To not want to be left behind whilst my DH goes on holiday.

[Graceful1]

My DH of 20 years has recently taken up cycling in a big way, not only does he go out on his (very expensive) bike 2 - 3 times a week he has now decided he would like to go cycling in France with a small group. I have been invited but tbh can't sit on a bike for long and would much rather relax and read a book than get all hot and sweaty on a bike.
I can't get through to him that although I love France, I don`t want to ride around it on a bloody bike.
He thinks I am being selfish not wanting to go and is comtemplating going without me.
Where that leaves me in regard to getting a holiday I have no idea.
AIBU to think that we should go somewhere together and not want him to go on holiday without me.

If this is your only holiday then it's a bit selfish of him but if it's because you don't want him having fun without you then you're being a bit mean.

DH loves fishing, it bores me rigid so I wave him off and go on tennis weekends with my mates.

It is a bit controlling to stop him perusing a hobby he loves.

I would be interested to know what he'd say if you turned around and said you would love to go, as long as he cycles with you at your pace as obviously he wouldn't invite you then leave you behind...

Maybe that would help him see what he is suggesting is a holiday for him, not for you as a couple. And if you don't spend much time together, separate main holidays is something you should both want imo

Good point Bamboo. I'm a relatively keen cyclist and have an aptitude for numbers etc so I understand how gears work, how wheel size affects speed, that sort of thing, but talking about it bores me senseless.

It's a common cyclist version of small talk/ice breaker. They look at your bike and say something like 'oh you're running a 42' or 'are those magnesium pedals, nice' and I don't want to get into it at all and may have even done the 'oh I don't know about that, DP sorts out all the bike stuff' ' to not get into why I prefer a 42 or a 47 or what metal my pedals are made of etc etc.

something that you should only do if you both want to

what the fuck is it with these men and their fucking cycling?

this comes up a lot no?

anyway, see it as his version of a yoga retreat/weekend in Barcelona or something nicer

make sure you get your time too

"He thinks I am being selfish not wanting to go and is comtemplating going without me."
This is the problem as I see it, not the cycling holiday per se. He is expecting you to want to do what he wants to do. He is seeing it as if he is the one that gets to make the choices, and you just have to tug your forelock agree because you are a lesser person than he. And that is not on. Not on at all.

"Its not a money issue or a trust issue."
"We don`t get much time together due to work (he works away a bit)"
"It would be our main holiday"
Why would it be your main holiday? You've said it's not a money issue so is it a time issue - he doesn't have much time he can take off? Or he won't take holiday?

For comparison, DH has been on several one-week cycling holidays without me. I considered going on the last one, but the base was such a one-horse town I decided against it (I don't cycle). BUT THIS IS NOT HIS MAIN HOLIDAY. Our holiday together is our main holiday, and we plan it together for the things we both like.

I would put forward the compromise that he goes on this holiday, but it is absolutely not the main holiday, which is and always will be a joint venture. Not one deciding that the other will play tag-along.

Have you never been on holiday/ away (not for work) without each other in 20 years?!?

Your OP indicates you resent the time he spends out doing stuff not with you ('not only does he go out on (his very expensive) bike...'). Why d'you resent him this time spent on his hobby? Is it because you don't have something similar to occupy your time? In which case, maybe it's time to get some interests of your own. Or is it because you're left at home looking after DC while he's off on the bike?

People don't get married to go holidaying alone while their partner goes on a hobby holiday surely. - So married people can't go on holiday alone? I really find this completely odd. You don't marry someone just so you can have someone to go on holiday with! Majority of married people see each other every single day throughout most of the year, it's GOOD to have time apart.

We've done quite a few separate holidays with DH but it has never been our main holiday.
Asking you to come over, follow him like a nice little pet, jin in conversations that will mean nothing to you and do a hols that will be the opposite pf what you would enjoy is not on imo.

I would suggest he goes for s shorter trip that doesn't cost as much so you can still have your main hols and he gets a cycling trip too. Just be sure that you can get your own small hols.

If budget is restricted and you cant have a man hols together and each a smaller hols, then he shouldn't go unless you are happy to go away holidaying on your own (which doesn't seem to be the case)

Surely if you both get the legal minimum annual leave each year and money is not an issue, or DCs, which you don't mention, then there is more than enough time for this holiday not to be your main holiday, which can be at another time of the year?

Then while your DH is in France, you do something you want to do, or stay at home and have a holiday at home.

I'm sure people on here will give you loads of ideas about having a solo or group holiday anywhere in the world if you say what your interests are. Or how to make the best of a holiday at home.

My DP works away a lot and I do this at least once a year. Take a few days off and visit museums, go walking, go to the spa, sit in the garden, live on M&S prepared food, read a lot, that sort of thing.

We don`t get much time together due to work (he works away a bit) and I feel that our holidays should be sacred.

But free time outside work isn't just to do what your idea of a great holiday is.

My DH goes skiing once a year with the lads, I go out to parents villa once a year with the girls, and then we have a shared few days away together, usually exploring various parts of Italy.

It doesn't have to take the place of a main holiday, surely?

My DH cycles and has done quite a few cycling holidays. I've stayed behind, and we've had another holiday later as a family (and I have my odd indulgences too).
A friend of his is from the US so when he goes cycling in the alps, his wife comes too, but she provides "back up support" and does her own thing. They usually stay in the chalets you often find on French campsites.

I really think you need to find your own interests and do something separately for you.

DH and couple friends have been thinking of doing a motorcycle trip (she rides too). I'm deathly afraid and have made it clear that I will not be riding on back. It's a scenic area (US 1, SF to some point unknown). I've told him that I'm more than willing to drive and tote the luggage IF I pick the lodging, am free to go at my own pace, and their touring day ends with time for us all to 'hang out'. Win/win as far as I'm concerned. We'll have time together AND I'll have time to myself. Would you be able to do something like that?

But if that doesn't appeal we also do separate holidays every so often since we both have hobbies/interests the other doesn't care for. I spent 4 days with BFF at Disneyland/Universal (OK, my hobby is Disney)just after Xmas, he just got back from 4 nights camping with his friends. I don't see it as a problem. Pursuing your own interests and having a cranky, bored spouse tagging along is not a holiday at all, for anyone. Pursuing your interests with like-minded friends returns you to 'everyday life' refreshed and renewed.

DH and I do have interests in common, too. We do long RV trips (1-2 months) every year.

Could he get one of those lovely comfy trailers for bikes you see around these days, and he could hitch it up to his bike and you could lie back and sunbathe in it and read and still go on holiday together?

If I were you I'd just go here on my own instead: yogaplus.co.uk/

If you trust him and it's not a financial issue I don't really get the problem here. Everyone is entitled to 28 days paid leave per year (pro rata). What is the big deal of using a week of that and how does it stop you going on another holiday together?

Could you suggest that next year your main holiday is something you have an interest in, even if he doesn't. Depends on your interests but for ex, a week long spa retreat.
Ask him if he would be happy for this to be your main holiday.
Don't let him try to explain that it is not the same thing.

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/mid-life-crisis-reduced-to-the-purchase-of-cycling-equipment-201009303131

I don't think I would be happy if it's a week. A weekend would be OK. Surely it doesn't work if you cycle because you obviously don't cycle so would slow the rest down. And if it is a tour De France route no chance!
Personally (if no kids) I would be happy to tag along if I can stay out of cycling and he wouldn't be cycling all day everyday. But if that is what they are doing you won't actually spend any time together. And presumably he wouldn't want to spend every evening even with you but rather socialise with the group.
I would have to stat out of it and book myself a week somewhere else another time.

So married people can't go on holiday alone? I really find this completely odd. You don't marry someone just so you can have someone to go on holiday with! Majority of married people see each other every single day throughout most of the year, it's GOOD to have time apart.

I think it's fine to go on holiday alone/separately provided you have the resources for a holiday together too if you want one. I would be gutted if my partner wanted his only holiday to be one with new hobby friends. Yeah, we see each other every day, but 72% of those days are work days and even the weekends usually feature domesticity in some form. Too right I want to holiday together.

It's a tricky one. Is it about money? I have a relative who recently did a bike ride across part of France for a charity. That might be a good compromise because he would get a trip free and raise money, meaning you still have the budget for a holiday together.

I think OP has already stated that there are no financial issues and assuming they are in the UK, there should be other weeks available for them to holiday together.

I do feel it's a bit horrid for the DH to put pressure on OP, but equally I don't think it is healthy to be so dependent on one other person that you can't imagine a holiday without them.

I am wondering if OP has spent years being a trailing spouse or similar and found it hard to establish friendships?

I have a large friendship group and I literally can't think of anyone who doesn't have holidays both with their spouse and separately with friends, even those with younger DC, except for one couple whose finances would prohibit this, and another who insists on staying married to a cheating piece of scum and cannot allow him out of her sight in case his dick falls into someone.

Also, regarding 28 days paid leave - a lot of people have bank holidays included in that, so 8 days. So can't exactly move them to when suits you.

It must be hard going, used to things being a certain way for decades and then suddenly ... All Change!.. off he goes on his bike, 2/3 times a week. apossibly cutting into time you 2 used to spend together.

And then on top of that without consultation he wants to turn what you have always done, (holiday together at a mutually agreeable place, with mutually agreeable activities ?) on its head and make it all about him. With you as some kind of afterthought.

I don't see the issue as one of how reasonable it is for him to want to go. amore a case of how reasonable is it to unilaterally change the status quo without warning, and then expect your partner to fall into line PDQ.

I like my change to gradual. And to be involved in its creation. We holiday apart. DH thinks England is the land of crap weather, crap food and no culture (my fault, not England's fault) and has refused to ever go back again. So it's not the separate holiday part that bothers me in this.

It's deffo the extent to which the OP is supposed to take change she has had no part in creating, being thrust on her without the time to discuss it, and maybe make it more gradual and/or mutually comfortable transition to a new normal.

fuck me, typos a-go-go in that post.

Bad iPad !

Not helpful I know..but god I'd love that..I've always wanted to go on a cycling holiday..sigh..seriously thou,go go go go..have a day joining him on his bike and days by a pool with a book.evenings together