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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at 7 year olds behaviour?

304 replies

Pollyanna12345 · 15/02/2017 14:05

DS just turned 7 last month.
Quite a loud extrovert personality but up to now had no issues with his behaviour aside from not being able to sit still for long so visits to restaurants and so on were always quite tricky.
We are more positive parents than anything else although don't like to label but have always done all we can to suit their needs ( DS2 is 4 and completely different character )
so have left restaurants and places where he can't seem to behave well in many a time
The last few weeks have been hard
School still seems fine and only just had PE and nothing mentioned other than lacks concentration at times and is quite fearless of danger but generally only does things he knows he's capable of so not really a concern but he just doesn't seem to listen to much we say and has an answer for absolutely everything
He argues back like an adult not a child and is extremely logical but not very emotional
A few examples are :
Throwing a massive rock in a farm as he was insistent it was not a rock, just a soft mass of mud so when it exploded it wouldn't break into pieces, it would just fall apart so I didn't need to worry it would smash anything
Spelling out things to his brother like " shut up " phonetically when he gets annoyed and when told off says he shouldn't be told off as his brother can't understand what he's saying
Ran past a door and accidentally shut his dad's finger in it and when explained he should apologise as although accidental he shouldn't have been running through the hallway - that was his dad's fault for coming out of the toilet at that specific moment in time
He also blames anyone and everyone for things that go wrong, so if he falls over someone distracted him for instance and takes no responsibility for his actions
He has a big personality and we've always been careful to embrace it but I wonder now if the respect is actually lacking because of that!
Anyone else with a " spirited " child like mine??

OP posts:
Luttrell · 18/02/2017 14:27

Stop feeling so proud of his 'logic'. All kids do it, it's just their oversimplistic way of seeing the world. Your kid ain't special because he's got some clumsy explanation for everything. All kids do that.

He needs to learn some manners, and that his little snarky comebacks are not tolerated.

Original poster
Pollyanna12345 · 19/02/2017 11:53

Thankyou for taking the time to reply
Yesterday the family meal went really well, I told him before we went in what I expected of him and only had to tell him off once for throwing the pepper pot to his dad who had asked for it.
Usually I wouldn't have, I would have explained why that wasn't the right thing to do but I probably wouldn't have actually told him off but yesterday i spoke to him more firmly and said it wasn't acceptable to throw in a restaurant and not to ruin a meal with his grandparents by being silly. He apologised to his dad even though we hadn't asked so maybe this is just a better approach for him.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 19/02/2017 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdamNSteve · 19/02/2017 12:07

POLLY
You've had a lot of very harsh comments on here.

You sound like you're a nice lady. Small steps -yesterday sounds like a start.

Remember you are the parent, your children are not your friends.

I found this age so hard with my ds who was diagnosed as high functioning.

I always made sure there were consequences to bad behaviour for all my children with no allowances. I know it's not how every parent parents but years on we do have fantastically behaved (still spirited and cheeky/mardy) DC who I am very proud of.

NettleTea · 19/02/2017 13:34

thats great

Original poster
Pollyanna12345 · 19/02/2017 14:04

Thanks for the reply, that was a kind thing to say!
It doesn't come naturally to me to be an authoritive type and I did what I thought was best and explained everything to the children in every circumstance however I am starting to see what works for some doesn't work for all and I guess it comes back to the old saying of " give an inch and take a mile " which is very typical of eldest but not of youngest

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 19/02/2017 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachel0Greep · 19/02/2017 14:48

Well done for taking comments on board.

In my opinion, there are times when things need to be explained, but there are also times when it is 'because I said so' particularly if, for example a child is about to do something dangerous, hurtful or harmful.
Glad that the meal went well, and hopefully things continue to improve.

Datun · 19/02/2017 14:56

Polly

The 'logic' thing caught me on the hop too. Until I wised up. Because to them it is always logical. They are children and, as such, fairly self interested.

So the logic will always benefit them. If you can spend the time sitting down and trying to teach a seven-year-old all the nuanced behaviour required of adults, well done. Mostly it won't work because they simply don't have the maturity and experience of an adult. You can't make them think like one.

And it's exhausting.

You need to make him fully understand the premise that sometimes he just does something because you say so. No explanation, no education about it. It just is. Because you do know better.

Otherwise you will spend the entire time painstakingly arguing with with a seven-year-old, on his level, at his behest!

Sit him down and make him understand that sometimes it really is 'because I said so'. If he's clever, he will understand why and you won't have to going into an explanation every time you say it.

Kanga59 · 19/02/2017 15:02

from your op it sounds like he definitely lacks a sense of responsibility. you also sound very accommodating as parents.

Original poster
Pollyanna12345 · 19/02/2017 16:14

It is tiring but we persevered as thought it was best for the children so I take the " accommodating " comment as that's also true
We did indeed have that conversation yesterday morning, that I'm the adult and I know best so he needs to trust me when I say not to do something as there's a reason for it. He said he understood this and he will listen to what I say as does trust me and wants me to trust him to do the right thing 😃

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 19/02/2017 17:31

That is lovely. Smile

One child-raising book that I very much like is a rather old one Parent-Child Game by Sue Jenner. Among other good things it explains the difference between being authoritative and being authoritarian and the need to find the right balance of control. It does depend on the child's own personality (my own DS could not have understood your conversation about "I'm the adult"). Authoritative is what you are aiming for and it sounds as if you are on the right path now.

VictoriaMcdade · 19/02/2017 18:53

I am v impressed that you have taken on board some of the suggestions but he threw a pepper pot?! He's 7! Good god...

But if throwing something like that is normal 'naughty' behaviour for a 'spirited child' I think that his 'personality' could do with some squashing. It could have hit his little brother, or anyone else.

Does he not understand that that is not acceptable? If he does not he is either a bit dim, has not been taught it is wrong, or has other issues.

And apologising after the fact is not good enough. That is NOT normal. We have just come back from lunch with a 7,8, and 9 year old. There was a bit of giggling and that was it.

I would rather see a kid with an iPad than one throwing things about the table.

ocelot41 · 19/02/2017 19:01

I think you have to start with where your child is at, no? For the OP, a meal with only one incident was a real breakthrough. Also, once you start to put your foot down, some little ones do get worse for a bit, as they are testing whether you mean it.

Original poster
Pollyanna12345 · 19/02/2017 19:55

He didn't throw it as in just fired it for no reason, threw it instead of passing it to his dad.
Obviously not acceptable but some of the things he do, aren't meaning to be naughty, he's just whiter hyperactive and has lots of energy which isn't always directed well.
An iPad would be an easy solution but not really teaching him what I'm trying to so at the moment I don't think it would be a good idea!

OP posts:
Nessie71 · 19/02/2017 20:07

My daughter is the same...she is well behaved at school and can sit in a restaraunt but my goodness she can back chat and blames me foe everything that goes wrong...but she is soon told off! Think its just a age thing! I hope 😣

IonaNE · 19/02/2017 20:10

he lacks concentration when not interested
Errrmmm.... no sh|t, Sherlock.
He should have been able to sit through a restaurant meal 3 years ago. He does not sound very easy to get along with.

ocelot41 · 19/02/2017 20:10

It sounds like we may have similar kinds of kids Polly. Mine really struggles with controlling physical impulses too and it isn't a calculated intention. He is permanently moving - sitting still is very, very hard for him. Even when it is inappropriate, he cant seem to stop the urge to move. Does that sound familiar?

littledinaco · 19/02/2017 20:20

Ocelot - there are loads of things you can do to help with the sitting still.

This is just one link (ignore the title as it probably doesn't relate to your DS, I don't know how to change it sorry) but there are lots of other stratergies too.

www.developmental-delay.com/page.cfm/161

Original poster
Pollyanna12345 · 19/02/2017 20:26

Ocelot yes very familiar
The only time he's very still is when he is building a Lego creation
Other than that he finds it very hard, reading a book is very hard for him
and not ability wise but just to actually sit long enough to read the words!

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 19/02/2017 20:39

I really would look into ADHD - people with ADHD can concentrate - if they are interested. If they aren't they really struggle. They are impulsive. They can't sit still - fidget. And (especially if bright) they can control it to some extent...to conform.
A good eg of this I think my DP has ADHD too (which is common as there is the attraction of someone like you). At a school thing that was a bit tedious he was squirming in his chair, moving constantly. I was sat next to him - sitting on my hands looking perfectly still (I've noticed I do that or cross my arms - my way of conforming) BUT my toes were wriggling in my shoes...
This is a good place to start ....
www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/attention-deficit-disorder-adhd-in-children.htm
If nothing else so you can keep an eye on them and if they start struggling at secondary etc and you suspect they might have it be ready with a list of symptoms they have displayed etc to speed a diagnosis along (the throwing the pepper pot would be a good eg of impulsiveness....)

littledinaco · 19/02/2017 20:41

Pollyanna-there are lots of activities you can do to help him to do things like sit and read a book.
You may find that doing the activities improves his behaviour at other times, so by doing them daily, hopefuly when he goes to a restaurant he finds it easier to sit nicely.

'' We recognise these type of children because they never stay still. The premise behind these activities is to help their bodies receive regular input into their muscles and joints in the most appropriate ways, so they can get the input they crave and settle their bodies down. Often these activities will include using weights, weighted products, jumping, bouncing, rocking, pushing, pulling, swinging and being “squished”. ''

I've copied and pasted this which relates to SPD but even if your DS is NT as you say, the things listed may still help him.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/02/2017 20:58

My ds is a blame shifter. He can argue logic until he drives you up the wall!

He cannot see an incident other than in the way he sees it and how he meant things to happen.
He also struggles with semantics.
He has ASD.

I do think your attitude towards your Ds is shaping his behaviour. You sound almost proud of the fact he's argumentative and seems maturer than his peers - yet strangely unconcerned his peers parents think his behaviour is poor.

I know a child who is now 12 who was raised with being allowed to argue and not hold responsibility for their behaviour with consequences.
She's an absolute anxious angry outspoken mess who cannot understand why her peers get frustrated with her and her teachers don't think her calling out is acceptable.

jessplussomeonenew · 19/02/2017 21:07

It might help to separate times when it is good to discuss rules (family problem solving to come up with rules for everyone to move round a house safely) and other times when you just need to say that this is the rule, we can talk about it later if you want but right now you must do x.

OopsDearyMe · 19/02/2017 21:19

Am I in twin peaks??? What are you all prattling on about !!!!

He is a seven year old boy. Behaving like a seven year old boy!

None of what you describe seems even naughty, its just a child finding out who he and the world around him is! FFS you leave restaurants because of his behaviour? Why?
What is he doing that is so out of control?

So he blamed his dad for coming out when really it was his fault. Nothing naughty, just a reaction to not wanting to be in the wrong. Yes he shouldn't have been running, tell him off !

Have I missed half this thread or what?