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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking this is not racist?

549 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/02/2017 14:02

At a baby group, and one of the mothers starts commenting on a father who is there, mentioning how she wouldn't say no etc. Then asked what we think
One friend turned round and said no he isn't my cup of tea.
Original lady asked why
She responded she normally prefers white men, not black men.
Original lady tells her she should be disgusted in herself and having a view like that is highly racist. She then asked me do I agree if she was racist in what she said.

I told her I wouldn't view this as racist, just personal preference.
Is this actually racist? Or is original lady just being a bit over the top.

OP posts:
NarkyMcDinkyChops · 15/02/2017 13:06

Please don't try and define what feminism is for all of us, its not just yours to define.

Because I bet all the people talking a really big talk on this thread have never done that

I've personally never done that. Mainly because my personal preferences are not those addressed in the OP, so it would never come up for me. Would I specify that I don't find X attractive in front of a representative of X? Maybe, depending on context, I might.

I don't see that is the point though. Like I said upthread, sexual attraction is not an equal opportunity exercise, we don't need to give everyone a fair chance.

You need to decide whether its the lack of attraction that is racist, or the saying of it, or the context in which it was said, because they are all very different things and you are wandering all over the place with it.

ApplePaltrow21 · 15/02/2017 13:08

They were talking about how he looked, there are at the most two categories in your list that can be seen.

Attraction is a complex thing and can't just be boiled down to crude body parts. People may genuinely not be able to be sexually interested in people with certain traits.

Again, why can't I state this and argue it in conversation? Explain why this is wrong? Because surely that is policing women's sexuality and is just as wrong as this?

"I won't date people with children; I'm just not attracted to them - women's bodies change after children a lot. Can be physical.
I won't date people who were single moms; I'm just not attracted to them - see above. physical attraction
I won't date people with disabilities; I'm just not attracted to them - now explain why this is fine. it's clearly physical. I want you to defend this please
I won't date people with autism; I'm just not attracted to them - physical attraction again.
I won't date people from [insert geographical region here]; I'm just not attracted to them - accents are physical, right.
I won't date people who are overweight; I'm just not attracted to them - physical attraction clearly
I won't date people without a degree; I'm just not attracted to them - maybe not physical but could be a mental block to physical attraction
I won't date people who come from broken homes; I'm just not attracted to them" - ok, not physical but still a preference. what's wrong with preferences? Women have a right to state all preferences

Come on, let's not avoid the difficult parts. I'm in a baby group and a woman with no manners turns to me and states that she thinks X's husband is hot. I explain that I'm not attracted to men in wheelchairs or men with autism. Fine?

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 15/02/2017 13:10

I won't date people who were single moms; I'm just not attracted to them - see above. physical attraction

How is SINGLE mothers physical attraction? It's not, is it?

HerOtherHalf · 15/02/2017 13:10

I find it hugely misogynistic anyone should question this of her.

Oh ffs get a grip of yourself. I've seen obtuse attempts to defend an illogical position but that is scraping the bottom of the barrel. The debate would be the same regardless of the genders involved and, unless your DNA is part slug, you damn well know that.

You know what I think. I think you are of the same mind as the woman who inspired this thread and every bit a racist as she is. I would have more respect for you if you at least made a vague attempt to intellectually defend your side of the debate. Instead, you just churn out nonsense that you think passes for reason.

tabulahrasa · 15/02/2017 13:19

ApplePaltrow

None of those things you're trying to define as physical attraction are.

You can't tell if a woman has had children or if someone has a degree or most of those things by looking at them across a room.

You seem to be unable to differentiate between race as a value judgement and skin colour as a physical feature.

Yes they are often tied up with other and yes I'm sure people with prejudices will use generic I'm just not attracted to people who have/are x y and z to avoid specifically stating their prejudices.

But someone stating that they don't usually fancy black men as one segment of the 98% (possibly more) of men who are not pale and ginger isn't inherently racist.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/02/2017 13:37

ShoutOutToMyEx

Thanks, on this topic especially I do sometimes think I am in a parallel world on here sometimes!

I never forget the woman in Cornwall (I think) and her son said something rude about a black person and she was all flabbergasted that someone called on her innocent wee child on it! and everyone fucking agreed with her!!! Shock

anyway we are all enjoying the debate and remaining civil, no blood injuries-- yet!

ithakabythesea · 15/02/2017 13:45

But is it rude not to fancy someone? I don;t think it is, and I think women suffer for being bought up to believe having a sexual preference is ill mannered. That they have to be grateful for male attention and never hint that they have sexual desires of their own.

It is a woman's right to find any man unattractive. That is not rudeness, that is owning your sexuality.

tabulahrasa · 15/02/2017 13:50

"on this topic especially I do sometimes think I am in a parallel world on here sometimes!"

Usually i think if someone asks if something is racist on here, it is...

But when it comes to, when a woman looks at a man and thinks oh nice! Or, nope, not my cup of tea...that shouldn't be something other people get to make moral judgement on.

Katy07 · 15/02/2017 13:56

I won't date people with autism; I'm just not attracted to them - physical attraction again.
How is this a physical attraction? (I hadn't realised that I looked different too!) Confused

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 15/02/2017 14:09

It's not, Katy, that pp was just trying to bolster an argument. Neither autism or being a single mother or having a degree are physical attributes, I think we all know that.

NavyandWhite · 15/02/2017 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinjaLeprechaun · 15/02/2017 14:17

"Ninja very nasty assumptions about white men with Asian women!"
I'm sorry, I thought that my crossed-out comment about it either being irony or sarcasm would make it clear that the statement was both ironic and sarcastic on my part.

I have seen many genuine comments like that. With people assuming that it's always the case. And it makes roughly the same amount of sense to me as the assertion that not being generally attracted to a particular race is racist. I think it might even be the opposite side of the same problem.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 15/02/2017 14:18

I just don't fancy any person in a wheelchair is not disablist then Narky?

I'll answer that when you answer why "I'm not attracted to women" isn't homophobic.

NavyandWhite · 15/02/2017 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 15/02/2017 14:25

Is it?
So you said it wasn't ok to dismiss a section of the population based on their colour but it is ok to dismiss a section based on their sex.
You're straight, that is your in built sexual preference that you don't control. So who are you to say that another persons inbuilt sexual preference for pale guys isn't ok when yours is?

NavyandWhite · 15/02/2017 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ftlofg · 15/02/2017 15:00

Only on MN could having a physical sexual attraction to someone be described as shallow. Or having a type be described as racist. On the upside, this increases the chances of Tom Hardy having sex with me, as i have a great personality despite looking the the gruffolo's granny and thats what counts for physical attraction apparently Back in the real world however .....

ithakabythesea · 15/02/2017 15:16

Snigger at looking like the gruffalo's granny - I am sure she is lovely and cuddly and Tom Hardy would have to have sex with you or be vilely speciesist.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 15/02/2017 15:16

I'm straight

Well that's pretty sexist, and shallow, dismissing an entire group of the population based on their genitals...

bogofeternalstench · 15/02/2017 15:19

I also generally don't find black attractive either but it's nothing to do with the colour of their skin. I am turned off by big lips, no matter the colour of them, and a lot of black people have bigger lips than average. I find Elvis Presley physically very unattractive for the same reason.

However, my husband is mixed race, black and white, with fairly dark skin and an Afro. He doesn't have big lips & I find him devastatingly attractive. None of my exes had big lips either. It'a just a physical preference. Not racist in the slightest.

BillSykesDog · 15/02/2017 15:38

This exact same thread was posted a few weeks ago.

Bambambini · 15/02/2017 15:41

It's actually ok if i feel i don't want to date or have sex with someone who uses a wheelchair.

Katy07 · 15/02/2017 15:45

I am turned off by big lips That reminds me of Leslie Ash when she had that awful trout pout done - definitely went off her then. Smile
(is that discriminating against trout?!)

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 15/02/2017 15:54

I asked you whether dismissing all men in wheelchairs was disablist

And I told you I would answer that when you answered my question first, which you did not.

NavyandWhite · 15/02/2017 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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