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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit much at some one else's house

184 replies

Nicpem1982 · 14/02/2017 12:12

Posted on here for traffic really but if I'm bu I'm prepared to be told

When do children show a preference to learning styles?

Dds 2.5 and we had some friends over yesterday around the same age we've been friends since dcs we're 6 months old and get on well.

I went to pop the dcs lunch out and a friend agreed to keep and eye on my dd no problem.

I went back into the living room 5 mins later and friends dc had literally taken everything out and was throwing it around the room much to the 😱 Of the other who were there trying to protect their dcs from flying toys.

When I said "wow looks like you guys have had fun! Shall we choose one toy to keep out and pop the rest away?" His mom said he's a kinaesthetic learner and she won't stop him making a mess???

So my question is aibu to think this friend just being lazy or is this a thing?

Incidentally when she left after lunch she didn't clear up and the house was carnage

OP posts:
Jux · 14/02/2017 19:04

"He can learn however he looks likes in his house; in my house, he learns to tidy up as he goes along." is your response to her kinaesthetic nonsense. Do they leave the kinaestheitcmlearners to chuck stuff about at school? No. He needs to learn, verbally, aurally anyally.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 14/02/2017 19:20

Jux - I like that response

OP posts:
Brighteyes27 · 14/02/2017 19:21

Haven't read all replies. Agree with 'Evening Shadows'. Once had a boy in DS's class round when he was in year One age/5/6. Me and his mum had a coffee downstairs. The boy completely trashed both DS's room and DD's room. We were mid way through an extension. His mum went to the upstairs loo before she left and said something like 'looks like they've had some fun upstairs (chortle, chortle)...anyway we better be off now. I am not precious, especially with the building work ongoing and I like the kids to have fun. When they left I made tea. But honest to goodness both rooms were completely trashed with everything from almost every surface, cupboard, wardrobe and draws pulled out. I have had lots of kids round and no one has ever made so much mess. I could have cried when I saw it. It took my self, my husband and both kids hours to tidy up. He was never invited back. Throughout school he behaved very badly and had few friends.
His mum behaved the school, various teachers and various kids for everything.

catcatcatcat · 14/02/2017 19:22

I haven't RTFT so apologies if someone has said this but "learning styles" is a widely discredited educational theory. Tell her to do some research!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 14/02/2017 19:40

It's a shame as this dc was a very sweet baby and I know that we pander to our dcs I'll hold my hands up to pandering to my dd (drove 90 mile round trip at the weekend to a Disney store as they were the only one to have a certain teddy in stock and my dd had earned a prize for good behaviour and chose this item)

But I still feel that there need to be boundaries and he's only 2.5 now and I dread to think what will happen with no guidance from his parents

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 14/02/2017 20:05

Your response to me OP that you didn't want a stand off - no need for a stand off a simple and justified response to her 'kinaesthetic learner' comment would be "Not in my house and if that doesn't suit perhaps you should leave." Especially so as your dd was clearly distressed by what he was doing to her toys - you need to stand up and advocate for your dd not tiptoe around someone else and allow her possessions to be treated with disregard.

Your dd, her possessions, your house - put these first and not the feelings or desires of others.

Tabymoomoo · 14/02/2017 20:09

Sounds like lazy parenting to me!
I have a friend like this except she hasn't used the excuse of "kinaesthetic learning" she just weakly says "stop doing that darling, don't throw that, don't empty that box etc etc" but never follows through. Her son is now 5 and still devastates our house when he is over. She just says "he's very physical bless him" and laughs.
He also has a tendency to break toys and I find I just don't invite them over much in the winter as I can't face it. Shame as I get on well with the mum generally and our dc get on well most of the time (when her ds is not destroying our toys or hitting my dc).

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 14/02/2017 20:10

Red dog - I was a little taken aback by it all tbh. They left shortly after lunch.

OP posts:
GallivantingWildebeest · 14/02/2017 20:12

Being a kinaesthetic learner means learning best by learning practically - experiments, hands-on learning etc. Not making a mess and running amok!! It is actually a thing. Ds learns best like that . (And I don't let him whizz around making a mess in someone else's house.)

BaconMaker · 14/02/2017 20:16

Dear- my living room only has toys at a reachable height as it's deliberately set up to promote order (😂) and so dd has access to her toys without having to ask for assistance this way she can pick and chose what she wants to play and for how long and as everything has a specific "home" it's easy for her to find and to put away

If your DD "likes order" though then that's probably mostly her temperament - not to do with stellar parenting. I do think you're a bit precious if you're worrying about a toddler making mess. Are you possibly exaggerating a bit about his behaviour (just because I've seen a few posts from you about playdate guests who behaved terribly)?

Toddlers are creative so will want to play with the train set and the lego and building blocks and explore everything all at once - especially new and exciting toys. If things were actually getting broken or someone was getting hurt that's obviously out of order but if your DD was just upset because he was playing more rambunctiously than she would I don't see the problem.

Obviously other mum and her DC should have helped tidy up before they left and it's your house your rules so if you say only x number of toys out at a time then she has to go along with it but it would be a bit of a bummer on a playdate if their were loads of visible toys that aren't to be touched (obviously most people put away special toys before the playdate).

tobecontinued2000 · 14/02/2017 20:16

My son did this to me once at a play date, I was mortified. We tidied up the ones he had thrown and I told him if he threw another toy then we were leaving. He didn't throw a single thing after that.

Your friend is being ridiculous, she should have dealt with the situation instead of making excuses.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/02/2017 20:20

If he's a "kinesthetic learner", all he's learning in chucking toys about is how to chuck toys about. And all the "visual learners" in the room will be learning how to chuck toys about by watching him.

Next time you could respond with "Well how about he kinesthetically learns how to play nicely instead?"

However, there is no sound empirical evidence for learning styles. We all learn in many different ways, and while some people believe they have a particular style, robust research does not support the belief. All people learn better when they learn through multiple methods.

Some kids are more energetic than others though, playing quietly for long lengths of time is harder for some than for others. The mum might have become used to things being thrown around indoors if she can't or won't get him outside enough. But the kinesthetic learner phrase probably sounds better to her since we do seem to frown a little on kids who can't control themselves well, even as our culture becomes unhealthily sedentary.

Sunbeam18 · 14/02/2017 20:25

I don't know any 2.5 year olds who bring out one toy, play with it, and then return it to its proper place, tbh! All play dates I've known with kids of this age result in all the toys being emptied out. The host either clears up later (on assumption same rules apply at the reciprocal play date) or everyone mucks in to tidy up at leaving time.

Yogimummy123 · 14/02/2017 20:28

Kids will be kids & but saying that at 2 mine could/can tidy up.
Absolutely no excuse for the mum not helping to clear up tho - I'd always do that even if it weren't my kids making the mess, is the least I'd do!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 14/02/2017 20:29

Bacon- definitely not stellar parenting on my part regarding the set up of my house just deliberate planning as I think it's important that children have access to the toys they want to play with.

The bit I've taken exception to is the deliberate throwing of the toys and the mothers response to it.

If you think I'm exaggerating pm me your address and I'll set you up a play date with them and you can report back.

If you've read my updates through out this thread you'll see I've hosted them during messy play and the mess isn't an issue and neither is multiple toys out when they're actually being played with.

I do like to ensure that my dds toys are looked after and always put away and once they've been played with they're checked once she's in bed to ensure that no pieces are lost. But we spend a decent amount of money on good quality toys so I want her to be able to maximise them but if that's precious then so be it.

OP posts:
Dumbassmummy · 14/02/2017 20:31

Kinaesthetic learners Learn by carrying out physical activities rather than listening to lectures etc. I don't think a child destroying everything in their path can be described as kinaesthetic learning 😂

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 14/02/2017 20:35

Sunbeam - I don't mind multiple toys out as long as they're being played with

OP posts:
ReasonsToBeModeratelyHappy · 14/02/2017 20:35

My DS had a friend who did this - he called it 'making a dump' and got everything out all over the floor - his mum didn't mind, and cleared it all up for him at her house, left it at mine...

The second time he tried it at my house, I just said firmly that we don't do that at our house, and found them a specific thing to do for a bit. I was probably lucky, but he accepted it...my own DC had started to copy him, so it was going to have to be my way or the highway!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 14/02/2017 20:36

she does not believe in using the word 'no' as it is damaging to self esteem, that sort of thing.

Blimey. Imagine how long the school holidays would feel if you could never say "no" to the DCs Blush.

diddl · 14/02/2017 20:38

I find it incredible that other parents just shielded their kids & said nothing.

Are they all so desperate to keep on the good side of his mum?

Not his fault, I know, but he wouldn't be visiting again until she didn't stay as well.

Love to know what he learnt by just chucking stuff!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 14/02/2017 20:38

Boom- we do a tonne of outdoor activities in the better weather and both my dd and her ds really enjoy themselves as they both love to explore and climb

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 14/02/2017 20:41

Diddl - they see her more than me. They responded by removing their children out of the way

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/02/2017 20:41

Kinesthetic doesn't equal 'throwing' by the way... Grin

maddiemookins16mum · 14/02/2017 20:47

So now there's a new description for kids running amok and throwing toys everywhere and the mum sitting there doing nothing. Kinaesthetic learner or boisterious (pretty normal at times) toddler and indulgent mum? I know which one I'd say.

Beeziekn33ze · 14/02/2017 20:47

I guess nursery will just love his kinaesthetic learning style!

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