Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.

237 replies

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 10:49

My friend, who has very few friends other than me, and is epileptic wants me to go to Paris with her to look after her on the journey. She has two meetings she has to attend with french relatives and solicitors, about a probate, and she is worried about being bullied and wants not only a travelling companion but an advocate with her in the meetings.

the meetings are two days apart during the Easter holidays.

She is offering me free flights, free hotel, and free choice of what we do on the day in between. She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to waste my holiday time on this.
I don't want to change my other arrangements and commitments
I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French
I don't think I can afford the "extra's" that are going to come up, restaurants, taxi fairs, etc.
And I don't want to go.

Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

and I need to make a definite decision and I'm wobbling towards, well it would be a kind and helpful thing to do, and some of it might be fun.

But I'm wishing she hadn't asked me.

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 17/02/2017 11:44

It isn't a case of 'morally I should go', but 'I'll help out my friend because I'm not an arsehole'.

brasty · 17/02/2017 11:45

Do you value this friendship or not? If you say no I suspect the friendship will be pretty much over.
And I know many on mums net do not seem to really value friendship, so I am not surprised at some of the answers you are getting here. But I think they are wrong.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2017 11:46

If you dont, want to, don't! It sounds quite hard. It's quite a big ask really, it's another country and a lot of responsibility. What if she had a grand mal and had to be hospitalised.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:47

And nothing else? Is she defined by her epilepsy?

what is this time wasting about? She is epileptic. she is many things, including epileptic. You are silly.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 17/02/2017 11:48

Depends on your other commitments-it's totally not an all expenses trip to Paris so she is BU if she advertised it as such or YABU if you're thinking of it as such. No it won't be much fun but if she needs you, and you're a good friend you should go if you can. What goes around comes around & all that.

Pigflewpast · 17/02/2017 11:50

elQuinto put it perfectly Grin

brasty · 17/02/2017 11:51

It kind of upsets me to think of someone who is so alone in the world that her one friend won't help her out. Dealing with probate is very emotional because it means someone has died, and is a time most of us need moral support from friends and family. I feel really sorry for this woman.

scampimom · 17/02/2017 11:52

Better to tell her no now than go and sit there with a face like a slapped arse. Poor woman has enough to deal with, without you being her "friend" only because you don't want to think of yourself as uncaring.

brasty · 17/02/2017 11:53

Its not as if she is going to buy a holiday home. She is dealing with the paperwork after a bereavement.

SeaRabbit · 17/02/2017 11:53

Both the following reasons given by OP seem perfectly valid to me:
letting down people I have already made a commitment to here, not being able to afford it

The fact you are worried about it is another good reason, but you've already committed to other people, so it's no contest really, and no-one should be expected to spend money if they can't afford it.

I agree having a French lawyer to help her in the meetings would be a far better solution.

How does she normally deal with travel with her epilepsy?

Aeroflotgirl · 17/02/2017 11:54

If you don't want to go tell her ASAP. It will probably be the end of the friendship. I get the I.pression she sees you as a good friend, but it's not recipricated.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:55

interesting, more people think I should go..

She is quite a good friend, I do more for her than she does for me, because of circumstances, but not because she doesn't try.

The commitment I would be missing would be having made myself available as a relief foster carer for any local family going on holiday at Easter who cannot take their foster child, however, not been allocated a specific child yet

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:56

I think you lot are nudging me towards agreeing to go.

OP posts:
brasty · 17/02/2017 11:56

She may have a French lawyer. She is not seeking legal advice, but moral support. I would not want to deal with probate after a bereavement totally on my own and without any support.
If money is the issue, then tell her you cant afford meals out. But you have said yourself that the truth is you just dont want to go.

PageStillNotFound404 · 17/02/2017 11:56

OP, the point about "having epilepsy v being an epileptic" is to do with the people-first model of disability. Many - although not all - people who have disabilities or lifelong conditions do not like to be defined by their illness, so would not call themselves epileptic/diabetic/bipolar or whatever, but describe themselves (where relevant) as a person with epilepsy/diabetes/bipolar disorder etc.

Your friend may prefer to describe herself as "an epileptic" and you're following her preference and that's fine, but as a rule it's reasonable to put the person before their condition when speaking about/describing someone unless and until you know they particularly dislike that terminology.

SilenceIsBroken · 17/02/2017 11:56

I would go. But it depends on context, really. Would she do the same for you? Is the friendship reciprocal?

honeyroar · 17/02/2017 11:57

I'm sure she's not advertising it as an all expensively paid trip, it's more a case of she's got to go to these meetings, is feeling worried and would love someone she trusts there to lean on, someone who also knows how to help her if her epilepsy happens. And has said she will pay travel and accommodation and let you choose everything else you do while there to try and make it a nice time for you too. It would be a lovely thing to do for a friends, IMO, but youre not obliged if you really think it's going to be that awful!

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 11:58

pagestillnotfound, this all sounds like total pedantic nonsense to me, she is many things, including epileptic, she has many things, including epilepsy, no people first or people last modelling with either term, just a big stick to beat people up with for no reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:01

very attention seeking, I think, to interrupt people and bleet on about the exact word order and grammar you want to impose... not here, I don't mean, where we are all here for a chat, but out in the real world, where people are trying to get things done and communicate, and someone is going to hold everything up because they want to insist that saying "has epilepsy" is derogatory, and disablist, and can be all start again and use the phrase "is epileptic" instead, or go to prison, or what ever.

OP posts:
PageStillNotFound404 · 17/02/2017 12:01

If you do decide to go, it might be an idea to ask her to teach you a few relevant French phrases that would help you seek appropriate medical attention quickly in the event of a particularly bad seizure, or would allow you to explain briefly to anyone who witnessed her fitting that it's fine/under control etc. (Assuming that's the sort of thing you might have to do for her generally.)

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:02

not that that is the point of the thread!! But someone else brought it up.

OP posts:
arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 17/02/2017 12:02

Which bit of it worries you the most about going? The financial aspect, the lack of French or using up leave?

If she is that good a friend you could discuss these with her and explain that you don't feel you are the right person to accompany her but that you would be happy to help her make the arrangements from this side and look after her home while she's away? That way you don't' feel you have failed her but also don't feel pressured into undertaking something you really don't feel comfortable with.

As to the possibility of being in a situation where you need French medical assistance, if you decide to go, ask your friend to prepare some handy cards (in French, obvs) with information that you can pass to paramedics - these should include details of the condition, frequency of fits, medication, UK doctors etc. Also as you are going to be in Paris then the emergency personnel there are used to non-French speaking tourists.

It really all boils down to how comfortable you are in your friendship. Do you perhaps feel that it is not a close enough one to be able to cope with all this time together in a one-on-one situation?

Only you can really decide but if you want your friendship to survive you should at least be honest with her about your reasons for not wishing to go.

Good luck!

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:03

If you do decide to go, it might be an idea to ask her to teach you a few relevant French phrases that would help you seek appropriate medical attention quickly in the event of a particularly bad seizure, or would allow you to explain briefly to anyone who witnessed her fitting that it's fine/under control etc. (Assuming that's the sort of thing you might have to do for her generally.)

actually, that is a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:04

Do you perhaps feel that it is not a close enough one to be able to cope with all this time together in a one-on-one situation?

maybe this too, actually, although I hadn't actually articulated that to myself.

OP posts:
SunnySomer · 17/02/2017 12:05

User - it's a side issue, but lots of people with epilepsy find epileptic derogatory because it reduces us to the condition. Because it's a condition that few people understand properly they imagine that your life consists primarily of epilepsy and secondarily of anything else you may be or do. For many people it's a frightening adjective (see the comment about grand mal and need for hospitalisation as though that were an absolute).
If you don't have epilepsy you may think 'what's in a word?', but when you're reduced to that word, your perspective changes.