To have snapped at 'date'?

[Karceys]

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

"He sounds very nice." No, he really doesn't.

"Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". "
Yuk. Play your cards right? With him as the arbiter of what is right? Plus theres a whole undertone of a relationship being subject to strategy.

I'd bin him. TBH I'd have binned him with his 'greedy guts' comment. He simply does not see you as an equal.

No she doesn't have to see him again, I just though she came across as rude in some parts to him. Mabey that popcorn comment got her back up a bit. If she liked him otherwise, to give him another chance, but doesent sound like they clicked, so move on!

People who are saying that they/their DPs might say: "Play your cards right and ..." to each other are talking about teasing/joking within the context of a relationship.

That's quite different from an almost-stranger coming out with the same words - especially someone who's already commented disapprovingly THREE times on what you're eating and drinking.

"Play your cards right and I might...." Was a favourite line trotted out my Dad along with "if you keep your nose clean..."

He used it on my Mum for years as a way of getting her to do what he wanted and started the same shit on me once I was old enough to have my own mind.

He would also say he was joking on the few occasions I said that as an adult woman I don't need to do what he wants me to do in order to get a, b or c, he'd be very offended as he was only joking. If he was joking he'd have apologised and the fact he was annoyed implied he actually thought he should be able to control what I wear, what I eat, having alcohol etc. Interestingly, he never ever made the same "jokes" to his adult son.

I look back after his death and see Dad was controlling in many other ways, usually hiding behind jokes. DH was gobsmacked when the first time he met my Dad he used the "play your cards right" line on me when I said I'd like a glass of wine like him and dh, instead of pop. He was like "hahahaha dd, if you play your cards right this nice bloke might stick around"

The comments on food are shitty too, it's never a good idea to take the piss out of anyone's food intake unless you really know them inside out and know for certain they'll find it funny, date three isn't that time.

I know people are saying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if your doing that by date three when he's likely on his best behaviour, it doesn't look good long term wise.

The Whitby thing IMO was harmless, the food comments though we're well out of order. I would have told him to fuck off the minute he called me greedy guts. Agree with the posters above who say he was starting to show his true colours - bin him and don't look back!

The food thing would have massively pissed me off. I would have been on edge after that.

The Whitby is thing is something normal people say, but if say to me by someone who had been critical / controlling earlier in the evening I'd have been rolling my eyes at it too.

Move on OP. 3rd date and you're coming on hear to ask about it - you don't like him. Don't bother telling him off via text, what's the point. Cut him lose and keep looking.

"popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other"

It's like those guesthouses of (hopefully) bygone days, where you could have either fruit juice, or cereal, not both.

Get rid. You're obviously not suited.
I think the greedy guts comment was rude. A trip to the cinema is supposed to be a treat and if you want to have a drink and popcorn then you can. He has no business making comments like that. Then he starts complaining about it being too expensive - great, sounds like a right charmer. It won't be just popcorn and drinks that are too expensive - he won't want to spend money on anything. Tight bastard.
It shows a mismatch between your spending habits - so the entire discussion of whether he was joking/nervous/a big knob is really irrelevant. You don't mind spending money on treats - he moans about everything being expensive.
The Whitby comment was less obnoxious I feel. He probably was trying to flirt - not sure that he meant it as "be a good little woman and I'll take you to Whitby". However, I'm not surprised you reacted as you did as he had clearly been getting on your nerves with the previous comments.
Move on - I don't think he's right for you. You had niggles on the 2nd date as well. Trust your gut.

Right on keyboard now.

OP, I feel your pain! only about 9 days ago I went out for a long lunch with a man who grew up around the corner from me (but we've both been away). We got on easily, had lunch in a nice pub, had a laugh, caught up... the chat was easy and we were laughing, but I felt irrationally annoyed when he referred to porn like it was corrie, ykwim?

I said that not all men were ardent porn viewers. (At least one x of mine was not). He reacted as though I was a naive and a prude. I said if that's what you want to think, then yes. It turned me off a bit. However I still went on a second date a few days later and this time we had a full blown argument, turned out that he believed in the myth of {paraphrasing} the happy hooker. This was based on the three prostitutes he's had in the back of his taxi. He is a taxi driver and I said well, 100% of the three ''happy'' prostitutes you've had in the back of your taxi doesn't prove that some prostitutes are happy. He couldn't understand that. He argued it was nice they had the choice. I argued that heroin addicts choose heroin. ARGH

It wasn't just that he disagreed with me per se, I'm not that fragile! it was that he didn't understand his arguments were so flawed. BUT we'd had a good time and it was only an exchange of views, right (?), so I told him we were really incompatible romanticly and we I didn't see us being more than friends. A few days later, warily, pressured, and having told him I only wanted to be his friend, I went for a third brunch 'date'. It was alright but he started crying. The woman he'd left his wife for died. I could understand why he was upset. But he commended me on my work ethic and said his xw (with 4 children) hadn't worked. I said ''she had four children and saved you a fortune in childcare'' It also turned out that she childminded another child but he viewed her as somebody who "didn't work". I gently corrected this misunderstanding. He also revealed that he lets himself in to her home with a key. His children live there but I told him I thought that was a violation of her privacy. He might be named on the mortgage but it's her home. So we disagreed about that too. I was wrecked at this stage. I left thinking beam me up Scottie. Later he texted me to ask how I was, I showed sympathy by whatsapp and he told me that he was offended that I'd compared him to my abusive x. I had not made any such comparison. I barely mentioned my x. However, when we were chatting days before he'd said his miers briggs type was ISTP and I said laughingly ''my x was ISTP''.

He started going on about how he was ''offended and nothing like my x'' and I said nobody was making that comparison except himself, that he was choosing to be offended. He went on that he was not abusive blah blah blah. I was thinking to myself, and yet the last time somebody gave something completely innocent I've said a completely different and Negative meaning and then made me explain myself to sooth their ego, it was my X! Argh. TRUST YOUR GUT.

I shouldn't have gone on a 2nd date with that guy. He is stoopid enough to think that I won't go out with him because he is ISTP. I did say that my x's 'type' was not connected to his abuse. ARGH I was emotionally exhausted after three dates.

Luckily then I went on a date with a separated-five-minutes vegan who lives miles from me and we had mushroom strogonoff, 5 cosmos, got pissed and had a laugh. Will never see him again but it was a laugh.

I've high hopes for a man i'm going to meet on Saturday.

unexplained and implying that women who think something genuinely is banter or a joke are in some way deluded , downtrodden and would put up with crap from anyone (men or women) is the height of patronising behaviour. Misogyny? Oh stop being so silly.

Wow, you managed to be both patronising and misogynistic there

Either way, if he's annoying you this much on the second and third meet up, it's not going to work.

The comments about your food intake were rude. The Witby comment was off. I don't care if other, long established couples do it. What is OK between people who know each other well is different. What is OK for you may be different. And actually even if it's different, it doesn't mean it's right.

You're well rid, OP. Nothing to do with hormones or being difficult. At best you two are incompatible. And with him, well without meeting him I can't tell if he's just imbibed a load of patriarchal wank about women's roles or he is an out and out sexist shithead. Either way, he's not yours to fix.

You are right!!!

I think whether or not you were snappy is irrelevant - if you didn't like it, he's not the one for you.

I would have been irritated by the popcorn and coke comment, and would have made some sort of sarcastic 'oooo thanks' noise about Whitby. And not bothered with a 4th date.

Was he making a comment about your weight, in effect, when he commented on both popcorn and Coke?

WhereYouLeftIt you've articulated what I was thinking about the Whitby thing, couldn't exactly think why it made me think it was yuk but that's it!

Why do people chomp and slurp in the cinema, anyway? It annoys me.

'Why do people chomp and slurp in the cinema, anyway?'

They don't. They eat and drink.

It would have pissed me off too. No crossed wires, I think he made himself perfectly clear.

I probably wouldn't have told him the stuff about if he needed someone to control etc though - I'd have just politely declined another date. You're obviously less of a chicken than me

expatinscotland

'Why do people chomp and slurp in the cinema, anyway?'

They don't. They eat and drink.

Yes, they do often making revolting noises. Ugh. The stench of popcorn, crisps and monosodium glutamate can be overwhelming.

Yes, they do, often making revolting noises.

The greedy guts comment was unacceptable to say the least.....I can't bear those who are arrogant enough to comment on other people's food intake . I can completely understand that that comment made you hyper aware of his comments later

You are well rid op .....the "you've been taking me wrong all night" hints athe gaslighting

I genuinely don't think you were being sensitive but picking up on something off about him

Well said Unexplained