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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.

237 replies

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 10:49

My friend, who has very few friends other than me, and is epileptic wants me to go to Paris with her to look after her on the journey. She has two meetings she has to attend with french relatives and solicitors, about a probate, and she is worried about being bullied and wants not only a travelling companion but an advocate with her in the meetings.

the meetings are two days apart during the Easter holidays.

She is offering me free flights, free hotel, and free choice of what we do on the day in between. She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to waste my holiday time on this.
I don't want to change my other arrangements and commitments
I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French
I don't think I can afford the "extra's" that are going to come up, restaurants, taxi fairs, etc.
And I don't want to go.

Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

and I need to make a definite decision and I'm wobbling towards, well it would be a kind and helpful thing to do, and some of it might be fun.

But I'm wishing she hadn't asked me.

OP posts:
ScarletSienna · 17/02/2017 12:23

You are not a crap friend if you decide not to go and you should never feel obliged to do something you are not comfortable with.

If I asked someone and they didn't want to I would not see them as a bad friend at all. Because I don't put that sort of pressure on my friends.

troodiedoo · 17/02/2017 12:23

I could be way off but I'm sensing a bit of blurring between being her friend and carer, and possible resentment on your part for this (perfectly understandable). If you go, go willingly. But dont feel bad if you dont go. You could help her to find a paid companion instead or offer support another way.

Mintychoc1 · 17/02/2017 12:23

I would ring children's services and see if they could give you an idea of the likelihood of you being given a foster child to look after over that time, and gauge how stuck they'd be if you withdrew your availability. That may help you decide. It's tricky though. I've just come back from a trip to Paris and it was lovely but very hard work!

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:24

you're not letting them down just offer another weekend! I was asked if i would be available the whole Easter holidays, for a family going on a 2 week break, I said yes, but this would be 5 days in the middle of that.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 17/02/2017 12:24

If her meeting involves relatives then there's a fair chance that just having someone in the room with her could tober them down if she's worried about how they'll be with her.

My brother wouldn't dream of speaking to me in the way he does privately in front of anyone else. So, perhaps just having someone there on her side will stop any pressure being put on her - families can be a pressurising force when there's an inheritance involved.

PausingFlatly · 17/02/2017 12:24

I'm Shock at Don't be so selfish.

What a ridiculous and horrid thing to say. The OP is torn between different sets of things she would be doing for other people: helping disabled friend or helping unspecified foster family.

She's not just painting her nails. And even if she were, she would still have the right to say no.

OP, I have been the disabled friend. There are critical things in my life that I simply cannot get done unless someone helps me. And no, I can't always pay help as someone above suggested: the cost would be prohibitive and there are always issues dealing with strangers unfamiliar with my needs.

I can see why she's asked, and her desperation. Illness and disability make unreasonable demands of the ill person - and those around us. Because the demands are unreasonable, you are well within your rights to say no. Because it may be a complete showstopper for her life if you don't help, it would be an immensely kind and important thing if you chose to help her.

I really feel for you both. It's not a nice position to be in.

Perhaps the most constructive way forward would be to talk to her about obstacles - the timing, language issues. She may be able to make changes so that she gets what she needs, and you get as much as possible of what you do. Flowers

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:24

I would ring children's services and see if they could give you an idea of the likelihood of you being given a foster child to look after over that time, and gauge how stuck they'd be if you withdrew your availability. That may help you decide. It's tricky though. I've just come back from a trip to Paris and it was lovely but very hard work! another good idea.

OP posts:
toffeeboffin · 17/02/2017 12:25

Je peux y aller is tu veux Grin

J'adore Paris 🍷

toffeeboffin · 17/02/2017 12:25

Si tu veux

Bloody phone

AChickenCalledKorma · 17/02/2017 12:26

I think you are getting a very rough time here, OP. Going away for a number of days, during a school holiday, to do something challenging in a foreign country where you don't speak the language is a huge ask. I kind of hope I would agree to do it for someone. But I would also struggle with it and I think people are being way too quick to judge you as a "bad friend" because you are finding this a difficult thing to take on.

Willow2016 · 17/02/2017 12:26

Magic Formula?

The Epilepsy Society
epilepsy terminology
Saying it right

There are a number of common misconceptions surrounding epilepsy and epilepsy terminology. In addition, some terms used in association with the condition are becoming less appropriate, due to their negative connotations or inaccuracy.

While seizures may be referred to as 'epileptic', this is not an appropriate term for a person with the condition. The correct term is 'person with epilepsy'.

Just to let you know what the people who actually have epilepsy and deal with people who have epilepsy say.

It doesnt sound like you want to go OP so better make up your mind and tell your friend so she may get some other help on her trip.

Notanotherpawpatrol · 17/02/2017 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:26

thankyou pausing flatly, thats a nice supportive post.

I think I'm going to say yes, providing I don't have a child allocated to me already, somewhere in the council paperwork.

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 17/02/2017 12:26

PigFlewPast got it in one. You aren't letting children's services down but you would be letting your friend down.

Idefix · 17/02/2017 12:27

Seen your update op...surely you just respond really sorry friend but I have a prior commitment and will be supporting xyz family then, otherwise I would love to help?

Or is the family thing just a maybe? Can you not get some clarification?

But I really sense you just don't want to do it in which case you should just be honest with your friend.

scampimom · 17/02/2017 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notarehearsal · 17/02/2017 12:29

Please don't thinkme flippant to wonder if the potential loss of income from a respite placement is adding to your indecision.

scampimom · 17/02/2017 12:29

Not having a go, just trying to explain it

Pigflewpast · 17/02/2017 12:30

I'd do as minty says and speak to children's services if that's really why you don't want to go. But your OP is more "I don't want to". Surely you would be taking holiday time if you fostered?
You've said she's no one else to ask. Either you're her friend or you're not is what it boils down to.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:32

Please don't thinkme flippant to wonder if the potential loss of income from a respite placement is adding to your indecision.

its fine to ask, none, I basically break even over a good year with fostering, the allowance is very small, some children cost a lot to care for, some cost virtually nothing.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 17/02/2017 12:33

If you are not 100% on for this, then TBH I don't think you are going to be much use to her

(Why all the red faces in you OP? Did you mean to blush and got angry instead?)

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:34

Not having a go, just trying to explain it

I know, thats fine, I'm just trying to understand it.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:35

(Why all the red faces in you OP? Did you mean to blush and got angry instead?)

No, I really felt angry about being put in this position. And wished she hadn't asked.

OP posts:
ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 17/02/2017 12:35

All I want to say is that your response to anyone who counters your ideas is quite aggressive, for want of abetter word.

I have come across you on other threads. You come across as unpleasant. Maybe it's your se of language on the internet. But you are goady.

I think you are also a teacher or in education? Or are you leaving this out of this post? Because it might make you sound a little more like you just don't want to give up holiday time (which is understandable but maybe sounds less selfless)

I am in education and have learnt something interesting today about the way to speak about people with conditions or disabilities. I teach a girl with epilepsy. Last week, I might have said 'I teach an epileptic girl'. And will not say that again.
Thank you to those posters who have put me right on this. It was food for thought for me, at least.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:37

I think you are also a teacher or in education? yes, this is in the Easter holidays though, so I wouldn't need time off work or anything ( that would be totally infeasible)

OP posts: