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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.

237 replies

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 10:49

My friend, who has very few friends other than me, and is epileptic wants me to go to Paris with her to look after her on the journey. She has two meetings she has to attend with french relatives and solicitors, about a probate, and she is worried about being bullied and wants not only a travelling companion but an advocate with her in the meetings.

the meetings are two days apart during the Easter holidays.

She is offering me free flights, free hotel, and free choice of what we do on the day in between. She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to waste my holiday time on this.
I don't want to change my other arrangements and commitments
I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French
I don't think I can afford the "extra's" that are going to come up, restaurants, taxi fairs, etc.
And I don't want to go.

Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

and I need to make a definite decision and I'm wobbling towards, well it would be a kind and helpful thing to do, and some of it might be fun.

But I'm wishing she hadn't asked me.

OP posts:
ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 12:38

As for your original post : even in that to me you sound unpleasant. Why are you angry at your friend for asking you?

If you tell her you have posted this and expressed to MN what an awful person she is to make you so angry and put you in a terrible position, then she may realise you aren't the friend she should be asking.

PausingFlatly · 17/02/2017 12:39

If you do go, I hope you manage to have a fabulous time outside the business stuff.

And if you fancy time on your own, do make sure you get that.

You could perhaps explain that you've been mentally in Carer or Responsible Adult mode for while, and if she's OK alone in the hotel you need to go out for break so you can switch to being in Friend mode.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:39

she doesn't have an internet connection Ilkebeans

OP posts:
ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 12:40

That was what I was saying user - you don't need to book time off. This may have made you look more selfish. People did keep asking you about that.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:41

Why are you angry at your friend for asking you?

because I felt it put me in a very difficult position, that's why. I really wish she had someone else to ask.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 17/02/2017 12:42

Would it also help to check with her beforehand about any expenses you are likely to incurr? It would help if you both had the same expectations.

deblet · 17/02/2017 12:42

Having a son who is an adult with a disability and is very vulnerable your post makes me sad. Sad that in the future when I am not here he may ask someone he thinks is a friend to help and support him and they will have the unkind response you have had. I cannot believe somebody who is a foster parent who presumably, unless its just for the money, feels some empathy and sympathy for children cannot extend that to an adult.

SeaCabbage · 17/02/2017 12:42

Would it also help to check with her beforehand about any expenses you are likely to incurr? It would help if you both had the same expectations.

AprilShowers16 · 17/02/2017 12:43

I think if she is a good friend then go, the fact you are questioning it make me think she's probably not that close a friend or she thinks of you of a closer friend than you think of her? I don't think I would have any question about doing this for a close friend, don't do it if you're going to resent her for it, that's not fair either

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 12:43

OMG user you are so cold. You are posting this stuff precisely because you know you can say what you like as she can't see it. I didn't suggest that she should read it. I would be horrified for her if she did.

Obviously you were having a vent. So just have your vent and then don't go. You don't want to.

No need to come up with a range of reasons : the words don't want were clearly enough said several times over.

littlefrog3 · 17/02/2017 12:43

I think I would jump at a free trip to Paris. Grin But at the same time, if you don't want to do it OP, then DON'T. I have had experience of a clingy and annoying woman I know quite recently, who wants me to take her here and there, when I simply do not want to do it. Not least because she is terribly annoying, is an acquaintance more than a friend, and had a go at me when I had a genuine reason to not take her somewhere.

So I guess it depends how good a friend she is. I think if she were a real friend, and you genuinely cared about her, you would do it. And I am sorry if this sounds harsh.... don't go with her by all means; that is your right, but don't kid yourself or anyone else that you care about her. As I said, if you did, you would go with her.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 12:44

Your friend having no one else to ask should make you sad for her, not angry.

SoupDragon · 17/02/2017 12:45

And wished she hadn't asked.

Probably not as much as she wished she didn't have to.

Idefix · 17/02/2017 12:45

Do you think you need to redivide your friendship with your friend op? There was another thread today about lob sided friendships and this sounds like it might be the same in your situation.

Surely better for you and your friend, I would be mortified if my asking something from a friend left them feeling the way you do.

Idefix · 17/02/2017 12:45

Revise

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:47

I cannot believe somebody who is a foster parent who presumably, unless its just for the money this always makes me laugh, it COSTS ME MONEY to foster, i don't make a profit our of it!

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 17/02/2017 12:47

She is asking a lot from you.
If it's OK for her to ask such as big thing, it's equally OK for you to say no.
Don't feel bad if you don't want to do it.

manicinsomniac · 17/02/2017 12:47

I actually don't think you should feel you have to go. It would be a lovely thing to do for a friend but it's not a small thing. I'd definitely do it if I could (I mean, come on, it's an all expenses paid trip to Paris Grin ) but can think of numerous reasons, some that would sound legit to anybody and some that are much more personal and 'silly', that would mean I wouldn't/couldn't. I don't think you deserve judgement if you decide you can't go. As much as I feel sorry for this lady, if you only have one friend, then the help you are able to get from friends is obviously much more limited.

So, I would go if you possibly can, but if you can't/really don't want to then I think that's totally valid. As long as you tell her and don't keep her hanging. If I was your friend, I wouldn't be ending a friendship over it either (especially if I didn't have friends to spare!) I'd be eternally grateful if you helped me but I wouldn't expect it as a given.

And I agree that the epileptic debate is ridiculous. My mum has been epileptic my whole life. I've never ever heard her or anybody else describe her as a woman with epilepsy. It's not even (in her case) a disability, it's an illness/condition, so the model doesn't even apply - as I imagine the case is with most epileptics. Only rarely is it uncontrolled to a point that it's a disability. It's more like trying to say that asthmatic and diabetic aren't words than autistic or downs, which I can see shouldn't be used without a person' permission.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:48

You are posting this stuff precisely because you know you can say what you like as she can't see it

its an opportunity for me to lay it out, and have other people's opinions, I wouldn't do it if she had an internet connection, would I!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:49

No need to come up with a range of reasons : the words don't want were clearly enough said several times over.

exactly, I've said it exactly as it is, I don't want to!

OP posts:
ProfessionalPirate · 17/02/2017 12:50

Couldn't agree more ILikeBeans, cold is the word. I feel unspeakably sorry for this woman if she considers OP to be her closest friend.

pinkdelight · 17/02/2017 12:51

OP, please don't let people guilt you into going. You're clearly not a selfish person and if it wasn't such a big ask I'm sure you'd be supportive, but it is a big ask. Not comparable to a hospital visit or even a couple of days. You clearly don't want to do it and are under no obligation. All this talk of you being a bad friend and god forbid if you need help etc etc is fine for people over the internet to say but you know how good a friend you are and shouldn't be doing it out of fear of some kind of karmic retribution. Instead of looking at it as you're letting down this person with hardly any friends, people could easily look at it another way and say you've already been a good friend by sticking by her when others clearly haven't. And if she is a friend then she should understand this is too much to ask of you right now and there's no way it should be a friendship ender. Be strong and do what you want. Don't feel bad.

Timeforteaplease · 17/02/2017 12:52

She is not asking for a lift to the station, or a few hours babysitting or to borrow a tenner.

She wants you to look after her for 5 days on an overseas trip. That's a massive ask. You are not obliged to say yes if you do not want to.

PausingFlatly · 17/02/2017 12:52

(Just realised that my post above may be bad advice, if friend is concealing from herself how much she's asking for a Carer role, and the fact that you wouldn't go on this particular trip if she didn't have that need.)

Kr1stina · 17/02/2017 12:53

In your situation , this is what I would do

Tell my SW I was not available for respite that weekend
Tell friend I would go but explain that I couldn't afford to pay for other things such as taxis
Ask her to instruct a French solicitor and say I would attend meeting only as friend and cannot give legal advice
Ask friend to write out in French all details of her condition, medication etc and you keep a copy
Check she has appropriate medical forms / insurance etc