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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking men to sign a consent form before sex - WIBU (slight TMI I suppose)

156 replies

MagentaHalfMoon · 13/02/2017 13:24

I have recently have some bad experiences with men during sex in terms of consent. One would keep on doing things I explicitly said I did not like (choking, biting etc), and another would hold me down and have sex with me without a condom, even if I begged him to put a condom on. This has completely thrown me off casual sex. But lately I have wanted to try again. Would I be unreasonable to have them sign a form saying something like:

"I agree to the following statements:

-(Various ways of saying No means No, such as "I don't like that means No", "I am not sure I want you do that means No")

-Penetrative sex will always be with a condom. No "teasing", pulling out or anything of the like.

-No choking or biting unless agreed upon

Signed: _"

WIBU?

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 13/02/2017 14:57

If you're at uni and live on campus there must be plenty of opportunity for meeting blocks in bars/clubs and having one night stands, rather than trawling Tinder for casual sex?

That way at least you get to size them up and have a chat before getting down to business

VladmirsPoutine · 13/02/2017 15:00

If you need to ask for a potential sexual date to sign a consent form then I can assure you that that's not the type of man you want to be having sex with.

That said, I think you need to seek therapy to work through the past encounters you've experienced. You've been raped and I only wish you the best.

Original poster
MagentaHalfMoon · 13/02/2017 15:00

RumpyPumpus Yeah, in theory, but I don't actually go to bars or clubbing, as I don't drink, and feel awkward being the only sober one.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 13/02/2017 15:01

KitKat If you choose to have sex with someone, that does not give them carte blanche to rape you for fucks sake. Presumably the OP is a "slag" who was "asking for it".

I havnt seen a single post that's blamed OP. Lots of people telling her that what they did was assault and rape, giving ideas on other options to keep her safe, lots of empathy. Reread or stop projecting.

Motherofhowmany
Lots of slut shaming going on here hmm
No one has once referred to OP as a slut, lots have expressed concern that she has been a victim of rape.

magenta I really think its worth seeing if you can access counselling at Uni about the rapes and your need for intimacy that is putting you at risk. Yes it is of course their responsibility to not rape but they're sick perverts and if there's an increased risk of meeting them then the safe thing is to reduce that risk. Lots of suggestions on here for safer casul sex

VestalVirgin · 13/02/2017 15:03

As others have pointed out, you were raped, and this men are rapists, they would not have honoured a written contract. Sorry.

If anything, you'd have to have them sign a form where they consent to the sex being videotaped and recorded. (I'd only record sounds, if at all, but you don't have to tell them that.)
Men have walked free after raping a woman on video, but they might be a bit more worried about getting caught.

However, in that case, you would still be having sex with rapists. Scaring them so much that they don't dare rape you won't make them better in bed.

Don't have sex with men who don't come recommended at least by one woman. That's the only way you can be reasonably sure if you do not want to or can't invest the time to get to know the man yourself.

For fast testing, say something nasty about feminism; if the man agrees with you, he's probably not safe.
That's not really a way to be sure, as many men are probably too clever to fall for that trap, but it is amazing how many men readily admit to being anti-feminists (.ie. hating women) without even being prompted. Saves time.

carefreeeee · 13/02/2017 15:09

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BartholinsSister · 13/02/2017 15:12

Wouldn't it be useful if men carried some kind of feedback rating.

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 13/02/2017 15:12

I'm a chap, and it sounds like you were definately sexually assaulted/ raped. You have every right to a liberating and satisfying sex life. Hope this guy gets the book thrown at him. You are very brave.

BartholinsSister · 13/02/2017 15:12

DickAdvisor, or something.

allthelove · 13/02/2017 15:17

I think you need to be a bit more picky about who you're engaging in sex with.

Your lifestyle certainly wouldn't be mine.

Original poster
MagentaHalfMoon · 13/02/2017 15:18

BartholinsSister That would be extremely useful, that you could rate guys.

carefree The thread is not made up. This is my real life problem. Surely sex several times a week is not unusual. If I had a boyfriend I would also want sex several times a week. I do have a high sex drive, admittedly; higher than some guys.

It does stem from a need to be intimate with someone. I am not a very tactile person, and don't really hug and touch my friends, so having sex is the only way to have someone hug me and touch me.

OP posts:
toptoe · 13/02/2017 15:26

Sadly, a consent form would not stop someone like those guys doing what they want to you. They knew you hadn't consented. You told them so. But they carried on anyway. Some people just don't care about other people's feelings or bodies. If they signed a consent form, then carried on assaulting you anyway, they could then say 'I didn't do it because I signed the consent form' just as they would if you reported them without a consent form (they will say they didn't do these things).

It's still worth reporting them I would say because it adds to the picture of that person when (not if) they do it again. But I get your fear of him living nearby. Why not call rape crisis and see what they advise? Just talking it out anonymously might help you work out what to do. They may also give you some advice on how to meet a sexual partner more safely.

toptoe · 13/02/2017 15:29

I agree with vestal too - only sleep with someone another woman you know recommends because at least you know something about what they are like.

Fighterofthenightman · 13/02/2017 15:31

You're already having sex once a week with someone safe. Sort yourself out the other days.

No-one male or female needs sex several times a week. Sex is a want not a need.

VestalVirgin · 13/02/2017 15:31

It does stem from a need to be intimate with someone. I am not a very tactile person, and don't really hug and touch my friends, so having sex is the only way to have someone hug me and touch me.

Could you change that? It would be much more emotionally satisfying to touch someone who actually likes you, wouldn't it?

Are you not a very tactile person because you find it icky to touch people you are not sexually attracted to, or is it some other reason?

If you'd rather hug strangers, there's this "free hugs" movement, you'd probably find some people who promote it at an university.

DogMama89 · 13/02/2017 15:31

Oh my goodness darling I am so sorry this happens to you like you I was in a position where I didn't know I was assaulted /raped until a long time after it started, during a five year relationship.

Try to stay strong. Not all men are like this, and casual sex can be fun and fulfilling.

Much love
Flowers

MorrisZapp · 13/02/2017 15:35

Students are a paltry bunch these days. Bring back the nineties - three lagers then choose which man in your line of sight you'd like to shag that night, like choosing crisps in asda. It's a tried and tested system.

SarahLinden · 13/02/2017 15:38

You don't need sex, love. You need to do a bit of work on yourself and find out why you are craving intimacy, at any cost. Report the assaults and get some counselling to get to the root of your desperation.

ShatnersWig · 13/02/2017 15:39

You were raped.

I don't understand how you don't hug friends and describe yourself as non-tactile but want sex to provide hugs and, well, tactile behaviour.

I understand the high sex drive thing. I have that myself. But you know what? I've been single 7 years and haven't had sex in 6 years. I cope. Yes, I sort myself out and while it provides a release I do of course miss kissing, oral, other things. You, at least, have that once a week with someone you trust.

Life is almost always about compromises and learning to accept things. Maybe, for now at least, you need to compromise and accept that you're better off with the current arrangement and some toys. Surely your safety is worth that compromise?

GloriaGaynor · 13/02/2017 15:40

It does stem from a need to be intimate with someone. I am not a very tactile person, and don't really hug and touch my friends, so having sex is the only way to have someone hug me and touch me

Perhaps if you worked on that you wouldn't be driven to have sex with strangers to experience intimacy.

It's perfectly possible to have casual sex with decent guys who would never hurt you. But if you don't know them you've no idea what you're getting.

The problem with hookup sites is that there will be some normal unrapey guys on there, but there will also be guys looking for women they don't know to do things to that gfs wouldn't put up with.

GloriaGaynor · 13/02/2017 15:43

Xpost with SarahLinden and ShatnersWig - both spot on.

ReadyPlayerOne · 13/02/2017 15:47

Honestly I think you are in the wrong head space right now for casual sex. I think you would do better to stick to masturbation and your trusted buddy right now. You've had some very horrible experiences which is down to bad luck and absolutely not your fault in any way. However you also say that you are not tactile and derive much pleasure from the simple act of being held by these casual hook ups. That leads to you relying on them more than is safe. I think you'd do better to step back from casual hook ups for a few months while you explore yourself, your boundaries, what you feel comfortable with, which includes how tactile you feel around friends.

GloriaGaynor · 13/02/2017 15:49

I wonder if this need is purely about a high sex drive, or even a need for intimacy - I wonder if it's also about self validation and self esteem. It sounds as if there's something slightly compulsive in this behaviour.

EveOnline2016 · 13/02/2017 16:14

Op you are not to blame rapist rape because they are rapist.

Casual sex is always going to be risky as you can have an discussion about your likes a preferences about sex. Getting to know someone first is a better way to go about it.

In theory I should be able to leave my car or house unlocked, but by doing so it will invalidate my insurance, so I do that the protect myself and my belongings.

Same with sex, the other person who is also into casual sex will do things that will turn them on. They mostly don't care about you or your feelings as all they want is sexual gratification.

SmileEachDay · 13/02/2017 16:22

Eve, with respect, I think it is dangerous using the "possessions being stolen" analogy - it gives credence to the idea that women are "objects" that can be "taken". I know that's not what you meant, but the language we use is so important.