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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in thinking this is not racist?

549 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:02

At a baby group, and one of the mothers starts commenting on a father who is there, mentioning how she wouldn't say no etc. Then asked what we think
One friend turned round and said no he isn't my cup of tea.
Original lady asked why
She responded she normally prefers white men, not black men.
Original lady tells her she should be disgusted in herself and having a view like that is highly racist. She then asked me do I agree if she was racist in what she said.

I told her I wouldn't view this as racist, just personal preference.
Is this actually racist? Or is original lady just being a bit over the top.

OP posts:

HerOtherHalf · 14/02/2017 14:22

herother thats a valid point, but then does that not open a massive can of worms? Preferring a skinny person compared to a fuller person would that not be fatist (is that even a word?)
Ruling somebody out because of their age would that not be ageist?

Age differences potentially have a lot of practical issues to consider so that may often be a perfectly reasonable factor to take into consideration.
As to people who wouldn't date someone because of their size, hair colour or other such things, I think they are also shallow. Would you be happy to find out that your OH was only with you because of the colour of your hair or the size of your boobs when you met?

imsotiredofmotherhood · 14/02/2017 14:24

I don't think you should have answered her question. But no, she's not racist.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/02/2017 14:24

Not necessarily racist, but definitely quite shallow.

SalmonFajitas · 14/02/2017 14:25

It does come across as a bit racist - I probably tend to be attracted to a certain type of person that might coincide with one race more than another but I wouldn't be unattracted to someone just because of their race.

TheNiffler · 14/02/2017 14:25

I don't think it is, in this particular circumstance. I only like very tall (6'2"+) dark haired men, any other man genuinely just doesn't 'register' for me. I'd personally include black men in that, but that's MY personal preference. Short, skinny white/asian/oriental men simply don't do anything for me.

imsotiredofmotherhood · 14/02/2017 14:26

YouHad Now I can't get Idris out of my head. God that guy is haawwt!!!!

Andrewofgg · 14/02/2017 14:26

It's not racist. Just as if I was single I would only date women and that's not sexist. You just can't apply the concepts of racism, sexism, disablism and the rest to choice in intimate or potentially intimate relationships.

NinjaLeprechaun · 14/02/2017 14:27

It sounds as though they were judging this man based entirely on looks, not debating his personality, so on that basis it's exactly the same as saying you prefer redheads to blonds or that you're generally attracted to tall men. Sexist maybe, but not racist.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 14/02/2017 14:30

They WBU to be perving over one of the other parents in the first place.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/02/2017 14:30

Would you be happy to find out that your OH was only with you because of the colour of your hair or the size of your boobs when you met?

I imaging this isn't why my DH is with me but it was probably why we had our first date.

A huge portion of relationships are initially based on sexual attraction - that's what draws the two people together in the first place which then allows a deeper relationship to form as they get to know each other.

I once dated someone who wasn't really my type but I gave it a chance because he was a really nice and funny guy. However it didn't work out because I simply didn't fancy him and I ended it after about 3 months.

Looks are important and there's nothing wrong with people having preferences.

PurpleMinionMummy · 14/02/2017 14:31

I only like men. I'm self confessed sexist

Rugbyplayersarehot · 14/02/2017 14:31

I don't find skinny men or oriental men attractive. That's my sexual preference. Friends absolutkry but sexual chemistry is different.

Strange conversation for a baby group.

HecateAntaia · 14/02/2017 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerOtherHalf · 14/02/2017 14:32

Here's another one for you then. I made very good friends with a work colleague some years ago. We hit it off big time and for several months were best buddies. Then, one evening, my wife and I got invited over to his for dinner. He had an extensive record collection and was very into music. He asked me what the last CD I bought was and I told him. He replied "Oh! I don't buy their music". "Who? Band x?" says I. "No, blacks" says he.
I thought he was joking at first though I didn't quite get the humour. Whilst he and his wife were in the kitchen I had a browse of his record collection and sure enough, despite him having hundreds of discs, there was not a single black artist or band amongst them. I got our coats and we left. I never spoke to him again other than to make it clear why I had no interest in continuing our friendship.

Was I wrong? Are some of you saying that was perfectly reasonable personal preference on his part? Bollox it was.

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:32

Herother I'm a firm believer in you're attracted too what you are. Some may call it shallow, but you can't help what you are attracted too. Should I date somebody who is 20+ years older than me, balding, doesn't groom himself and smaller than 5ft Who I would have no attraction too because that would make me shallow to not date him?
(just an example)

And no I wouldn't find my DH shallow, because he has his tastes and I obviously fell into his category of tastes.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2017 14:32

This thread has been done a lot over the years and the general consensus is normally no, it's not racist.

If she had said 'I could never fancy any black man ever', that would be racist because she would have written off a whole race of men, without having met them.

Thadius · 14/02/2017 14:33

Genuine question, why is it shallow to not find yourself attracted to someone certain hair colours attractive? I don't find blonde men attractive, never have, it is just how I feel. Surely I shouldn't force myself to feel another way just so I don't come across as shallow?

tabulahrasa · 14/02/2017 14:34

"As to people who wouldn't date someone because of their size, hair colour or other such things, I think they are also shallow. Would you be happy to find out that your OH was only with you because of the colour of your hair or the size of your boobs when you met?"

Well I've pretty much always assumed that he was interested to start with because he found me attractive...what else would someone have to go on before they knew me?

Sex/dating isn't an equal opportunities thing, if I don't fancy someone, I'm not sleeping with them just because they've a nice personality.

HerOtherHalf · 14/02/2017 14:34

I only like men. I'm self confessed sexist

Ha! Good one. Not that I'm comparing the statements, but it reminds me of a classic response off a guy I was chatting to on a forum once who I called out on his misogynistic views. He responded that he couldn't be a misogynist because his wife was a woman.

StrawberryShortcake32 · 14/02/2017 14:34

No its not racist at all just like I don't fancy blondes, never found them attractive at all. I'm not blondist! I just don't find them attractive.

So she has to pretend to be attracted to people she isn't just so some random lady doesn't get all offended?

Don't worry about it people are far to PC these days.

Thadius · 14/02/2017 14:34

Wow that sentence got mangled, sorry!

Oneiroi · 14/02/2017 14:35

It may be shallow, but not racist. Sexual preferences are discriminatory by nature, it's acceptable not to be attracted to someone for any kind of reason. Following the argument the lady was making to its logical conclusion we would all be required to have sex with anybody who desired us to, so as not to be unfair to them.

Sitting there objectifying fathers at a baby group is pretty low brow though.

almondpudding · 14/02/2017 14:35

It's just generally bad manners to mention the ethnicity of strangers unless it is absolutely essential to do so.

So bringing up in conversation was rude, but having a preference in sexual partner is not.

People sometimes say to me, isn't x or y hot? I do not say, no x or y is too old for my preferences, because that would be a rude thing to point out. It's maybe ageist to say it, but it isn't ageist to have a preference.

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:35

But on the other foot I have a lady friend who is white, has never been near a white man in her life. And often says " once you go black you never go back "
Is she racist? I often see ladies get a bit of stick if they state their normal preference is white but never for a woman who states her preference as black/Asian etc

OP posts:

rainingkitsandpups · 14/02/2017 14:36

Of course it isn't racist!! I don't fancy men all covered in tattoos. Or men with shaved heads. Or men that are much shorter than me. It's CHOICE.

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