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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have snapped at 'date'?

343 replies

Karceys · 16/02/2017 10:15

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

OP posts:
poundinthewood · 16/02/2017 11:31

Controllling and manipulative. Don't forget on the first few dates people are on their best behaviour. Ugh.

S1lentAllTheseYears · 16/02/2017 11:32

Oops, big cross post there, just seen your update Grin

Well, at least you've (hopefully) helped him with what not to say to future girlfriends on a third date!

JacquelineChan · 16/02/2017 11:32

He sounds very irritating , but he could be some other girl's prince charming ! there is someone for everyone and this one is not for you .
I can see him popping up on a future thread here talking about terrible dates lol

BoboChic · 16/02/2017 11:33

You are clearly not made for one another.

stitchglitched · 16/02/2017 11:34

This is a third date. Why would a guy be so nervous by the third date that it rendered them incapable of controlling what they say? Some people really do fall over themselves to defend men's shitty behaviour.

BipBippadotta · 16/02/2017 11:34

He sounds supremely irritating and uptight. Consider this a bullet dodged!

Don't get all this stuff about 'maybe he was nervous'. There's a lot to be nervous about in life - if you turn into an annoying, supercilious twat anytime you're nervous, people will not want to be around you. It's a shame for everyone involved, sure - but we shouldn't have to indulge people who are rude to us just because they might be feeling insecure.

MakingMerry · 16/02/2017 11:36

The food comments would annoy me, and he returned to the theme three times, as PP have said, even though you were very clear on the first occasion that his comments weren't appreciated. So food and money either a big deal for him, or he's bad at picking up social cues, or both.

The Whitby comments I wouldn't mind as much, he was possibly trying to be 'gallant' but they do sound old-fashioned, and in the context of what was said before I can see why it would grate.

I don't think you owe him an apology - you're only on a third date and you're being honest with him - it's not like you're stringing him along for an all-expenses-paid trip to Whitby. The fact that he's apologised suggests perhaps he's socially clumsy rather than deliberately controlling, but you're not obliged to keep seeing a man, or excuse his behaviour, just because he's inept. Cutting your loses now seems best for both of you.

Jjou · 16/02/2017 11:38

We're seriously blaming OP's hormones for the fact this guy was a knob. Ok. It makes it easier for guys to blame any reactions they don't like on our 'hormones' if we do it too. FFS.

BaDumShh · 16/02/2017 11:38

OP, what were the "niggles" on the 2nd date? Can you be more specific as it might throw more light on his character.

Agree that nerves should have abated a lot by 3rd date. 3rd dates are generally when people start relaxing a bit and start to show their true selves.

Aussiemum78 · 16/02/2017 11:38

You aren't hard work op.

If he's making patronising comments already I'd consider it a red flag and he'd be worse to live with. Who the hell comments on what a near stranger eats or spends? Why is he doing that??

I can't believe how many replies say you should suck that up and play nice. What bullshit. You know those guys on the relationship boards started right here?

MrsDustyBusty · 16/02/2017 11:39

We're seriously blaming OP's hormones for the fact this guy was a knob.

I know. It's actually shocking.

Funnyonion17 · 16/02/2017 11:40

This is a third date. Why would a guy be so nervous by the third date that it rendered them incapable of controlling what they say? Some people really do fall over themselves to defend men's shitty behaviour

He could be quite socially awkward or on the spectrum and struggle with dates. Who's defending him?! However what he said was clearly misplaced humour, everybody knows that having a drink and popcorn together isn't greedy. He's a bit odd for saying it, as it's not particularly funny but more awkward then anything. But he hardly called her a big fat bastard and meant it.

Clearly they aren't suited, I personally wouldn't be seeing him again but I don't think he's commited the crime of the century. Some people just don't have proper mental filters, cringey at worst.

Alaia5 · 16/02/2017 11:49

OP - I think you overreacted massively about Whitby Grin
He does sound as if he was being patronising over your choice of cinema snacks. The thing is, for people who don't drink coke, the very thought of it may set their teeth on edge and they may have trouble hiding their horror and disbelief (especially when it comes in the supersize cups you are given in cinemas).
He is entitled to feel a bit shocked, but he should know better than to express this because it's none of his business, as you say. Anyway, it sounds like a bit of a weird date tbh - him not even offering to buy the snacks in the first place and then you sailing off to get your own without asking him if he would like anything. I'd be Hmm on those grounds alone.

DameDeDoubtance · 16/02/2017 11:50

It's not your hormones, he was a knob. I'd move on to be honest, he obviously think he has a right to comment on your personal choices which doesn't bode well for the future.

MrsDustyBusty · 16/02/2017 11:51

He's entitled to be shocked that sometimes an adult drinks coke? I've heard it all now.

Wait till hears that drugs exist.

anxious2017 · 16/02/2017 11:53

He sounds patronising and controlling and I'd have said exactly the same as you.

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick · 16/02/2017 11:54

to be fair dusty, even i'd be shocked at the idea that you could buy drugs at the cinema.

I can think of a fair few films it might have improved though Grin

anxious2017 · 16/02/2017 11:54

"Play your cards right" - fuck right off!

PrincessFiorimonde · 16/02/2017 11:55

You're not unreasonable at all. 'Greedy guts' indeed! What a git he sounds.

I'm amazed at the number of people saying they'd be ok with the Whitby comment. Surely it's just another way of saying 'be a good little girl'. He's not just a git, but a patronising git. And this from a man who's presumably trying to create a good impression? What's he like when he's not on best behaviour?

Willow2016 · 16/02/2017 11:56

I rarely drink coke but at the cinema its a must have to wash down the popcorn and sweets, nothing else will do. If an adult was shocked at me having a small coke then they need to get out more!

blackteasplease · 16/02/2017 11:58

YANBU.

I can't believe some people are saying you sound hard work!

mainlywingingit · 16/02/2017 11:59

YANBU he sounds like a dick.

blackteasplease · 16/02/2017 12:02

But I also think the food comments would annoy me more than the Whitby stuff.

It's basic that you shouldn't comment on what other people are eating, isn't it?

I did think that maybe you should have offered to get something for him while you were there, but perhaps you did and didn't mention it.

Mia1415 · 16/02/2017 12:02

I think I'd have snapped too (probably why I'm very single ha ha). If he is annoying you on a 3rd date then he is not right for you and you should move on in my opinion.

Alaia5 · 16/02/2017 12:02

MrsDusty - To be fair, I actually can't think of any adults I know who would drink straight coke (but then I am 40). People only drink it if there really is absolutely nothing else (e.g. at a vending machine) in high temperatures, or, more commonly, in a small amount as a mixer with run or whiskey.

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