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Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 14:44

No, he doesn't put it on at all. It wasn't just not on at night, or in the morning.

He told me this himself, not my DD (before anyone asks how I know, or that my DD is making it up, or "bitching and moaning")

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 14/02/2017 14:45

Well the op now knows she needs t send her dressed for Siberian winter! She shouldn't have to but someone needs to make sure the child is comfortable and it's not going to be her dad!

Millie04 · 14/02/2017 15:16

Largepinot I've had to flick past a lot of the comments on here, not v constructive and v judgemental of you. ☹️ I'm in a similar position. My DD didn't stay with her dad for a while as she wasn't comfortable there. He moved and it enabled my children to have their own room in bunks. My ex was always tight with heating etc but I like to think that he considers my children's needs over his own every fortnight when they stay with him. Your ex moved house to encourage your DD to stay at his house so I would've thought that turning the heating on wouldn't be considered unreasonable. I suspect he is trying to hurt you but all he'll end up doing is having a daughter who doesn't want to stay the night with him. My DD still oscillates betw staying at her dads. She has a bit of anxiety with sleep anyway. I had to apply some tough love the other weekend and she has been less worried since then.

gandalf456 · 14/02/2017 15:18

Sounds reasonable Wink

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 15:22

He told me this himself

So he said that he wouldn't put the heating on? So it shouldn't have been a surprise to either you or your DD that it was going to be cold.

As for complaining that he was speaking too loud etc, that is totally ridiculous. That's why people are saying that your DD sounds a little indulged. Obviously that doesn't mean that she is but that is how she could appear from your OP.

He moved to accommodate her - imo that is a bigger gesture than cooking her a lavish breakfast at the crack of dawn!

diddl · 14/02/2017 15:22

Sorry, Op, I missed that, also didn't mean to suggest that you expected his house to be heated enough for her to not be wearing Winter clothes-apologies if it came aross like that.

I know that sometimes my kids say they are cold but that's usually when they've just got out of bed &/or aren't wearing much.

We had a problem with the boiler a bit ago & after a while more clothes just don't help imo-hands/face/head feel cold & you need some background warmth on-unless staying in bed or huddled under blankets are feasible for the day!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 15:27

Although I may have rolled my eyes at the thread about children crying with cold when they were doing PE outside.

I honestly wonder how people cope in genuinely cold countries...

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 15:41

Livia, no, if you read the thread, you'd see I said that he told me that on the phone on Saturday, after she told me she was cold.

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 14/02/2017 15:43

It was 1.degree last week in the London area. To me it's a no brainer that the heating goes on. That's effing cold

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 15:46

It was supposed to be a nice weekend. Not a fucking endurance test!

OP posts:
MadMags · 14/02/2017 15:47

Did you phone him to tell him off about the heating?

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 15:48

diddl, I didn't think you were implying that.

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 15:50

No, I called to ask if DD was ok because she was upset and then her phone died. I mentioned she was complaining about being too cold and was it colder where they are etc and he said, "well she will be because I don't put my heating on".

OP posts:
MadMags · 14/02/2017 15:51

Oh right.

Do you usually have a lot of contact on the two days he has her?

noeffingidea · 14/02/2017 16:02

Livia are you serious?
This isn't the third world, it's cold enough to have some form of heating on at the moment. Most people in the UK will have had some form of heating on last weekend, apart from those who live in high tech insulated homes, or those in severe poverty. You pay for heating (and food) before you pay for other things in the winter.
I turn my fires off when my daughters out , it goes on when she comes home. Why should she suffer?
This is shitty neglectful parenting, IMO ( from the OP's ex) and not the actions of someone who loves and cares for their child. Can't understand why people are sticking up for him on this thread.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 16:03

No, not much. Usually the odd text and then a phone call to say goodnight before bed...if she wants to. She doesn't always.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 16:04

At least you all know the score for the future. I still can't get past him moving house to accommodate her but her being annoyed that she could hear him and his GF talking!

And 7.30 is very early for some people, anyone wanting breakfast at that hour should get it themselves. Perhaps if she had waited a while until he had got up, she could have asked him to cook her something.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 16:06

Fair enough, I just don't think he sounds neglectful, that's all. Sorry if I have completely misunderstood.

gandalf456 · 14/02/2017 16:08

He isn't about breakfast or his girlfriend but he is about the heating. Not heating your home when it's freezing is a health issue. I've been very ill from being in unheated homes in the past

littlemissangrypants · 14/02/2017 16:09

Sometimes being a parent means doing things you shouldn't have to as it's the best for your child. My ex for example refused to see our children unless I paid babysitting money. I paid for years (every visit, every time including christmas) and only stopped when the kids said themselves that they were not fussed about a further relationship. In that time ex got more from babysitting money than I had in maintenance from him.
If you think your daughter benefits from spending time with her father than the kind and loving thing to do would be to buy thermal clothing and an arctic sleeping bag for your daughter. You shouldn't have to do this but your ex does not care about your child being cold so you will have to step up. I get that it sucks but that would be the right thing to do if you think your daughter should have a relationship with her dad. She will see what he is like and will vote with her feet one day.
Your daughter will also see that you are the parent that ensures she is warm and fed and loved. My sons (15 and 17) have seen it too. They always thought their dad was so great but now the younger one has no contact apart from present giving times and the elder sees his dad once a month. They both saw that he only wanted the money and that their dad didn't want to know once the money stopped.
For what it's worth I hated doing the right thing and letting the kids think their dad was wonderful but I am glad I did it anyway. I know that they have no relationship now due to his actions and not because I came between them or made them chose.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 16:10

Okay, I'm surprised it is a "health issue" - growing up lots of people didn't have central heating and heaters were expensive. I suppose we got lucky avoiding health issues.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 16:11

Your daughter will also see that you are the parent that ensures she is warm and fed and loved

This is a good point. Whether they still have a relationship in a few years' time, it sounds like you are close to her so she won't necessarily miss out.

Original poster
largepinot · 14/02/2017 16:13

Livia, she wasn't annoyed, she was upset because she simply couldn't sleep. The flat was so small that you were basically in the same room. She used to come back with really bad dark circles. I understand that he couldn't (at the time) afford anywhere bigger, but if you live in somewhere that small and you have your DC come to stay, you just exercise a little consideration and keep it down, no?

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 14/02/2017 16:14

Well, people can die of the cold. That's why they introduced the heating allowance for oaps. There were stories of pensioners dying because they couldn't afford to heat their homes. I have a thing about people treating heating as some frivolous thing. I put it right up there with food. My parents didn't have much money but our house was always warm

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/02/2017 16:17

Okay apologies - I hadn't appreciated that the noise issue was in the old place.

He obviously cares enough to move house, so I don't get why he would choose to be neglectful over this.