Inheritance AIBU

[WayfaringStranger]

I am neither the mother nor the adult children but this situation is causing a shitstorm in our family. I've changed a few details to make this less identifiable. Mother has sadly been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She's in the process of sorting out her affairs. She has a few grand in savings but a property worth around £200k. She split from the children's father when they were little and they've seen neither hide nor hair of him.

There are two adult children in their late 20s. DD is married with a baby. They struggle financially, not unusual for a young couple with a child. DS is disabled (physical and mental health problems), cannot work and has never moved out of the family home.

Mother told the children of her intention to split everything down the middle. DD and her husband will be able to use her half as a deposit and get a mortgage. DS is not going to be able to afford to buy in the area. He feels he cannot move out the area because he'll lose the support from the extended family. He is terrified about moving out of the home he has lived in all his life. He worries it might make his mental health problems worse. Mother then proposed giving him lifetime tenancy. DD feels this is unfair as it ties up her inheritance. Neither sibling are particularly close but both see each other's point of view.

My gut feeling is that DS needs financial advice to ensure financial security for him. I think the house should be sold after their mother has gone. I think DD needs to agree to give her brother some time to adjust.

It would not be remotely sensible for ds to have sole responsibility for a large property. Or tbh even a small property.

Home ownership isn't easy and can have financial pitfalls. Ds would be much better moving into sheltered accommodation.

Social services need to get involved now so that something is in place before the mum dies. Professional advice from a charity such as MenCap should be sought, especially regarding whether it would be better to leave the money in a trust so it doesn't impact benefits too much. Not sure what kind of disabilities the son has but there are communities such as Camphill and L'Arche that may be worth investigating.

could the house be solely left to the sister, but son is a protected tenant? So she would own the property, and ds would have somewhere to live, but still be able to claim benefits as he doesn't have claim to any of the value of the house? he could then over time get the help he needs to enter assisted living accomodation or similar, then sis can either move in the house or sell it?

I've found from experience that if you have savings it affects the benefits you are entitled to and the help you receive. The mother would surely be helping her son more now to find somewhere to live independently and then she can pass with peace of mind that he is settled and cared for. It's much better on the son to do this now and in a controlled manner rather than being forced to do it plus coping with the grief and loss of losing his mom. I have experience of this.

* OP you said she "split" from the children's father when they were small.
Presumably they are divorced. Could get more complicated if a husband crawls out of the woodwork

Is her son ever likely to lead an independent life?

I'm in the se, I'm trying to think which town a family house would only sell for 200k but cost £800 a month to rent a studio flat? Ex is in one of the most expensive villages for £550/month one bed ground floor flat
Are you sure the figures are right?
People are going to be hurt any which way so I think she's right to split it down the middle

They should make decisions now. If mum were to die soon and DS is living in the house he will have rights to stay there. If a social worker is assigned to him at that point he may be advised to stay put rather than make himself homeless and that could cause rifts with his sister.

ph0ebe I'm in SE too...

If it is a small 2 bedroom property in need of modernisation and a bit run down then probably £200k is all it would achieve. But I'd urge OP's friend to get properly revalued etc.

Figures don't seem to add up to me though....

It could be a flat too, if it is a flat that would explain maybe the £200k valuation even so that is still low for a lot of the SE as far as I know!

I'm in a similar situation. Sibling1 has various complex needs, so whilst sibling isn't disabled, they'll never earn very much money and be reliant financially and emotionally on me and sibling 2. Sibling1 would barely be able to rent and definitely not buy.
Our parents made the decision to sell the family home, essentially releasing the equity/inheritance and buy s1 a very small property. The property is siblings name and owned outright. Sibling2 and I have never questioned this as being completely fair to each of us. It has released us from a lifetime of worry about s1 and how we'd be able to financially able to support once parents die. It also has given s1 a new lease of life and they feel less of a burden to the rest of us.
If my parents hadn't have done this, yes I might have inherited a chunk of cash but I would have had to have spent it supporting my sibling.
I think the point almost makes is completely valid. In op situation the dd is lucky to be able to work, have her own family and be able to contemplate buying a home and be healthy. The Ds isn't so lucky. .

I'd rather my sibling be securely housed than me inheriting.

It is a small place and yes, it's a bit run down and definitley in need of modernising.

Can he live independently? Yes, I think he probably can. He certainly does need some support though. Of course, I could be totally wrong and mum could be propping him up and it'll all fall apart. I hope I'm not wrong, I hope they'll both accept help.

Thank you for all your replies. I'm off to bed and got a long day tomorrow so didn't want people to think I'm not appreciative.

Good points being made about revaluation. Rents in this area rocketed recently. Turned out house prices did too. We didn't know about house prices until we speculatively decided to look into remortgaging.

A hard situation but I guess questions to think about are

• If mum is terminal who is going to look after him/ as her life comes to its end? The hospice will have specialist advisors who can provide objective support about full range of benefits and signpost to support services. I am assuming a hospice is involved?
• is now a good time to consider supported living scheme? The son would be eligible for housing benefit to cover cost whilst mother was still alive and he had no savings. It would mean he was settled before he is orphaned and mum would know provision was made for his ongoing support, which must be a concern for her.
• House could then be sold and money split. The son's could be held in trust for supported expenditure if he is unable to manage finances.

Yes, you do need financial advice for DS, especially if he is dependent on benefits; ensuring his income for life ie ESA/PIP is much more important than any temporary cash injection. But...

there are loads of tax breaks when giving wealth to anyone with disabilities, if that helps. And specific trust structures you can use to protect money for the vulnerable, including tax breaks on income too - the key here is to pick the sort of trusts that don't endanger his benefit assessment.

I would make sure he has a big money cushion, somewhere

• life on benefits is no joke and likely to get worse. Two healthy adults with earning potential are not in the same league.

My family have been in a similar situation as my sister has disabilities and mental health problems.

If he is unable to work he would be entitled to housing benefit I'm sure. But if he is given 100k inheritance it will affect all the benefits he gets apart from dla.

My suggestion would be, if the dd can be trusted to act on ds behalf to give her the money to put a deposit on a btl flat, something ds can live in, which presumably should be possible even where you live in the south east?

As people have said, it would be better for ds to move into accommodation now than after his mother passes away, if he has no where to live then they need to house him.

If dd rent the btl out on the open market for a year then it should be possible for ds to then move into the flat and housing benefit should pay the rent and therefore the btl mortgage. This can be possible as we looked into it for my sis, but they would have to get advice from social services as it sounds like my sis is Alot more disabled than ds in question so they may not allow it in all cases.

Good luck, not an easy situation

I would say there are options here but there is also a need to understand the welfare system that needs to support the DS as well. I think any money or property left to Son does need to be in a trust with trustees not him and possibly not sibling either. There is no entitlement to half or the correct fraction of an inheritance and the Mum must do what is right for the overall good - I think a good point is made regarding making DS independent of need to have sibling care and look after - what is that worth to her. It could be split so DS gets more "for his lifetime" and for having more in his lifetime more is due to the sibling after his death - so he gets it now she gets it later sort of thing.

He won't cope with moving well but neither will he cope in the property on his own without support but he is vulnerable and needs advocates - can any charities in the right arena help with advice on his future?

I think moving things now will help parent see son settled and allow them peace at a difficult time, help son come to terms with things and as Crumbs says from a practical point of view sort things whilst he has no capital of any sort. I am not sure how schemes to provide regular income are viewed by benefits in terms of value etc

I'm in a similar position but, hopefully, have many more years before we have to make final decisions. I have 5 DC and one of them has additional needs. I have always thought we would leave our house to him because the other DC do not have additional needs and those who are adults have good jobs, friends, partners etc.
I have had the conversation with 2 out of the 5 and they understand and say they approve. I think they are being honest.
I do think a disability trumps most things in family affairs.

I have already seen this situation happen in real time with someone else: a disabled DC being given a lifetime tenancy although all siblings inherit a share. In reality, all siblings estates will inherit a share, as the disabled sibling will live just as long as the others, so only the siblings with children feel that they will benefit (because their kids get something, eventually), and while the disabled DC does have a measure of security, they are trapped (by their own lack of resources as well as an understandable terror of change) living still in the family home that they cannot upkeep because they don't have that level of income. They end up living in a broken down, cold house, unless the delayed-inheritence siblings step in to constantly fix things and pay the bills.

Sell the house. Buy the disabled DS a flat he can manage himself and can afford to upkeep. It might be a much smaller property than he's been used to, but thems the breaks - plus there are advantages in that as well as downsides. Thus both DS and DD get their inheritances, and familial harmony is maintained.

I have already seen this situation happen in real time with someone else: a disabled DC being given a lifetime tenancy although all siblings inherit a share. In reality, all siblings estates will inherit a share, as the disabled sibling will live just as long as the others, so only the siblings with children feel that they will benefit (because their kids get something, eventually), and while the disabled DC does have a measure of security, they are trapped (by their own lack of resources as well as an understandable terror of change) living still in the family home that they cannot upkeep because they don't have that level of income. They end up living in a broken down, cold house, unless the delayed-inheritence siblings step in to constantly fix things and pay the bills.

Sell the house. Buy the disabled DS a flat he can manage himself and can afford to upkeep. It might be a much smaller property than he's been used to, but thems the breaks - plus there are advantages in that as well as downsides. Thus both DS and DD get their inheritances, and familial harmony is maintained.

I have already seen this situation happen in real time with someone else: a disabled DC being given a lifetime tenancy although all siblings inherit a share. In reality, all siblings estates will inherit a share, as the disabled sibling will live just as long as the others, so only the siblings with children feel that they will benefit (because their kids get something, eventually), and while the disabled DC does have a measure of security, they are trapped (by their own lack of resources as well as an understandable terror of change) living still in the family home that they cannot upkeep because they don't have that level of income. They end up living in a broken down, cold house, unless the delayed-inheritence siblings step in to constantly fix things and pay the bills.

Sell the house. Buy the disabled DS a flat he can manage himself and can afford to upkeep. It might be a much smaller property than he's been used to, but thems the breaks - plus there are advantages in that as well as downsides. Thus both DS and DD get their inheritances, and familial harmony is maintained.

my understanding on benefits you can't rent from a relative and get HB paid

Have they considered shared ownership for him? He could buy a portion of a housing association property with his half of the inheritance and rent the rest from the housing association. He may qualify for housing benefit for the rental part which he wouldn't if he was renting from his sister.

In the thick of the emotion, this didn't even cross my mind. How terrible of me

It's not terrible at all - it sounds like you've all got a lot going on, and things like inheritances versus benefits aren't always the first thing to occur to us

Oh, and somerville is also correct that organizations working in whatever his issues are can be a very good source for signposting advice

monkey what a thoughtful post.