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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking this is not racist?

549 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:02

At a baby group, and one of the mothers starts commenting on a father who is there, mentioning how she wouldn't say no etc. Then asked what we think
One friend turned round and said no he isn't my cup of tea.
Original lady asked why
She responded she normally prefers white men, not black men.
Original lady tells her she should be disgusted in herself and having a view like that is highly racist. She then asked me do I agree if she was racist in what she said.

I told her I wouldn't view this as racist, just personal preference.
Is this actually racist? Or is original lady just being a bit over the top.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 14/02/2017 15:17

The only way your friend could make the others not view her as racist is to backtrack and say she would have sex with someone she didn't want to. That makes me uncomfortable and reminds me very much of the insistence by many that lesbians who say no sex with a penis are bigots.

Yes, that was what this reminded me of.

WasabiNell · 14/02/2017 15:17

Thanks Lady Grin. Back to topic of thread though, I find it very rude of the woman to bring that up. Imagine a group of dad's discussing if they'd like to shag one of the mum's Shock

SpartacusWoman · 14/02/2017 15:17

She could have just said not her type.

She did. She said not her cup of tea.
That should have been enough imo, and conversation should have moved on rather than her being asked to explain why she would say no.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 14/02/2017 15:19

JJBum you're confusing cultural standards of beauty with personal preferences.

Cultural standards are often what informs our personal preferences, though.

CactusFred · 14/02/2017 15:20

I don't think this is racist.

I have a friend of Jamaican descent who says she doesn't find white guys attractive. I don't find Asian men attractive as a rule but love dark skinned men of other ethnic backgrounds.

It's just taste, same as I prefer dark hair over blond!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/02/2017 15:20

But on the other foot I have a lady friend who is white, has never been near a white man in her life. And often says " once you go black you never go back

WRF is wrong with your friends? Confused

they sound thick as shit

ArchNotImpudent · 14/02/2017 15:21

The whole conversation was distasteful. If the AIBU had been 'I just walked in on a group of dads at the baby group and found them discussing whether or not they'd shag me and why,' I'd think that was unacceptable.

stevie69 · 14/02/2017 15:23

I think it's simply a matter of personal preference. I don't find Blair Underwood yummy in the slightest.

ApplePaltrow21 · 14/02/2017 15:25

This is a great question. It comes down to discrimination: when is it reasonable or unreasonable?

That's what the job specifications are for. They screen out people who don't have the skills you think are required for the job. Race is not typically one of them because believing people cannot do a job because they are black is based on racism views against black people.

But when you make friends you do discriminate. You may screen out people who don't have your sense of humor, or shared interests or even don't live near to you etc etc.

Now onto dating. I would say that who you date is the area of the greatest discrimination that you will do. You look at attraction, long term potential, values, everything. There are people you would work with that you wouldn't date. There are people you would be friends with that you wouldn't date.

So I think it's not unreasonable to honestly feel that you are not attracted generally to a particular race.

BUT I actually think this woman made a pretty racist statement. Here's why: I can generally not be attracted to something but I still judge people that I meet on their own terms. I don't treat them as part of a mass racial blob. This woman met a black guy, didn't find him attractive. She doesn't have to like the guy. She could have easily stated "because I don't find him attractive" - which is 100% true.

But instead she said "I normally don't prefer black guys". I think that's dehumanizing and honestly weird. "Normally" means that she likes some black guys? If so, then so why bring up the fact he's black he's at all? Why not just say she thinks he's not attractive? She's not talking about all guys in general, she's not talking about a distant celebrity, she talking about a person she's met and talked to. It's really really weird to me.

And honestly, there is a difference between head and mouth and some things are actually ok to think but rude to say. Like, a guy may not be attracted to fat women. I think that's a lot of guys. I think that's their choice but men who harp on about how they want women to be skinny honestly come across as annoying and sexist.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2017 15:26

I don't find bald men especially short ones attractive. That conversation was totally inaporopriate, she shoukd have stopped, when the lady said he was not her cup of tea. The woman was very rude.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2017 15:28

apple she did say that he was not her cup of tea, tge conversation shoukd have stopped right there!

GTS · 14/02/2017 15:28

I normally prefer white men, but if Idris Elba rocked up at my door I'd be off like a shot too.
I don't think it's racist. But I can see how it might be construed that way.

Lndnmummy · 14/02/2017 15:29

Ha, one lady less after my hubby then Grin

Lndnmummy · 14/02/2017 15:29

And yes rascist for sure, for the reasons other posters have mentioned.

VestalVirgin · 14/02/2017 15:30

The whole conversation was distasteful. If the AIBU had been 'I just walked in on a group of dads at the baby group and found them discussing whether or not they'd shag me and why,' I'd think that was unacceptable.

This.

Asking for reasons why someone is not attracted to some specific person will almost never get an answer that is flattering to the object of the discussion.
Which makes this automatically hurtful gossip.

Though I wonder whether most of the parents in that group aren't married?

I'd probably just have ended the disussion by pointing out that I won't debate the attractiveness of a married/partnered man because he's off limits and that is that.
(And then someone would have started a thread on mumsnet on how it is still okay to look and on how unreasonable I am. That's life.)

indigo13 · 14/02/2017 15:32

Im not racist at all but I dont remember finding a black guy sexually attractive

Lndnmummy · 14/02/2017 15:32

Applepaltrow summed it up perfectly, what she said.

Lndnmummy · 14/02/2017 15:34

Indigo, are you saying that you have not found then attractive because they are black. I am not after an argument, just genuinly intrigued.

cheeseandpineapple · 14/02/2017 15:34

Sounds more like prejudice rather than racist.

If the friend prefers red heads she should have said that rather than make it a black/white division.

Fact that she made a black/white comment suggests some prejudice - lumping entire ethnic races into categories.

Suspect in reality she would find she probably doesn't mean it.

Give her hideous "white" bloke next to good looking non white bloke would be surprised if she still chose hideous one over good looking non white.

BBCNewsRave · 14/02/2017 15:34

JJbum If it's just personal preference, it'd be fine to say it to some ones face ("sorry I don't find you attractive because you're black")

Shock No it wouldn't! Would you honestly say "I don't find you attractive because you're ginger" or "I don't find you attractive because you're too skinny"?

If it's just personal preference then a young child could never end up with issues with self-image after overhearing conversations like the one the OP reported.

Yeh, its not as if anyone's had issues with self image after being told they're unattractive because of how they look for any other reason... Hmm

It's only ok to say you find someone unattractive if it's a crap personal trait eg. "I don't find you attractive because you're an overbearing dickhead".

Or "I don't find you attractive because you're a goady fucker who starts weird conversations and interrogates people about who they're attracted to"...!

Iggi999 · 14/02/2017 15:35

Sexism and racism wrapped up in a nice bundle of plain bad manners. You and these other mums need to grow up. Bet though that some of them were sitting thinking "I can't believe this arse is talking like this!".

indigo13 · 14/02/2017 15:37

LNDN ive only thought back after reading this and when picturing usher in his videos etc I cant remember it doing anything for me, when it clearly does for others

Thegirlinthefireplace · 14/02/2017 15:39

Indigo, examining why you have never found a black man sexually attractive may be interesting.

All these white women not finding black men attractive isn't coincidence, it's cultural bias borne out of generations of racial prejudice.

stevie69 · 14/02/2017 15:40

I don't find bald men especially short ones attractive

LOL. That's less competition for the guy I have a MASSIVE crush on—who's 5'8". And bald. But stunning Blush

It really is a personal tasat thing, isn't it?

S x

Writerwannabe83 · 14/02/2017 15:41

All these white women not finding black men attractive isn't coincidence, it's cultural bias borne out of generations of racial prejudice.

Aren't people generally attracted to their own race anyway? It's very rare I think to see black/white couples which implies black people don't particularly find white people attractive either?

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