Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have snapped at 'date'?

343 replies

Karceys · 16/02/2017 10:15

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

OP posts:
LancsHotpot · 16/02/2017 12:57

He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

Wow. Just wow. Surprised he didn't use the word "feminist" as an insult too.

onesizefitsonesize · 16/02/2017 12:57

In his shoes I'd have taken your behaviour as a an early warning of things to come and moved on. Quite right, Dave, if the same things happen to you please do so. Smile

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 16/02/2017 12:58

"Actually the content of his whitby statement was "do as you're told and you might get a reward, little woman, because I'm in control of where we go, even though we're not actually together yet and might never be, and I hold the power.""

How much 'feminist literature' do you need to read to leap to a conclusion like that?

None. I'm very much a feminist, but I haven't read a load of books on it - haven't had time. Feminism means gender equality. Many men want to assert power over women, they do it in various ways, and I object to it because that's not equality. Yes, I have discussed feminism on here and with friends and I've seen a huge pile of evidence of this behaviour in relationships, on here and in RL. Over time, and because of my own ex's behaviour, I've gained a better understanding of it. I know that if/when I start dating again, I'll see this type of thing as a red flag.

Sneering at me for my assessment of the situation, and for reading "feminist literature", instead of offering your own coherent argument, is not very convincing.

PollyPerky · 16/02/2017 12:58

There are other ways to look at this. If he's really into healthy eating, and a date isn't, that's something they don't have in common. It's incompatibility like one smokes the other doesn't, one exercises, the other's a couch potato.
This is just my 'thing' but I detest coke and always look a bit Shock at people who can drink it. So maybe he feels like that?

But I think you over reacted. You could have just said 'Yep, treat night tonight..want some?'

Same for Whitby. It's what people say FGS!

Of course you can get there yourself, just as you can get yourself anywhere or treat yourself for dinner at the Ritz or whatever....
but you were churlish to snap at him. It was a light flirty comment and you threw it back, justifying yourself as a Modern Woman- a bit up your own.

melj1213 · 16/02/2017 13:01

Actually the content of his whitby statement was "do as you're told and you might get a reward, little woman, because I'm in control of where we go, even though we're not actually together yet and might never be, and I hold the power."

No it wasn't. You are taking a fairly commonly used phrase and putting negative intent to it and acting like it's fact.

The content of his Whitby statement was "Play your cards right and I might take you there in the summer"

You have interpreted it as a controlling statement, that doesn't make it fact.

I interpret it as "If we're still together by the summer then things are probably going well between us, so we might be at the stage of a relationship where I could treat you to a trip away and it be a totally appropriate action/'gift' for that point in the relationship"

It negates that: she can go where she likes, she can decide whether to be with him, she can afford her own trip to whitby, she owes him nothing.

Nobody is saying otherwise but JFC if I was dating someone and said "If you play your cards right I might do X" and they psychoanalysed it to the point where it is a controlling/overbearing/inherantly sinister statement rather than an innocent comment, using a well known phrase.

The guy may be a total dick and not someone the OP wants to continue dating but to make such giant leaps over a phrase, which in my experience, is used commonly and with no malice or controlling intended, is OTT.

onesizefitsonesize · 16/02/2017 13:01

It was a light flirty comment

...Nah.

AntiHop · 16/02/2017 13:04

Yanbu. All those comments would seriously annoy me and give me enough reason not to have another date.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 16/02/2017 13:05

Same for Whitby. It's what people say FGS!

Right so women say that kind of stuff to men on a date / in relationships?

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 16/02/2017 13:10

Grin at Cherrys insane justifications.

Maybe he used to have a girlfriend who would fly into rages after reading to much Feminist Literature and throw popcorn at him, while recklessly glugging actual dirty Coke while burning her bra and screaming "death to the patriarchy!)
Maybe.

Blackbirdonawire · 16/02/2017 13:12

Greedy guts was a bit rude. It's name calling really.

The Whitby thing, ffs some of you are wound so tightly I'm amazed you can function. Unclench, seriously. It's a jokey thing people say to one another. Yes, I would say it to a man on a date. If he called me 'controlling' because of it I would think he was a complete loon and that I'd had a lucky escape.

TheEdgeofSeventeen · 16/02/2017 13:13

The popcorn AND coke thing sounds a little rude but the rest of it sounds like you're uptight and can't take a joke - poor man probably feels like he can't open his bloody mouth anymore. YABU

Ordinarily · 16/02/2017 13:14

No it wasn't. You are taking a fairly commonly used phrase and putting negative intent to it and acting like it's fact.

Most statements on this thread are given as fact. Obviously they are opinions which may differ with one another, but no-one wants to clutter up the thread with "this is my opinion" on every post.

I don't think there was conscious "negative intent" but what is unsaid can speak volumes. If he'd said if "we" play "our" cards right that would have come across differently. I also don't agree it's a commonly used phrase and have only heard it once in my life (thankfully).

mistermagpie · 16/02/2017 13:18

I can't believe there are grwon-ups on here that are shocked by an adult choosing to drink coke at the cinema. I don't like coke myself but it doesn't 'shock' me or make me pull a face when I see people drinking it. Some of you need to get out more.

Cherryskypie · 16/02/2017 13:18

I was trying to cover any areas the apologists might have missed Grin

PushingThru · 16/02/2017 13:19

He sounds controlling, insensitive, boring and stingy with money.

teraculum29 · 16/02/2017 13:20

Dear Op,

Listen to your guts.

EighthElement · 16/02/2017 13:21

.

PushingThru · 16/02/2017 13:22

Don't listen to the people saying you 'over' reacted. You reacted because you are completely incompatible with this person. Lots of women have rock bottom standards in men as a quick glance in the relationships board can attest. You don't owe him anything.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2017 13:23

You're on form, Cherry. Remember, it's probably that he's 'on the spectrum' (this one really fucks me off as my son is autistic, it doesn't make him a twat), he's probably depressed and she needs to get him the GP, he has anxiety, blah blah blah. I'd like to go to Whitby now with the OP. We'll eat hotdogs and drink 'straight' coke with a fuckload of rum in it.

EighthElement · 16/02/2017 13:24

Lol at "it's whitby, not the moon".

I recently had a row on a date OP!!
Ill tell you later. It requires a keyboa4d

Trainspotting1984 · 16/02/2017 13:25

You don't sound suited at all. You both sound really spiky and ready to strike at comments you don't like. You particularly were just wiping the floor with him and what was the point? If it was that bad you should've just left. It was only a date, you don't need to try and win arguments with him. Just put it down to being mismatched and forget about it

pigeondujour · 16/02/2017 13:29

He sounds like an absolute cringey div as well as at least a bit misogynistic. Third date chat is supposed to be your ABSOLUTE BEST chat. "Ooh, play your cards right" about fucking Whitby is just total dead air conversation.

CurlsandCurves · 16/02/2017 13:29

Re the Whitby statement. I took it as a bit of banter and probably would've responded with 'ooh you know how to treat a girl don't you!'

I hardly think on a third date anoyone would be thinking right how can I exert my control over this person.

AutumnalLeafs · 16/02/2017 13:29

All too often when a woman is described as "hard work" that just means she doesn't take crap lying down.

It's also in the classes of phrases rarely applied to men. Cf:

high maintenance
bubbly
feisty
bossy
nag

If a man said "I didn't want to be spoken to like that", he would be seen as reasonable and assertive, not "hard work".

HandbagCrab · 16/02/2017 13:29

I didn't realise so many people were shocked and appalled by an adult buying themselves the most recognisable soft drink in the world. Buying a coke is worse than calling someone you don't know a greedy guts! Bonkers.