AIBU in thinking this is not racist?

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

At a baby group, and one of the mothers starts commenting on a father who is there, mentioning how she wouldn't say no etc. Then asked what we think
One friend turned round and said no he isn't my cup of tea.
Original lady asked why
She responded she normally prefers white men, not black men.
Original lady tells her she should be disgusted in herself and having a view like that is highly racist. She then asked me do I agree if she was racist in what she said.

I told her I wouldn't view this as racist, just personal preference.
Is this actually racist? Or is original lady just being a bit over the top.

If I were a white woman who was only attracted to black men, would that be racist?

Of course not Joan, racism only works one way!!
Just like of there was a white bias equivalent to "once you go black you never go back" it would be considered racist

*Tackle what issue? Not enough women dropping their knickers for all and sundry?

It is hardly a pressing social problem.*
Tackle the issue of people forming racist preconceptions of, and subconscious biases against, people from certain groups. For me, it is a pressing social issue that white people continue to be perceived, on average, as more attractive and desirable than other racial groups (per the stats from online dating sites a few pages back).

And again, this isn't a particular women's issue. Sexual racism seems to be most prominent in the gay, male community (where there is a strong correlation between race and which partner is expected to be submissive in the bedroom).

Your link is about one American dating site.

Where is the evidence that white people are viewed as more sexually desirable in the UK?

Or that gay men in the UK think of Asian men as passive, especially given that Asian has a different meaning in the U.S. than the the UK?

almondpudding you make me laugh out loud, thank you, I needed that.

almodpudding - the over-educated.com link is a summary of some of the findings, in a book called Dataclysm, based on metrics from multiple online dating sites, not just one.

Re. The OKCupid link - OKCupid might be American-owned it is not used exclusively by Americans; I believe it's one of the more popular online dating sites in the UK.

...the one about draw dropping I meant, Almond.

It's a link to a load of nonsense.

Latino isn't even an ethnic group recognised in the UK, so how we can all be making judgements about the desirability of Latinos I do not know.

sibys "Italiangreyhound - if you accept that racism in our society probably does lead to people developing sexual racial biases, then surely you are accepting that a sexual preference for a certain race (or bias against another) can be a form of subconscious racism?"

No, because no one (NO PERSON, female or male) is required to make themselves sexually available to any other person, ever. Plus as sexual attraction is not something we can necessarily control how exactly would you like to tackle it. Whatever way you decide to tackle this 'issue' please do not allow it to be shaming women into anything, society does that enough already.

"but it is responsible for us to acknowledge that institutional racism can manifest in our individual preferences so we can try and understand and tackle the issue better."

Don't you think a whole bunch of men might have a vested interest in women fancying them more. How much do you want to spend your time serving the aims of men's (or women's) libidos?

Why not make your own choices about employment and service and friendship as racially neutral as possible, work for the rights of all who are oppressed and see if this has some sort of trickle down affect? But don't start shaming women because of some imagined 'problem' you think they are part of.

It really is no business of anyone who anyone fancies. Yes, it may be affected by attitudes in society. Maybe. Although actually isn't part of sexual attraction about wanting someone different, being attracted to someone you may not usually hook up with. That's fantasy, and it might move into reality for some. And maybe the attitudes are very much affected by patriarchy. Strong, manly, tall, men. What about short men? Don't you feel some sympathy for them? Or taller women? Or fatter women? Or anyone who might be disadvantaged in other people's sexual thoughts?

Because this is what we are talking about sexual thoughts. You do realise finding someone sexually appealing doesn't necessarily mean you respect them, or would give them a job, or treat them fairly!

I think it's a massive mistake to equate sexual attraction with any form of respect.

MommaGee "Tbh I think the person questioning why your friend didn't fancy him was being quote goady
Would she have been happier of shed commented on his arse or nose or bo? Sounds like she wouldnt have got offended regardless."

Totally agree! I think if the other woman had said anything non-committal it would have been assumed it was his ethnicity that was the 'issue' and she would have got slated too for not being honest!

It's so fucking ridiculous it's not true!

Women cannot even say who they would mythically want to shag without other people being offended or upset! We really have morphed into a society who thinks we have got the right to police each others thoughts. We don't need fucking 'Big Brother', we want to be inside each other's heads!

I'm glad you've found something to laugh about Italian!

Almond I used to be so PC but now I can't keep up! You can't even have a sexual preference without someone calling you out on it. Think of the Billions missing out on me because I'm stuck with dh!!!

There's two black men at my work (obviously there's more than two but in my immediate department) and whilst myself and a female colleague think one is really good looking, we don't see the same "potential" in the other; Does that make us half racists?

The idea that someone is a closet racist because they don't find someone physically attractive is ridiculous - Someone's skin colour wouldn't be a reason for me to decline to date them.

I may not date one particular bald man but then I could decide months later that another fella who just so happens to be as bald is "right up my street", (My boyfriend would have objections though).

The excessive analysing is akin to intentionally looking for tell tale signs of racism where none exist; Subjecting people to your own embedded over sensitivity is what causes problems.

If one wants to date a pink unicorn with zig zags and the other doesn't, so what! I desperately want to date Tom Hardy even though his hair is darker than "my usual" but I don't think I discriminated against dark haired previous potential suitors just because I now want to fuck the life out of the sexy Tom.

I'm more amazed by the delusion in that link that bottoming is so unpopular among gay men that Asians are being pressurised to bottom!

It's tops that are in short supply.

I drawing the line at baldness Emerald.

ItalianGreyhound - I'm not shaming anyone. I've said on multiple occasions that people shouldn't be condemned for their preferences because they generally can't be helped. I just think that we should recognise that racist, societal factors can shape our preferences.

One of the examples you gave is of fat women. There have been times in history where women who would be considered fat by today's standards were held up as attractive. We've now gone the other way and are bombarded by a media that tells us that only stick-thin women are attractive. Again, as with race, I think that the different portrayals of women of different sizes in the media helps to shape individual people's attitudes as to who is or isn't attractive.

Re. short men, whilst I think there may be biological factors as play (as could possibly be true for race to an extent, I honestly don't know), I do think that media portrayals help entrench the notion that short men are unattractive.

Most media with sexual content doesn't feature stick thin women.

There are various studies direftly linking media exposure with a preference for thinner women. I don't think it's a controversial statement to say that media exposure helps shape people's preferences.

I probably shouldn't have use the term 'stick-thin' though, so my apologies for that.

I think sibys has some really great posts and I agree with what she's saying. Yes it's fine to have a preference for a particular look but it's important to consider whether that preference could be influenced by the inherently racist nature of our society.

Comparing to a preference for eg hair colour, height etc I don't think is a fair comparison because those characteristics don't really have the same charged history as race (I don't think it's ever been illegal for a brown and a blonde haired person to marry, for example).

I'm not objecting to stick thin. I'm making the distinction between the very thin women who are deemed aesthetically pleasing in mainstream media and the more curvy women who are usually featured in media with sexual content (aka porn).

It is more complicated than desirable/not desirable.

Why is it important to consider, Rumble?

I'm not sure societal influences have much of an impact on who you fancy.

I have been attracted to people to whom society would have given the thumbs down - 'bad boys', married men, nutters, alcoholics. All a definite no-no from society at large.

One has absolutely no say in the matter.

Likewise I have tried my level best to drum up even the slightest sexual interest in someone because they were just so nice. Couldn't do it. Squeezed my eyes shut and chanted yes, yes, yes and everything.

But sadly I still got nuthin'.

sibys " I'm not shaming anyone." Good to know.

But the thread is about deciding whether someone is racist so shame does come into it. But happy to hear not from you.

almond pudding I think it's important to be aware of how your behaviour and thoughts are shaped by societal biases. Like if I was doing a job interview and had two candidates - one fat and one slim I would try and be conscious that I might have pre-conceived biases against the fat person.

Not that it will necessarily change your behaviour (particularly in a dating scenario) but the more we are all aware of the biases that others and ourselves face we can begin to overcome those biases.