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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU in thinking this is not racist?

549 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:02

At a baby group, and one of the mothers starts commenting on a father who is there, mentioning how she wouldn't say no etc. Then asked what we think
One friend turned round and said no he isn't my cup of tea.
Original lady asked why
She responded she normally prefers white men, not black men.
Original lady tells her she should be disgusted in herself and having a view like that is highly racist. She then asked me do I agree if she was racist in what she said.

I told her I wouldn't view this as racist, just personal preference.
Is this actually racist? Or is original lady just being a bit over the top.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 16/02/2017 02:36

Actually, I do think sometimes just occasionally some people can control sexual attraction. I am a great believer in taking control of one's emotions and I think sexual attraction is a kind of emotion.

So if someone wanted to find a particular type of person attractive, it may be possible.

Datun maybe you just did not meet the right 'just so nice' one!

I was actually thinking of this 'Indian man' mentioned a few times and I realised I had been out with an Indian man, well he was quite mixed racially but I think part of his make up was Indian. He was possibly one of the most attractive men I've ever been involved with. His skin was an amazingly attractive colour, his features were lovely. I wonder if finding these things attractive actually make me racist?

I don''t think so!

Ironically I ended up with a while man with grey hair!

Italiangreyhound · 16/02/2017 02:39

JungleInTheRumble "Like if I was doing a job interview and had two candidates - one fat and one slim I would try and be conscious that I might have pre-conceived biases against the fat person."

This is a very important observation and totally relevant to a job interview.

Italiangreyhound · 16/02/2017 02:41

(PS none of the things I've just mentioned mean it is anyone else's business who one finds attractive, of course.)

JungleInTheRumble · 16/02/2017 02:45

Italian I agree and I'd never dictate to anyone who they should find attractive. But I think being aware of inherent biases does no harm.

sibys1 · 16/02/2017 03:07

ItalianGreyhound - But the thread is about deciding whether someone is racist so shame does come into it.
The OP seems to be about whether-or-not it is racist to have a personal, sexual preference for a certain race. I think it can be, even for people who otherwise do not consider themselves to be racist. I don't think that would make the individual "a racist", but I think most people can be capable of subconscious racial biases, and those biases are often informed by societal factors.

I don't think there's a simple yes or no answer to the OP, but I think it's naive to completely dismiss the possibility that institutional racism may be a factor in shaping our personal preferences. I understand why many people are very reluctant to acknowledge it though.

Italiangreyhound · 16/02/2017 03:42

I agree jungle.

I do like the fact this thread is so civil.

It is a really interesting topic.

Sibys It's fine for us not to disagree.

I think we are arguing two different things.

The thread is debating "whether-or-not it is racist to have a personal, sexual preference for a certain race"

You are mentioning "I think it can be, even for people who otherwise do not consider themselves to be racist. I don't think that would make the individual "a racist", but I think most people can be capable of subconscious racial biases, and those biases are often informed by societal factors."

Where as I don't think one's personal preferences sexually are an issue about which a claim of racism can be leveled, even if they are informed by society and even if society is racist. I don't agree that one's personal sexual preferences are an area that can be judged as being racist or sexist because the job of any individual is not to be available to all, either physically or mentally/emotionally/sexually etc. In short, because a first date is not a job interview, and this is not even a date.

If someone were thinking evil thoughts about a certain race, that would be racist. Not wanting to sleep with someone is not evil.

Must go to bed. Night all.

tabulahrasa · 16/02/2017 06:42

Sibys... yes cultural standards of attractiveness very probably do influence who individuals are attracted to, but, the woman in questions type is Ed Sheeran's look - that's not a look that's particularly represented in the media, not a look that fits into what's considered conventionally attractive...

So for that woman, it's fairly safe to think that probably isn't the case with her.

Astoria7974 · 16/02/2017 06:46

Not fancying a particular man or woman isn't racist. Deciding you don't fancy an entire race kind of is. There are so many different types of look within a race that to close yourself off from it is kind of sad to me. For example 'white' can be used to described people from Scandinavian to Iranian/Indian origin.

Astoria7974 · 16/02/2017 06:47

Tabularasa - Ed Sheeran's look is considered very attractive in many parts of Afghanistan and Pakistan.

ForalltheSaints · 16/02/2017 07:10

Not racist in my view.

Datun · 16/02/2017 08:44

Italian

Datun maybe you just did not meet the right 'just so nice' one!

I did in the end!
Grin

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick · 16/02/2017 09:46

ed sheeran??????????????????????????

i'd have thought the one thing absolutely everyone could agree on was that he isn't remotely attractive Grin

Meeep · 16/02/2017 09:51

Sounds racist to me.
I know from previous threads I'm in the minority with that view though.

StandAndBeCounted · 16/02/2017 10:00

I have a strong preference for black men. When my fellow females are discussing white men being hot etc. my usual reply is 'Too pasty for me'

Am I a rascist? If so my mixed race kids are gonna be gutted

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/02/2017 10:02

waves at Meep!

BorrowedHeart · 16/02/2017 10:05

Sibys I probably am writing off every Indian man, until I meet one that I get to know and fall for (I'm in a relationship so not likely) then I can honestly say I am not and probably will not be attracted to an Indian man, or even an Asian man or a Chinese man, I just don't look at them in general and think "I'd go there". However I may not fancy Asian men in general etc but I have seen a few that have made me stop and look for a second loner than I otherwise would. I also said way back that I would never be with a black man as I just didn't see them as attractive to me, that changed when I met 1 (or two Wink) who I did fancy and would 'share a bed with'.

I have to ask though, and those who say we are shallow for not being attracted to everyone, would you suggest forcing people to be together? I mean isn't that borderline arranged marriage, is that what would be preferable to stating you don't find someone attractive, if it is I'm shocked.

StandAndBeCounted · 16/02/2017 10:19

*racist . . . geez! I had to come back to correct that or I couldn't live with myself

Italiangreyhound · 16/02/2017 12:32

Goesdown Ed is proving to be very popular here. Which either says we are all individuals or maybe the views that are offensive (and not controlled by any law) against red haired people generally (not sexually) are changing, or a bit of both!

IVFNewbie · 16/02/2017 12:33

Not racist.

MuseumOfCurry · 16/02/2017 12:36

ed sheeran??????????????????????????

i'd have thought the one thing absolutely everyone could agree on was that he isn't remotely attractive

A bit mean, isn't that?

Niskayuna · 16/02/2017 12:45

Yeah, racist.

But also, pretty disgusting you were talking that way anyway. Had a bunch of dads in the corner been talking about one of the mothers in that way you'd probably have been outraged. "Oh, check her out, yeah I'd give her one, what about you? Not my type, too fat." He's a father, there with his child, he isn't there to be perved over just as you are not there to be perved over by men.

Awful behaviour. Be classier.

tabulahrasa · 16/02/2017 13:00

"A bit mean, isn't that?"

In fairness, Ed Sheeran is not conventionally attractive...although apparently he is in Afghanistan and Pakistan? (Who knew)

JoanofNark17 · 16/02/2017 13:04

I think most people can be capable of subconscious racial biases, and those biases are often informed by societal factors

It's not that most people are capable, its that all of us all have subconcious racial biases. Every last one of us, of all colours. They are informed by societal factors but they are basically biological.
None of that makes a person racist though.

NavyandWhite · 16/02/2017 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnormousTiger · 16/02/2017 13:16

Thwere is a science to sexual attraction however - eg the 10 inch difference between bust, thinner waist, hips in men for women and in women for not wanting me with a 30 stone gut. That is not fattism and does not mean we would not offer people with weight issues a job although it might stop us hiring very slim Asian (or English for that matter) women with very very small breasts for a job advertising large bikinis for large breasted women I suppose.

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