Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 12 13 14

Original poster

To have snapped at 'date'?

343 replies

Karceys · 16/02/2017 10:15

So 3rd date on Tuesday.

First date was fine. Second date there was a couple of niggles but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Third date - Tuesday I snapped at him and not sure whether I should feel guilty or not!

First thing was we were in the cinema and after sorting tickets out I told him I was popping across to the snacks counter as I fancied popcorn and a coke. He then acted shocked and said "popcorn AND coke? Should be one or the other greedy guts!" and smiled. 😳 So I said "umm no, I want both, sorry!" And went off to but what I wanted but I was livid. How patronising!! He then came across and said "I'm surprised you're getting both, they cost a fortune!" So I said "yes but I can afford it. It's not like I do it every night is it!" So he said "well i wouldn't spend so much on sweets, you have to think of your health too ... " 😲😲😲 I replied that my health was fine and I don't need monitoring thanks - he apologised and said he meant nothing by it so I said "well you're coming across a little rude and bossy." He apologised again and I told him it was fine and we went on to see the film.

Afterwards we went for a drink. During chat I mentioned that I love Whitby so he said "well, play your cards right and I might take you there in summer!". By this point I was already on a hair trigger so (and this is where I feel a bit guilty!) I laughed and said "I don't need to play my cards right with anyone! If I want to go somewhere I'll go!". He then made a "oooo!" And laughed.

I then told him that he'd come across as being rather controlling and bossy all evening and if he was looking for someone who would obey he was looking at the wrong person. He said it wasn't like that at all and I'd been taking him the wrong way all night.

He sent a text saying we'd obviously suffered crossed wires all night and he was genuinely sorry if he'd caused offence.

I AM very hormonal at the moment and probably find offence in a bloody Disney film so was I put of order?? Do I owe HIM an apology?

OP posts:

CurlsandCurves · 16/02/2017 13:30

Clash of personalities, he's not your type.

Cherryskypie · 16/02/2017 13:31

Sometimes an arsehole is just an arsehole.

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/02/2017 13:36

I'd take the Whitby comment as clumsy flirting, even the most sexist of men in this country generally understand a woman can travel where she likes.

But the food policing, who needs that? it makes him sound like hard work, not you. A lot of women participate in it as well though. I've known plenty of women from my teens to my forties who will eat before going on a date so that they can just pick at a salad and look 'ladylike'.

GetAHaircutCarl · 16/02/2017 13:37

Is a man who comments repeatedly on the food and drink choices of his date, anyone's type?

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 16/02/2017 13:38

Maybe he used to have a girlfriend who would fly into rages after reading to much Feminist Literature and throw popcorn at him, while recklessly glugging actual dirty Coke while burning her bra and screaming "death to the patriarchy!)
Maybe.

I howled at this! Yes, OP, I bet it was a dirty Coke and not even Coke Zero you ordered. Reckless behaviour.

abbrev · 16/02/2017 13:40

UnexplainedOnHerCollar

Sneering at me for my assessment of the situation, and for reading "feminist literature", instead of offering your own coherent argument, is not very convincing.

A coherent argument as to why you are wrong or why I disagree with the OP?

soooooomoody · 16/02/2017 13:42

He sounds like a total knob and I'm moody too

melj1213 · 16/02/2017 13:42

Right so women say that kind of stuff to men on a date / in relationships?

Yes, I have in the past, is it really so uncommon?

My ex used to love a certain (expensive) brand of chocolate, whenever I went away for the weekend he'd often ask me about bringing some back (we live in a tiny rural town), "Play your cards right and you might be in for a treat when I get home" was a standard answer he got ... whether that meant he got his chocolate, or something else, well

AutumnalLeafs · 16/02/2017 13:42

Sometimes an arsehole is just an arsehole.

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

PollyPerky · 16/02/2017 13:49

Same for Whitby. It's what people say FGS!

Right so women say that kind of stuff to men on a date / in relationships?

Yes! Some posters here are so sanctimonious they are going to disappear up their own arses.

If you can't imagine a woman saying that kind of thing to a man, it just shows how you are stuck in the mindset of men are controlling patronising bastards, and women are 'little wimmin' who are victims.

I'd say something like that to a man; if he mentioned somewhere he liked, I'd say as a joke 'play your cards right...'

It would be a joke. God, serious lack of sense of humour here today.

I think it was very bad manners to police the food /drink. But at the same time the OP was defensive. He's just got the tone wrong. Often when people are nervous they make stupid jokes which come out all wrong. Depends what he's like underneath the banter.

Pannnn · 16/02/2017 13:50

He does sound a bit socially unskilled and not realising it's the 21st century already. No need for health/finance/Whitby monitoring stuff.

I'm pretty sure you need to avoid him.

LilyRose16 · 16/02/2017 13:50

I personally think you were rude for not asking if he'd like anything from the snack counter while you were going there!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2017 13:59

Apart from the popcorn thing, you were very rude to him. He was offering to take you to that play, the term he used was rather jokey. he sounds very nice. I guess another one bites the dust.

DameDeDoubtance · 16/02/2017 14:01

He doesn't sound at all nice. Bloody hell, the world just doesn't like women who don't put up with bollocks.

BonnyScotland · 16/02/2017 14:02

he sounds kinda annoying lol

user1484750550 · 16/02/2017 14:02

Comments on what someone eats are incredibly rude and inappropriate. Many people have eating disorders and find it hard to eat in public anyway, without folk commenting! I would give him a couple of times of saying it, and then I would call him out and say 'can you not comment on my eating please? It makes me feel uncomfortable.'

I think you were over techy (with the Whitby comment,) but I can understand it. Give him a few more chances though; he was probably being just bantery and flirty, but cocking it up. When I was around 18 or so, some bloke thought it was cute and flirty to say I had a fat arse, and a pot belly (I was 9 stone!)

Basically this bloke (who was 21-ish,) kept making comments about my belly and arse, and when I told a colleague 'dave' was upsetting me, she said 'dave?? He fancies you rotten, never stops talking about you!' So this was 'dave's' way of flirting. As it happened I didn't fancy him, and told him so (discreetly when he was on his own.')

But yeah, so some men aren't great at the flirting and do say inappropriate things!

As I said, give him a few more chances if you like him!

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 16/02/2017 14:04

Having a go at people for not having a sense of humour because they don't like "joke" or "banter" that belittles or patronises them, is so typical and one of the ways women have been put in their place for decades over this sort of crap.

Newsflash, lots of people who don't like being patronised and treated rudely actually still have a sense of humour. They just don't let crappy misogyny pass for a joke so as not to seem like "hard work".

But basically some people are not going to understand the POV that this is misogyny, or get the concept of having internalised misogyny. They wouldn't take exception to this man's charming jokes.... and so they are free to plough on with relationships with men like that. OP is still IMO better off ditching his pathetic arse and dodging a bullet.

PollyPerky · 16/02/2017 14:05

Surely it's impossible to tell what he is like based on these 2 instances?

He may have been nervous and guys often say silly things when they are on a date and nervous.

How old is he?

OP I think the important thing is, do you fancy him, do you things in common, is he a good listener, does he appear caring, ...and a load more.

If he really think that popcorn and coke are being greedy and he lives on kale smoothies and fresh air, you are probably not going to get along. But we really can't tell from what you've said here.

BeMorePanda · 16/02/2017 14:05

OP YANBU.

he sounds like a jerk. The food thing - massive RED FLAG.

I'm not sure I think the Whitby thing indicates he is "controlling" but it screams to me he is looking for a "good little lady he can shower with his blessings when it suits him and lie back and bask in the glow of his awesomeness." Going by this thread, they still exist and he might find on one day id he keeps looking.

I had to google NEGGING - holy fucking cuntbollocks - what a bunch of dickheads out there in the world.

Also OP - don't blame your hormones. Think of them as enhancing your "dickhead radar" - they give you superpowers to detect twattiness that you might otherwise overlook/think not important to you detriment. They are a gift, not a curse.

daisychain01 · 16/02/2017 14:06

None, I wouldn't cut him any slack.

He sounds a complete jerk.

Ditch. Move on sharpish.

PollyPerky · 16/02/2017 14:08

unexplained and implying that women who think something genuinely is banter or a joke are in some way deluded , downtrodden and would put up with crap from anyone (men or women) is the height of patronising behaviour. Misogyny? Oh stop being so silly.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2017 14:16

What if a woman had said to a man, 'play your cards right I might treat you to dinner! It's a bit of banter, a lot of projecting, and analysing going on here! Yes the man might have been nervous, and trying to make light of it. I woukd have given him a chance, if after a few dates he was annoying or whatever, call an end to it!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2017 14:18

I've said to my dh, play your cards right and I'll make you a cup of tea. It's a bit of lighthearted banter. He was trying to be nice about the Witby thing. The popcorn would gave annoyed me, and red flags woukd have been flying.

MrsDustyBusty · 16/02/2017 14:19

You're seriously suggesting that she should go out with someone that she doesn't want to go out with again? In case they're less annoying at some point in the future? Why should she? It's only three dates, she doesn't owe him any more of her time.

user1484750550 · 16/02/2017 14:20

If a man said "I didn't want to be spoken to like that", he would be seen as reasonable and assertive, not "hard work".

Very true 'autumnal leafs'

Like if a woman is ambitious and vocal in the workplace, she is classed as a gobby bitch, but a man is classed as assertive and go-getting.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 12 13 14