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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 10:05

yANBU. I had a surprise visit from a 5 y o relative recently as her mum was stuck for childcare. I wasn't expecting to be home so hearing had not been on and she was cold and said the house was cold. Her mum was in a rush and forgot to pack a sweater for her. I immediately put the heating on full blast, gave her a blanket and offered one of my (far too big for her) sweaters, because I love her and want her to be nice and warm! Who wouldn't want their child to be warm and cosy?

Re the getting up thing, if she was there all the time I understand him wanting to lie in. I think your point is tho that it was her first time staying so it would have been nice for him to make a special effort, e.g. "Welcome to the new house, i hope you're happy staying over here, I made you pancakes as a treat" would have done wonders.

KeepKeepingOn · 14/02/2017 10:06

I am going to presume that the heating and the breakfast issues are just a small part of the bigger picture. It's the exact same thing ex would do with my boys. Long lie's in the morning for him while my 2 ds get up and fend for themselves, eldest with mild SN and his younger sibling downstairs alone making breakfast while the other 5/6 days a week I'm up at the crack of dawn to feed them, get them organized for school run and get to work, so yes his non interest does grate.

See where you are coming from OP.

itsmine · 14/02/2017 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 10:08

I think you're flogging a dead horse on this thread, a few people agree re the heat, a lot of people think you are being a bit melodramatic (if he is asleep and your dd has gone into meltdown by 7:30 there's not much opportunity for putting the heat on etc)

And a lot of people have pointed out that

  • he does not seem like a very caring Dad
  • if it's cold in his house then he should either turn the heating on or buy DD warm clothes
  • parental rights come with responsibilities
  • Dad is being a lazy arse
  • etc.

Someone made an excellent point about how we'd expect an adult to vote with their feet on this one.

I can't understand why he isn't doing just a little bit more to care about his DD to be frank.

Camelopardtoes · 14/02/2017 10:09

itsmine great point, think you've hit the nail on the head

Camelopardtoes · 14/02/2017 10:13

sparticous I take your points, but get the impression that dad won't be given an opportunity to remedy any of the shortcomings. If his Dd is taught to call mum and cry at the crack of dawn he doesn't have an opportunity to fix things. I have a 13yo and he's too hot in our house, so I turn his radiator off, maybe dad could just heat DD room, but probably he won't get the chance to work that out

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 10:14

Who wouldn't want their child to be warm and cosy?

Yes - exactly! That's what I don't get! Even if he didn't put the heating on why didn't he give her a blanket, warm jumper, hot breakfast or drink, run a hot bath - anything?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 10:18

Camel - in her OP the OP said " I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money".

The OP pointed out that she had packed warm clothes ... but DD was still cold.

I just don't get why the father has not been a bit more responsive or caring! As I said above if he is too cheap to put the heating on then he should provide other warming things for her.

MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 10:22

Sounds like he just isn't very caring or empathetic. Some people aren't I guess.

I would not expect a child to be in an unheated house.

The first night/morning in a new house I would also want a child to feel welcome and happy, so that they have nice memories and want to come back.

I'm not sure how you politely explain this to him tho without him going in a big strop? I guess you can only try your best. Maybe explain that she finds the house cold and so unless the heating is on she would prefer to stay elsewhere? Also I would say to him that so she feels happy there he should make a bit of a fuss next time, not every time, but at first he should make a bit of a fuss and extra effort and tell her how he wants her to be happy staying there.

It's really just basic kindness. Such a shame he needs to be taught this Hmm

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 10:25

itsmine She rang you at 7.30 that doesn't seem like a very capable 10 yr old to me

Do you stand by that comment?...

OP posts:
MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 10:27

Ffs she is 10 and in a strange house freezing and alone, seems perfectly reasonable she would call her mum. Poor little mite.

Sorry I'm preggers just now and feeling very motherly and emotional. Keep crying at adverts with puppies. Lol.

Bensyster · 14/02/2017 10:33

I think she probably doesn't feel at home in this house, a bit lonely - not just at breakfast time, missing the warmth and familiarity of her mum's house. It's a shame you don't have a better relationship with your ex because you could work together to help your dd be happier while at her Dad's, helping her to maintain her relationship with him.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 10:33

My DD actually has coordination difficulties and used to struggle using her phone, so I'm actually very proud that she now is confident using it and was capable. No, you didn't know that, but saying a 10 year old is incapable because they called their mum in the morning, because they were cold, bored and lonely, is bad enough anyway. Regardless of her difficulties. Just nasty

OP posts:
yomellamoHelly · 14/02/2017 10:40

Know this doesn't sort any of the real issues out, but can you give her a hot water bottle that goes in the microwave for next time? Electric blanket? Electric foot muff? Blankets? Teach her how to make a hot chocolate in the microwave? Get her to tell you what might help her get through it? (I'd be taking a heater and plugging it in!)

MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 10:49

Why does her dad not want to use the heating, out of interest?

Has he always avoided using it?
Is it a money thing?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 11:03

Mojhito - I think the OP said it was a cost saving thing - although he seems to have some cash to splash elsewhere.

OP - I have another comment, but while I am thinking it through, I am curious to know if DD has ever voiced her discomfort directly to her Dad, or whether she always goes through you?

If not, why not?

Note - I'm definitely not being hostile, I'm just trying to get a sense of the dynamics at play here, including between him and her.

I'm also curious to know if he buys her birthday presents, speaks to her affectionately, takes her places she wants to go, etc... - you know, the kinds of things that might suggest her was genuinely interested and engaged.

girlywhirly · 14/02/2017 11:11

Largepinot, I think in the light of further information that you've given about your ex not paying maintenance and cancelling his week-ends when he feels like it, this is crunch time. I doubt that the extra bedroom was for DD's benefit, I think it's so that his mates have somewhere to crash when they come over.

I really don't think he can be arsed. I think you can take the decision for your DD so that she doesn't have to feel guilty for not staying overnight. It's not the amount of time they spend together, it's the quality, and there seems to be very little of that. Even if the contact was fabulous between them, it still doesn't mean the format can't be changed as a child grows and becomes a teenager, with all the things that they have to fit in to a week, clubs, study, hobbies etc. DD has never really been comfortable at his, has she? So why not suggest the days only and see what he says.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 11:39

Oh and joey- "he clearly wants her to learn to do things for herself". What on earth gives you that idea?... Yeah, bravo for not keeping your DD warm, making her breakfast on the 1 morning you have her out of 14! How thoughtful. Yes, "clearly" he's doing these things to teach her how to look after herself. Of course it's got nothing to do with not being arsed!

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 11:45

girly, I suspect you're right about his reasoning for renting a new house. Obviously that's not what he told me.

I have suggested just the days, but he just says it isn't fair. She's happiest to spend the day with her dad and then see my mum and dad for a bit and then sleep at theirs. I understand why he'd be hurt by that, but really, he only has himself to blame.

OP posts:
Floofborksnootandboop · 14/02/2017 11:57

She rang you AT 7:30AM ON A BLOODY WEEKEND TO COMPLAIN SHE DIDNT HAVE BREAKFAST!!!

She never gave him chance to make breakfast! He could've woke up just half an hour later and I'd still think that's too early and cooked her a lovely breakfast but she never gave him the chance.

Lasagna · 14/02/2017 12:01

but really, he only has himself to blame.

Not really... you're also to blame for babying a 10 YO.

No doubt in my mind you've spent years filling her head with shit about her dad and encouraging her to call you at the first sign of not getting her own way at her dads so you can bitch and moan and make out he's a shitty dad because he hasn't done something you even admit you wouldn't do.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 12:09

Flo, she did.

Lasagna, how am I babying?
"No doubt in my mind you've spent years filling her head with shit about her dad and encouraging her to call you at the first sign of not getting her own way at her dads so you can bitch and moan and make out he's a shitty dad because he hasn't done something you even admit you wouldn't do"

What have I said that's given you "no doubt"?..

You're talking absolute rubbish. I have made it clear I don't bad mouth him in front of my DD. Never have. God knows what your problem is!

OP posts:
MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 12:16

Pinot I would just ignore those posters.

If she doesn't want to stay over because he refuses to heat the house in winter, and he doesn't make her feel welcome, then you can't make her. It is his choice not to do these things. Perhaps try to explain to him in as kind a way as possible for the sake of your DD. But if he won't do these things of course she won't want to stay.

paxillin · 14/02/2017 12:16

It is not that unusual for kids in divorced families to call RP to squeeze a better deal out of NRP. Especially if they are at that often moody and manipulative pre-teen stage. Tread carefully, OP. If she understands this to be a successful tactic, she may well use it against you in her teens. Fancy her calling grandma to complain about you?

We had this behaviour in the past, it takes a gentle "tell your dad/mum, darling" and a reminder you won't simply overrule the other parent, even if you disagree with them.

If she calls saying dad is blind drunk and 8 strangers are in the house, spring into action. Colder than she'd like and no breakfast at 7:30 yet, I'd leave.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 12:20

Pinot I would just ignore those posters

I totally agree!

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