Asking men to sign a consent form before sex - WIBU (slight TMI I suppose)

[MagentaHalfMoon]

I have recently have some bad experiences with men during sex in terms of consent. One would keep on doing things I explicitly said I did not like (choking, biting etc), and another would hold me down and have sex with me without a condom, even if I begged him to put a condom on. This has completely thrown me off casual sex. But lately I have wanted to try again. Would I be unreasonable to have them sign a form saying something like:

"I agree to the following statements:

-(Various ways of saying No means No, such as "I don't like that means No", "I am not sure I want you do that means No")

-Penetrative sex will always be with a condom. No "teasing", pulling out or anything of the like.

-No choking or biting unless agreed upon

Signed: _"

WIBU?

Cross posted Magenta. Like I said, I'm sorry if what i wrote came across badly. It is explicitly his fault and the suggestions on using things other than Tinder from several posters were I believe meant as how to get your needs met not telling you to stay in because men will be men

I have no problem with casual sex. DH and I met when I was a virgin and wanted to try casual sex didn't bank on falling in love in the process.

I really don't care if a man or women wants casual sex 7 days a week.

But casual sex is more risky, especially off the Internet.

user1486669405 hahahhahhhaaaa. Sorry, couldn't resist. Of course people who don't wear revealing clothing and who stay inside all day don't get raped (yeah right). Or as a PP said, they get a different kind of rape....whatever the fuck that is??!

Lubey everything you said x 100

And to whoever said sex is a want not a need, google Maslow's Theory

casual sex is more risky, especially off the internet

is it? I'd be genuinely interested to know if rape by a known man was more prevalent with OLD. Or if rape by known men was more likely in a casual sex scenario.

I think that consent form could do you more harm than good, actually. It screams out that you have sex with lots of men, that you don't know very well. So, that wouldn't look great in Court. Also, it would scare the absolute shit out of any nice normal guys.

Your only option, is to stop having sex with men that you don't know well enough, to know whether they are respectful of your boundaries.

Japab - so no/fewer during secret liaisons in those cultures?

Everyone who is even hinting that the OP had even a ounce of culpability in her attack is colluding with the male who felt entitled to rape her.

Oh and I'd like to hug the op too. I'm also probably old enough to be her mum too! And shock horror, despite being an aging type I could also well imagine desiring a causal hook up, were I not married. I'd probably far prefer those to actually being in a relationship.

OP l am sorry you were raped and if possible you should report it.

l am rather agast at the idea you would have sex with men that you feel require a consent and behaviour contract, just to satisfy your sex drive....

That does sound very risky....can you really not DIY until you find a decent man you can get to know before sex?

Do people think that women who live in cultures that require complete coverage and little integration with males get raped any less than over here?

No. But in those cultures, the legal system blames women for being raped by strangers, too.

In cultures where women are only blamed for date rape, one can achieve relative safety by avoiding dates, as men whom one does not date will be somewhat deterred from raping by the fact they could be brought to justice.

I called rape crisis and I will get a call back to make an intelligence gathering.

Well done Magenta. I hope you find it helpful.

lubeybooby Get out of your preachy high ivory tower

OP, you are entitled to have the sex life you wish without being coerced, violated and abused. Unbelievable some of the replies on here. This is an good example of one of the many reasons rapes and sexual assault aren't reported.

Stop talking suck offensive fucking bollocks.

Not one person has said it's ok that she was raped because she has casual sex. Stop putting words in people's mouth. It is unfair, especially on the OP.

I don't know why a few of you are determined to twist things to see it your way.

If my daughter was having casual sex and was raped and had other horrible encounters I would advise her to hold off on casual sex with men she barely knows for her own health and safety. It doesn't excuse the disgusting bastard's behaviour.

Having casual sex with people on Tinder is risky. In a perfect world OP would go out and have sex with as many strangers as she likes and no one would take advantage of her. It's not a perfect world is it? I for one am not going to tell her to carry on doing what she is doing when it has lead to awful experiences. I am not going to say 'you go girl, you keep having causal sex' because men shouldn't take advantage of her. They have, and some might again.

I am sorry OP

SmileEachDay - It perpetuates the idea that women are responsible. Every time a disclosure of rape is met with "have you thought about doing X/Y/Z differently" it chips away at the truth that rapists hold all the responsibility.

In an ideal world women should be safe whatever they do and wherever they go - unfortunately we live in the real world where women always have, and always will have to take steps to safeguard themselves. We don't live in an ideal world, and we are physically weaker than men, and men can hurt us. So yes, say do XYZ differently if it keeps you safe. Saying: well, I don't think I should have to do XYZ to keep myself safe will mean absolutely nothing if you've already been hurt. It's not chipping away at anything, it's just plain common sense!

Name-changed for this. I hope you are okay, op. I ended up seeing someone. He had told me he could not have children. I used to drink heavily & he was always pestering me for sex. On the nights I was really drunk (and passed out) he used to help himself. A pregnancy ensued, which he said couldn't be his as a) he'd only ever had consentual sex with me and b) he could not have children.

I carried on with the pregnancy (against the will of the police, hospital, family) and now I have a lovely girl. I managed to successfully prosecute him..

I blame myself every day. I'm not excusing the man's shitty behaviour but I was given a thousand red flags, and that need to feel wanted, far outweighed any potential danger I faced.

Counselling helped a lot. I have learnt to love myself.

Sorry for the rant, and in no way, op was I blaming you. Men know not to rape & they (some will) still do it. If anything, the consent form may make you feel that you have some control; especially if they sign it. But that would not stop them doing all the things you requested them not to after signing. And if anything, you cannot prove that they did not do those things after the signature is there. Maybe get them to sign after the deed is done, but, again how to you enforce it?

Sorry for the rant. I will name change back & watch this thread.

There are two things here, what you do about the past and what you do about the future. You can report your previous partners. They abused you.

For safe future partners, could you ask friends? You have one FWB already, does he know anyone else? Do your girlfriends have friends they think are safe they could introduce you to?

I think you really need to choose more carefully who you have sex with in future. To seek out casual sex implies little care care is taken over the character of the person you are having sex with, and that can undoubtedly result in some very serious episodes. The next episode could be much worse, so I would look to make friends who would be happy to have uncomplicated but consensually agreed sex.

Getting someone to sign a form is no protection at all. Sitting and discussing clearly what you do and don't want would be far more sensible. Rather than strangers meet up with 'regulars' who have similar needs and sexual tastes.

Well said U2HasTheEdge

And namechangedname and any one else on here who has suffered abuse, i am deeply sorry and i applaud you telling your stories.

Hmm. In my casual sex days, I awoke to find my ONS had a variety of Axes wall mounted in the hall. He was fine, but it gave me a wake up shake.

Good luck with rape crisis, they were brilliant for me even when the police were beyond shite.

It is never your fault when something like that happens and I completely understand where you're coming from with the consent form.
When I had a 'play partner' arrangement with a certain man, I did everything right. Checked he was alright with mutual friends, chatted first about non sex things, hung out with him and his girlfriend (it was supposed to be a threesome), arranged what acts we were going to do in advance and then he proceeded to do a whole host of degrading things I didn't consent to.

I basically had the equivalent of your form over text message, and the police didn't give a shit because in this culture, it's always your fault. Apparently, if I didn't fight back hard enough, if I consented to PIV, he might not have realised I wasn't consenting.

We need to change this awful attitude. Men are not completely unaware morons blundering through life (well, most of them.) They should know if you've said you want to do x, x is what will happen. If they veer off to y, that is their responsibility, not yours.

Well put, Rix

Threads like this make me feel so depressed. There seem to be a generation of men coming of age that just view women as a selection of holes.

It seemed to me when I was younger (in the early 00s) that things were more equal in the bedroom. But maybe I was just lucky and naive.

I'm sorry for what happened to you op, and other people who have shared their experiences. .

I think I would be upfront with the next man you meet, tell him that you are worried because of a bad past experience, and tell him you don't want to do anything without a condom etc. You may get less men agreeing to sleep with you, but you would be weeding out at least some of the scumbags.

Sorry X post with rix. God that's awful. What an utter shit heap** your 'play partner' is.

I agree men need to take much more responsibility for the acts they are performing. They are fucking raping and it's the woman's fault for not being clear enough!

Something needs to be done.

Not one person on this thread has said rape is ok or that the OP is to blame.

Some of us have expressed concern that she is repeating a pattern of behaviour which has resulted in violent crime and to continue to do so may well put her at risk again. Not ideal, for sure because she should be free to have sex with 100strangers a week if she wishes and remain safe. But that's just not how it is in reality.

If you walk around Barcelona with your bag unzipped you will almost definitely get your purse stolen. Fact. There are Bad people out there. The only sensible action is to minimise risks.

OP, you sound as if you are seeking intimacy though frequent sex with men you don't know which sounds highly unsatisfying at best. This leaves a sense of emptiness which needs filling again. A vicious cycle, and it is vicious. Please seek some counselling about your intimacy issues and needs. Possibly consider a period of celibacy and focus on valuing yourself. Then consider an actual relationship in which sex is just one part of your intimacy. I promise you it's a better way forward than dangerous liaisons with risky and traumatic outcomes.

Best wishes.

It's okay badabing- a few years after the fiasco he happened to message me again and I explained to him exactly what he did, and exactly why it was wrong. Exactly how it made me feel, and how much better my life is now I don't give predatory little shits like him the time of day.

It won't work for everyone but it ended with him apologising in tears. I felt as though I'd taken the power back- especially as the police never bothered to speak to him, so from what he was saying I gather he will be worrying about that for some time :)

Oh Matilda I couldn't have put it better. We should guard our hearts.