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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be left behind whilst my DH goes on holiday.

114 replies

Graceful1 · 16/02/2017 15:39

My DH of 20 years has recently taken up cycling in a big way, not only does he go out on his (very expensive) bike 2 - 3 times a week he has now decided he would like to go cycling in France with a small group. I have been invited but tbh can't sit on a bike for long and would much rather relax and read a book than get all hot and sweaty on a bike.
I can't get through to him that although I love France, I don`t want to ride around it on a bloody bike.
He thinks I am being selfish not wanting to go and is comtemplating going without me.
Where that leaves me in regard to getting a holiday I have no idea.
AIBU to think that we should go somewhere together and not want him to go on holiday without me.

OP posts:

FritzDonovan · 22/02/2017 03:43

YADNBU OP
You spend a lot of time alone because of his work, even more time alone because he's cycling a couple of days a week. Now he wants to spend your one annual hol with his new mates, doing something you don't enjoy.
I would be pretty annoying /sad he didn't want to take the hol with me too. Sounds like he is taking you for granted and doesn't value your time together. Plan a hol together first, then if there's enough money, both go off and do your own thing. Otherwise, he's being selfish.

whattodowiththepoo · 22/02/2017 05:09

We did a cycling trip to Cuba, DP spent most of the riding time in the support van reading and drinking rum.

steff13 · 22/02/2017 05:44

How often does he work away from home? You said "a bit." That's not really very clear.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/02/2017 05:54

If this is meant to be your main holiday, then yes, he sounds very selfish.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/02/2017 06:14

Since this would be your main holiday YANBU to think it should be one you'd both enjoy. If you don't have enough money and/or holiday time to afford a main holiday together and this bike trip (and an equivalent for you) then I think he's being incredibly entitled thinking you should just tag along or let him head off on his own.

But if you can afford this and a main holiday together I don't think it's U for him to expect to be able to go either with you or on his own (assuming no caring commitments being foisted on you by his disappearing off for a week).

NotYoda · 22/02/2017 06:27

My DH goes away for weekends cycling. That's generally OK

Sometimes he's planned it without mentioning it to me first and that has pissed me off because I'm seen as the default carer

Your DH is being selfish - because it's your main holiday and he expects you to be able to enjoy it as much as he does. But I'm wondering about how he is the rest of the time. because of he is caring towards you then I'd be surprised at his assumption that you'd enjoy this holiday and his attempt to foist it on you.

Huldra · 22/02/2017 08:08

He has spent months building up cycling fitness, has a great bike, has all the right gear to be comfortable. Surely he knows that you are not going to be able to keep up with the group? Do you even have a suitable bike and gear, is it possible to rent, or is he planning to spend the equivalent of a cheap holiday on getting it? Not that you want to go anyway.

I'm all for holidays alone for specific interests but it doesn't seem fair if the choices are:
The one holiday a year doing something that you will physically not be able to do, find very difficult or hate.
You have no holiday.

Can you agree that he goes on one of their other holidays at a later date, or next year. If it's a club they probably have several organized. In the meantime he puts money I to saving up instead of buying any more new gear.

Huldra · 22/02/2017 08:21

But if it is a case where you can have another main holiday together I would let him get on with it and go. I'm assuming it's for a week and not 3 weeks or anything silly.

You asked earlier in the thread why he can't just go locally, it is very different going on a tour. There's something in the planning, different scenery, the sense of achievement and adventure. I'm talking as a hiker though and love doing a long distance trail. I have a list of ones I'd like to do around the world and happily spend my evenings with a map and google

EustaceClarenceScrubb · 22/02/2017 08:22

I hear you OP, cleaning bikes/fiddling with tyres/checking breaks/organising the cycling clothes etc. The bike helmet has pride of place on our sideboard (can't go anywhere else apparently) PFB base layers that have to be hand washed and not put in the mean & nasty tumble dryer in case they get ruined- the cycle related mania just goes on & on. BUT- my DH would get his cycle lights shoved up his arse if he dared suggest he go on a cycle holiday- and he knows it, and so would never suggest it. I think you need to stand firm, it really is not fair that you have to spend your holiday tagging along on a hobby trip that you do not share.

EustaceClarenceScrubb · 22/02/2017 08:26

Sorry, should be checking brakes, not breaks. It is all this talk of going away!

WaitedForGodot · 22/02/2017 08:47

It's still never been explained why this would have to be their only holiday - OP has said the money isn't an issue, and I can't believe they don't have enough annual leave for two week-long holidays in a year.

If it doesn't have to be their only holiday I do think it would be unreasonable not to let him go. I go away for a week on my own once every year and a half or so and it does wonders for me in terms of general happiness.

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2017 08:56

Op. you're really not being very clear. You've said there is no financial issues so why is this going to encroach on your holidays together?. How long is he going for and how many annual days leave do you both get? I think the question has been asked several times on the thread.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/02/2017 09:36

Why can't he be happy with riding his bike locally without having to go abroad

Maybe the people he rides with are going away and he wants to join them, which is understandable. The UK generally hates cyclists and the weather is often shit, as are our roads for cyclists. France generally has better weather, a lot more respect for cyclists and is iconic within the cycling world.

I understand that you want to spend holidays together given that he works away, but if money isn't an issue, what is stopping you having one or more holidays together as well as a separate holiday each?

You don't mention DCs, so it's not even like that is a factor. Do you have elderly relatives you can't leave for extended periods? What do you like to do and can't you do this as a holiday either alone or with a friend/relative. Or there must be something that you like more than your DH that could form a basis for a solo or group holiday? Cruises have lots of lone travellers for a start.

ShaniaTwang · 22/02/2017 10:11

Of course you're not being needy or selfish. It's perfectly reasonable and part of a loving, intimate relationship to want to spend holiday time relaxing.

Unless there is a second holiday for both of you to go on together, it is totally unreasonable and unrealistic to expect this to be your main couple holiday.

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