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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking this is not racist?

549 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:02

At a baby group, and one of the mothers starts commenting on a father who is there, mentioning how she wouldn't say no etc. Then asked what we think
One friend turned round and said no he isn't my cup of tea.
Original lady asked why
She responded she normally prefers white men, not black men.
Original lady tells her she should be disgusted in herself and having a view like that is highly racist. She then asked me do I agree if she was racist in what she said.

I told her I wouldn't view this as racist, just personal preference.
Is this actually racist? Or is original lady just being a bit over the top.

OP posts:
TheNiffler · 14/02/2017 14:36

I don't even think it's shallow, sexual attraction is what it is, you can't ake^ yourself attracted to someone.

TheNiffler · 14/02/2017 14:37

ake should have been make^

picklemepopcorn · 14/02/2017 14:37

I think people can fall for someone who is outside their type- be swept off their feet by a red head when they didn't think they would be...
Having a type isn't racist.

JJbum · 14/02/2017 14:37

I was making a point not quoting! I thought that was obvious.

The person made her preference, as reported by the OP as purely about skin colour, nothing else. If she has a particular type such as "tall and dark haired" or "blonder and surfer dude" or "long, blonde haired rocker look" then should could have said that. But she didn't. Or perhaps there was also something else about the man - too muscly, too short, too tall, too serious looking. All superficial reasons that may be subject to change in reality, when she gets to know a man.

But she didn't qualify her statement at all. She expressed a preference purely on skin colour. That. Just skin colour. Nothing else. How can anyone think that isn't racist??!?

Purplepotatoe · 14/02/2017 14:38

Not racist necessarily but probably not to be said out loud though and agree with others that it might say something about underlying thoughts!

ShoutOutToMyEx · 14/02/2017 14:40

I wouldn't perceive it as racist as such, but I'd assume she was a bit ignorant and immature. And quite stupid.

I think it's a stupid way to think. I wouldn't ever be interested in someone tight, for example, because tightness is a quality that is usually expressed by certain behaviours that I find deeply unappealing. 'Blackness' is not a quality universally expressed!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/02/2017 14:40

racist . no

distasteful and cringeworth, yes

I hate it when people talk about what races they want to fuck, keep those thought IN your head hey

NoCapes · 14/02/2017 14:40

Of course it isn't racist how ridiculous!

Brokenbiscuit · 14/02/2017 14:42

I'm not sure that it's racist per se. I do think it's very shallow. I also think that it was crass to have the conversation in the first place.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/02/2017 14:43

It's not racist, but certainly a bit tone-deaf.

I can only assume that most people feel this way, since interracial partnerships remain the exception rather than the rule.

Thegirlinthefireplace · 14/02/2017 14:43

I agree that it reveals underlying racism. If her response had been that she normally fancies the Ed Sheerhan type, fair enough and not racist. Saying she normally prefers white men rather than black men does, imo, reveal some unconscious racism in her part.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/02/2017 14:44

I hate it when people talk about what races they want to fuck, keep those thought IN your head hey

Aptly put.

ProfessionalPirate · 14/02/2017 14:44

As to people who wouldn't date someone because of their size, hair colour or other such things, I think they are also shallow. Would you be happy to find out that your OH was only with you because of the colour of your hair or the size of your boobs when you met?
Oh come on, this is ridiculous. There Is nothing wrong with expecting a degree of physical attraction in a relationship.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/02/2017 14:44

*But she didn't qualify her statement at all. She expressed a preference purely on skin colour. That. Just skin colour. Nothing else. How can anyone think that isn't racist??!?

Because she's saying she's not sexually attracted to his appearance - not his personality. It's not like she said she wouldn't sleep with him because he's black and all black men are... (insert a sweeping racist statement).

I'm not sexually attracted to Chinese people yet find Asian men attractive - does that make me racist?

MuseumOfCurry · 14/02/2017 14:46

If her response had been that she normally fancies the Ed Sheerhan type, fair enough and not racist. Saying she normally prefers white men rather than black men does, imo, reveal some unconscious racism in her part.

So (according to you) it's acceptable to prefer redheaded men, but not white men?

Dizzybintess · 14/02/2017 14:46

I watched a documentary once with a redheaded man going round asking people if they would date a redhead. people were unbelievably rude to him, one woman even went to town saying she found them all ugly.
I'm a redhead and I had so many people telling me they were so pleased my daughter was a girl as redhead boys are not good!! (disgusting opinion in this day and age!)

We all like different types of people, sometimes personality wins over appearance.
Its a strange one as its a little racist but then again not, its discussing what we find attractive and that is all subjective.

Dizzybintess · 14/02/2017 14:46
ShoutOutToMyEx · 14/02/2017 14:47

I don't fancy men all covered in tattoos. Or men with shaved heads. Or men that are much shorter than me. It's CHOICE.

But why don't you fancy them? Is it to do with perceptions about what those physical characteristics mean for them as people? I think it is, that's why I'm uncomfortable with what this woman said.

I'm just as bad, I probably wouldn't agree to a date with a man shorter than me. But when I really think about it, that's because 1) I have preconceptions about a man's height and its relationship to masculinity 2) I'd be worried other people had those preconceptions too, and would think about them when seeing us together.

And when I replace height with skin colour, and masculinity with another one of the stereotypes that affect black people.... then it just seems on a different level.

tabulahrasa · 14/02/2017 14:48

"But she didn't qualify her statement at all. She expressed a preference purely on skin colour. That. Just skin colour. Nothing else. How can anyone think that isn't racist??!?"

Because preferences over who people find attractive quite often come down to one characteristic.

If as it turns out she likes pale gingers - she's not likely to find dark skin attractive.

nannybeach · 14/02/2017 14:49

Personal preference I say, my DD has been out with black guys who treated her badly, she has black male friends she gets on great with, horrified a girl (black) she works with by saying she would not go out with a black guy.Personal preference, I never liked guys older than me, or who smoked.

Thegirlinthefireplace · 14/02/2017 14:49

"So (according to you) it's acceptable to prefer redheaded men, but not white men?"

I made no judgment call about her sexual preferences. I made a comment about what the way she expressed herself revealed about her.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 14/02/2017 14:50

Forget the rascist aspect for now. I can't believe that you were openly discussing the sexual attractiveness of a fellow parent at a toddler group. I find that really shocking!

Imagine if it was a group of mostly men who were discussing whether they'd like to hump the lone female within the group.

Would you consider that a reasonable conversation to have?

birdybirdywoofwoof · 14/02/2017 14:52

Someone at baby group said about a fellow Dad who is there, 'Ooh I wouldn't say no'.
Then she asked you all if you fancied him too.
Then when one woman admitted she didn't fancy him, the original woman actually asked her why?

She sounds horrible.

NoCapes · 14/02/2017 14:52

Shoutout I think you're over analysing
There's generally no rhyme not reason to who you fancy and why, it's something we largely have no control over
If she doesn't find black men attractive then she doesn't find them attractive, she can't help that
I personally don't find blonde men attractive, nor do I find Chinese men attractive
Doesn't mean I hate or dislike all blonde or Chinese people, or think that they all have a particular characteristic - I just don't generally fancy them
I think you'll find if you look back on a persons dating history you'll see a similar looking person over and over, because people usually have a 'type' that they find attractive

ShugAvery1 · 14/02/2017 14:55

cringing my arse off at the posters highlighting a black man they find attractive in what is presumably an awkward attempt at proving they're not racist. I bet you all have a black friend too so you're alright Wink