02/2017 13:14

I have just read this whole thread, because I know someone who is in a similar situation to the OP's friend (I don't mean with the trip to Paris, but I mean having a medical condition and not many people to help them out with it). But I ALSO know several people who are like the OP, and seem to end up doing a lot of 'caring' roles for other people. Yes, these types of roles are usually voluntary (e.g. fostering, offering to look after elderly neighbours) but that doesn't mean that you don't sometimes tire of being that person who always has to fulfil that caring role. It can feel like a big responsibility that you did not necessarily ask for, and one that you now may have to bear ad infinitum. Yes, it's also true that the friend didn't ask to have epilepsy, but that doesn't mean the OP's feelings aren't valid.

In your situation OP I think I would call the children's services and tell them you are no longer available during the Easter hols because of family illness (they don't have to know that your friend is just a friend and not your cousin or something). I would take the trip with your friend to Paris and support her as best you can. Then I would spend the rest of the Easter holidays relaxing and taking some time out for yourself.

Finally, and I'm kicking myself right now for addressing it, but it should be fairly obvious why there is a difference between 'Person with epilepsy' and 'an epileptic person'. Grammatically they convey the same meaning, but some people feel that phrasing it the latter way can make the person feel defined or labelled by their disability. Similar to the way that, in teaching/childcare roles, you are not meant to say to a child 'You are very naughty' but instead phrase it 'That was a very naughty thing to do'. OP you MUST be familiar with that example, so it is not too difficult to extend the same logic to labels and disabilities. Some people say this is 'political correctness gone mad' and perhaps that is your view. But you must be able to see the logic behind it, even if you don't agree with it.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 13:14

That's not wanting to go, though, that is feeling guilty (or angry with her for making you feel guilty). I am sure you can move past that.

Original poster

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 13:15

its not inconveniencing you at all as you've already pointed out you don't actually have plans in place, you don't have to take time off work well it is, and I do, so that doesn't make any sense, and yes, this thread is about me, thats what I started it for.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 13:16

It also means leaving DD alone at home, which I am not very comfortable about, but it has to happen sometime, I suppose, she is 16. She's VERY happy with the idea!!!

OP posts:

August1984 · 17/02/2017 13:17

Sounds like you give a lot to me. Teacher, foster carer and friend to someone who relies on you enough that you know the ins and outs of her condition well. Maybe you just feel like you've given a lot and this particular ask is too much or maybe responsibility for someone else in an unfamiliar country where you don't speak the language is weighing on you which seems pretty legit.

Oblomov17 · 17/02/2017 13:23

Glad you aren't my friend.

Notanotherpawpatrol · 17/02/2017 13:23

That's a pretty big dripfeed

MadMags · 17/02/2017 13:23

Travelling over there seems excessive.

And if she's French, does she really have nobody over there that can help?

You don't want to go and you have your reasons, even if strangers on the internet don't deem them valid enough.

I honestly think you should leave it. You've already said no.

Pigflewpast · 17/02/2017 13:24

Newtoday · 17/02/2017 13:25

I'm involved in foster care. Respite foster care in the holidays is much needed, and takes much emotional preparation. I can imagine, even if you've been involved in fostering for years, you've still already starting doing the emotional prep in your head to care for a child over Easter. As you rightly say, you're not in it for the money!

Respite foster care in badly under resourced and if you are in a position to provide 2 weeks of care to a vulnerable child, that would certainly be my priority.

In this day and age Skype meetings are common. I'd contact social services to find out about the likelihood of having a child over Easter, not forgetting you may be called up for last minute emergency care.

I take my hat off to you, it's a wonderful thing you do! And that would be priority number 1!

SuperVeggie · 17/02/2017 13:25

August this is a more succinct version of what I was trying to say!

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