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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be left behind whilst my DH goes on holiday.

114 replies

Graceful1 · 16/02/2017 15:39

My DH of 20 years has recently taken up cycling in a big way, not only does he go out on his (very expensive) bike 2 - 3 times a week he has now decided he would like to go cycling in France with a small group. I have been invited but tbh can't sit on a bike for long and would much rather relax and read a book than get all hot and sweaty on a bike.
I can't get through to him that although I love France, I don`t want to ride around it on a bloody bike.
He thinks I am being selfish not wanting to go and is comtemplating going without me.
Where that leaves me in regard to getting a holiday I have no idea.
AIBU to think that we should go somewhere together and not want him to go on holiday without me.Confused

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 16/02/2017 15:41

I'd let him go and have a holiday somewhere else without him!

BoboChic · 16/02/2017 15:42

Let him go - he'll resent you if you don't let him.

Pinkheart5915 · 16/02/2017 15:43

Whats the issue with him going alone? Can you afford for him to go alone and the the two of you go somewhere else together ?

DH is really in to his cycling and he goes to France for a week with his friends each year, I've never been interested in going and I'm not upset or anything that he goes without me

coffeetasteslikeshit · 16/02/2017 15:43

Would it be your only holiday on the year? If so then he is being a bit unreasonable, however I also think you're being a bit unreasonable too. I sometimes go away without my DH to do things I enjoy, and he sometimes goes away without me to do his hobby. You make it sound a little bit like you're joined at the hip, have you got any friends you could go away with instead?

BarbaraofSeville · 16/02/2017 15:44

Can you go and sit and read a book or do whatever else you want while he is out riding his bike? Then you can do things together in the evening or on off days.

I've been on group mountain biking holidays with DP but am not as good as he is. I joined in some of the easier rides and had a few days off to walk, swim, read, see the sights etc.

happypoobum · 16/02/2017 15:44

I would let him go and book something you want to do.

I have had some marvellous holidays on my own and with friends. Isn't there somewhere you can see yourself having an ace time? I think he is BU giving you the guilt trip for not wanting to go cycling around France - I would rather gnaw my own arm off, but equally YABU kicking up a stink about him going.

Unless there are trust issues?

Original poster
Graceful1 · 16/02/2017 15:45

It would be our main holiday, I really don`t want to go somewhere else on my own.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2017 15:45

Could you work out some sort of compromise, where you go along and stay wherever he is staying, and you go and sight see, or read your book, whilst he does his riding, and then you get together in the evenings. And maybe you could put a day or two on the end of the holiday for you and he to spend some time together.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 16/02/2017 15:45

Why don't you want him to go without you? You must do things separately sometimes surely?

Can you afford for him to go and still have a holiday together?

Nothing wrong with him having a hobby. I've been with DH 20 years and he got really in to golf about 5 years ago and now goes away with friends for 2 weekends for gold each year, I'm not upset he goes without me.

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/02/2017 15:46

Could you compromise on a self-catering place, where you stay and relax, wander round local sights, read a book etc while he buggers off for a few hours? (NOT all day, every day, and NOT a new place every day.)

Any dc involved?

mouldycheesefan · 16/02/2017 15:46

Go but don't do the cycling. Relax with your book. You both get the holiday you want.

happypoobum · 16/02/2017 15:47

Grace do you not have any friends you could go on holiday with? I am in my fifties and my married mates are chomping at the bit to get away from their OH for a few days here and there.

Just ask - you may be surprised by how many people are up for it!

SEsofty · 16/02/2017 15:47

Can you afford another holiday together, or would that be the only holiday

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/02/2017 15:51

Do you have DC to take care of? If so, he's being selfish in suggesting a family-unfriendly holiday without considering childcare, but if you don't, and you can afford it, I don't see an issue with him deciding to have a holiday with friends.

He invited you, it's not your cup of tea, but that shouldn't mean he can't go alone.

Hygellig · 16/02/2017 15:51

Could you go but not cycle, or could you do a different holiday that week? Will you have the chance and funds to do another holiday together as well? It can be difficult if partners have different hobbies and interests. I would love to cycle round France but only the flat bits! I get that it's not everyone's cup of tea however.

I recently went skiing with a friend and DH stayed at home as he doesn't ski (he assured me that he didn't mind). We might try and all go together next year but he would still not do the skiing.

Vanillamanilla1 · 16/02/2017 15:51

Yabu to not want him to participate in his hobby because you don't want to / like to ride a bike
Id be pretty pissed of at you to be honest and don't be suprised if he is
Can't you go somewhere by yourself or with friends or enjoy being by yourself at home while he goes
You don't need to be joined at the hip yknow
You sound a bit needy

BarbaraofSeville · 16/02/2017 15:52

Or is there more to it than just the holiday? You say the bike was very expensive. Is he spending an unaffordable amount of money, in addition to the time, on cycling? Do you get a similar amount to spend on yourself? I can imagine that the average high end road bike wiping out a good amount of holiday budget.

Topseyt · 16/02/2017 15:53

Are you staying in a decent hotel or villa? Is it near reasonable amenities for you?

If so then go, but do your own thing in the day and let him go out on his bike.

My DH is into cycling. He might be interested in a cycling holiday, but know that while I might go on the actual holiday, I will not get on a bike.

Some family holidays we go on we pick somewhere nice to go, in whatever country and DH will hire a bike for himself for a few days. I either stay in the accommodation and read, go to the beach (and read), go and explore the local town. Whatever I want to do.

Unless he is proposing that you cycle too, and camp by the roadside, in which case he is being unreasonable.

Original poster
Graceful1 · 16/02/2017 15:55

TBH I don`t really socialise with his riding friends and would rather not holiday with strangers. I want to be able to relax, which I dont think I could do around strangers.

We don`t get much time together due to work (he works away a bit) and I feel that our holidays should be sacred. Its not a money issue or a trust issue.

Its not even like I can go and just avoid the riding as they are planning on sort of touring or whatever it is they do. I think some of the route of the Tour of France bike race is part of the holiday. (With no beaches in sight for me).

OP posts:
liz70 · 16/02/2017 15:56

Is it a touring holiday, moving on from gite to gite each day, or fixed in one location? That will influence whether you could join him or not, as obviously if he's riding place to place, you wouldn't be able to keep up unless you were also cycling.

liz70 · 16/02/2017 15:58

Crossposted. So not doable, then.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 16/02/2017 15:59

Maybe see it as he is touring not holidaying and get the calendar out and pick some weekends you can have away together over the summer instead - your choice of destination!!

Topseyt · 16/02/2017 16:00

So he is expecting you to go touring with him, when you don't even want to cycle. Also, that is to be your main holiday.

If so then I would say that is unreasonable and he is projecting his wish to cycle onto you. You should be picking somewhere you both want to visit on holiday, using it as a base. No reason then why he cannot go out and explore on his bike if he wishes providing he does spend some time with you as well.

Kiroro · 16/02/2017 16:01

We don`t get much time together due to work (he works away a bit) and I feel that our holidays should be sacred.

Can a compromise be reached? Can he go for a long weekend?

Can you both up your holiday allowance or take some unpaid leave if it is not a cash issue? At my work we can do a straight sacrifice of 1 days pay for 1 days holiday up to another 2 weeks.

happypoobum · 16/02/2017 16:01

Ok, so I think we can see it's not going to work with you tagging along and not cycling if they are touring.

You say he is away a lot - how do you normally occupy yourself when he is away? Who would you normally meet up with for drinks/cinema/coffee?

I understand that holidaying alone isn't for everyone, but hopefully there is someone in your life other than your DH that you feel comfortable with?