Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
ChuckSnowballs · 14/02/2017 12:21

OP - remember it is half term and there are alot of people around whose main skill in life is typing with one hand if you get me. And who are snuggled up at home in the warm, having been fed breakfast by mummy when they got out of their pit.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 12:25

Disagree with my concerns, fine. But to attack me and say I'm the bad parent and actually just make stuff up by saying I have spent years filling my DDs head with shit about her dad is simply, not on. Absolutely vile actually, lasagna. You should be ashamed.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 14/02/2017 12:27

remember it is half term and there are alot of people around whose main skill in life is typing with one hand if you get me

Don't be ridiculous.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 12:30

remember it is half term and there are alot of people around whose main skill in life is typing with one hand if you get me

Yes, I was thinking that ...!!

MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 12:32

There are lots of nasty people on this site

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 12:33

Chuck, ah yes. I thought I was going mad!

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 12:34

Sparkle, you're telling me!

OP posts:
MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 12:36

I don't post threads anymore as some people on here are just down right vile. I tend just to reply to others (and only if I have something nice to say!).

AQuietMind · 14/02/2017 12:38

There are lots of nasty people on this site

There are also a lot of people on this site who have a lot of experience of shared parenting and plenty of very good advice to give if op listens

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 12:38

and only if I have something nice to say!

Or constructive ... and there has not been a lot of that around here.

noeffingidea · 14/02/2017 12:46

I'm a single parent, my ex is still in contact with our kids.
It's incomprehensible to me that he would allow them to be cold in his home, and they are used to a cooler home as I don't have central heating. He wouldn't have them over if he couldn't afford to turn the heating on.
Adequate food, heating, hygiene and clothing are basic standards of parenting and we both do what we can to meet them. Thankfully we're both on the same page there.
YANBU, OP, at least as regards the heating issue.

Camelopardtoes · 14/02/2017 12:46

There's been plenty of constructive comments, they just don't happen to accord with the ops agenda, so are branded as rude or offensive.

paxillin · 14/02/2017 12:51

OP - remember it is half term and there are alot of people around whose main skill in life is typing with one hand if you get me.

Bollocks. A lot of the posters on this thread have popped up often enough for me to recognise their names. Charming by the way, your image of schoolchildren (school aged boys I presume).

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 13:14

There's been plenty of constructive comments, they just don't happen to accord with the ops agenda, so are branded as rude or offensive

I have no idea what the OP's alleged agenda is (code for - I can't see she has one). I just find it very odd that so many women seem to be supporting a man and so-called father who cares little about his daughter's comfort!

Sassenach85 · 14/02/2017 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chloe84 · 14/02/2017 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/02/2017 13:29

I agree with Chuck, thread is getting overrun by the hairy of hand

If it ain't then I am surely fucking glad that some of the posters are not my mother!

bumsexatthebingo · 14/02/2017 13:32

It's horrible when it's too cold to sleep. I've slept over at friends houses who don't use the heating and even with fleecy pj's I've been unable to sleep and been up early because I couldn't sleep and would rather be up and moving around. I wouldn't want to sleep in a cold house EOW.
There have been some strange posts on this thread. Of course the op isn't going to know the exact internal temp of the house but her dd is cold.
Her dad shuld be aking sure she s warm but as he isn't I think you will just need to send your dd with LOTS of layers op. Thermals, onesies etc

paxillin · 14/02/2017 13:44

I think accusing posters one disagrees with of trolling is either childish taunting or really nasty.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 14:08

"I think accusing posters one disagrees with of trolling is either childish taunting or really nasty.*

Really, paxillin? I don't think it's about some people disagreeing, it's about the way certain people are, rather aggressively, painting me as being irresponsible and damaging and my ex is some sort of hero for doing sod all!

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 14/02/2017 14:21

It isn't about supporting OP's ex, I'm sure most posters would agree that he sounds a bit lazy and mediocre. It's about recognising that even despite his shortcomings he is still allowed to parent as he wishes and the law would uphold that right, even with a less than perfect parent. All the agreeing with the OP in the world isn't going to change that fact, which is why it is far kinder to advise to encourage DD to communicate any issues with her Dad herself and then disengage a bit.

gandalf456 · 14/02/2017 14:27

I see what you mean. Maybe she is reticent,though, because she doesn't see him all the time and asking for her mum's input?

paxillin · 14/02/2017 14:28

AIBU can be rough, OP. But telling other posters they are trolls or school boys who "type with one hand" is not going to win any arguments. I know you haven't done this, but several posters on here have.

This isn't helping you gauge others' opinions and it is an attempt to shut down the conversation. If it gets nasty enough, threads get deleted for bunfighting, which helps nobody.

diddl · 14/02/2017 14:30

Sorry if I've missed it, but does he not put the heating on at all then?

Our house would be cold at 7.30 at the weekend due to heating being off overnight, but it would be coming on!

Not so that you'd be wearing t shirt & shorts, of course- jeans, socks, t shirt & jumper tend to be necessary this time of the year even with the heating on.

MojhitoSparkle · 14/02/2017 14:41

Diddl - yes the OP sent her dressed for winter. She said he doesn't put it on at all.