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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have snapped at 'date'?

343 replies

Karceys · 16/02/2017 10:15

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

OP posts:
ShoutOutToMyEx · 16/02/2017 15:59

Yes, they do often making revolting noises. Ugh. The stench of popcorn, crisps and monosodium glutamate can be overwhelming.

Don't go then, I'm sure no one will care

Violetcharlotte · 16/02/2017 16:01

I'd have been pissed off too.

However my 'controlling bastard' radar is always on high alert after some bad experiences!

scottishdiem · 16/02/2017 17:27

"Right so women say that kind of stuff to men on a date / in relationships?"

Yes.....

also - 'that gadget thing you like' and once even 'that t-shirt you like' (it was liked on Facebook).

But then when two people who are compatible date this is not seen as a controlling action. The OP and the date are not compatible because the date is operating in a different place to the OP so the communication is failing badly.

RhiWrites · 16/02/2017 17:43

It seems pretty joyless to me to go to the cinema and not get Coke and popcorn. Calling it slurping and chomping just compounds the joylessness.

OP, leave this man for the women here who think his comments are "banter" and you are "silly" and look out for one with a more equitable viewpoint.

OliviaStabler · 16/02/2017 17:45

I'd have binned him after the 'greedy guts' comment. He hardly knows you yet tells you you are greedy and sounds tight with his money from that comment. Yuk!

Fighterofthenightman · 16/02/2017 17:55

I know MN is a mostly female forum but the endless analysis of the behaviour of men that posters barely know is depressing.

If he pissed you off, don't see him again. It's that simple.

Dieu · 16/02/2017 18:03

YANBU. And aside from the annoying comments, he's a tightwad. THE most unattractive quality.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 16/02/2017 18:26

I know MN is a mostly female forum but the endless analysis of the behaviour of men that posters barely know is depressing.

Its not endless analysis of his behaviour. Its the majority reassuring OP that she isn't a moody hormonal cow to have been bothered by what he said, plus a debate between us, and a few others who think she was being "hard work".
If it seems like a minor event in the grand scheme of things, it was. However, as pp have pointed out, and as all the "aw give him another chance" posters have illustrated, women are continually expected to accept little put downs and explain away behaviour towards them that diminishes them.
But yes, women do tend to discuss things, examine meaning and worry that we have trusted our gut feelings, seek reassurance from other women etc.
If you don't like it, there is always the other 99.9 %of the internet.
It's that way>>>>>>>>>>>>>

TheNaze73 · 16/02/2017 18:26

Most people wouldn't ask you for date #4. You sound like hard work

BaconMaker · 16/02/2017 18:32

Most people wouldn't ask you for date #4. You sound like hard work

Well those people wouldn't be compatible with OP (or lots of us who would find this guy irritating so that would be win-win - saves the hassle of turning him down)
I'm confused by this I never have to work hard not to make dickish comments about what people are eating.

beautiebyqueenie · 16/02/2017 18:42

That would annoy me soooo much!!!

RubbishMantra · 16/02/2017 18:56

Please text him - I'm aiming HIGHER! \o/

Lilacpink40 · 16/02/2017 20:00

I agree wholeheartedly with unexplained

Also agree with another poster that even the apology showed gaslighting.

Please come back and tell us that you're not meeting him again?

There are regular men out there who will not be 'innocently' judgmental. Don't doubt yourself.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2017 20:10

How is the apology gaslighting 🤔 Your not compatible, the food comments would have been a no no, but the others ok. I would not date further with him. Just say thanks for the apology, but no it's not going to work, sorry.

Realitea · 16/02/2017 20:15

If his humour is getting on your nerves now, nip it in the bud and tell him it's not working out.
Maybe you're just too different?

Buxtonstill · 16/02/2017 20:17

You have had a lucky escape...

sofato5miles · 16/02/2017 20:20

I would have dumped you for getting popcorn and a coke. Seriously, who drinks coke anymore?

Japonicathehorseygirl · 16/02/2017 20:25

Run for the hills

Lilacpink40 · 16/02/2017 20:37

"Who drinks coke anymore?" 😂😂

Ordinarily · 16/02/2017 20:50

What's wrong with being "hard work"? If making an effort to be considerate is "hard work" then I'm all for it.

MakingMerry · 16/02/2017 20:53

Well, it's the world's most popular soft drink, sofa: 1,800,000,000 bottles sold a day, so I'm guessing quite a few people still drink it. Billions, even.

KatieScarlett · 16/02/2017 20:56

I would have gone for the snacks and kept on walking.
Even if he misspoke originally, he should have known from your reaction not to keep it up.

Lelloteddy · 16/02/2017 20:57

You aren't compatible.
Just move on already.

haveacupoftea · 16/02/2017 21:02

Urgh its a bit soon for that kind of humour. Give him another chance if youre really keen but I cant see it working out if he is going to be like that.

Ordinarily · 16/02/2017 21:05

Even if he misspoke originally, he should have known from your reaction not to keep it up.

Yes, exactly. If it was a one-time slip then fair enough, but to come out with so many put-downs along similar lines during one date? It isn't over-analysing or "projecting" to notice a pattern and decide it's not looking good, it's just common sense.