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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have snapped at 'date'?

343 replies

Karceys · 16/02/2017 10:15

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

OP posts:
ThisisrealityGreg · 16/02/2017 11:00

I can totally see how the Whitby thing on its own would have been fairly innocuous but after the food comments my guard would have been up and I'd have reacted in the same way.

Branleuse · 16/02/2017 11:00

he sounds annoying, but you sound like you were very snippy

ThisisrealityGreg · 16/02/2017 11:01

But I don't think I'd have got that far...

astormgivenflesh · 16/02/2017 11:01

Dump him, don't see him again, etc
I have massive red flags with ppl making food 'jokes' - they are shitty, often rooted in fatphobia and make me think what else would he 'joke' about

Trust your instinct, you don't sound hard work or nippy - you felt off with him bc he was being a dick so trust that FlowersStar

ComicSans · 16/02/2017 11:02

Each thing on it's own could easily be clumsy flirting

Well, yes, that's what I think the poor fool intended he was trying to be all devil-may-care and irreverent and jocular but, even so, why on earth would you want to go on a fourth date with someone whose ability to understand social situations was so minimal that he thought that this was cute early-date banter?

It's about a micro-step from him 'jokily' smacking her hand away from the popcorn box and saying 'Naughty naughty! A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! Wouldn't want cellulite on our trip to Whitby, now would we?' Grin

SpringerS · 16/02/2017 11:02

Who had paid for the cinema tickets? Did you each pay for your own, had you bought them, or had he bought them? Because I'm wondering if the 'greedy guts' comment was him very clumsily hinting that you should have offered to buy him a snack too/his way of telling you he didn't want you to pay for a snack for him. Or if you had bought the tickets maybe he was trying to cover up for not reciprocating by buying your snack. It's just that his apology started by explaining how expensive he finds the food in cinemas.

OhhBetty · 16/02/2017 11:03

The Whitby thing wouldn't have bothered me. But I would have left if they commented on what I was eating and drinking, especially the greedy comment. Possibly controlling and definitely unkind. If that's his "humour" then it isn't for me at all!

Liiinoo · 16/02/2017 11:03

I would have been pissed off at the greedy guts but not the Whitby thing.

You have discovered after three dates you are not a good match. On to the next one.

Original poster
Karceys · 16/02/2017 11:03

No I always insist on paying for myself.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 16/02/2017 11:04

He was rude. Especially saying about the cost of the food - that suggests tight. Men who are tight are tight emotionally as well as financially. He should have offered to buy it for you.

In the early days of a relationship the person should be on their very best behaviour.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2017 11:05

Dear god, all this second guessing. 'I'm sure it was a joke.' 'He's just clumsy.' 'It was because you didn't offer to buy him a snack.'

When you feel a niggle, GO WITH IT! Don't second guess. Just cut and run.

EmeraldScorn · 16/02/2017 11:05

The remarks about food would have pissed me off and I would have put him straight on the spot (like you did) but I think the holiday comment was him trying but failing to be flirty, although I don't think your response was rude as such just slightly defensive.

Is he always cracking jokes that only he finds funny? That would put me off, as would being scolded, reminded or lectured about what I should eat/treat myself to.

What were the "niggles" on the previous date?

PerryCoxHair · 16/02/2017 11:06

Oh god. I'm going on a first date tonight with a bloke and I can totally imagine nerves getting the better of me and I end blurting out stuff like your date! I wouldn't mean anything by it i would be trying to be funny Blush

Sonders · 16/02/2017 11:07

YANBU! Move on with dignity. I'd have found the Whitby thing infuriating too.

jay55 · 16/02/2017 11:08

The Whitby thing would have really grated for me. Sounds like such a little woman comment.

Cherryskypie · 16/02/2017 11:08

God, some of you set the bar really low. It's a third date and she's 'hard work' and he's just 'flirting'???

The food comments were enough OP. Life's too short to waste time trying to explain away someone being a prick when you've barely started dating.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 16/02/2017 11:08

You come across as being defensive. Either wait until you are less hormonal and give it another go or cut your losses and tell him you don't feel you are compatible and move on.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2017 11:09

You really think comments like that are funny, Perry? Hmm

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2017 11:09

Yeah I'd bin him. The food comments were weird and uncalled for. Sounds like he's a miser with money and he's controlling with food. Telling uounwere greedy and unhealthy for wanting popcorn and a coke would have pissed me off too.

The Whitby thing was nothing to get het up about though

gamerwidow · 16/02/2017 11:09

Whitby thing probably just flirting gone a bit wrong the food thing was unacceptable. It's never acceptable to comment on how much (or how little) someone is eating and too call you greedy is just nasty, not jokey at all.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2017 11:10

'God, some of you set the bar really low. It's a third date and she's 'hard work' and he's just 'flirting'???'

Exactly! And the whole 'hormonal' thing. Misogynistic bullshit.

PerryCoxHair · 16/02/2017 11:11

Expat No, I don't when reading them on here. All I was saying that I can understand how nerves get in the way and you can end up speaking before engaging brain.

flippinada · 16/02/2017 11:12

Yanbu. I could feel my hackles rising when I read the popcorn and coke "joke".

AmserGwin · 16/02/2017 11:12

The popcorn and coke comment would have really pissed me off too, well done for picking him up on it. Are you going to see him again?

AutumnalLeafs · 16/02/2017 11:16

I also agree with Expat. You aren't hard work at all and I'm amazed at the rather pathetic posters who are suggesting you are:

Personally I would have concluded he wasn't for me the very second these words left his mouth
"popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!"

"Greedy guts"!!! It's so fucking offensive and wrong anyway. Plenty of people have coke + popcorn at the cinema. They kind of go together - who would eat a bucket of popcorn without a drink?? A camel?

Even reading that grates on my nerves.

Really you were perfectly entitled to bite his head right off!