To not want to be left behind whilst my DH goes on holiday.

[Graceful1]

My DH of 20 years has recently taken up cycling in a big way, not only does he go out on his (very expensive) bike 2 - 3 times a week he has now decided he would like to go cycling in France with a small group. I have been invited but tbh can't sit on a bike for long and would much rather relax and read a book than get all hot and sweaty on a bike.
I can't get through to him that although I love France, I don`t want to ride around it on a bloody bike.
He thinks I am being selfish not wanting to go and is comtemplating going without me.
Where that leaves me in regard to getting a holiday I have no idea.
AIBU to think that we should go somewhere together and not want him to go on holiday without me.

HIBU for trying to get you to go with him when you don't want to. But I think YABU for not wanting him to go at all.

I wouldn't want to holiday separately from DP every year, but we do separate trips occasionally because we don't like all the same things/places.

Also I like sometimes taking the opportunity to go somewhere nice with my mum, or best friend and it's great to have quality time with them and a different type of holiday than I'd do with DP.

People don't get married to go holidaying alone while their partner goes on a hobby holiday surely

I would find it stifling to be in a relationship where I could never go away without the other person. Surely you can manage to be on your own for a week?? Send him off and wish him a good time.

that Daily Mash v good!

"“I dressed myself in the gear and looked at myself in the mirror and thought, ‘What have I become?’ I looked like a chunky wasp.
“Maybe I’ll take the bike into the garden tomorrow and smash it with a mallet, while weeping.”"

We compromise he takes the bike gets up early and is back by the time dds and I are surfacing i.e. 10 ish. He gets a day or two pure cycling per holiday and I get the same days to myself though often don't take but he does more childcare to make up for it i.e. on beach he will be jolly dad while I read. Think it's fair.

I dont understand this either to be honest. My husband goes on golfing holidays, i go on girls only holidays with female friends, we still go on holiday together, most people have enough leave to do so.

Us too because we can afford it, I don't mean we can't bear to be parted (we really can!) but if resources/circumstances only allowed for one holiday for each of us, as the OP's seem to, I'd want that one to be together.

My dh goes off on a cycling touring holiday on his own every year. It's the last thing I want to do. I then go on a spa break with my sister. We still have our main family holiday altogether in the summer. I think it's healthy to do different things. I think you should let him go and enjoy some time on your own.

I don't get why you would object. I'm going off to a yoga retreat this year alone; if I had a partner who resented it I don't think I would want to be with them anymore

I agree with others that if DH does really want to go on this cycling trip then he goes with his friends but you go on another holiday together at a different time of year.

I do get where you are coming from, I think. My DH is batshit about his bikes (has four of the fuckers) and enjoys his cycling whereas I have no interest in it at all. I would be happy for him to go on a cycling holiday himself while I did other things, but if he tried to foist one on me and make it the main holiday, expecting me to take part in touring etc. then it simply wouldn't work and I would throw a serious strop about it. A main holiday together would have to happen at a different time.

If money is no issue, maybe now is the time to re-think holidays?
Personally, I think you are being possessive. If he wants a boys' week away then let him. Surely he gets more than a week ( or two ) holiday a year? If like many people he gets 20-25 days' holiday annually, why can't he have time with his mates and 2 -3 weeks spent with you over the year?

You aren't joined at the hip just because you signed a bit of paper. After 20 years surely you can each enjoy time with other people as well as time together?

My husband and I often go on holiday separately as we have completely differen hobbies.

I understand that you don't want it to be your main holiday. I'd tell him that it doesn't work for a main holiday for the both of you. Instead, he could treat it as an additional trip that he can pay for separately and not out the main holiday budget.

You know, this has gotten me to thinking. There was a time when we were much younger, that we couldn't afford separate holidays. Or rather, we could afford DH's because camping is cheap, but we couldn't afford mine because Disney is expensive! Even so, I didn't have a problem with him going on his own for a few days. I still had a 'holiday' from housework, cooking, and such. I spent the time relaxing, eating takeaway or ready meals, watching the shows I wanted to watch, and hanging out with friends. Even when the DC were small and he went camping, it was still relaxing.

There is only one solution; tell him he will be hiring one of those baby carts you tow behind the bike but a plush version. Stock it up with a mini fridge full of champers, some good cheese, bring some fabulous books, chocolate and a comfy pillow. Sit back, relax and enjoy as a fully refreshed and accepting/accommodating wife.

If it's your only holiday then it's unfair on you but if it's not and you will go away together later in the year then I think you're being unfair on him. You don't want to go with him, you don't want him to go with out you. So basically he can't go at all which is a little mean of you to be honest.

I would wave him off & then go away for a week either with a friend or if that didn't work out due to costs/time issues etc book to go somewhere I've always wanted to go but DH doesn't with a group/tour guide eg Africa, Sorrento, China, Moscow....

Is OP coming back?

I know I might have come across as being needy and selfish, but DH already spends 2 or 3 days a week out his bike which would not be a problem its just all the faffing around that goes with it.
He has to spend half the night before getting everything ready, then hours after he gets back cleaning and polishing it and sorting out his sparkly spandex/lycra stuff.
This leaves hardly any time to do anything else and now on top of all that he wants it to encroach into our holidays.
We can't even go shopping FFS without calling into the local bike shop on the way/way back.
The more I try to explain how I feel the more it upsets/annoys me.

I totally get you OP. You could be describing my DH.

His bikes are his babies. He loves bike shops, but I just leave him to that and go off and do my own thing.

At least he hasn't tried to drag me on a touring holiday though. Just let him try it.

I think that others who haven't experienced this obsession maybe don't get just how it encroaches onto other things.

"He has to spend half the night before getting everything ready, then hours after he gets back cleaning and polishing it and sorting out his sparkly spandex/lycra stuff."
What? Getting what ready? DH takes half an hour tops cleaning his bike, ten minutes is usually enough. He puts his cycling gear in the washing basket and when there's enough lycra garments in there, they go in the machine. What else is there to do?

it's what I thought, I think it's obvious you're feeling personally rejected and that his hobbies are draining your relationship. You need to talk to him about it.

OP, can you clarify why this cycling holiday would be your main holiday? Why would it not be him going away for a week on his own, and then you both go on your main holiday together?

Is he really cycling for 2-3 full days a week? Or is it an early morning ride Saturday and / or Sunday then a couple of road rides in the evening during the week. It is a hobby it is addictive to middle age men. sometimes it does take time to get the bike ready, change the tyres, oil the chain re do the brakes.

A few days away with his cycling friends isn't really the problem.

The problem is that you are feeling rejected. You need to talk to him. But perhaps compromise and you get a friend and go on a city break or something that interests you. I'm afraid you cannot make an adult not do something if they don't want to.

You are all right I suppose, I am feeling rejected and I should be happy for him to do "his thing"
But I dont want to go on holiday with anyone else. Is that really such a bad thing?. Also I dont particularly want to be left at home alone as he already spends time away from home for work.
Why can't he be happy with riding his bike locally without having to go abroad.

So "his thing" involves basically every night bar one doing or organising it?

Is there a way that could change so on a daily/weekly basis he has more time for your relationship?

I also love with a cycling fanatic, although he had to calm it down once we had kids. I would not go on a touring holiday if you're not cycling. Not only are they going to be cycling all day, they'll be talking about it all evening or fiddling with their bikes.

The real problem though isn't so much the holiday, but you feeling neglected and your relationship feeling neglected, because you are and it is. Feelings like that don't go away on their own, unless you become resigned to your relationship taking second fiddle to his hobby. If you felt he invested enough time/energy in the relationship, I'm betting you wouldn't be quite so annoyed about this trip.

*live with