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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be left behind whilst my DH goes on holiday.

114 replies

Graceful1 · 16/02/2017 15:39

My DH of 20 years has recently taken up cycling in a big way, not only does he go out on his (very expensive) bike 2 - 3 times a week he has now decided he would like to go cycling in France with a small group. I have been invited but tbh can't sit on a bike for long and would much rather relax and read a book than get all hot and sweaty on a bike.
I can't get through to him that although I love France, I don`t want to ride around it on a bloody bike.
He thinks I am being selfish not wanting to go and is comtemplating going without me.
Where that leaves me in regard to getting a holiday I have no idea.
AIBU to think that we should go somewhere together and not want him to go on holiday without me.Confused

OP posts:
NapQueen · 16/02/2017 16:02

If you can both still afford and have time for a couples holiday, then I dont think it unreasonable for him to also have a holiday with friends. Which you are also invited to by the way.

How long is his cycling holiday?

How would he react if you wanted to go away with friends doing something he didnt fancy?

Pinbasket · 16/02/2017 16:03

How long is this proposed trip, and how many weeks of annual leave do you both get? Do you have dc?

Viewofhedges · 16/02/2017 16:03

My DH loves his bike and has mentioned doing a holiday like this. I don't like the idea of hanging around waiting for him so our suggestion was for him to go off first, have a lovely time cycling up hills Confused with other MAMILs and then I'd join him for a long weekend afterwards, just the two of us. Win win for both of us. Could you do something similar?

OllyBJolly · 16/02/2017 16:05

I think the idea of French cycling trips is that they go to different places every day so not really compatible with going to back to a gite every evening.

OP, I'd have a serious look at going on holiday on your own. You might love it! Think of where you would really like to visit and what you would love to do.

I do feel you are B a bit U in insisting holidays always have to be both of you.

SpongebobRoundPants · 16/02/2017 16:05

I think you would be very unreasonable not to let him go just because you don't want to. Either tag along or go somewhere else alone, simplesSmile

fluffiphlox · 16/02/2017 16:08

If he's doing the étape with friends I'd leave him to it. Could he not do the cycling and then join you at your accommodation of choice? You are making yourself sound a bit needy.

pigeondujour · 16/02/2017 16:09

People don't get married to go holidaying alone while their partner goes on a hobby holiday surely. Family holidays are a priority, then if there's time and money left over you can each do your own thing too, and if not you can't, seems the common sense approach to me.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 16/02/2017 16:09

I'd be happy for my DH to go. Not every year because obviously I cherish our time together and we love our family holidays, but as a one off or every few years I think it sounds wonderful. If he's into his cycling he'll have a great time. Are you saying that he will never ever be "allowed" to go on a cycling holiday? Because that seems quite selfish to be honest. Think how you would feel if he permanently removed the possibility of you doing something that you really loved. Or would you be happy for him to go another time if you are expecting your work schedules to ease off so that time together is not so rare? Will the opportunity to go with this group still be there another time?

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/02/2017 16:09

I think him working away a lot/the lack of couples time is the problem, not the holiday.

He shouldn't be restricted to JUST holidaying with you for the rest of his life, surely? What's wrong with him going away with friends for a few days?

JennyWren · 16/02/2017 16:10

How about him going for his week and then you joining him at the end point and you both staying there for another week. You can spend your second week of leave either on a hobby of your own, or sightseeing, or with friends of your own - or just having a chill-out time alone. What do you do in your free time? How do you like to relax?

youarenotkiddingme · 16/02/2017 16:10

If dh cycles a lot and you don't how is he expecting you to keep up with the cycling group? Doesn't sound like the type of holiday you could go on?

I think going away with cycling is fine TBH. My dad has skied without family loads of times, been on yaughting holidays - but we always did a family camping trip to France and we went with mum and her sisters as well and dad didn't go.

What the problem seems to be is that there isn't time for another holiday together?

ZaZathecat · 16/02/2017 16:11

I can't imagine how he could expect you to tag along with a bunch of hardened cyclists, you'd end up in different towns! Sounds selfish if that would have been your main holiday. Can't he make it up by taking you awy somewhere of your choice another time?

Tigresswoods · 16/02/2017 16:11

Sometimes DH goes on holiday golfing with mates. I go skiing with DS & without DH as he doesn't enjoy it.

You're married not joined at the hip.

Do you have a family member or friend you'd like to go away with?

Herhighness · 16/02/2017 16:13

A cycling holiday sounds like hell to me even with a gel saddle.
Let him go and book yourself a holiday with or without a friend that way you will both get what you want.

liz70 · 16/02/2017 16:14

Do you drive? Could you hire a car and travel around that way? In a car, you'd get to each stop in a fraction of the time, so have more time to sightsee etc. You could sail past him smiling, as he's struggling up a 1 in 4 hill.

juneau · 16/02/2017 16:16

Well he's being unreasonable if this will be your 'main' holiday, but why does it have to be? I don't really understand why he can't have a week's cycling with his biking buddies and then the two of you go somewhere else and do a more traditional holiday. Presumably you both get more than a week's holiday a year?

I'm inclined to agree with the first reply, which said 'Let him go, he'll resent you if you don't'. Tbh it does sound like you're being a bit precious and foot-stamping. Maybe lounging around and reading a book isn't his idea of fun any more than cycle touring is yours? In which case it makes sense to give him one week a year to indulge his enthusiasm without you having to trail, resentfully, along. Relationships are about compromise - this is a test to see if you can do that.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/02/2017 16:17

My dh goes on a couple of cycling trips a year, he's fairly new to it to.

I'm very happy he has a great hobby.

I'm surprised that you're saying this would take the place of a family holiday.

pigeondujour · 16/02/2017 16:18

I'm honestly baffled by 'needy' and 'not joined at the hip' sentiments about a 20-years-married couple.

Nicky333 · 16/02/2017 16:19

If it's an organised group, they have vehicles that go from place to place. Maybe see if you could join that and then stay for a week together afterwards?

Alaia5 · 16/02/2017 16:19

OP - Sorry I'm not seeing the problem here. Just let him go and then go somewhere else as a couple . You say money is not the issue.
My DH is cycling found the world in stages. They go every year so the next one will be in May. He's also going car racing in Portugal in a couple of weeks, plus a charity trip to an African country in April and those are just the things I can think of off the top of my head.
Would you even be able to keep up with the cycling if you haven't trained?
Just go somewhere else of your choice.

Parker231 · 16/02/2017 16:20

What are your hobbies? Can you not go on a holiday connected with your hobby with like minded people.

Bamboofordinneragain · 16/02/2017 16:23

Let him go, do it with good grace, and find something or somewhere amazing for yourself. Better than tagging along with people who will want to spend every evening talking about gear ratios and hors categorie climbs.

user1484226561 · 16/02/2017 16:25

just go with him, don't do any cycling, meet up in the evenings, keep up by train every day, ( or every other day) and do something together after.

You don't want to stop him doing something he is so keen on, do you? And if you don't want to be left behind, and don't want to cycle, then do something non cycling and vaguely attached to the group.

Fakenewsday · 16/02/2017 16:26

it sounds like your feelings are hurt because he is putting his cycling mates above time with you, and you say you don't get much of it? I'd explain how you feel to him, say that you'll go on a separate holiday this year, but that you don't expect that he'll be going on holiday with his cycling mates as your main holiday again.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2017 16:26

I think how long it's for and how many days holiday entitlement you both have is important info. You've said no financial issues so if he has days he can have for holiday left you can both still go away together, then it's unreasonable for you to not want him to go, if however it means you can't have a joint holiday and you've no fiends you'd be happy to go with, then you need to find a compromise, like he does less days touring and spends some time at the end with you,

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