Birthday party one

[puppysurprise]

So my LO is 4 this month. Party booked and invites all gone out. I've gotten several rsvps saying thanks for invite - - - would love to attend thank you. With the invited child and both parents names! Really?! Both parents? It's a children's party why on earth would both parents attend? It's limited spaces at the venue and I don't know what to do if it's full of mainly adults?

I just don't understand why you'd both want to go is it just me is this really odd? Surely a free Saturday afternoon to sleep / work / watch tv that's not CBeebies is welcome?

It's 15 kids 28 adults right now. Grandparents also invited.

Christ, both parties DD has been invited to from nursery me and DP have both gone, have we committed a huge party no no?!

Well to be honest, both those 2 times neither of us wanted to go so as a compromise we both went. And it was a soft play party so we weren't expecting to be fed, just to be dragged around by DD who still doesn't like going into soft play without a chaperone!

I'd never disparage any family for wanting to do things together; quite the opposite. But, as a pp said, a child's party is an invitation for your child to do things with other children in his/her class - it is therefore not an opportunity for families to "connect and do things together". Neither, by the same logic, is your office party. The difference with children is that they need to be taken and collected and, if they are very small, to be adequately supervised while they are there. If your family time is scarce or difficult to arrange, then it's absolutely fair enough to decline a few of these parties in the interest of doing something together. But I think it's odd - and, yes, even a bit rude sometimes - to mix the two things together.

Jumble -I don't think it's a faux pas we've both been to the parties that's dds been invited to mainly because I don't drive and where it's been in a church hall etc Weve pitched in and helped the hosts tidy/made rounds of coffees etc

Blimey what's wrong with reading? You asked for a hobby you could possibly do for an hour or two on a Saturday while your oh is out at the party

Nicpem phew! Glad we're not the only ones

jumble- 😂. me and my dh LOVE childrens parties though and look forward to seeing dd play with her friends and have a lovely time.

Also as dds circle is widening with pre school and clubs is a good opportunity for us to meet new parents and put a face to the name of dds friends as we both work in the week and miss pick up and drop off

Jumble -I don't think it's a faux pas we've both been to the parties that's dds been invited to mainly because I don't drive and where it's been in a church hall etc Weve pitched in and helped the hosts tidy/made rounds of coffees etc

Now - that's different and totally fair enough. Your logistics mean it is better for you both to go and, while you are there, you facilitate the children having fun at the party by helping the host. It's the "oh, it's such a great opportunity to network" that I find a bit - well, inappropriate - sometimes. Little Charlie is having a party to celebrate his birthday. The focus should therefore be on little Charlie having fun with his friends. Sadly, when you get groups of parents all desperate to "get to know each other" it piles pressure on little Charlie's mum and dad to make endless coffee and pass round food for the adults. I've also been to parties where you can scarcely hear the entertainer or the music for the games for the sound of keen dads at the back loudly showing off about their new mountain bikes or whatever. It can actually detract from the kids having fun.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying this universally; indeed, I've had parties where I've explicitly asked both parents in a "come and have a drink and we can make an afternoon of it" sort of way. But that was our choice. I would never assume that that was the format unless we were both explicitly invited as "the Osipovas", if you see what I mean.

Natalia- I don't think the host parents should have to facilitate the guests parents having a nice time and where they can the guest parents should pitch in and not sit on their backsides waiting to be entertained.

Where help isn't needed we offer to buy the host a coffee as a thanks for having us

Nicpem You may not feel that you should be entertained...but, realistically, the host probably will. It's basic hospitality to offer someone who comes to your house (read church hall or whatever for this as well) a cup of tea. But making cups of tea for 30 takes time....and is a bit of a fag. (When we used to get this at DD's parties, I got wine in - much to DH's annoyance- because it's a bloody sight easier than taking endless coffee orders (milk? Sugar? You prefer tea?).

Plus - and I'm not trying to be goady because I fully accept your intentions are good - another child's birthday is not intended as an opportunity for you to meet people. If you wish to do that, you should host a party! Take it a step further out. "Oh - we've been invited to Bob and Mary's wedding. It's a good opportunity to meet new people who might be useful business connections"? That would be rightly frowned upon as the focus is on celebrating the marriage of Bob and Mary. Your DD has been invited to little Charlie's party? It's an opportunity for her to join with her friends in celebrating the birthday of Charlie.

I'm not saying you're committing a massive faux pas....I'm just saying it is always worth thinking about whether you are actually welcome in any given scenario!

Oh my - no wonder the divorce rate is so high when so many in our society are happy to shame and disparage families who connect and do things together

Again... the party invite is for your CHILD, not the whole family, so unless your child is spending every minute of every weekend attending parties then your statement is totally ridiculous!

Natalia- I think I may have badly worded my reply. I don't think the host should make endless teas and coffees that's why I offer to 😊

We do check it's ok that 2 people to accompany dd and have yet to be told no if it's a problem dh is prepared to work outside the venue in his car on the laptop.

We a

I have never really encountered 2 coming. We have 4 dcs & eldest is 15, youngest 4, so that is a lot of parties over the years. IME the 2 parents coming thing is often with PFB's. There's no need, neither is it a particularly fun way to have family time, because the child generally is just off running around with friends, not seen for about 2h.

Calm down book, I am only observing a correlation.

Op made the faux pas (by not being clear in the invite) because she is inexperienced in kids parties - but like we all have to, she will learn how to pull together a party for her dc that she is happy and not stressed with.

Nicpem No - in all fairness, I badly worded mine, because you said that you'd buy a coffee in a soft play centre. And it is a bit different if your child is invited to, say, a soft play party. Then you're both turning up to a public place with all sorts of other people who have nothing to do with the birthday child and sorting yourselves out. But it's a bit different if you are going to someone's house or to a venue that they have hired instead of having people to their house (village hall or whatever).

Plus - people you know well may enjoy your company. Some people may appreciate an extra pair of hands. All good in that case! I'm just saying I would think about it on a case by case basis rather than making the assumption that "it's good for us so it's not a problem". I know one family who always turn up - with both children - to every party either child is invited to. They think this is a great way to do it. But I know for a fact that not everyone else agrees with them, as I have heard some mildly disparaging comments from a range of other people. Nobody would ever tell them this, though!

I've got the opposite problem, lots of people wanting to drop and run at a massive venue with hundreds of other people in it.

I think it's awfully rude to drop your 5 yo to a party and run, unless really told specifically otherwise. I wouldn't leave my child with a complete stranger, but I would not be impressed if parents drop their child and expect the host to take care of the group and babysit the child at the same time. Hosts have other things to do than showing where the toilets are, deal with meltdowns and making sure he doesn't escape somewhere.

I am glad both parents attend parties around here. Why does it bother you? Unless they sit at the table, eat all the kids food and demand a party bag, it does not spoil the party.

Unless it is a farm type invitation, parents here do not confirm THEIR attendance, they only confirm if the child is coming. One mum came with her parents who were visiting the other day, they only come to the UK every couple of years for a short time, and wanted to see their grand kid play at the party. No one raised an eyebrow, it was kind of them to come.

it's not the same if you bring more children, because they are not catered for.

I think it's awfully rude to drop your 5 yo to a party and run, unless really told specifically otherwise

Completely agree! The host has enough to do and is not your babysitter. But this is a wholly different point. If my 5 year old is invited to a party, one of us takes her and the other one does something else with our 7 year old. We do not assume it's a family event.

I am glad both parents attend parties around here. Why does it bother you?

Because - depending on the circumstances/venue - it changes the nature and focus of the event. It no longer becomes a celebration of little Charlie's birthday but turns into an en masse networking event. As I've said upthread, on occasions I've seen entertainers have to ask parents to stop talking as the kids can't hear. If it's in your house, you feel obliged to offer - at the very least - drinks to all these people. The thought of 60 adults in your house possibly drives you away from having a party at home and into a venue, thus driving up the cost. And so on and so on. There are all sorts of reasons why it may not be appropriate.

I'm with Nicpem lots of people have two people coming round here and if it's in a church hall with lots of space no one minds. Birthday parties last 2 hours and are usually at an awkward time in the middle of the day. If people want to go on somewhere afterwards it's a hassle to drive all the way back home to get the other parent. Sometimes there's tea and biscuits for parents but the other parents usually sort this out while the host gets on with the party stuff so another pair of hands is obviously useful. If space is limited the other parent would probably go grab a coffee or go for a walk/wait in the car but it would be silly to do that in a half empty church hall.

My friend's 3 year old had a train trip birthday where tickets obviously had to be paid per person so no one would dream of bringing two adults then.

no one minds.

Well - the OP does, for one! Are you sure no one minds? Or has nobody told you directly that they mind? I'm just saying it's worth considering rather than assuming.....

no one minds.

when everybody does the same, and parents always come as a couple, it is a sign that no one is bothered. I have seen older siblings on their tablets for an hour, not disturbing anyone, and most parents buy a few bags of sweets to give to siblings that were not invited, so they are not completely empty handed, this costs nothing.

It genuinely wouldn't have occur to me that 2 parents could bother a host, maybe because I have always seen couple from the first party. It's what you are used to I guess. The only time it is (pretty much) mums only is for week day parties -which I really dislike!

My oldest is 6 and usually both me and my DH go with him to parties he's invited to. Don't really know what's odd about it?

I think it depends very much on whether the adults are friends or not and the age of the child. When my son was little, up until about the age of five, when parties were held in homes or sports-centres etc, both parents attending was the norm. As the children got older, it became one parent, then older again, "drop and run"! I wouldn't worry, OP. As others have said, it was considerate of them to reply. At least you've been fore-warned, Ask for extra seats if there's more adults and concentrate on the children.

Entirely standard for at least one parent to hang around at a kids party at that age.

Majority of parties I've been to I've went with my husband and will continue to unless one of us has something planned.l!!