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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking men to sign a consent form before sex - WIBU (slight TMI I suppose)

156 replies

MagentaHalfMoon · 13/02/2017 13:24

I have recently have some bad experiences with men during sex in terms of consent. One would keep on doing things I explicitly said I did not like (choking, biting etc), and another would hold me down and have sex with me without a condom, even if I begged him to put a condom on. This has completely thrown me off casual sex. But lately I have wanted to try again. Would I be unreasonable to have them sign a form saying something like:

"I agree to the following statements:

-(Various ways of saying No means No, such as "I don't like that means No", "I am not sure I want you do that means No")

-Penetrative sex will always be with a condom. No "teasing", pulling out or anything of the like.

-No choking or biting unless agreed upon

Signed: _"

WIBU?

OP posts:
xStefx · 13/02/2017 13:44

OP, I would say you have had the unfortunate luck of coming across some awful people. I can understand why you feel like asking people to sign that but a scum bag wouldn't care less what he signed and I doubt would adhere to it.

stay away from Tinder and any free ones. Maybe spend a little more time getting to know them first before deciding if they seem respectful.
OP it sounds like you were raped. Im so sorry for your experiences.

piefacerecords · 13/02/2017 13:44

Magenta I don't think it makes any difference. Either way you are left having to prove that something was done that you didn't agree to. Either way you have been raped and are left having to deal with the emotional and physical aftermath.

It doesn't stop it happening in the first place which is surely the whole point.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 13/02/2017 13:47

I don't think getting anyone to sign a piece of paper before sex, would count for anything tbh. No I don't believe it would be legally binding.

Thing is with sex things do change and your form for example would say no choking but just because that is signed it does not prove you didn't change your mind and want choking during sex. I'm not saying you would but that would be the argument.

Then you have the awkwardness of it too, imagine being on a date and someone gives you a form to sign.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2017 13:48

FFS, get a vibrator and wait to have sex with someone until you actually speak to them about what is about to happen.

MommaGee · 13/02/2017 13:49

I'm so sorry OP but casual sex is not rape and that was rape. I hope you've had yourself checked for STI's?

If you have needs can I (and absolutely not being sarcastic or mean) suggest a trip to Ann summers?

If you're home in between and you want intimacy is there someone who you could have more of a sex buddy relationship with? So no strings, no issues when you're away but also someone you know and trust.

Unfortunately meeting random guys for sex is putting yourself in huge huge danger

allchattedout · 13/02/2017 13:51

No, this is not legally binding at all. It will add nothing because what you have described is rape/assault and it doesn't matter whether a contract was signed. Plus, despite what 50 shades says, sexual contracts are not legal in this jurisdiction.

How about you vet your hookups a bit better than you currently do. OR, and i can't believe I am suggesting this, but consider using a male escort. What you're doing at the moment is not very different- ie sleeping indiscriminately with strangers to satisfy a physical need. If you pay an escort, they will at least act within the boundaries of what you want and are much more likely to have regular STD checks. And they will use a condom.

KathArtic · 13/02/2017 13:51

Is this real?

This has completely thrown me off casual sex. But lately I have wanted to try again. Well do so at your own risk.

This is shocking. I think you should avoid casual sex and find a man who respects you.

derxa · 13/02/2017 13:51

If you'd given these horrors a form to sign I don't think they would have stayed five seconds. Honestly you need to keep away from casual sex altogether. I think it's damaging in so many ways.

isupposeitsverynice · 13/02/2017 13:52

OP there's already laws about consent - if your rapists weren't bothered about them, why would a contract stop them?

Please get some counselling for the rapes. And get rid of tinder. Sex isn't actually a need - you will survive without it just fine.

user1478860582 · 13/02/2017 13:53

As a bloke would I sign it? Not a chance. You'd be going home alone.

Imagine if a bloke asked you to sign a form to say you'd given consent as he didn't trust you not to accuse him of rape after. You'd be rightly horrified and offended.

Original poster
MagentaHalfMoon · 13/02/2017 13:54

MommaGee Yes, I get checked for STIs regularly. Once every other month for both a swap and a blood test. I have always been clean. There has only been one guy without a condom, the one who held me down.

I do have a sex buddy, but I only see him maybe once a week. And he is lovely and wouldn't do something I wouldn't be okay with and vice versa. So that helps.

And yep, I guess Ann Summers is the way to go. Have a vibrator from there.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 13/02/2017 13:54

Oh sweetie I honestly don't think making a man sign your form would make a tiny bit of diffrence and it wouldn't be legally binding. Say someone did sign the form and The man done everything he signed to say he wouldn't anyway in court you would have to prove beyond doubt you hadn't changed your mind and given consent during sex.
If someone doesn't respect the person they are having sex with having signed a form will not change that

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 13/02/2017 13:55

Dear God, have you not reported these men for sexual assault and rape? Shock

murphys · 13/02/2017 13:56

I don't understand why you would want to risk something like this from happening again if you already have a fuck buddy.

Would he have to sign the form too??

EnormousTiger · 13/02/2017 13:57

Casual sex will always carry these risks. I don't think it's worth it.

I know a lawyer who supposedly has girl friends sign a secrey/non disclosure agreement before the act which is a good idea. Also for decades people involved in certain kinds of sexual activity have had written documents about what they consent to. Still better to have sex with someone you know and love and trust and ideally are married to however.

KitKats28 · 13/02/2017 13:58

Why the hell does someone have to avoid casual sex just so they don't get raped? Christ there's some serious victim blaming going on here.

If you choose to have sex with someone, that does not give them carte blanche to rape you for fucks sake. Presumably the OP is a "slag" who was "asking for it".

If you lent your friend a dress, that doesn't give her implied permission to walk into your house and help herself from the rest of your wardrobe (not a great analogy, but the best one I can think of).

It's so great to see how attitudes have moved on since the 50s

Slimmingsnake · 13/02/2017 13:59

I read the bit where you said you had needs..why not a trip to Ann summers for a vibrator? Even super drug are selling them...I don't know,just maybe have a break from casual sex ,and look for a kind man who will treat you well.just a thought

piefacerecords · 13/02/2017 14:00

Presumably the OP is a "slag" who was "asking for it".

Nobody has said that or anything like it Confused

OnionKnight · 13/02/2017 14:00

Wait, you already have a fuck buddy?

Use a vibrator for the other days then.

KathArtic · 13/02/2017 14:01

KitKat It is ok shouting about victim blaming but most people would rather be safe

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2017 14:02

I don't know if such a 'contract' would be legally binding, but the fact remains that even if it was you will already have been raped if a man violated it. It's not evidence of rape. It wouldn't help you gain a conviction because any man who would do what has been done to you would also lie about it. Would say that you actually ended up agreeing to do these things, that these things 'never happened', or that you did not say 'no' after all.

I don't have a problem per se with casual sex, but it does carry certain 'risks' unfortunately in that you really don't know the person you're engaging with. This is equally true for both sexes.

Yes, you may have 'needs', we all do. But they're nothing that a good vibrator and an imagination won't take care of.

morningconstitutional2017 · 13/02/2017 14:03

I'm sorry you've had these bad experiences but the only real way to avoid them in future is not to bother with casual sex at all - a one night stand is not the the way to real sexual fulfillment.

Can't you masturbate instead? No worries about consent/unwanted pregnancy/STIs?

No guilt or awkward conversations in the morning.

Original poster
MagentaHalfMoon · 13/02/2017 14:04

I guess I'll have to. Or maybe go on dates before so I can get to know a potential fuck buddy.

Is it too late to report the rape from the man who held me down and had sex with me without a condom? It was only 1/2 way in (most of the time), and he did pull out.

OP posts:
MagicMoments22 · 13/02/2017 14:04

If you need a form signed you are meeting the wrong men. Such a form isn't a deed, you would have to still go to court and prove what happened was against your wishes and you hadn't changed your mind Sad

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 13/02/2017 14:05

I've never done casual sex and never will, but I have friends who belong to reputable websites, eg illicitencounters, and they've met some lovely (they say lol) people on there. Perhaps join a 'proper' website for hookups instead of Tinder? Any free site attracts a lot of... well... you've pretty much described them already.