Inheritance AIBU

[WayfaringStranger]

I am neither the mother nor the adult children but this situation is causing a shitstorm in our family. I've changed a few details to make this less identifiable. Mother has sadly been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She's in the process of sorting out her affairs. She has a few grand in savings but a property worth around £200k. She split from the children's father when they were little and they've seen neither hide nor hair of him.

There are two adult children in their late 20s. DD is married with a baby. They struggle financially, not unusual for a young couple with a child. DS is disabled (physical and mental health problems), cannot work and has never moved out of the family home.

Mother told the children of her intention to split everything down the middle. DD and her husband will be able to use her half as a deposit and get a mortgage. DS is not going to be able to afford to buy in the area. He feels he cannot move out the area because he'll lose the support from the extended family. He is terrified about moving out of the home he has lived in all his life. He worries it might make his mental health problems worse. Mother then proposed giving him lifetime tenancy. DD feels this is unfair as it ties up her inheritance. Neither sibling are particularly close but both see each other's point of view.

My gut feeling is that DS needs financial advice to ensure financial security for him. I think the house should be sold after their mother has gone. I think DD needs to agree to give her brother some time to adjust.

Oliversmum

I had to explain my point to the people who hadn't understood it the first time.

DS would pay for the upkeep on his flat out of his benefits. The difference in upkeep isn't going to be huge between a two bed and a one bed.

But as I have already said if the flat in disrepair it would make sense to move to one that is in better nick and easy to maintain.

For all the people who want to shove him into a small one bed or studio - they haven't considered how much harder it is to manoeuvre in small spaces if you're disabled, and how much more time you have to spend inside if you have difficulties getting out.

Fwiw I understood your point the first time round Gloria.

I am really disturbed by this thread. It's like characters from a Balzac novel coming to life and justifying their materialistic self-interest.

You do need to consider the issue as someone said upthread, that someone could use him and persuade him to let them move into the second bedroom.

Haven't RTFT but could the property be adapted to make 2 flats, one for the DS and one for the DD and her family?

socksey sorry, I think I'm getting confused, I see what you mean

I assume if the brother ends up a home owner (say, a flat bought for him using some of the money), either the sister pays for repairs or no one does unless I'm underestimating how much benefits pay and he will be able to save up for things going wrong

@ChocolateTeapot it's a 2 bed flat, not feasible to split it (unless in London where you could do a 4 bedsits in that space)

olderthanyouthink ... yes.... there must be some way of investing the proceeds .... and as others have mentioned before.... advice from a financial planner with experience in this area....

I only read the op. I just wanted to say to people considering leaving a legacy to a disabled person to please seek advice from a solicitor. Any legacy needs to be in trust or you may as well hand it to the Government. In trust, it will be ring fenced and will not affect benefits.

Can DD not be given 40k or so as a deposit (which should be 10% of a 1-2 bed in the South East, as long as it's not super central). Or could the house be partially remortgaged meaning that some money would be freed up for DD, but the house was kept for DS?

OR, DD and family move into family home, DS moves out, DD and husband pay DS's rent in lieu of paying their mortgage?

Gloria how on earth do you think people with disabilities manage in studios or one bedroom flats?!

We have no idea of his disability either apart from what OP has told us.

A close friend of mine is an Occupational Therapist in Housing where her clients are more often than not having to live in small spaces making use of all space.

I do wonder as well why the DS doesn't have any savings despite him getting various benefits.

I've already mentioned a friend of mine with an autistic brother currently living with his mum in a house the friend pays the mortgage for. The brother here they're not sure what will happen yet (depends on my friend's own circumstances re property) and if he will be able to afford to maintain the property but he has savings due to a job and has said if it comes to it he would get assisted/supported/sheltered housing. I know another friend who has a disabled brother due to an accident but he lives in a house he's already bought and has "income" from investments etc.

In this case with this size property I do find it unfair that the DD should ultimately have to give up her dream of owning a property (and with a DC too) and I feel (and so it seems does the OP) that the DB should be able to come a compromise about his living situation. It would be totally different if it were a larger house with the property being able to be split into flats etc. there is also as has been said the question of the flat being dilapidated and the question of whether (most likely not) the DB can afford or is able to maintain the property.

But like I say I'm not a social worker.

Perhaps the DS has no savings of note because he and his mother use his benefits/ income to live on , who knows . I'm staggered at the people on here who think that an entitlement to an inheritance is more important than a disabled / disadvantaged person having an easier life , if my children had that kind of attitude I think I'd leave anything I had to the local dogs home .

Gloria how on earth do you think people with disabilities manage in studios or one bedroom flats?!

Potentially, with difficulty? A small space is made even smaller by a wet room/roll in shower, accessible toilet, wider door thresholds, space to turn, step free access, profiling bed, storage at accessible height and on as your OT friend could also describe to you, I'm sure. You mention that her clients more often than not have to make do with a small space and that's key really; for many disabled people there isn't the opportunity to improve your standard of life and independence. The inheritance going in the DS's favour may mean that his standard of life is safeguarded.

I do wonder as well why the DS doesn't have any savings despite him getting various benefits.

Does DLA/PIP include money that goes into your current account in order for you to live in the most basic sense and then a little extra that goes straight into your ISA as well? Pleased to hear you are not a social worker.

I do feel for the son here (I've got a schizphrenic step-uncle who lives in the family home abroad, after his parents died, abroad) but feel that the son does seem to be worrying or placing the blame that if he has to move etc then that may make his mental health problems worse.

There seems to be no reasoning from him to talk about or discuss looking into alternatives it is simply him carrying on as he is regardless yet as I've said before in a dilapidated house and also needing care. His sister must feel really torn between caring for her brother but feeling the need to put her own family's needs first.

I'm seeing more and more a trust would be better or a house with a "granny annexe" but maybe the provision that his sister isn't his full time carer.

Pass the house to the children equally but the son lives there and pays a rent to the daughter. The daughter can then mortgage her half of this house to release equity to put down on a deposit for her own house. Would get caught in the stamp duty though.

Actually ebop there have been occasions where my OT friend has told me about cases where her clients may have to move (due to being in a too large property or also being too costly for the council to fund the necessary improvements such as wet rooms etc), sometimes they agree change is needed sometimes they fight it. Often because it is local authority property and the improvements are social services funded they do have to comply to a certain degree with change. My friend sympathises with them but is also conscious of the lack of housing available generally.

I'm not talking about considerable savings but I'd be surprised the son hasn't managed to save during his entire life or didn't want to save at all.

I'm bowing out of this "shit storm" as its getting a bit heated now!

Hope this all gets sorted OP.

I understand SuperFlyHigh, but that's my point exactly, outliners will always exist but for the majority of disabled people, generally, there isn't the same levels of control and direction over their own lives. Have a home; have a job; have a life; suffer an accident resulting in permanent need for a wheelchair but the council/family can't fund adaptations, right well that it's then, leave that life and be moved to where ever the local authority can put you and then put up with it please and give up a portion of your personal autonomy and worth in the process. In the case for the DS, this potentiality could be mitigated against by the inheritance.

I speak from personal and professional (NHS) experience, from a local authority provided "accessible" flat.

I'm staggered at the people on here who think that an entitlement to an inheritance is more important than a disabled / disadvantaged person having an easier life , if my children had that kind of attitude I think I'd leave anything I had to the local dogs home

This.

The DD has options. She has a husband, she can work herself. She chose to have a child.

Her brother sounds as though he has few options, and certainly no partner to help. A single disabled man with mental health problems is quite likely to be one of the most isolated people around. And a prime candidate for homelessness through just not being able to cope.

The Mother (and the OP - her sister maybe?) need to push for resolving the son's housing - it takes time to find appropriate sheltered housing. It might be better to start sooner rather than later.

Awful situation for everyone, but the daughter should have no expectations of her "right" to inherit anything from her mother.

From what the op has written it is the ds who is saying he cannot afford a flat if his own with only £100000 but as the op has said yes he can.

Oohnodooey the dd would be in for all repairs and renovations as well as th 3% stamp duty.

HerOtherHalf It's a shitstorm because the wider family are all weighing in without really helping. Your comment about the unit of three is so far off the mark, it's unreal. They are not slinging crap at one another over it. They are in shock, scared and grieving at the loss of a future. My mum, sister and I are the only ones who are helping in terms of practicalities. I wonder if you've ever dealt with a situation where someone youngish is a carer for someone and then finds themselves knowing they will die. Have a heart, eh? Neither the mum nor DS nor DD are being anything but dignified. They are all scared and worried. I know DS wouldn't want to see his sister's child go without either. DS will be very frightened without his mum around. No matter what support social services and the wider family put in place, it will never replace the emotional bond that he has with his mum. He's still very childlike.

With regards to whoever made the comment about the measly amount. It's not measly and that was NOT what I was getting at. This amount needs to be spent wisely though. DS doesn't have any earning potential.

Mum is divorced and the ex is long gone. They financially settled at the time.

To give more information - with permission from them - DS had an accident as a young adult that resulted in having a physical disability and a traumatic brain injury. He did not experience severe brain damage but it has affected his frontal lobe and this minor damage has never recovered. Higher levels of functioning e.g. planning and reasoning are difficult for him. He has severe depression and anxiety as a result of the trauma which IMO is his biggest hindrance. At the time, he underwent very intensive rehabilitation for nearly 2 years (I think) and he had ongoing community based support for a while. I know he has a great GP and he sees her very regularly for monitoring and support. He's involved with a head injury charity who give a bit of help and I hope they will become more involved as things change.

This isn't really about the money, although it is. This is about fear and worry and concern. DS would never see his sister lose out financially and neither would DD. Like their mum, they are very fair and equal. They are both worried. They are going to lose their mum. I suspect DD has some worries about if she may be left responsible for her brother. I know DS worries that he'll be a burden on everyone else. As I said, he wouldn't want his sister's only child to suffer financially.

I honestly don't think that either of them would entertain the idea of living together. I don't think that really solves the issue either. DS needs the right support to become more independent.

I am close to both DD and DS in different ways. I love them equally and I don't want to be taking sides. They'll both need lots of support.I'm a social worker, although for older adults, yet when it's someone you love, you just can't see the wood for the trees.

This is my action plan to help them with;

• Revaluation of the property.
• Start looking around and getting prices for studio flat out of town but not miles away.
• Legal and financial advice for mum, ideally a solicitor who knows how to protect adults with vulnerabilities.
• Encourage DS and mum to get in touch with social services for him so they can have a plan in place

I will start with this and I do not want to overwhelm them.

Thank you for all your thoughts.

Haven't RTFT so apologies if I repeat previous comments.
My dsis has a learning disability, is unable to work, has little savings (£3k) and lives with my mum. Upon legal advice her will states that I inherit 95% and my dsis 5% (so it's not contested due to benefits claimed). She also gets lifetime tenancy unless I provide alternative suitable housing (not sure of the exact wording). I totally agree with this as I am able to pay my own way and my dsis is not, through no fault of her own or my parents. I do think at some point there will not be enough money for the upkeep of the house, and we will need to sell and my dsis downsize but think that will be an option locally so dsis is still in her comforting surrounding area.
It does not sound like this will be an option for the son here, and while I do really feel for the daughter, I don't think anyone is entitled to an inheritance and the son needs to be looked after initially. If the house can be left similar to my situation, the daughters family would eventually inherit as the funds couldn't be used for residential care if eventually needed. Not what she needs now as it may well be her dc that inherit. That's what I expect will happen in my case.
My mum wanted to leave her cash balance to her grandkids but I asked her not to and to leave it for upkeep of the house so that dsis could stay there as long as possible. While I don't expect any inheritance from my mum, I don't want (or have the spare money) to have to pay to upkeep another house either. Worth thinking about for the mum's cash balance here too.
Is there time for the mum and son to downsize now and release some funds, so that he could get used to another house/area with his mum there? Even renting initially if time is very limited?
So sad that they are having to deal with all this now.

Crossed posts there OP! Sounds like you're already on to what I was saying. Good luck with it all.

OP , what a terrible situation. Good luck with the outcome.

That action plan sounds good. I would add, if it hasn't been done already, to update the brain injury charity who already works with the son and see if they have any ideas. It may be that there are some king of supportive lodging or other forms of support they can signpost for as he can no longer rely so much on his mother.

Well done for doing all this for them.