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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.

237 replies

user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 10:49

My friend, who has very few friends other than me, and is epileptic wants me to go to Paris with her to look after her on the journey. She has two meetings she has to attend with french relatives and solicitors, about a probate, and she is worried about being bullied and wants not only a travelling companion but an advocate with her in the meetings.

the meetings are two days apart during the Easter holidays.

She is offering me free flights, free hotel, and free choice of what we do on the day in between. She is very upset that I have said I'm busy, and hs no one else to ask.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to waste my holiday time on this.
I don't want to change my other arrangements and commitments
I don't speak or understand French and the meetings will be in French
I don't think I can afford the "extra's" that are going to come up, restaurants, taxi fairs, etc.
And I don't want to go.

Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

and I need to make a definite decision and I'm wobbling towards, well it would be a kind and helpful thing to do, and some of it might be fun.

But I'm wishing she hadn't asked me.

OP posts:
Hiphopapotamus4 · 17/02/2017 12:05

OP I didn't "want" to spend the night in hospital having to witness some horrific injuries and heartbroken families after my friends husband was involved in a serious accident. However, I did want to support my friend and be there for her and help her in any way I could so I went and I know she would have done the same for me.

You've already said that your friend has nobody else to turn to, she has a medical condition which makes this trip a lot more daunting than it would be otherwise and she is obviously struggling through a rough patch at the moment.

Don't be so selfish

alreadytaken · 17/02/2017 12:05

is this a friend or an acquaintance? If a friendship that you value you go unless you really have made commitments you cant get out of but you've said its just that you dont want to do it. You should be asking yourself why you dont want to do it and then perhaps saying to your friend that you fear you wont be much use in the meetings.

No wonder people complain of not having many friends.

SarfEast1cated · 17/02/2017 12:07

I think you need to go OP - whereas not a very attractive prospect - you would be doing a very good thing. Paris in the spring time is lovely, you can eat well and if you go by Eurostar not that arduous. A walk around the Musee d'Orsay is a real treat too.

PageStillNotFound404 · 17/02/2017 12:08

It's a shame that you think that, userwhatever. I see it as respectful to try to use the terminology people prefer, and as I know more people with disabilities who prefer to be described as "person with X" for the reasons I gave above, that's what I'll default to in the absence of knowing an individual's preference. You'll notice I was not the person who picked you up on this not did I imply any criticism of you, I only explained what was meant when you questioned it in an attempt to be helpful and otherwise throughout your thread I've tried to offer practical advice. I shan't bother further; good luck to your friend at this sensitive time for her, regardless of what you decide to do.

sunshinesupermum · 17/02/2017 12:09

'The commitment I would be missing would be having made myself available as a relief foster carer for any local family going on holiday at Easter who cannot take their foster child, however, not been allocated a specific child yet'

Therefore this is NOT yet a final commitment OP. Your friend needs moral support. If you think you can't afford the 'extras' then just tell her.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:10

suny somer, why is saying someone is epileptic differnt from saying they have epilepsy? I don't get this. its the saem, but the second is more grammatically awkward.

I am blond and have blond hair,

I am dyslexic and have dyslexia

I am not a driver and I don't drive?

I can't see any difference. Except one is phrase is more natural and shorter, sometimes.

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 17/02/2017 12:12

100% agree Sunny DD1 has suffered in the past with epilepsy which could come back. She has never been 'epileptic'. Neither is OP's friend. She suffers from a condition known as epilepsy.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:13

Therefore this is NOT yet a final commitment OP.

This is why I need to decide this weekend, really, I haven't had an allocation, however , the council will be working on the assumption of a certain number of available releif foster carers as families make their plans,

I will be letting children's services down. Even if I withdraw now. I'm a bit reluctant to do that.

OP posts:
Fluffy40 · 17/02/2017 12:13

I think you should go, she's your friend ffs

ElvishArchdruid · 17/02/2017 12:13

Thinking about it again, if you had concern for your friend, you would snap this right up. If you were going through a bad patch would you want her help as much as possible? Has she in fact been there for you before, so thinks there's more in your friendship than you do?

Ok you won't be much help in the meetings, but you'll be emotional help before and after. That's what she most likely wants and needs.

wantoscreamatwashingpile · 17/02/2017 12:14

Why are you so against using correct terms, it's really not hard? You would say a person was dementia would you, they're a person living with dementia, and your friend is a person who has epilepsy. You may find it pedantic, but it's not about you is it?

ExitStage · 17/02/2017 12:14

With the kids you foster OP, are you so careless with language? It is actually quite important that someone is defined by who they are not what they have.

However, no I don't think you should go but then you don't really come across as much of a friend.

SuperFlyHigh · 17/02/2017 12:15

It's not all expenses paid if she wants you to split for the restaurants/taxi fares etc... Which I'm sure you would do if you went on a holiday with another person/friend.

It also makes this into a bit of a bus man's holiday if you spend 2 days in meetings listening to a language you don't understand!

I wouldn't go.

sunshinesupermum · 17/02/2017 12:15

OP frankly if you are asking a load of strangers whether you should go or not, you know the answer already. However if you do go you may enjoy the experience much more than you anticipate and also be doing a good thing.

justbeinreal · 17/02/2017 12:16

Erm I work in children's services. You don't have an allocation, you're not letting them down just offer another weekend!

If you were in her position would she do this for you?

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 17/02/2017 12:16

I would go, but I speak French so I could at least contribute something in the meeting. Although she might still be better off hiring an interpreter with experience of legal jargon.
Is it the meeting your friend is really worried about or the possibility of having a seizure?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 17/02/2017 12:16

She needs a good friend to support her. Don't go, you aren't one.

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:16

Pagentfound, I am quite happy for you to explain, and I'm reading your explanations, but no, I don't understand them, and the examples you have given as "default" do not seem to me to be respectful at all, I f someone made such a fuss about how my conditions were refered to, I would just think they were being silly.

Its not because I am not trying to understand.

If there was a magic formula to work out what was the polite thing, I would like to know it, but I don't think there is, and the two ways discussed here, seem to me to be exactly the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:17

Is it the meeting your friend is really worried about or the possibility of having a seizure? I think its travelling alone, and being bullied when she gets there.

OP posts:
pineappleunderthesea · 17/02/2017 12:18

Just going to leave the definition of epileptic here... Confused what a bunch of picky people.

Back to what the OP actually asked for opinions on...

Of course it would be a nice thing to do for your friend.

She is vulnerable when travelling and would appreciate/need a companion. However, you are not obliged to go.

If using work holidays are an issue, if you don't have the money for meals, sight seeing, and whatever else crops up and you don't feel comfortable doing it then just be honest.

I would do it personally, for someone close enough to me, but equally I wouldn't be angry or offended if I was asking and someone wasn't able or wanting to accompany me.

I don't want an all expenses paid trip to Paris.
Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:19

She needs a good friend to support her. Don't go, you aren't one. why are you saying that? I am here to discuss whether I should or should no do this thing I really don't want to do, for a friend, why would you say I am not a good friend?

OP posts:
Pigflewpast · 17/02/2017 12:19

You don't want to let children's services down, who might need you to look after someone you don't know, yet you are willing to let down a friend who does need you.

pseudonymph · 17/02/2017 12:19

I think you should go OP. I'd do it in a heartbeat for a good friend.

If you can't afford the extras, tell her that. Either she can pay, or you can live cheaply.

The French speaking is irrelevant as far as the meetings go - she wants emotional support - and I agree with whoever said that having someone who doesn't speak the language can actually be a help in negotiations, in that it gives an excuse to take time out and slow things down.

I can see it could be daunting in a number of ways - particularly the possibility of dealing with a fit in a foreign country (is that likely to happen in the time frame, or just a possibility?) - but you have the opportunity to do a kind thing here. And you get to see Paris.

Idefix · 17/02/2017 12:20

Being grammatically awkward doesn't mean you don't do it.
Is there some kind of backstory with you and your friend? Really struggling to imagine a situation where I would say no to one of my close friends as opposed to an acquaintance (who I guess wouldn't ask such a favour).

I imagine that taxi fares related to going to and from the meetings would be paid for by your friend. As for other cost if you really can't afford to feed yourself speak to your friend and make all this clear to them.

Does your friend where identify bracelet/necklace or carry information on her phone about her epilepsy in the case of emergencies? If so you would only need to alert hcp to these if required.

Would you have responded differently is she had said how about a trip to Paris over Easter seeing the sights etc?

Original poster
user1484226561 · 17/02/2017 12:21

OP frankly if you are asking a load of strangers whether you should go or not, you know the answer already

not really, I am genuinely completely 50;50 about this, and have been unable to make a final decision for several days, and thought seeing what other anonymous people thought might help.

I think the consensus is I should go.

OP posts:
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