Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 21 22

Original poster

AIBU in thinking this is not racist?

549 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:02

At a baby group, and one of the mothers starts commenting on a father who is there, mentioning how she wouldn't say no etc. Then asked what we think
One friend turned round and said no he isn't my cup of tea.
Original lady asked why
She responded she normally prefers white men, not black men.
Original lady tells her she should be disgusted in herself and having a view like that is highly racist. She then asked me do I agree if she was racist in what she said.

I told her I wouldn't view this as racist, just personal preference.
Is this actually racist? Or is original lady just being a bit over the top.

OP posts:

BBCNewsRave · 14/02/2017 15:43

Fantastic post Apple

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 15:43

sparkly one parent made a comment was hardly a group discussion. I'm not the moral police. If you're clutching your pearls at that you'd hate too be in the hairdressers I work at with some of the things clients come out with. This wasn't about is it an acceptable comment her ogling a guy. I can't control what she says but I can control my input hence why I didn't comment on him.

I think why the woman gave that reply as blunt as she did because original lady is like a dog with a bone she won't take first answer. There has to be reason behind your answer with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 15:45

Just too make it clear this baby group isnt a group of horny housewives who leer at men by the way! It's normally quite tame honestly

OP posts:

MuseumOfCurry · 14/02/2017 15:45

Aren't people generally attracted to their own race anyway? It's very rare I think to see black/white couples which implies black people don't particularly find white people attractive either?

That's my view on the matter. You don't see a huge number of interracial relationships, particularly outside of big metropolitan areas.

NinjaLeprechaun · 14/02/2017 15:48

"If it's just personal preference, it'd be fine to say it to some ones face ("sorry I don't find you attractive because you're black")"
Honestly, the entire conversation sounds like one that wouldn't be fine to say to some ones face.

I am a very, very pale papery white colour, and have had people tell me that they don't find me attractive because of it. To my face.
Going into the specifics of why you don't find a person attractive, to that person, is always going to be kind of a dickish thing to do, but I don't think that's confined to skin colour or race.

seabreezewavingtrees · 14/02/2017 15:55

It's not racist but it's a bit weird to sit there having a chat about him and the rights and wrongs of not fancying him due to his colour. If I was minding my own business with my baby and heard a couple of dads chatting about fancying me, not fancying me, and whether it's racist or not to not be attracted to me because I'm black, I'd go home and not go back there.
It happened all the time in school, the racist things were being told to fuck off to Africa and being called a nigger by adults and children alike. The embarrassing, awkward and can't I just he left alone moments were the discussions between boys (and sometimes the teachers chipping in to tell them off) that they didn't fancy me because I'm black (I'm mixed).
The lady is perfectly entitled not to be attracted to black men, it's the open (and probably not as discrete as she thought) banging on about it that's annoying. It's not racist, just uninvited commenting on his race. He probably just wanted to go about his day.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 14/02/2017 15:56

Aren't people generally attracted to their own race anyway? It's very rare I think to see black/white couples which implies black people don't particularly find white people attractive either?

Isn't that because they were incredibly taboo and frowned upon by society until relatively recently? I can remember being asked 'would you take a black boyfriend home to meet your parents?' by our RE teacher as some sort of ethical dilemma. And this was the early 2000s, in a girls grammar in the south east.

There's a lady on the BBC website today who's been disowned by her grandfather for marrying a black man.

m0therofdragons · 14/02/2017 15:58

I don't like men with beards or blonde men so I don't see her statement as racist, it's just personal preference of first impressions. People will say it's racist as so many people have no idea what that means.

VestalVirgin · 14/02/2017 16:01

All these white women not finding black men attractive isn't coincidence, it's cultural bias borne out of generations of racial prejudice.

That may be so, but not being found attractive by white women is hardly the worst consequence of racism black men have to deal with.
It could be a symptom of racism, yes, but even then, it is not what needs changing.
If the woman who would not have sex with a black man would give a black person a job, and pay them as well as a white person, too, then perhaps you should rather spend your energy asking Hollywood why they don't cast black men as romantic heroes - in case of Hollywood, that actually harms actors' job prospects.

Trying to bully women into pretending to find black men attractive when they don't is not going to help anyone.

picklemepopcorn · 14/02/2017 16:03

Aren't people generally attracted to their own race anyway? It's very rare I think to see black/white couples which implies black people don't particularly find white people attractive either?

Not at all true in my area. Out of the four non European couples on the street, two are different heritages, and two are the same. So a Chinese couple, a black African (not sure what country) couple, and two couples with different heritages/ethnicities. And a load of white western couples.

At my son's school (mainly black), for some reason, the anger felt by black women because so many black men marry white women was discussed (can't remember why). It must have been perceived as a problem there/then.

badtime · 14/02/2017 16:05

I have a 'type' related to someone's physical colouring. Because of this preference (light brown skin, dark brown or black hair and eyes), I have dated men who are white (southern european), asian (Indian, Chinese), mixed race (Indian/white, Caribbean/white), Latino, Israeli and a someone who was part native Alaskan.

According to some people on this thread, having a preference related to skin colour is racist. I don't really see how.

stevie69 · 14/02/2017 16:07

All these white women not finding black men attractive isn't coincidence, it's cultural bias borne out of generations of racial prejudice

What a load of cock custard!!!!!

VestalVirgin · 14/02/2017 16:08

Aren't people generally attracted to their own race anyway? It's very rare I think to see black/white couples which implies black people don't particularly find white people attractive either?

No, I do think it is caused by racism on a societal level; people stick to their own race because they don't want to be bullied.

I have no preferences regarding race; I also don't care about hair or eye colour. Nice, harmonic facial features is all I want in a man.
However, I live in Germany, and most non-white men I meet don't speak German and/or don't have the same cultural background as me, and that is what I find offputting.
I imagine that being much less of a factor in the US and the UK.

Hercule · 14/02/2017 16:12

Dizzibintess I was at a baby group once with my then 2 year old dd who has beautiful red hair. One mum commented on it and I said 'yes she gets it from her dad' which prompted another mum to go into a long diatribe about how she could never fancy a ginger man, going on about 'ginger underarm hair eew' with a disgusted look on her face. Right after I'd effectively just told her my partner was ginger. Oh and my daughter. I was so gobsmacked I couldn't speak.

I did wonder at the time what everyone's reaction would have been if she'd made the same kind if comments about black men.

tabulahrasa · 14/02/2017 16:14

"Cultural standards are often what informs our personal preferences, though."

Yes and no though...or we'd all be attracted to the same people.

Hercule · 14/02/2017 16:16

I think types are pretty fluid anyway. I thought if my 'type' as skinny dark haired blokes when I was young. Then ended up with a stocky red-head. I think it was my massive crush on Josh Homme that did it - Dh just turned up at the right time and bore a passing resemblance to him. Oh and he played the guitar too which helped the fantasy along!

ShoutOutToMyEx · 14/02/2017 16:19

Yes and no though...or we'd all be attracted to the same people

Agreed, attraction is so layered and complicated. But I am often struck when looking through magazines etc just how similar all the women look. And how we're encouraged to do our best to look like that too.

Italiangreyhound · 14/02/2017 16:29

It's called a personal preference. All women, and men, get to choose who they wish to be intimate with.

If she said he could not be Prime Minster, or teach her kids - that would be racist. Saying she doesn't fancy him. Her choice.

There have been plenty of men, and maybe some women too (harder to record) who have been happy to have sex with people of a different race but still exhibit racist attitudes and behaviour!

Just think of women of colour who have born children to the white men who ruled over them in slavery and colony. Being willing to have said with someone doesn't mean you respect them!

Not fancying sex with a person doesn't mean you do not respect them!

Italiangreyhound · 14/02/2017 16:30

have sex not have said!

DJBaggySmalls · 14/02/2017 16:33

Writing off a whole race is racist. Dress it up however you want. It doesnt make it any better.

Fighterofthenightman · 14/02/2017 16:33

I'm not attracted to Afro-Carribean guys as in they wouldn't turn my head in the street, I don't fancy any celebrities from BME backgrounds.

I have dated men from BME backgrounds because I met them and was attracted to them in other ways.

I've dated fat guys, thin guys but my 'type' and what turns my head in the street are bulky, muscular white guys that are heavily tattooed. That's what I find most attractive.

It's not discriminatory or shallow to be attracted to certain physical characteristics.

MaisyPops · 14/02/2017 16:36

It depends. It's not inherently racist.

If she says 'id never date a black man because I dislike black people' and went on to list lots of traits that 'black men' have then yes it would be racist.

If it's 'i have a thing for men with red hair and i dont usually find black men attractive, then I dont see what's wrong with that.

I dont really find men with darker european skin attractive (think Italian, greek, Spanish). Just preferences.

tabulahrasa · 14/02/2017 16:38

"But I am often struck when looking through magazines etc just how similar all the women look. And how we're encouraged to do our best to look like that too."

Oh yes, I'm not disagreeing that there are cultural norms about what's attractive and they absolutely are racist...and it's worse on both fronts for women.

It's just that what someone likes or dislikes as an individual is way more complicated than that.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/02/2017 16:46

Oh yes, I'm not disagreeing that there are cultural norms about what's attractive and they absolutely are racist...and it's worse on both fronts for women.

Yes, I agree. I rarely pick up beauty magazines for many reasons, including this.

SarcasmMode · 14/02/2017 16:46

Like the other recent one like this.

im not usually attracted to black men not racist, just an observation of what's happened in the past.

black men aren't attractive/ I'll never find a black man attractive racist. Pre-emptying future opinions and acting superior.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 21 22

Swipe left for the next trending thread