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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inheritance AIBU

257 replies

WayfaringStranger · 16/02/2017 21:26

I am neither the mother nor the adult children but this situation is causing a shitstorm in our family. I've changed a few details to make this less identifiable. Mother has sadly been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She's in the process of sorting out her affairs. She has a few grand in savings but a property worth around £200k. She split from the children's father when they were little and they've seen neither hide nor hair of him.

There are two adult children in their late 20s. DD is married with a baby. They struggle financially, not unusual for a young couple with a child. DS is disabled (physical and mental health problems), cannot work and has never moved out of the family home.

Mother told the children of her intention to split everything down the middle. DD and her husband will be able to use her half as a deposit and get a mortgage. DS is not going to be able to afford to buy in the area. He feels he cannot move out the area because he'll lose the support from the extended family. He is terrified about moving out of the home he has lived in all his life. He worries it might make his mental health problems worse. Mother then proposed giving him lifetime tenancy. DD feels this is unfair as it ties up her inheritance. Neither sibling are particularly close but both see each other's point of view.

My gut feeling is that DS needs financial advice to ensure financial security for him. I think the house should be sold after their mother has gone. I think DD needs to agree to give her brother some time to adjust.

OP posts:

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 06:51

50/50

You don't know what life has in store for DD. Disability. Illness. Lone parenting. Whatever happens at least it's been divided equally and mum hasn't gone to her death bed favouring one above the other. Which could be so deeply hurtful.

Could any of the relatives do a garage conversion or build a small extension?

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/02/2017 06:51

I am a bit agog that if I presume 2 bed house in a certain area is only worth £200000 that a Studio or 1 bed flat in the area is in excess of £100000.

Just had a quick google and if you can get a £200000 2 bed terrace house then you definitely can get a £100000 studio or 1 bedder and have change to spare

Are you sure the house is only worth £200000 or that the flats in your area are going for in excess of £100000.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 06:52

I thought so too. Why is the house worth 200k but a studio flat can't be bought for less then 100k.

Possibly the mother has debts?

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 06:57

DS will receive financial support/accommodation from the council. Maybe his part of the inheritance could be released to him over a long period so not to affect his benefits? Say over 30 years or so

KayTee87 · 17/02/2017 07:09

Surely the child who is disabled and can't support himself must be provided somewhere to live? I'm not even sure why that's a question. The daughter would be very selfish to see her brother potentially homeless just to get some money.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/02/2017 07:14

mother has a few grand in savings so don't think there is any debt

GloriaGaynor · 17/02/2017 09:19

I'm a bit shocked by the responses. If someone is disabled and can't live independently, then of course the family should help this person! Can DS work? If not, then I'm afraid I would give most of the money to him. DD can fend for herself, DS cannot!

Wholeheartedly agree. I find the level of selfishness and self interest on this thread totally horrifying. And for a measly 100 grand - it's not even that much money. Not referring to the OP though.

People seem to identify with the DD thinking they'd like to get their hands on the cash, without considering that they could equally be the disabled DS, and if they were - how grateful they would be to have a family with good values who considered their needs with integrity.

If I were the DD I'd just reflect that I could have had a parent who had nothing to leave, in which case I'd be in the same situation.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 17/02/2017 09:24

Wholeheartedly agree. I find the level of selfishness and self interest on this thread totally horrifying. And for a measly 100 grand - it's not even that much money.

£100k is a huge amount of money to some people. It would buy my house house out right with left overs.

Whilst I agree that the son needs to be taken care of this isn't an easy situation.

But please don't dismiss a "measly" amount of amount when it could truly change some people's life.

BarbaraofSeville · 17/02/2017 09:31

Why is the house worth 200k but a studio flat can't be bought for less then 100k

That seems perfectly reasonable. If a 2 bed house was £200k, I would expect 1 bed houses in the same area to be around £150k and 1 bed flats/studios to be around £100-120k, or maybe even more.

Where I am a 2 bed house is around £100-130k, a 1 bed house £80-100k and flats might be about the same price or more, possibly because the flats are generally new build and the houses victorian terraces?

£100k would be life changing for me too. It would buy a small house outright or with a tiny mortgage (see above) or it would pay off most people's mortgages with money left over if they have been in their house a while.

Original poster

WayfaringStranger · 17/02/2017 09:43

I was trying to minimise details but it is a flat and not in the best condition. I do agree that they need to get a more recent evaluation. I'm supporting the whole family but obviously, it's very fraught and they are in shock and I'm trying not to push too hard.

He probably could stretch to a tiny studio in the less salubrious part of town. Sadly, there isn't money in the extended family to help out or we would.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 17/02/2017 09:47

it's not even that much money

In what universe is £100k "measly"?

I think people who are railing about this don't understand what it means to have a disabled relative that you love, but who finds it difficult to manage independently.

The DD has a lifetime ahead of her of looking out for her brother, and being the one to step in when things need sorting out. As I said upthread, I've seen this in my own circles, and it will be the DD who has to step in when her brother, who has been living in the family home with the constant assistance and funds of their mother, has now to manage the property for himself, and pay for everything himself.

Getting a smaller place, with smaller council tax and upkeep, in my view would be a much better long-term bet for everyone, including the brother, whose independence and long-term financial security thus has a better chance of being preserved. Maybe not in the first six months, but within a reasonable period of time.

JoanofNark17 · 17/02/2017 09:48

I find the level of selfishness and self interest on this thread totally horrifying. And for a measly 100 grand - it's not even that much money

What thread are you reading? Because this one is full of considered and sensible advice that actually fits the situation, not some self congratulatory "give him everything" which is completely unhelpful.

And 100 grand is not measly by any definition of the word. Horrible post on several levels.

KayTee87 · 17/02/2017 09:50

I think people who are railing about this don't understand what it means to have a disabled relative that you love, but who finds it difficult to manage independently

My bil is disabled and wouldn't live independently. Mil has a life insurance policy to be left to bil (nothing to be left to dh) and we will care for him when the time comes.
This makes me think even more that the daughter is being incredibly selfish.

KayTee87 · 17/02/2017 09:55

It probably would be better for him to be able to buy something smaller nearer by and have the rest of the money to live on. The op has said he wouldn't be able to get anywhere near by with only half the money.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/02/2017 09:58

KayTee but you haven't done it yet, have you?

And it isn't even a question of good intent. Looking after someone you love with a disability is expensive. It's hugely time consuming, too, and if you have kids and also have to earn a living then the pressure is huge.

Maybe you already have money, KayTee, and don't face a future of short sleep, increasing debt, absolute exhaustion and your kids having to do without you, all because you are looking after someone else (and doing it willingly and with a good heart because you love them), but I have seen this happen and it's not something to be blithely dismissed as you seem to be doing.

And, as I said, you haven't done it yet. Fine words now, but come back to me when you've actually done it.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/02/2017 10:05

And, as I said, you haven't done it yet. Fine words now, but come back to me when you've actually done it

Yes. I've done similar. Don't judge until you've walked in the shoes ...

KayTee87 · 17/02/2017 10:05

Archery we do it quite often already now and will happily continue as he is my husbands brother
The op in question is specifically about inheritance anyway and not care...

Floralnomad · 17/02/2017 10:08

As a parent with one child that needs caring for and one that is independent I can honestly say if I were in this position I would be getting advice on how best to provide for my child that needs assistance , unfortunate as it is for the other child / children an inheritance is a 'bonus' not a right and sometimes these things happen .

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 10:10

I am a carer with disabled relatives. I could only agree 50/50 as the future is unknown.

Who knows what will happen to the DD in the future? She and her family have their health now but is it permanent?

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 17/02/2017 10:13

If a studio flat in a less desirable part of town means he can access his support network, then I would seriously consider that as an option.

GloriaGaynor · 17/02/2017 10:15

I think people who are railing about this don't understand what it means to have a disabled relative that you love, but who finds it difficult to manage independently.

It's precisely because I do that I say what I do.

MycatsaPirate · 17/02/2017 10:21

Can this man manage money? Open post and deal with it? Pay bills? Can he budget? can he remember to eat? Can he cook and clean? Will he wash? wear clean clothes? Can he cope with day to day life without someone reminding him what to do?

I think a call to adult social services may be the best option to start with to see if he would qualify for supported housing.

Speak to the local council. Let them know that he is vulnerable and although he will have some money initially, he will not be able to earn and will need something affordable longterm which HB will cover once his money runs out.

He needs to have someone trustworthy who can help him manage his money, POA? Someone who can make sure that the lump sum is working for him while also managing his day to day money. He should still be entitled to dla/pip but will not be entitled to anything means tested.

As I'm unsure what's wrong with him, I can't signpost to anyone in particular but there are a lot of charities who provide help with things like this and also an Advocate to help push for the support that's needed (ie housing).

I do think the money should be split 50/50. There is no point in him staying in the flat if it's rundown, who will pay for repairs? But giving him the whole lot would only mean he is provided for for 20 years and it's unfair to the DD to miss out on what could be a lifechanging sum.

GloriaGaynor · 17/02/2017 10:22

With regard to the amount: 100 grand is not a lot of money to sell your soul for. If it were 10 million I could understand that some people would have their head turned by that - it would be awful - but more understandable. But then of course with that kind of sum there would be no problem.

It's said that everybody has a price and it turns out some people's price is quite low.

I don't dispute it would buy a house in some areas of the country, but you would be feathering your own nest at the expense of vulnerable person.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/02/2017 10:24

And what is wrong with a studio in a different part of town if it ticks all the boxes of being manageable and being close to his support network.

If the flat is in that state of disrepair then he wouldn't be able to stay anyway
I doubt he has the money to do it up or to maintain and run it.

What would have happened if his dm didn't have anything to leave. Where would he have ended up?

A measly £100000, if it is so measly then throw a measly few grand in my direction it would be most appreciated

JoanofNark17 · 17/02/2017 10:25

What a shitty post Gloria.

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