To be shocked at 7 year olds behaviour?

[Pollyanna12345]

DS just turned 7 last month.
Quite a loud extrovert personality but up to now had no issues with his behaviour aside from not being able to sit still for long so visits to restaurants and so on were always quite tricky.
We are more positive parents than anything else although don't like to label but have always done all we can to suit their needs ( DS2 is 4 and completely different character )
so have left restaurants and places where he can't seem to behave well in many a time
The last few weeks have been hard
School still seems fine and only just had PE and nothing mentioned other than lacks concentration at times and is quite fearless of danger but generally only does things he knows he's capable of so not really a concern but he just doesn't seem to listen to much we say and has an answer for absolutely everything
He argues back like an adult not a child and is extremely logical but not very emotional
A few examples are :
Throwing a massive rock in a farm as he was insistent it was not a rock, just a soft mass of mud so when it exploded it wouldn't break into pieces, it would just fall apart so I didn't need to worry it would smash anything
Spelling out things to his brother like " shut up " phonetically when he gets annoyed and when told off says he shouldn't be told off as his brother can't understand what he's saying
Ran past a door and accidentally shut his dad's finger in it and when explained he should apologise as although accidental he shouldn't have been running through the hallway - that was his dad's fault for coming out of the toilet at that specific moment in time
He also blames anyone and everyone for things that go wrong, so if he falls over someone distracted him for instance and takes no responsibility for his actions
He has a big personality and we've always been careful to embrace it but I wonder now if the respect is actually lacking because of that!
Anyone else with a " spirited " child like mine??

You sound just like him, giving excuses, logic, reasons for not taking any comments on board and thinking you are right.

And there is such a thing as having a healthy "fear" and respect for your parents and elders.

I'm not talking about being terrified of them, but being fearful of getting told off for bad behaviour and not wanting the punishment that would be given is exactly how children are raised normally.

My mum rarely smacked me. She didn't need to. If I was being cheeky or "spirited" I would get told off, I would get a warning and if I carried on I would get a smacked bottom.

It rarely ever happened because I didn't actually want a smacked bum or legs. It stung. So I reigned my bratty behaviour in. I never saw this as bad parenting by my mum. It worked and if that is fear then so what. I didn't grow up thinking violence is right, or that my mother abused me. I grew up with respect for elders, and consideration for others.

He's not spirited. He misbehaves and is let to get away with murder because of permissive parents who admire his assumed maturity instead of level setting him and establishing boundaries.
There are plenty of 7y olds who appear very mature. They are no longer babies, you know. They are still children and need to know how to behave. You are the person they need to learn from. You seem to fail.

I think the best thing you do as a parent is to direct spirit/energy into kind and thoughtful behaviour and to help out/ others in a positive, encouraging way.

This nips any antisocial tendencies in the bud, gives them skills and responsibilities and gives them plenty of opportunities to receive praise, positive feedback and rewards.

So basically everything they enjoy can be your bargaining chip..want to go on the computer? Then toys tidied first etc.

7 (and younger) is the perfect age to start so dirty cothes in washing machine, teach the correct button to press, how to dispense the detergent etc and how to hang out/take down, how to fold.

Cleaned away breakfast things? Well done! Brilliant! Vacuumed downstairs? Great let's go to the park and so on.

I have a friend's ds over regularly who has ADD, challenging behaviour amongst other things. She has an indulgent method of parenting (single parent, abusive ex so doesn't want her son to be shouted out/reprimanded) and she loves bringing him to mine as although I am strict with manners etc he responds really well to no nonsense but fun, positive direction.

He has just told me that after his mum's home coming to mine is his next favourite place :) and he has tidied up, taken the dogs for a walk, put away breakfast things etc (with the help of my ds).

Once he threw marbles down the stairs because he wanted to see people fall over but I got him to tell me how he would feel if someone broke their neck as a result of it and he had plenty of time to reflect about that as he was scooting around trying to find all the marbles he had thrown (took him ten minutes) and he realised it wasn't so cever and wouldn't do that again!

As I've said a few times now there are no issues at school and as prep I'm pretty sure they would be the first to tell me if he was causing disruption!

He does have boundaries and never hits out or does any of the other things I see other 7 year olds doing as he thinks that's very silly so this is what I meant by logical
He wouldn't hit his brother as he's younger so that wouldn't be fair
He wouldn't want to hurt people so wouldn't throw marbles to see people fall as someone mentioned above; he doesn't want to cause upset or hurt
I'm not excusing his behaviour, I just have accepted he is a strong character and want to work with him not against him 😃

I'm not sure what your asking? If you mean do any of our it children act like gob shites. Well yes, my DS is nearly 8 and he has the odd moments. However I would expect him to say sorry if he hurt somebody, he might not always understand why Its so important. I would also punish him if he behaved so badly I had to leave a restaurant. I'm not sure why you believe not smacking etc is relevant, you aren't the minority. Most decent parents avoid violence.

I think that (whatever your opinion) it would be kind to remember that this is op's precious child we are talking about.
op l would just like to point out that even if some of your family are teachers - they wouldn't automatically recognise ASD traits.
They are taught to impart information to NT students. Unless they have experience in additional needs you might as well ask your neighbour!
If it were me, l'd try a whole new approach to how you are dealing with things at the moment.
Try it, if you don't see any improvement- see if school/ doctor will help with any other specialists.
Good luck. Your son has a right to feel comfortable in his own skin- and you obviously need peace in your home. :)

I hear lots of parents making threats about taking things away / telling daddy when we get home / a snack if you carry on when out and about so that's what I meant by that; it doesn't mean we just do nothing.
We do, we talk everything through and there are consequences to certain behaviours but I don't want to squash his personality when I can already see that it's a big one in comparison to younger brothers!
Thanks for replies, I've started a thread in parenting for like minded parents to help with tips on the backchat and so on so won't reply any further here

I'm not excusing his behaviour, I just have accepted he is a strong character and want to work with him not against him 😃

You are bloody deluded. Strong character, smartass, logical ... you'd be surprised how many people have children like this. If you want to work with him, treat him like a child. Channel his maturity into positive things. Helping in the household, hanging up his uniform when he gets home from school, have his stuff prepared by himself for different activities. Make him responsible for his own success. Say No when needed and show that no matter what, your authority as a parent is untouchable as long as he is a child.
I could tell you about the arguments in our house which end up with: once your suitcases are out of the door and you are paying your own rent/mortgage, it will be your rules in your house. We are not authoritative parents but hell will freeze before I sit on my arse and admire my child as it behaves like a brat. That would include throwing a piece of mud or a stone to prove a point.
You are fooling yourself if you believe that your child is so extremely exceptional that he deserves some special treatment. You come here, post a thread in AIBU, make it look like you are seriously looking for advice but the overall message I get is self-promotion.
You are not shocked. You love the feeling that you may have a "special" child who is mature above his age.
You are not ready to accept any advice and keep repeating the same all over.

So when he threw the 'rock'/hard lump at the farm did you talk to him about how that could have badly hurt someone/startled an animal?

Mucking about in a restaurant..that could result in spilling hot food/drink/crashing into a waiter/people being fed up.

Your dh trapping his finger indirectly but due to ds's actions?

Sounds like the potential to hurt someone physically and plenty of potential to hurt people's feelings and upset others with such antisocial behaviour....

Op your ds sounds like a spoilt, thoughtless brat but with his gift of logic and backchatting he'd make a good lawyer so I wouldn't worry too much if I were you

wishes she hadn't bothered

That's why I didn't. You can't reason or get through to an applauding parent. It bites them on the backside eventually.

what a surprise he's at private school

You are excusing his behaviour though aren't you?

Is it just the arguing back that you find shocking, OP?

Teenage DD got a perfect score in her audition for debating team, "You're a natural for this!" they exclaimed. Maybe because I let her "backchat'. I also snarled a lot back at her for having a venomous tongue when she went too far. So I think it's mostly fine for kids to have their own opinions & state them. But sometimes they have to accept and follow the rules as they are whether they agree or not. Stressful when they won't stop protesting... but I was happy that my kids thought for themselves, too.

The times they get to say NO to rules come down to the simple principle "Must not hurt people" so they can refuse to do anything that would hurt themselves or someone else.

If you find the backchat annoying then tell him that the rules aren't going to change no matter how much he protests, and to give your ears a break. He's old enough to put up with some things he doesn't like, save his energy for something else.

I don't think firm boundaries will squash a personality and sometimes a 'no stop!' Is fine.

In another few months the OP will be on here complaining about the school/other kids/other parents not appreciating her child's large personality.

has a nice group of friends although some of their parents have said that he gets away with more than theirs ever would

^
Translation for this is that they think your kid is a brat.

He's just turned 7. If I were you I'd start putting in consequences to his behaviour now (you won't 'crush his spirit') you will just ensure that he grows up as a decent human being with people actually liking him.

And a 7 year old should be able to behave in a restaurant fgs, they just need to be shown how. My 3 year old will sit at a table in a restaurant and stay there until its time to get down. It really isn't hard.

'Squash his personality'?

What makes you think you could do that?

we don't do the shouting/hitting the way other parents seem to do

OP in the nicest way I am cringing reading your posts. It seems as if you are trying to stealth boast/virtue signal that you as a "positive parent"are superior to us mere mortals.

Teaching your ds some nanners and respect is not going to crush his spirit

WAITROSEPIGEON

my dcs are at private school and they sit quietly in restaurants, behave well at other people's homes, are polite to all, very rarely answer back, and do not believe they are in charge.

Your comment is an unecessary dig, l wonder what your response would be should someone have said that about state school children?

YANBU to be shocked at his behaviour btw. The key bit is what are you going.to do about it?

There's nothing logical about blaming your husband for coming out of the toilet door at the 'wrong' time. It's actually rather illogical- his argument begs the question 'what is the right time to come out of the toilet?' Erm ..... probably when you've finished using it. Telling his little brother to shut up whether he can understand it or not is suggestive of intolerance and has nothing to do with logic - personal relations are not about logic. They are about being able to operate in a relational framework - being mindful and considerate of others.
The not being able to own his own behaviour and it's potential damage is worrying - on a wider scale it's a common trait in criminals. Complete inability to see the pain one's actions have caused others - men blaming their victims for their actions "she made me do it". I'm convinced if more children had to take responsibility for the pain their actions cause - or even the potential pain their actions could cause - we'd have many more pleasant grown ups.

Op the more you post the more disrespectful you sound about other people's parenting. Believe it or not some people can actually successfully parent their 'spirited' child without 'crushing their spirit'. You have had some good advice on here but you seem determined to ignore what doesn't suit you. You lost me when you talked about other parents ' bleating about respect'. I think your son is rude and argumentative and i think he gets it from you. I am out.