Inheritance AIBU

[WayfaringStranger]

I am neither the mother nor the adult children but this situation is causing a shitstorm in our family. I've changed a few details to make this less identifiable. Mother has sadly been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She's in the process of sorting out her affairs. She has a few grand in savings but a property worth around £200k. She split from the children's father when they were little and they've seen neither hide nor hair of him.

There are two adult children in their late 20s. DD is married with a baby. They struggle financially, not unusual for a young couple with a child. DS is disabled (physical and mental health problems), cannot work and has never moved out of the family home.

Mother told the children of her intention to split everything down the middle. DD and her husband will be able to use her half as a deposit and get a mortgage. DS is not going to be able to afford to buy in the area. He feels he cannot move out the area because he'll lose the support from the extended family. He is terrified about moving out of the home he has lived in all his life. He worries it might make his mental health problems worse. Mother then proposed giving him lifetime tenancy. DD feels this is unfair as it ties up her inheritance. Neither sibling are particularly close but both see each other's point of view.

My gut feeling is that DS needs financial advice to ensure financial security for him. I think the house should be sold after their mother has gone. I think DD needs to agree to give her brother some time to adjust.

Bloody in a lot of parts of SE London as far as I know even the rougher parts you'd struggle to get change out of £200K for a one bedroom flat. I know as I've got a friend who tried to buy about 3-4 years ago now. That's with a good sized deposit too of about £30K too.

If the DS here moved out further a studio could be found but obviously he doesn't want to do that. Maybe DS and DD could move out further for affordability and look at social care there (eg Essex), if they started the ball rolling now it'd be easier. Also a talk needs to be had to the DS detailing his options and what would be fair to both DC. Then he may look at a compromise.

Maybe Brexit will push prices down.

I'd say split 50/50

Tough one OP. What income will DS have once his mother is gone? Is it practical for him to live independently at all?

If they did a 1/4 to 3/4 split - with the DS's share eventually reverting to DD's DC, say - would the £150,000 be enough for him to buy something?

I do feel for DD, but if there is a compromise position that would enable DS to stay in the area, I would prioritise that. And it sounds like DD possibly would too - if things really go wrong for DS the stress is likely to fall on her as much as anyone (sadly, I know this from experience).

Gleam and slimmingsnake depends how much the DD wants to care for etc her DB for the rest of his life etc.

I knew a woman who took in her disabled DB and she was married (no DC) and her FIL also lived with them and luckily it all worked out but you can't assume and it may be unfair going forwards to put all or most of the responsibility onto the DD to care for her DB.

My hometown was a cheap little village-type place which has turned into commutersville over the last 5-10 years. They're selling (small!) one bedroom places for £250k. It's bonkers! People used to turn their noses up at living here.

I was about to say what puzzled just said. There's a similar issue within my family, albeit with more siblings so not so black and white. The parents want a lifetime tenancy for the disabled adult child, however it looks like it could negatively affect one of the siblings who is on benefits currently and also the disabled adult child themselves in a similar way. Although these things change all the time, it would be worth clarifying something similar for both the adult children in this case.

Is there anyway for the property to be split into apartments so DS can stay in part of it and the other half be sold/rented out? So he stays in his half of the inheritence and stays in the home he is familiar with but DDs gets the money from the other half

he has benefited for years by staying under someone else's roof
Dd did not get that luxury
Luxury? Being disabled and dependent on his mother's care is a luxury?
The daughter has the lifelong luxury of being able to live an independent life.

Fair does not mean equal.
Equal does not mean fair.
Has life presented them with equal and fair life opportunities?

I think they need to look very closely at what options are available to the DS before making any decisions.

I don't think DS would want his sister to be his carer. I know DD will help him out if he needed anything and so will the extended family which is why it would be a shame for him to move away. He has a lot of support in the extended family, emotionally and practically.

I suspect both DS and DD will want to be close in location at least initially after their mum passes away. I don't think they're going to know what's hit them. :( She's such an amazing lady.

I agree, the mother needs specialist advice on the disability and benefits aspects of this. Perhaps Scope would be able to signpost where to find this? And then additional, legal, advice on the best ways of structuring whatever seems best.

Is it likely/possible that the son will have his own children? If not then a life interest for him and then everything going to the daughter/her children would also be worth considering. He gets the use of the house for his life, but that is off-set by the daughter knowing it will all be hers eventually? Just an idea.

I don't know much about the benefits system, so this may be way off, but if the mother were to remortgage now and release half the equity for the daughter, is the son in any financial position to pay the remaining mortgage, either on his own or with assistance from disability benefits etc?

Or as others have mentioned, they could all move to another property with a granny annexe type set up, so that he is relatively independent, but DD is on hand to help if necessary.

I think 'Puzzled' has raised a key point. If the DS inherits funds, it could make him ineligible for various benefits. If you google 'Special Needs Trust' you can find more details. Your friend should definitely get specialist advice from a lawyer who knows about this.

Someone made a point about the mother probably wanting to ensure her grandchild was provided for and yes, I agree. I know she is very torn. She's also very fair and would never ever see her children treated differently, if it could be avoided. She genuinely doesn't know what to do and she does not want her children to fall out after she's gone. That's her biggest worry right now which is sad because the poor woman is dying.

OP, is there any chance that the DS has saved money over the years so could contribute a bit towards buying a place?

Only reason I say this is I know a DS who's DB of a friend of mine who's autistic, works but lives with his DM in a house. They have a similar sort of dilemma but his DSis says she doesn't think he will mind going into sheltered housing etc if time comes though if possible she may keep the home (the DSis has bought their mortgaged house for them). She does say that her DB has considerable savings however.

As someone who is disabled on ESA (support group) and DLA (MR care, LR mobility) and also same age as those involved, also living with my dad who owns this house (prob worth only 90k max) and a sibling who would share 50-50 who doesn't live at home, i honestly think the DS should get lifetime (or at least until he can secure somewhere suitable without pressure) tenancy.
Living with mental health issues of the severity to get the MR of care is HARD, to qualify for HR must be even harder. Routine, familiarity of surroundings and home security is paramount to well being and stability of mental health. I wouldn't cope if i was forced to move out of my home that i've lived in since birth. I have OCD, mostly about toilets, using the toilet and associated germs. The way i use the bathroom is so highly ritualised and it is specific to my bathroom layout, i simply wouldn't cope in a different bathroom (haven't used any other toilet in over 10 years). It's also incredibly difficult to actually get decent support, i've been trying for 12 YEARS to find adequate mental health support, treatment etc and am still being passed about, fobbed off or given trainees and temps who vacate the position after a few weeks then nobody else applies to fill it for months, if ever.
Her son is far more in need than his sister. She chose to have a child, ideally she should only have had a baby once she was financially stable to provide for one, if she's struggling, its because of choices she made. The son had NO choice in being disabled with MH issues. He'd lose all security, familiarity, support etc, it could devastate his condition to be forced to move. Living with disability and MH problems can be expensive, every day living costs can be so much higher than that of the average person, my own "extra" weekly costs for products that are essential to my daily life easily match those of the nappies, formula and other essentials of caring for a baby. I'd be seriously concerned he'd be financially unable to cope. As you said his half of the money would be gone within a few years if he had to pay rent, and with benefits constantly being cut, care services closed own and more hoops added to jump through to even qualify for benefits/help, and being unable to work, he desperately needs the security of a lifetime tenancy of a home where rent won't be needed and all his money can go on his care needs.
It is unfortunate for his sister, but she was the lucky one being born physically and mentally healthy with so many more options available even now than her brother will ever have.

Could he rent DD's half of the house from her? A £200k house I guess would rent for perhaps £700pm? So pay DD £350pm. In 10 years DD has had nearly half her inheritance, and STILL owns half the house, at a greater future value.

Could work very well financially for her, while allowing her brother to remain at his home.

Sorry I meant the DB in my friends case is autistic!

It may be possible to put the son's inheritance into a certain type of trust so that he can continue to claim income related benefits, including Housing Benefit, on rented accommodation. This might be a good idea if he is likely to find it difficult to manage large amounts of money. He may also qualify to go on the local housing register. His disabilities and all round vulnerability will surely give him some priority. Worth a chat with the local authority to see what kind of local provision there is.

As above mother needs specialist advice - a big inheritance would remove the son's ESA.

No point him having a nice house to live in if he can't afford to eat.

They also need an honest assessment of what care the mother provides for the DS - likely more than either care to admit. He is likely to need help before the mother dies as she becomes unwell and unable to support him.

As a sibling of someone with a disability (who does currently live independently with a lot of support from my parents) I can honestly say I am happy for her to inherit their home. I believe that their will was set up 20 years ago for this to be the case (when they were unsure if she would ever live on her own) and have no idea if it has been changed and honestly don't care. Should also point out that I am not remotely close to my sibling at all so it isn't out of some great love or sibling bond that I want them to have it. But in the grand scheme of things I think that is fair.

Yes as a sibling my life was greatly impacted by it all, but it is what it is. No one's fault; everyone just did the best they could. Not everyone's needs can be met all of the time when there is significant disabilities in the family. There's nowt "fair" about disability from anyone's perspective.

The mum needs to take proper legal advice so that her DS inheritance can be put in a trust for him etc

Another point to consider is if the DS would be able to cope with owning/being responsible for a house on his own anyway? If he relies on his mother for care, can he cope without her, and if not, what will happen?

If he gets a lifetime tenancy but its owned between him and his sister, what might happen is that she ends up with all of the responsibility and none of the benefit, which makes it all even less fair.

Is the current property very small? If it's SE prices why is it only worth £200k? It seems a very tough situation for all. I think I'd be most persuaded with the 25:75 split now to enable DS to stay in area.

The thing is, surely, that her son is going to be unable to live in the family home when his mum dies because he won't be able to keep up the work needed on the property. And it's grossly unfair anyway that he should have a whole house when his sister has nothing.

Also as others have said, if he has a huge lump sum, it will massively affect his benefits.

She really needs some good advice but I don't think leaving everything to one child is ever the answer.

Although it sounds a good idea initially, you cannot do equity release with the occupant being so young. So the company would demand repayment of the released capital on mum 's death.

Agree with PPs who have mentioned the importance of getting good, holistic financial and legal advice. Preferably independent as well.