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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance AIBU

257 replies

WayfaringStranger · 16/02/2017 21:26

I am neither the mother nor the adult children but this situation is causing a shitstorm in our family. I've changed a few details to make this less identifiable. Mother has sadly been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She's in the process of sorting out her affairs. She has a few grand in savings but a property worth around £200k. She split from the children's father when they were little and they've seen neither hide nor hair of him.

There are two adult children in their late 20s. DD is married with a baby. They struggle financially, not unusual for a young couple with a child. DS is disabled (physical and mental health problems), cannot work and has never moved out of the family home.

Mother told the children of her intention to split everything down the middle. DD and her husband will be able to use her half as a deposit and get a mortgage. DS is not going to be able to afford to buy in the area. He feels he cannot move out the area because he'll lose the support from the extended family. He is terrified about moving out of the home he has lived in all his life. He worries it might make his mental health problems worse. Mother then proposed giving him lifetime tenancy. DD feels this is unfair as it ties up her inheritance. Neither sibling are particularly close but both see each other's point of view.

My gut feeling is that DS needs financial advice to ensure financial security for him. I think the house should be sold after their mother has gone. I think DD needs to agree to give her brother some time to adjust.

OP posts:
EmiliaAirheart · 17/02/2017 00:33

Agree that a fair split is best. It's entirely possible that something could happen to the daughter that puts her in the same situation of needing assistance (such as a child with disability) but after the mother passes, it's too late to make any adjustments.

KeyserSophie · 17/02/2017 00:37

Basically this is one of those situations where no-one is going to get what they want, but it's just the reality of the situation

I dont think the idea of leaving the disabled DS with a house that is already in need of work is sensible. Firstly, where is the money coming from to take care or repairs and maintenance (there isnt any), and secondly, unless the DD has time to care for her brother (and if she's working and has a baby she probably doesnt) he's at huge risk of social isolation and escalation of his MH problems. Surely some sort of supported set up has to be preferable? It should definitely not be assumed that the DD has the capacity or willingness to be the DS's carer. However, if the 50/50 split goes ahead, that may be the only solution.

I'm unclear on the nature of the DS's physical disabilities- if he cant work at all, they must be pretty significant (i.e. it's more than being in a wheelchair), which must make independent living a challenge.

If I were the DD I must say I'd accept that I had a choice between giving up my inheritance to ensure that my brother's needs were met or feeling morally obliged to meet them myself, and I know which I'd choose.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/02/2017 00:39

They end up living in a broken down, cold house, unless the delayed-inheritence siblings step in to constantly fix things and pay the bills.

Yes, I've seen this. The boiler goes so the siblings have to pay for it, because the person has no money. Oh and what's this? A puddle? The roof is leaking - well the siblings will have to pay for that too. And the disabled sibling can't manage the garden - well we need to do that ourselves or get someone in... and the place hasn't been painted for years, etc. ... Even in small houses this is a reality.

OP - would the son get a different assessment now on the assumption that he isn't being propped up and cared for by his Mum and that he will have to live independently? Sorry if that's already been asked.

ishallconquerthat · 17/02/2017 00:56

I'm a bit shocked by the responses. If someone is disabled and can't live independently, then of course the family should help this person! Can DS work? If not, then I'm afraid I would give most of the money to him. DD can fend for herself, DS cannot!

KeyserSophie · 17/02/2017 01:05

I agree, but I think how it's structured is just as important. Giving DS a lifetime interest in the house is not a good investment for anyone. It's not fair to expect DD to pay to maintain a house she will never benefit from when she's skint herself.

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2017 01:17

I think there has been some really good advice around securing the ds's benefits.

Please do not suggest they all live together. If the dd has thought of this and wants to suggest this, she will. Suggesting it yourself would put pressure on her. They are not especially close and she has a young baby. She may well not be able to provide any special care he needs and would just feel guilty that she is not able to, or worse still pushed into trying to do this.

I think if I were someone supporting the ds I would get professional help (doctor or counselor or whatever) to know how to manage the death of parent and the move into new accommodation in a relatively seamless event. I think if the mum is aware enough to be talking about things and planning things and if it were not too difficult for her, I would see if she could be involved (from her bed or whatever) in some of the planning for the move.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2017 01:19

I don't know that staying in the family home would be in the ds's best interests long term, but it is hard to know how much he could cope, it does look like his mum may be helping him and effectively covering up how much help he needs.

38cody · 17/02/2017 01:28

As a sibling of someone with a disability (who does currently live independently with a lot of support from my parents) I can honestly say I am happy for her to inherit their home. I believe that their will was set up 20 years ago for this to be the case (when they were unsure if she would ever live on her own) and have no idea if it has been changed and honestly don't care. Should also point out that I am not remotely close to my sibling at all so it isn't out of some great love or sibling bond that I want them to have it. But in the grand scheme of things I think that is fair*

Monkey
But the DD is really struggling financially so it does matter to her.

ElvishArchdruid · 17/02/2017 03:22

I'd feel inclined to say that DS has 5 years in the house, rent free, both siblings cover maintenance as they'll both benefit when sold.

Are there no apartments locally? I know it's not a house, but it'll be cheaper. Another option is social housing locally, or a support living / retirement complex. With social housing he should apply now as if when Mum dies he'll have to leave, he doesn't have the means to get a mortgage. This should put him at the top of the priority list. Where we live there's bungalows in areas that are considered nice, many people have been band 1 for years waiting for a bungalow in the area to come up. So worst case scenario, he has to stay the 5 years, but being priority 1 & only the waiting list so long, he'll eventually win a bid for social housing in the area.

You will need a letter about his disabilities, plus a letter from the DM's GP saying its terminal, the DM saying upon my death DS will be homeless.

Depending on the disabilities he could move into a house locally with adaptions. It really helps with him being band 1. In supporting evidence DM & the GP could state, he needs to be in this area due to support from extended family.

Hope this has helped.

In the long run he might be better off in social housing, then after so many years if he's supported with the money, he could even buy the property he's renting.

This really needs acting on ASAP.

Carollocking · 17/02/2017 03:34

Sell and share 50/50 it's not daughters fault brother Is disabled and not her responsibility either,

ElvishArchdruid · 17/02/2017 03:36

You could also say that the mother has a duty of care, the daughter can wait a few years.
Imagine being both M&P ill, having the stress of your Mum dead & then imminently having to move. Surely you have a heart?

KeyserSophie · 17/02/2017 04:33

both siblings cover maintenance as they'll both benefit when sold.

That only works if they have the cash to spend. Neither does.

Socksey · 17/02/2017 04:49

Another point .... in case an option to leave the house in both their names is being considered... if the sister is currently looking to buy (eventually) ... as a part owner she may not be eligible for 1st time buyer deals but much more importantly she will have to pay the extra 3% stamp duty on any other property she buys for her own family to live in and if she is struggling already then coming up with that may be difficult...
Also much of the future maintenance costs and effort etc may well fall on her...

flumpybear · 17/02/2017 04:51

Needs careful advice here, but I'd be thinking granny annexe too, perhaps DD inherits 100 % so DS doesn't lose financial support from government - a good annexe will give him closeness to family but independent living

emmyrose2000 · 17/02/2017 05:17

I definitely think 50/50 is the only fair way. The DD has probably missed out on lots of her mother's time and resources over the years due to her brother's circumstances. She shouldn't continue to be penalised for something that is beyond her control after her mother's death as well.

I know the brother can't help his situation, but it's not the sister's fault either.

VirgilsStaff · 17/02/2017 05:35

I'm with Monkey - the DD might currently be struggling financially, but that is "normal" (not saying it's desirable!) with a young child etc. She can work, her husband can work.

Frankly, there is a world of difference between her situation and that of her brother. He sounds like he can't live independently, and has no-one once his mother dies. That's a struggle of an entirely different order. particularly given the state of social care and social housing.

The best way would be to sort something such as sheltered accommodation before the mother's death. A very very difficult situation for all, and for you, OP - you're having to support your family under the pressure of the terminal illness of your close relative.

ElvishArchdruid · 17/02/2017 05:36

I don't think it works like that, if it did, no one would begrudge a disabled sibling. I like the idea of granny flat, if at all possible. Not always feasible, but adds value to property and is something you both could invest equally in.

Againagain97 · 17/02/2017 05:41

As an aside (not read full thread) is DS receiving benefits?

If he is this inheritance can stop those, now I accept that if he has funds why have benefits, but some support services will only assist people receiving some type of benefits.

The monies if going to the son, need to be placed in specialist trust arrangements.

Please consider some financial advice.

I apologise that this is not the question you asked, but please be careful .

Silvertap · 17/02/2017 05:42

If I was that daughter I'd be wanting it all to go to my brother. I'd also be helping my mum know get expert advice to ensure my brother got the best care he could. I'd want my mum to know he'll be safe.

Aid I had a healthy mind and body and my brother didn't anything less would be awfully selfish.

MangosteenSoda · 17/02/2017 05:51

What a difficult situation Sad

Personally, I believe inheritance is a privilege, not a right. In the DM's shoes, I'd get advice to figure out the best way of securing DS's future and prioritise that. I'd try to leave DD a nice lump sum, but my main concern would be to make sure DS would be taken care of.

It's not really fair, but then life often isn't fair as this family must well know. One child is vulnerable and unable to provide for themselves and the other child isn't.

Carollocking · 17/02/2017 05:52

Disability or not 50/50 why wouldn't it be not daughters fault he's disabled

KeyserSophie · 17/02/2017 06:13

A granny flat is not a great idea IMO. It ties the siblings to joint living forever. What if DD and her DP want to move to a different part of the country and need to sell up?

I really think finding suitable accommodation for DS is the critical thing here- no assumption should be made that DD will become his carer.

VirgilsStaff · 17/02/2017 06:32

Silvertap and Keyser I think you both make important points. I know I couldn't just take "my" half with the knowledge that my sibling would struggle. Not just the usual struggles of establishing a new family, but actually not being able to live independently.

I'm a bit aghast at those posters recommending a 50/50 split and that there's no responsibility by the sister.

I have a good friend who has a brother with severe learning difficulties, such that he can never live independently. Their father is his carer (her mother died young) but my friend is preparing the way to help care for her brother when their father can no longer do so. And my friend and her husband have demanding jobs, and a very young child, so some people do see beyond their immediate struggles to recognise that others have struggles of an entirely different order.

My friend is active in a national sibling carers network, but she's based in the USA. is there something like that here in the UK for the sister's support in helping her brother in the future?

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 17/02/2017 06:38

Such a difficult situation.
For everyone saying granny flat. I think that's a terrible idea unless DD has specifically suggested it. What could start off as popping once a day could escalate to DD providing increasing levels of support. The pressure and strain that caring for relatives puts on family units is talked about a lot on here and I think putting the DD in a position like this would be very unfair.
As would giving the DS a lifetime tenancy whilst expecting dd to still maintain the house.

I think if, as op suggests, the mother is providing more care than they are letting on then some Frank conversations need to be had about who will take over those responsibilites once she's gone.

Casschops · 17/02/2017 06:51

The inheritance money should be split between the two of them. Regardlezs of need or disability or the DS being resident, I think ultimately the courts would take this Stan e ( been through this too). They both have a claim. DS needs support to facilitate this but DD has a right to security doe her future to. If was DS I wouldn't want to build my brother an annexe flat as with young kids this wouldld be way to much. They need a brother sister relationship and support through this hard timeSmile