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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have snapped at 'date'?

343 replies

Karceys · 16/02/2017 10:15

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

OP posts:
JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 16/02/2017 10:30

he sounds like a twat. a real twatty cunting twat.
i'm with you on this.

Tigresswoods · 16/02/2017 10:30

YANBU those things would wind me up too I don't need anyone to "take" me anywhere. Had he said "we could go together" that's completely different!

He'd grate on me.

Fidelia · 16/02/2017 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElderDruid · 16/02/2017 10:31

It could be 3rd date it's getting pretty make or break, he's feeling the same way about your second date, so is slightly nervous about this one.

Even if it doesn't go to date 4, you've gone your own way amicably. I can see why he could be texting his mates saying I don't know if it's me or if it's her, but she snapped at me a few times, not sure what to do guys. They've possibly gone man, never question a woman and her food choices. So he's apologised. The Whitby thing I think was a bit Hmm on your part. He could have been trying to see how you thought the date was going.

TotalWhittle · 16/02/2017 10:32

Sounds like he was joking about the popcorn and Coke, and he tried to recover (badly) when you got offended.

The Whitby comment was obviously meant as a flirty joke.

I think you're not necessarily BU but the two of you are clearly not suited to each other.

FinallyHere · 16/02/2017 10:32

Definately no apology needed from you.

If he gets why his approach to commenting on your food choices and suggesting he would reward placatory behaviour, then he might get another chance from me. He might have been nervous and just kicking himself at saying stupid stuff.

I might have a conversation with him, to see if he understands how horrible he has been. Mostly, though, I would say 'next, please'. Life is really too short for this sort of stuff.

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/02/2017 10:33

The popcorn/coke comment sounds annoying, but the Whitby thing sounds like clumsy flirting to me.

KinkyAfro · 16/02/2017 10:33

you sound like hard work why does this always get thrown in? I would have been annoyed with the food comments, he should've quit it but he kept on

witsender · 16/02/2017 10:33

He took the food thing to far,it would have pissed me off mightily and made me feel uncomfortable. Whitby, I can see what he meant but in light of previous comments I can understand your reaction.

If you like him I would reply and say you appreciate the message, it had made you feel quite uncomfortable so you're glad it was crossed wires and take it from there.

TheElephantofSurprise · 16/02/2017 10:34

Your original post and the attitude within it, that's correct.
This chap was 'taking ownership', thinking that on the third date he'd be in control.
You're well out of it.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 16/02/2017 10:36

YANBU. Listen to the niggles. Don't have a 4th date!

EweAreHere · 16/02/2017 10:37

The food thing would have really pissed me off, especially seeing as he didn't stop after the initial comments. He actually came cross and continued to harp on about the sweets and your health?! I'm not sure I would have stayed after that. You're a grown up who makes your own decisions, and he barely knows you to boot!

The Whitby thing, by itself, meh, flirting, awkward flirting. But on top of the food police comments, I'd probably move on.

PlumsGalore · 16/02/2017 10:37

Another one for annoyed about the popcorn but not Whitby. Had he mentioned the Whitby first I don't think it would have triggered a response, but you were already on edge about the popcorn and coke.

So, what were the niggles about date 2 that already made you a bit defensive on date 3?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/02/2017 10:37

Definitely not hormonal and he sounds like a controlling tosser. Run.

scottishdiem · 16/02/2017 10:37

Its clear you are hard work and his ability to speak to you in a way that you find suitable is somewhat limited. Unless he is either able to change who he is or you are able to change who you are I would probably say this relationship is not going to work.

DP and I earn enough each to take ourselves places if we want but we both use a variance of the "if you are lucky, I'll take you there line". For us it is not cause to snap at each other.

Best you find yourself someone with whom you are more compatible really. Perhaps someone with a very different view of food and holidays together. Or maybe only speaks when they are 100% confident you are going to take it in the way they meant it. Nothing he said was controlling or bossy.

Funnyface1 · 16/02/2017 10:38

I'd have been annoyed at the food comments but the rest of it sounds like he was trying to be playful and you weren't in the mood. Sounds like it's not a good fit so just move on.

Willow2016 · 16/02/2017 10:38

Going to the cinema is a treat and I will buy whatever I like!
Who could eat a box of popcorn without a drink anyway?
If you wanted popcorn, sweets and a drink and paying for them yourself what the hell has it to do with him? I dont need the food police when I am out having a nice time.

The Whitby thing was a bit 50/50 probably really crap at flirting and wanted to let you know he would like to be still seeing you in the future. It just came out all wrong cos you were already pissed off at his food remarks.

Maybe have a chat about it if you think its worth going on another date, sometimes it takes a while to be comfortable with someone and just relax and not try to impress them.

Course if the food thing comes up again I would be gone!

BarbarianMum · 16/02/2017 10:39

"I might have a conversation with him to see if he understands how horrible he has been"

Hmm
expatinscotland · 16/02/2017 10:39

Reading some of the replies on this thread, I can see why there are SO many women married to twats on the relationship board. 'Greedy guts' would have been the end to me. 'Jokes' like that are cuntish. He sounds controlling, patronising and bossy. The comments about sweets and your health. C'mon, FUCK OFF! That's not banter and if it is, it's twat banter.

You are not hard work. I've had ex's who started out with 'banter' like this. It doesn't go well.

Second date had niggles. Now this?

You owe this person nothing.

Just text back, 'Thanks, but I feel we're not really suited to each other and need to move on. Wishing you the best of luck. x'

And then you move on.

Jjou · 16/02/2017 10:40

The popcorn/coke comment would have wound me up. And 'greedy guts' would have me seething. It's rude and also nonsensical, which is maddening in itself - who doesn't need a drink after eating loads of popcorn? What business of his is it what you choose to consume?
The Whitby thing was probably just ill-judged flirting, using a well-known phrase. But would've also made me cross, especially after the earlier comments.
Don't apologise!

RhodaBorrocks · 16/02/2017 10:41

I would have been just as pissed off as you OP. Some of the comments you are getting here about being 'hard work' and taking it the wrong way are shocking! His misogyny and the internalised misogyny here is really saddening.

It also crossed my mind he might be negging you too. I've been negged before over my glasses - presented under the guise of "Just friendly advice, but you could look stunning if you got some sexier glasses. You shouldn't just get cheap ones from Specsavers you know. If you're good I'll take you shopping for a nicer pair."

At which point I told him to get stuffed because my glasses are by Prada and I always buy top end because why not when they're something I rely on? And if I can afford to drop £500 on a pair that I like why would I need to be good so that a man could buy me something he likes?

MrsDustyBusty · 16/02/2017 10:41

'I can have a cheat night once in a while, can't I?

Why would you explain yourself to someone who comments about your food? Someone who doesn't even know you? No wonder men think they can get away with this kind of thing.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 16/02/2017 10:41

YANBU. I don't see why you should have to keep quiet and not call him out on remarks like that. It would piss me off too and I would have reacted like you did. In fact, I possibly would have told him to piss off and mind his own business about what I eat, I would certainly do so if DP said that to me

JungleInTheRumble · 16/02/2017 10:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I'd be annoyed by those comments too (especially the food one). And at least you've given him honest feedback!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/02/2017 10:45

He sounds like an over bearing, miserable, tight git who will watch your every mouthful of food & feel free to comment on it.

The Whitby thing, on its own, maybe clumsy flirting, but after the popcorn & coke drama, it just feels like an extension of him thinking you're a little woman who needs to be monitored & rewarded if she's good enough.

I wouldn't see him again.