I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.

[user1484226561]

My friend, who has very few friends other than me, and is epileptic wants me to go to Paris with her to look after her on the journey. She has two meetings she has to attend with french relatives and solicitors, about a probate, and she is worried about being bullied and wants not only a travelling companion but an advocate with her in the meetings.

the meetings are two days apart during the Easter holidays.

She is offering me free flights, free hotel, and free choice of what we do on the day in between. She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to waste my holiday time on this.
I don't want to change my other arrangements and commitments
I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French
I don't think I can afford the "extra's" that are going to come up, restaurants, taxi fairs, etc.
And I don't want to go.

and I need to make a definite decision and I'm wobbling towards, well it would be a kind and helpful thing to do, and some of it might be fun.

But I'm wishing she hadn't asked me.

People are being quite mean to the OP i think. Theres a massive difference between supporting a friend at home and leaving your own child to care fot a friend in a foreign country. And thats not including the costs whilst out there.
I'd br worried if somethinv happened to my friend and she required medical care that i wpuldnt speak enough french to help her get the best care. Id also be really worried about shifting more towards carer might change our dynamic.
All real reasons to have reservations.

If it were me, id see if DD could stay with family/friends and I'd go to support my friend as long as there was a separate carer (or clear support) for medical issues.

I think you should go but be very clear that it must be all expenses paid. Explain that you will require a certain amount of euros per day for meals, taxis, sightseeing (say 100) in addition to travel and accommodation.

Not being upfront about this will lead to bad feelings later.

I honestly can't believe some of the answers on here.

If one of my friends needed help like this I wouldn't even have to think before saying yes. Even if it meant a massive inconvenience to me. Or even expense.
Because, quite simply, that's what friends do.

What about expenses?
I'm guessing that there will be four evening meals that need to be paid for and three lunches (assuming brekky is included in hotel bill) plus taxis/metro/coffees/drinks/entrance fees on the day off.
Does your friend expect you to pay for those for yourself - or possibly both of you (as she is paying for flights/hotel)?
This could be very expensive in Paris, even if you are just covering your own costs.

OP didn't actually mention her DDs existence til end of page 7 maisy.
OP how often do you need to act as carer for your friend normally? Does she very frequently need medical help day to day? People keep saying you'd struggle if she needed help in France yet she seems to live here without help, so how likely is it she would have an emergency? And if she did, presumably the French medics could see what they're dealing with, and most would probably speak basic English.

OP didn't actually mention her DDs existence til end of page 7 maisy

DD is irrlevant to the decision, though, she has to start somewhere, and this is as good a place as any.... although i am a little bit uncomfortable about that aspect, I would be whenever her first alone overnight came.

She has never been actually alone overnight before, but I've left in the very early morning for work, and returned after she was asleep, so not seen her for several days, just text ,etc, so effectively this is no different.

I am in any case going on a school trip in July when she will be alone, only 3 months later.

I agree with MrsDesireeCarthorse.

This is a big ask. Saying no doesn't make you a bad friend, it just makes you someone who knows your limits.

As you say it would be awkward if your friend paid for absolutely everything, so you'll be out of pocket. You won't be able to foster over the Easter holidays so a foster family might miss out on their much needed respite. And yes whilst some posters seem to think that money is a dirty grubby little matter that should never be mentioned, you'd also miss out on the well deserved fostering money.

I would do this for a handful of people that I know if they were in that circumstance. Close, close friends who I know would do the same for me if the situation was reversed. I get the feeling that this friendship is not as strong as that, which is perhaps also generating some of your feelings of resentment.

OP how often do you need to act as carer for your friend normally? Does she very frequently need medical help day to day? medically, monitoring on a weekly basis, as in normally, sees a doctor every week ( its a clinic in a hospital she goes to) admitted once or twice a year, fits a couple a week normally

If it's all expenses paid then you won't need to afford anything extra really.
I'd go for a friend, maybe ask for an interpreter. Don't some companies offer this free, they can't expect her to take her own.

Mumsnet is a crazy place. In what world is it not a big ask to get on a plane, go to a country that you dont know the language, attend meetings that you dont understand/cannot participate in and all when there is nothing in it for your AND you'd have to revoke on arrangements that you had already made??

I think it would be fair to say you think that OP is being unreasonable for letting a friend down or whatever similar reason (i actually disagree that OP is bu!) But i think its a bit daft to say its not a fairly big ask in the first place.

And i just think its worth mentioning that people who foster for the money are still very important to our society and are to be appreciated imo. I imagine its a bloody difficult job/lifestyle and im glad they do it whether for financial reasons or moral ones.

But gillybeanz making it "all expenses paid" really blurs that boundary between friend and paid carer/champion for the friend.

Effectively OP is or would be the hired help and in the scenario I'd find it incredibly awkward not to get my purse out at any stage of the proceedings.

If OP did go it would irrevocably change the nature of the friendship as that's just the way it is once money comes into it.

I am a firm believer in following your feelings. in this case your gut feeling is you don't want to do it, so go with that feeling and say no.

Before anyone weighs in I am not a bitch. I do a lot of volunteer work and often do favours for friends and neighbours (babysit, lifts,Tesco run, feed the rabbits when they are on holiday etc) but only if it is convenient and certainly not if it would put me out of pocket. The sort of favour ( in terms of time, expense and responsibility) your friend is asking is massive and I would probably only be prepared to do it for very close family or BFFs and only then if I felt confident in my abilities to be a support.

You shouldn't feel guilty. You have put a lot of soul searching into this (and been given a hard time over it). If you decide to put your own needs and preferences first I think that 's perfectly reasonable.

Mumsnet is a crazy place. In what world is it not a big ask to get on a plane, go to a country that you dont know the language, attend meetings that you dont understand/cannot participate in and all when there is nothing in it for your AND you'd have to revoke on arrangements that you had already made??
Well I beg to differ. Paris is no distance at all. Depending on where the OP lives, it's probably a lot easier and quicker to get to than most parts of the UK. The majority of brits that go to france don't speak much of the language, they get by just fine. And there were no specific arrangements to revoke on in this case.

I accept that several days of the OP's time spent doing something she is obviously not interested in with someone she clearly doesn't like much, is a big ask. But the rest of it is no big deal.

Hardly. I don't see this as a 'very big' favour at all. The inconvenience of attending just 2 meetings is offset by the fact that the OP gets a nice trip to paris with a friend, which most people would consider a treat. The poor woman is offering to pay for flights and hotel, and presumably has no one else to turn to. How do you make her out to be entitled?!
Now you see to me this would be a huge favour. There would be the trouble of finding someone to care for the pets. But mainly it would be the disruption & stress of being away from home, away from my routine, totally out of my comfort zone, AND having to be responsible for someone else (and their health issues) in a foreign country. I get stressed thinking about someone else doing it! I'm autistic (but you can all say I have autism if you prefer - it's an individual thing) and that has a massive impact on my life, and I get that OP doesn't have that issue. But so many people on here are thinking that because they could drop everything & see it as a fun thing, that everyone could and should, when really life isn't that simple. It would be lovely if the OP could help her friend out, but I don't think she should be given a load of grief if she can't.

To clarify: if you pull out of the fostering, will that definitely mean a family doesn't get foster care, or is it that you don't yet know whether or not you will be needed?

Well you won't be an effective advocate in the legal meetings if you don't speak the language, she'd be be better off hiring an interpreter

No she wouldn't. A professional interpreter is impartial. They can't advocate.

OP can't speak French. What she "hears" in the meeting would be mediated via a partial third party (her friend). Her responses to her friend's translation would then have to be translated back into French by the same - partial - friend.

I wouldn't do that.

What worries me about the situation (apart from OP not wanting to go) is what would happen if anything went wrong. That may be OP getting confused in a meeting and giving poor advice, then being blamed for failing the friend. Or a huge issue such as the friend being hospitalised. Does the OP abandon her pal in France and come home, what happens with expenses in an emergency, etc.

katy07 My thought process was honestly based on what the OP said, not my own situation. The reasons given were based mainly around the fact that she just didn't fancy it. If OP had said she couldn't go because of young DC/pets/work/MH concerns or anything like that, I would have thought that totally fair enough. I confess I do travel a lot, and perhaps forget that for some people it can be quite an ordeal. Nothing like this was mentioned in the OP though.

OP has a perfct right to refuse for whatever reason she likes, but I thought she was coming across in her posts as rather cold and unfeeling towards her 'friend' (e.g. the anger at being asked at all seemed a bit OTT).

ProPirate I think that its great the to you its not a big ask. I think its commendable that you would go to those lenghs for a friend and not see it as a big deal. HOWEVER can you really not empathise that to an awful lot of people that this would be a fairly big ask and they would have to really consider it before agreeing??

e.g. the anger at being asked at all seemed a bit OTT I think the poster who said "resentment" probably articulated it better

Ignore that. Thank you. :)

you don't want to go.. so don't go.. alternatively send one of the MANY Volunteers on here ... who seem more than willing to go... ... Sorted x

The UK government have a list of english speaking lawyers in France available here, including some in Paris. The list gives details of their areas of expertise.

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/563548/New_Lawyer_List.pdf

"She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask."

So you have already told her no but she hasn't accepted it?