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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.

237 replies

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 10:49

My friend, who has very few friends other than me, and is epileptic wants me to go to Paris with her to look after her on the journey. She has two meetings she has to attend with french relatives and solicitors, about a probate, and she is worried about being bullied and wants not only a travelling companion but an advocate with her in the meetings.

the meetings are two days apart during the Easter holidays.

She is offering me free flights, free hotel, and free choice of what we do on the day in between. She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to waste my holiday time on this.
I don't want to change my other arrangements and commitments
I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French
I don't think I can afford the "extra's" that are going to come up, restaurants, taxi fairs, etc.
And I don't want to go.

Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

and I need to make a definite decision and I'm wobbling towards, well it would be a kind and helpful thing to do, and some of it might be fun.

But I'm wishing she hadn't asked me.

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 17/02/2017 11:29

She sounds like she needs moral support. I'd do it. And I have done similar in the past (10 days in Atlanta, USA).

How good a friend is she? How would it affect your friendship if you didn't go? Would you feel used? Would she reciprocate? What other commitments do you have? (I had none at the time of going to the USA).

MatildaTheCat · 17/02/2017 11:29

Tricky. She wants you to look after her on the journey. She probably can't travel alone so she's got to find someone. Obviously she needs a French speaker for the meetings though.

I wonder if it would help if you offered some suggestions as to a better solution if there is one. Otherwise I might feel obliged to go if she really is your friend. It's fine to express concerns about the costs, though. She should cover those without quibbling.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/02/2017 11:30

"I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French"
There is absolutely no point in you going. She wants an advocate, you simply cannot be that because of the language barrier.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:32

Thanks for all replies, I'm reading through now, and answering.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:33

no, genhuntsmistress, she is epileptic.

OP posts:
MadMags · 17/02/2017 11:33

Did she say she wants you to help with the meetings or just be there for moral support?

Does she speak French?

And when she says help,does she mean travel help because her epilepsy affects lone travel?

wowfudge · 17/02/2017 11:35

I'm guessing the friend has couched the trip as a free holiday to the OP.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/02/2017 11:35

Say no. You don't want to go and you won't be much use in meetings that are in French anyway.

Can't she find an advocate who is over there to assist - even if she has to pay? And she could pay a travelling companion too.

YANBU. You'll be out of your depth and you have other plans.

Lweji · 17/02/2017 11:36

It depends if you value her as a friend or not.

She sounds desperate for help and rather worried.

Do you think you may ever need her help in the future? Has she been a good friend to you?

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:37

she is French herself, so would translate for me, but you are right I would be little actual real help in the meetings, its more the moral support, and also wanting someone to travel with her because she is epileptic, and I know her normal pattern of fits, and how to look after her.

OP posts:
CaoNiMa · 17/02/2017 11:37

I'd do this for a good friend at the drop of a hat.

Lweji · 17/02/2017 11:38

no, genhuntsmistress, she is epileptic.

And nothing else? Is she defined by her epilepsy?

troodiedoo · 17/02/2017 11:38

Does she speak French? Sounds like she just wants moral support rather than legal representation.

YANBU not wanting to go and dont have to provide her with reasons as to why you cant. Just say you cant make it if you dont want to go.

However it depends on how much you value your friendship. Has she done a lot for you? (dont mean that in a keeping score type way just as a way of gauging the depth of your bond). Friends are happy to put themselves out for the other. But what shes asking sounds like a best friend role not a casual acquaintance type thing.

TheElephantofSurprise · 17/02/2017 11:39

She needs to pay someone to be her companion. That's her way forward so that friends can be for friendship and support workers can be for support. There must be agencies who can arrange such things.

Pigflewpast · 17/02/2017 11:40

You started by saying the friend has very few friends other than you. So they don't have much support, and probably struggle with friendships? Bet it was hard for them to ask you. If you are their real friend I think you need to do it. If not, they've even less friends than they thought.
None of your reasons were solid "it's impossible for me to get time off work / get childcare " etc reasons, they were " I don't want to". To be honest you don't sound much of a friend.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:40

Which bit are you struggling with most

That's a good question. I suppose thinking hard about that is going to help me decide. I think its both letting down people I have already made a commitment to here, not being able to afford it, and also making a mess of it, doing it badly,

OP posts:
ElvishArchdruid · 17/02/2017 11:40

Surely she would be better taking someone who can speak fluent French and knows about the French legal system? If she needs an advocate so badly, do you look particularly mean or something? The French take one look and go no, no, no, we can't take the piss, look at her friend.

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Stick your ground. I don't really get why she needs you. Could she be lonely and just not want to go alone?

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 17/02/2017 11:41

I actually completely disagree about the language barrier. As another person in the room, someone on her side, she would be able to relay to you what is being discussed and in relaying it give herself time to pause and consider that it's the right thing.

Sometimes being another person in the room isn't about action its about listening to her needs. If she gets tearful even with a language barrier you'd be able to suggest, even just to her, an adjournment in proceedings for her to compose herself.

Regarding your rearrangements are you actually questioning your friendship here?

If she's going to France for financial gain could you seek unpaid leave and she compensate you directly for the costs? I think it's slightly materialistic but if she's a friend, it wouldn't be unreasonable to raise that you're going to be quite out of pocket in all this if you have to lose holiday that you've planned to use at another time.

The only bit I disagree with is spends for a day out - surely that's down to what you choose to do.

kingpin20 · 17/02/2017 11:41

Sounds like she needs your help and support.

All you've said really is that you don't want to go.

TBH you don't sound like a very nice friend.

Lets hope you are never in a situation where you might need a friend to give you a couple of days of their life to help you.

MerryMarigold · 17/02/2017 11:41

I think you are being a bit mean. How many days holiday do you get a year? 25? This is just 2. Doesn't sound like you need to arrange childcare as well. I think you should tell her how much you have to spend, genuinely. Don't make it small when actually you have enough to go out with friends etc. And then go and have fun, with the cash you have brought. If she knows you have a certain amount, you can get public transport. I expect she just wants moral support in the meeting.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:42

None of your reasons were solid "it's impossible for me to get time off work / get childcare " etc reasons, they were " I don't want to".

its true, I just don't want to go, and am wondering if I morally should.

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 17/02/2017 11:43

But how good a friend is she? How would going affect your other commitments?

I recently did simething very similar for my best friend, also France. It meant taking my 5yo son with me for the weekend, but my friend found him a welcome diversion rather than a pain in the tits. And he helped walk the dog!

brasty · 17/02/2017 11:43

I value friends and friendship. So in my world friends help each other out.
The suggestion of paying for a companion to travel with her would be difficult in practice. Others don't know her pattern of fits and how it affects her, so most would not want to take on this responsibility.

DJBaggySmalls · 17/02/2017 11:43

If she needed medical help you;d be useless; she needs a carer that can speak French.
Dont feel bad about saying no. Its a big responsibility.

MadMags · 17/02/2017 11:43

What plans have you made?

Have you booked somewhere? Will there be a financial fall out?

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