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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
joeythenutter · 13/02/2017 21:53

Op I feel you have your daughter like 'a princess'.
Your DD behaves like 'a princess'.
And so you want her dad to treat her like one, by doing everything for her. He clearly wants her to learn to do things for herself, and so not end up being so 'entitled' to everything. Explain to her not everyone's house is the same temperature, she needs to adjust.

I have been in your situation, don't interfere, don't encourage her to tell all, do encourage her to speak to her dad if something isnt right.

And dont tell her dad how to parent his own child.

Starlight2345 · 13/02/2017 21:56

One thing you haven't answered on here is how does she get on with dad? could she put the heating on ?

Can you encourage her to talk to her dad because he may here them better from her than you.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/02/2017 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/02/2017 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 22:31

He clearly wants her to learn to do things for herself, and so not end up being so 'entitled' to everything. Explain to her not everyone's house is the same temperature, she needs to adjust

Exactly - how do you balance not seeing a child for 2 weeks so spoiling her and being called a Disney Dad vs getting her to learn some independence.

I bet that some people would complain if one parent had 1 attitude towards parenting that enable the development of independence and the other had an attitude that was very molly coddling.

It would be interesting to get the other perspective and then to see what actually happened - and the thought processes going on.

Parenting with a partner who has a different attitude to you on parenting is hard enough when you all live together.

Parenting with an ex partner who has a different attitude to you is very hard - especially when the children involved get used to the 'ethos' and expectations of 1 house where they spend most time at - and then have to adapt to a new house. That phone call home to say 'things aren't like home' is so easy.

How it's handled is even harder - as there is going to be a lot of issues, perspectives and parenting attitudes to take into account.

Of course, the ex could suddenly become a Disney dad, give her everything she wanted, spoil her rotten, not do boring homework and then hand her back to mum - and then that might lead to the DD thinking life at mum's house was boring and unfair.

Somewhere is a middle ground.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/02/2017 22:36

Love to know why on earth my post was deleted Mods when I simply agreed with another post as have several others.

At least be consistent.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 22:40

I wouldn't send my kid back to a sleep over where this happened

What do you think has happened?

MsGameandWatch · 13/02/2017 22:59

I'm not getting involved in any discussion with any of you lot. Suffice to say I don't agree with your take on it and that's it 😊

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 23:06

I'm not getting involved in any discussion with any of you lot

There is no shared parenting topic on MN. There's parenting as a single parent - but no shared parenting topic.

Shared parenting is really hard. It's hard for the child who has 2 homes and different expectations in each home. It's hard for parents in both homes who may have different attitudes to parenting - something you see on here a lot.

BaymaxismyHero · 13/02/2017 23:30

Blimey, your ex has a load of friends on here! Wink
Why should his daughter have to pack a jumper? 1. Put the bloody heating on and 2. Buy her some winter pj's and a dressing gown.
Dad's house should be her 2nd home, comfortable and homely! Not cold and feeling miserable.

Camelopardtoes · 13/02/2017 23:41

People calling a 10 year old pouring cereal abuse is what people should be "furious" about. There are some valid and well framed points being made, unfortunately it's clear op has a particular view of her ex, possibly based on past experiences with him. If this is your biggest worry, I think you're genuinely lucky. Not hating. Just saying

SofiaAmes · 14/02/2017 06:16

Conspiracy theory much?

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 09:17

My DD isn't a princess. That actually made me laugh at how wanting her to be warm enough and ....recognised is me 'princessing' her. Such a ridiculous, insulting comment. Calling my DD a princess when you don't know her AT ALL, is actually quite disgusting.

Not getting your ass out of bed to make your DC breakfast is NOT teaching them life skills. It's lazy parenting. If you're DC is capable and regularly makes their own breakfast, they clearly have that skill, as mine has and has had for years. When your DC is in a new house and was known to be nervous and reluctant to stay, you get up. You make the effort.

It's laughable that some people on here are making out as though parents who never get up to make their DCs breakfast, are purely doing it to teach them life skills Hmm

If my DD couldn't do it herself, maybe some of you would have a point, but she can and does, so you don't...imo.

OP posts:
amispartacus · 14/02/2017 09:26

op

You're absolutely right. Your ex is a lazy bastard and should be getting out of bed to make his DD breakfast. Of course he should.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 09:27

Camel, yes, there is certainly a bigger picture with my ex. He often cancels weekends because he has friends coming to stay, or doesn't contribute with child support. There's a lot more, but I didn't want to go in to fine details, which is why I kept it simple in my OP and said he can be an arsehole. No, he can't defend himself. Yes, you only have my side of the story, but there's nothing I can do about that. Maybe nobody should ever post anything about anyone else, because they can't put their side of things forward....

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 14/02/2017 09:32

Not getting your ass out of bed to make your DC breakfast is NOT teaching them life skills. It's lazy parenting.
___

I have said so many times now, that I wouldn't expect him to get up at that time!

So which one is it? Hmm

girlywhirly · 14/02/2017 09:36

Largepinot, what are you planning to do? What does DD want, and how will you manage the situation without it looking to your ex as though you are refusing contact? The two fortnights a month were fine when DD was younger, but the pattern doesn't have to remain the same. A change of type and duration of contact may work out better, as someone said upthread, what is being gained by the overnight stays? As i suggested, would a day at a week-end twice a month, and a day during the week every week be better, because a fortnight between visits is a long time and they are becoming more and more estranged.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 09:37

The biggest issue here though was always the heating, which was pretty clear.

Those of you who say she should just learn to adapt to different temperatures, well yes, she's still with us. I can't see any frost bite and there are no signs of hyperthermia Hmm BUT if you're able to heat your home and your DC says it's freezing and you agree, it's your job to keep them warm. I think that's basic parenting, not alternative parenting. She only ever complains about being cold at his, so she's not just sensitive to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 09:41

Fenella, it's both. I don't expect him to necessarily get up at 7.30, but I would expect him to get up at a reasonable time and at least intend to make her breakfast.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 14/02/2017 09:43

The heating is just mean.

Anyone who sits there drinking and smoking then moaning heating is a waste of money loses any right to go on about principles

And why hasn't he got stuff for her there. Of his house requires clothing as if on some articles expedition he should have a jumper or two at his place.

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/02/2017 09:43

Arctic

Camelopardtoes · 14/02/2017 09:45

I think you're flogging a dead horse on this thread, a few people agree re the heat, a lot of people think you are being a bit melodramatic (if he is asleep and your dd has gone into meltdown by 7:30 there's not much opportunity for putting the heat on etc) either way, I don't think you are looking for an alternative view, I hope the angst you have here is not actually because it was cold at 7:30 and it's just a bad metaphor for something else. Good luck sorting it out anyway

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 09:47

girly, Tbh, the overnight stays seem to be much more for DDs dad. I know she'd rather come home, but she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I have told her that there is no right or wrong answer. There is no pressure either way, but then I feel bad this time, because with it being a new house, I said she should give it a go...I'm sure she'd be more comfortable and generally have a better time, now there's more space etc, but she wasn't and she didn't. I'm the one who feels guilty, but I'm not the one who made her feel like that.

OP posts:
Oneiroi · 14/02/2017 09:54

People forcing you to be in a cold house is awful. My parents did this and I remember shivering in two jumpers, physically shaking and being unable to sleep or concentrate on homework. It's totally unacceptable for him to have the heating turned off in winter!

amispartacus · 14/02/2017 09:56

I know she'd rather come home, but she doesn't want to hurt his feelings

Shared parenting is hard - and it's hard for the children who have 2 parents in their lives.

It sometime can be so easy for a child to ring the other parent - who's in the other house - and to ask if they can stay there / go home etc. That's not something children who live in just one house can do.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not - it can make some children manipulate a situation by calling the other parent when they aren't getting their own way / are being told off / are unhappy - and it can be a powerful weapon a child has to get their own way. It's hard for the other parent on the end of the phone when they hear their child say what they think is happening - without full context.

I've been on the end of those phone calls from DS - and I've had a child who's made those phone calls. It often happens when DS is being forced to do something he doesn't want to do...such as homework.

It's hard as a parent to hear your child discuss an issue about another parent and the situation.

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