Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Lads holiday 8 weeks after giving birth'

180 replies

Beesandbutterflies327 · 13/02/2017 14:29

My boyfriend wants to go away with his mates to a festival (getting wasted and drugged up in a field😡) 6/7 weeks after I've given birth to my (he has another child aged 1) first child, he seems to think this is his right and I could go away but I've 'chosen' to breastfeed therefore it's my fault that I can't go out without the baby, I feel like he's acting like a man with no responsibilities as he says it's my job to look after the baby during the days and the nights and I feel like he's just going to come and help at the easy parts then tell me it's easy and why am I complaining, he chose to have this baby with me so why do I feel like all the responsibility is on me and he can go out doing what ever he likes, when I speak to him about it then he says he can do what he wants and I can't tell him what to do (I never have and never would) he's almost 30 but acting like a 20 year old AIBU should I just let him go? I just feel like when you have kids you have family holidays until your kids are older, we really couldn't afford 2/3 different holidays a year

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 13/02/2017 15:16

Let him go and change all the locks while he's away.

Yes, this.

OP, you should have perhaps asked more questions about this 1 year old he has with another woman and why he does not seem to take any responsibility there, but that can't be changed now.

What can be changed are the locks.

Seriously, this man has TWO children, and still thinks he can go on festivals? What does he mean it is your fault because you have decided to breastfeed? Who would look after the baby if you went to the festival with him? Or would he stay at home and bottle feed? Somehow, I don't think that's likely.

What about his 1 year old? Is that baby still being breastfed, or why is it that he doesn't have any responsibilities there?

Let him go. Forever.

SmellySphinx · 13/02/2017 15:17

He's going to go wether you like it or not. Sorry you're in this position he sounds like an immature, selfish twat. Been there!

Onemorewonthurt · 13/02/2017 15:18

Your entire post sounds terrible.

Why in the world did you make a baby with this drug taking loser? He already had a newborn!

I'd tell him to go to the festival... and not to come back

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 13/02/2017 15:20

I would be more worried about him coming back than only going for a weekend.

I don't think the OP will be back though...

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2017 15:21

He'll do whatever he wants. Don't see a bright future here

steff13 · 13/02/2017 15:22

I don't think it's a big deal, you can probably handle it on your own. That said, I agree with PP; it sounds like you need to get used to doing it on your own anyway.

Original poster
Beesandbutterflies327 · 13/02/2017 15:25

He's normally an amazing dad and partner, he stopped the drugs after getting with me and hardly goes out any more (his choice) of course I knew that he did this before I got with him! I would like to point out that he broke up with his ex before baby was born as she was a bloody psycho and likes to try and trap men with babies (she has another kid to another dad) he has a really good relationship with his child once the ex had stopped being psycho over the fact he'd moved on, this baby was an accident (2 forms of contraception failed) but we both agreed to keep the baby xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Beesandbutterflies327 · 13/02/2017 15:27

This little one isn't here yet, got a few more months to go, other child will be nearly 2 when this ones here xx

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 13/02/2017 15:28

Oh dear Bees

He's just like his ex now isn't he, trying to trap women with babies, having two so close together with two different women, what a psycho he must be...

steff13 · 13/02/2017 15:28

Oh my.

Megatherium · 13/02/2017 15:29

How is he an amazing dad if he proposes to leave all the child care to you, both day and night, and think's it's fine to go off for a druggy and alcoholic weekend when the baby may be only 6-8 weeks old?

Trifleorbust · 13/02/2017 15:30

You can't argue with stupid, OP.

CaoNiMa · 13/02/2017 15:30

More red flags here than a Communist revolution.

ginnybag · 13/02/2017 15:30

OP, have you ever met the ex?

Actually met and spoken to her without him being around?

I ask ' cause 'she's a psycho' is line one used by every dead beat dad ever.

Seriously, it is. Look at this for me:

You say: He stopped drugs when he got with me.

I hear: he was taking them regularly until then.

Which means his ex would say: He was a drug-taking deadbeat he couldn't even stop for our baby.

Given that he is now prioritising going and taking drugs at the festival than staying how with your newborn, I'm afraid, OP, that you might find its not the ex who's the 'psycho' but your partner.

Say no. Tell him if he goes, he doesn't come back - and see what he says next.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 13/02/2017 15:30

He's normally an amazing dad

Who says it's your job to care for the baby day and night, and is leaving his partner with an 8 week old baby, despite her explaining she doesn't want to be left and isn't happy, so he can go do drugs in a field with his mates.

No, he's not an amazing dad. He's a man who likes cuddling and playing with a baby on his terms, so long as there's no actual work or responsibility or putting himself out involved. Sad It's so sad all the women on this forum stuck with these bloody infantile, useless men.

evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt · 13/02/2017 15:30

Tell him he can go and not to bother coming back.

If he is planning on going to this festival & getting off his face on drink & drugs whilst telling you that it's YOUR responsibility to look after the baby and YOU have chosen not to go because of breastfeeding then he really isn't an amazing Dad, he is a colossal twunt and you/your baby deserve better than to have to deal with this waste of space.

I hate when men are happy to get someone pregnant but don't want to deal with the consequences and step up to the mark.

Foxysoxy01 · 13/02/2017 15:31

He sounds like an amazing dad and partner.

It's really good of him to give up the drugs and that he hardly goes out anymore.

Poor bloke having such a psycho ex, there are many of those around you know the type! Wants partner to pull their weight with the baby, to not go away 8 weeks after the birth for a jolly with mates, to actually want to be a grown up. Those type of exs really boil my piss.

I wouldn't worry OP as you said he is amazing and he just needs some time out with his mates so stop nagging and start being a cool wife ffs
HmmConfusedAngry

JuneBuggy · 13/02/2017 15:32

Bees, I'm sorry but this doesn't sound good. I'm guessing he wasn't hands on with DC1 as they'd already split up so is completely underestimating the work required to care for a newborn? I'm afraid it does sound like he's a real deadbeat dad in the making.

As for the drugs bit, has he told you he will be doing them there? If so, why are you with this loser who will happily put his DCs at risk of not having a Father for much longer?

I think you need to seriously consider whether you want to be with this man who seems to have little or no care for you and his DCs Sad

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 13/02/2017 15:32

Cross post...... the baby isn't even born yet?

So the 'it's your job to care day and night' is information he's already laid down for you?!

Chloe84 · 13/02/2017 15:35

You said he chose to have the baby with you in your first post but then say baby was an accident. Do you mean he chose not to leave you when he found you were pregnant? What a king amongst men.

I would like to point out that he broke up with his ex before baby was born as she was a bloody psycho and likes to try and trap men with babies (she has another kid to another dad)

Let me guess...he told you his ex is a man trapping psycho.

Well he's soon going to have 2 kids by 2 mothers. Maybe he likes to trap women with babies.

And he hasn't quit drugs if he's going on this lad's holiday to get drugged up and wasted.

Imhavingcheesefries · 13/02/2017 15:36

Devils advocate. My ex DP has a child with me who's only 1 (nearly 2). It became obvious we were increasingly unhappy and we split when she was 9 months old. I wasn't abandoned with a baby at all.

He is a wonderful, involved father. He also goes to festivals a few times a year with his mates are probably does a few pills (as a lot of normal adults do without being druggies Hmm).

It's not like he's going a few days after birth. And you are choosing to breastfeed (as I did) which does limit your freedom for a while. Why is it a tit for tat thing?! I can't go so neither should you?

ReadyPlayerOne · 13/02/2017 15:36

He's being selfish, to answer your OP, but that's just the tip of the red flags he's giving off.

Birdsgottaf1y · 13/02/2017 15:38

"" I feel like he's just going to come and help at the easy parts then tell me it's easy and why am I complaining, he chose to have this baby with me""

Has he tried to say that his ex got pregnant without his consent? How does he Parent his first? Does he have the baby handed over, dressed and fed, for a couple of hours, then hands the baby back?

It's a conversation around responsiblity, that you need to have. He's told you that he won't just generally be around, if there's a night/weekend out on the cards. But you need to know if he intends to to co-parent.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/02/2017 15:39

Do you have independent evidence that his ex 'has babies with men to trap them' - or is this just a line he is spinning you, to explain why he has walked out on his ex and their baby - and all the responsibilities of being a father and a partner.

My guess would be this is the line he has spun you, to make his deadbeat dad-ness look better.

With this festival, at a time when you will have a tiny baby, he is showing you that he has NO intention of prioritising his baby and younover his fun. He has not prioritised his responsibilities towards his ex and her baby.

Are you seeing a pattern here yet? Most of us are.

I do not think he is going to step up to his responsibilities, and I think this festival, drugged up weekend is a very, very clear signpost to the sort of parent and partner he is going to be. Sorry.

EllaHen · 13/02/2017 15:40

You do realise that you are the 'psycho ex' when he impregnates woman no 3? What with your high expectations an all.