Asking men to sign a consent form before sex - WIBU (slight TMI I suppose)

[MagentaHalfMoon]

I have recently have some bad experiences with men during sex in terms of consent. One would keep on doing things I explicitly said I did not like (choking, biting etc), and another would hold me down and have sex with me without a condom, even if I begged him to put a condom on. This has completely thrown me off casual sex. But lately I have wanted to try again. Would I be unreasonable to have them sign a form saying something like:

"I agree to the following statements:

-(Various ways of saying No means No, such as "I don't like that means No", "I am not sure I want you do that means No")

-Penetrative sex will always be with a condom. No "teasing", pulling out or anything of the like.

-No choking or biting unless agreed upon

Signed: _"

WIBU?

You were rsped you need to be more careful with the men that you sleep with.

I sense a tad victim blaming there. Its not a women's or a mans job to be careful. Its a predators job not to rape.

Op

Is it too late to report the rape from the man who held me down and had sex with me without a condom? It was only 1/2 way in (most of the time), and he did pull out

No, report it. The police may have received reports from other women about the same guy. The puling out and half way in makes no difference whatsoever. He sounds truly awful.

Get a rampant rabbit - they travel well

If it's a physical need then use your fuck buddy and a plethora of sex toys.

If you want to form a close relationship (you say that's not on the cards in your current situation) then have a couple of dates before you have sex then least you'll have a better idea of the sort of man they are.

No one deserves what you've been through but I don't think the consent form will make a jot of difference except scare off the nice ones

Here we go again with the victim blaming argument. Yes, we all know we should be able to go about our business with no fear of anything - leave our houses and cars unlocked and come back to them safe - wear whatever clothes we like - have sex with anyone we fancy and it all be great.

But, we can't. That's life. So, people have to choose between protecting themselves from the risks or dealing with the consequences. I know what I would rather do.

If you've been raped, you've been raped, and all the rights in the world aren't going to make the psychological impacts any less. Perhaps the OP feels that the benefits outweigh the risks. Personally, I'd say her few posts demonstrate that she doesn't seem to have the judgement for this lifestyle, but whatever floats your boat ...

I sense a tad victim blaming there. Its not a women's or a mans job to be careful. Its a predators job not to rape

Yes, yes and it's a murderer's job not to murder etc but we are talking about someone keeping themselves safe. The other option is to continue having sex with randoms from Tinder and risk more of the same. Predators aren't going to listen to campaigns telling them not to rape. They are rapists- not nice people who didn't realise that rape was wrong.

Lots of slut shaming going on here

Lots of slut shaming going on here

Where?

Dagnabit It is both a physical and emotional need. I have a high sex drive, but also an emotional need to be close to someone. I am a uni student, and live far away from uni, and travel home (and sometimes visit friends around Europe), in my Christmas, Easter and summer holiday, so dating and relationship doesn't really happen, because I am never in the same spot long enough for something to get serious.

Where would that be Motherofhowmany?? I can see people telling her to get a fuckbuddy and to join illicit encounters. Is that what slut shaming is these days?

MagentaHalfMoon If you are going to have casual sex at least try to do so safely. Let someone know where you are, make sure your phone is charged, meet in a safe place and don't get in someones car.

I would just be worried about reporting it, he lives in the same city, quite close to uni, and he knows where I live, and I would be worried about him doing something, if the knew I had reported it.

I really don't think there is any victim blaming going on here. It's just the sad acknowledgement that having repeated casual sex does heighten the risks that you are likely to come across certain dangers.

I think all of us really feel for the OP here and what has already happened to her. Yes, you have been raped and no form will make it easier to prevent or more legally able to prove later. I am very sorry. As you have already had several bad (not to mention horriffic and dangerous) experiences, one would suggest that rethinking these activities for now is perhaps wisest.

Hi all,

Sorry to interrupt your thread, OP, we just wanted to remind everyone that we do not advocate victim blaming on Mumsnet, and link to our We Believe You campaign - please do have a read. We will remove victim-blaming posts, so please do report any of these that you see, and we will take a closer look.

You SERIOUSLY need to address your boundaries and zero self esteem.

these blokes are pond scum and you seem to think that's all you're worth. this IS depressing!

Please see that you are worth more than this?

If you have an emotional need to be close to someone, isn't it only going to feel worse after having anonymous hook-ups with strangers you can't trust? There are ways of feeling emotionally close to someone that don't involve putting yourself in such physically risky situations.

Magenta i feel for you, i really do. And if i could get you justice against the men who have abused you, i would. My instinct, as i suspect is most peoples', is to urge you to report it. However, the problem with abuse of this kind is that it is largely your word against his. Only you can decide if that battle is something you can deal with.

May i gently suggest that some counselling might be a good idea to help you with these traumas?

Magenta are you saying your sex drive is so high it would not survive being apart from a potential partner during holidays/when you travel? Otherwise your situation should not mean you are not in a position to date. Thinking back to my uni years, most of us were in a similar situation and several in stable relationships.

Otherwise, I'm with the other posters. A contract like the one you mention would not deter rapists. And it's not too late to report the guy you raped you - it can already help to have him on the file even if you don't pursue anything further, in case he comes to the attention of police in future cases.

OP - unfortunately I agree with PP's. You were raped

No victim blaming from me but please think twice about having 'casual sex' - surely it is better to have consensual sex in some kind of relationship (even though this doesn't have to be serious) A form should not be needed - ever

Have you thought about reporting these men?

Peregrane No, that's not it. I have just tried several times, starting dating, and then it fizzles out in the holiday, and then when you return to uni, it just doesn't really happen again. My semesters are so short that I am actually only at uni half of the year, the other half I am other places. I have also tried a long distance relationship, that didn't work out because of the distance.

What about sex clubs, if you live in a city? I've heard read it it Cosmopolitan while standing in Sainsbury's that lots of young women are now using certain saunas for hook ups. It's public, and presumably there are codes of conduct, and people look out for each other?

How horrible OP, these experiences at not "par for the course" with casual sex are they are NOT acceptable!

If you have one screening question prior to sex, let it be "can you tell me what rape is?". That should give you a fair clue what you're dealing with.

I also think there are certain swinging "scenes"? Possibly it's worthwhile seeking out groups of likeminded people, or clubs that will provide a safe space for you to do what you want. Safety in numbers....

On the legal issues ( I once even had a legal article in a BDSM magazine by the way, laughing as I type) you cannot consent if it is too rough. It's a very difficult issue for people in practice particularly if it's not standard sex and it's casual. It is the same in many of the business contracts I draft - nothing in the agreement will exclude liability for personal injury and it does not work if you try.

However things like rugby players consenting to being pushed around during the game, boxers being punched consensually, lovers consenting to mild violence by choice in bed and of course normal intercourse/oral sex etc and people who might just brush into each other as part of normal walking down a busy street is not unlawful.

Oh god it's not victim blaming to try to advise someone how to avoid being attacked (again).

It would be victim blaming to tell her it was her fault that she got raped.

Why is it so hard to see the difference?

I'm not going to tell my daughters to go ahead and walk down all the dark alleyways they like because it's their right to be able to. I'll tell them the world is a twisted bloody place and it would be lovely to be able to do what you like where you like but you can't. That's not victim blaming my daughters FGS