... to dislike my future son-in-law?

[ElinorRigby]

We had a rare visit from him and my daughter today - the first time we've seen him in over a year. They live in London - about 2 hours away. We sometimes see my daughter in Central London, but her partner is normally 'too busy' to come along.

The nearer the wedding comes - it's scheduled for August - the more I struggle with his behaviour. He's nearly 30 - some of the traits which I put down to adolescence being full of himself don't seem to have worn off. My daughter has been going out with him for over 10 years, and he is the only boyfriend she has ever had.

So today he informed me, when I asked him about his job he told me that I didn't know anything about the corporate world.

He mansplained all sorts of things about a university which I attended and he didn't attend.

He began eating as soon as food was put in front of him. (My husband cooked.)

He didn't thank us for the meal.

He didn't ask either of us anything about our own pursuits or opinions but spent the entire time talking about what he'd done and what he thought.

Interestingly they had travelled up to go to the wedding reception of one of my daughter's oldest friends - before the friend and her new husband emigrate. However, at the last minute he decided he was 'too tired' and so my daughter went to the event on her own.

So is my daughter marrying a rude selfish tosser?

Elinor - good luck with this. Hope you are able to update us at sone point in the future. For what it's worth, your anxieties and concerns sound entirely normal for a mum in this situation - not interfering, just wanting the best for your child.

I can't quite believe some people are saying you are controlling, I do wonder if they have read the whole thread and the descriptions of how the future SIL treats the OP's DD?.

Anyway IMO you have every right to be concerned. The best advice is ButteredParsnips "Ask lots of questions & gently challenge certain behaviour. Ask how she felt about going to the wedding alone. Ask why she didn't visit her grandparent. Don't criticise, but do ask."

Whatever her answers are, it will make her think about what you are asking and hopefully come to a realisation that she has to start taking her her own feelings to the forfront of her life.

Sorry about the grammar there! I hope you know what I mean!

AnnieMated1 Tue 14-Feb-17 12:20:50
"I truly think you sound utterly ghastly and overly judgemental."

So taking issue with a man who sits at her table and tells her daughter that she is less intelligent than him is to be classed as ghastly and judgmental?

In that case, I shall be happy to be counted in the ghastly and judgmental camp, because I absolutely do not want any misogyny in my house. Any more than I want racism.

Would people who excuse this on grounds of social anxiety be equally happy to excuse suggestions that a black man was less intelligent on the same grounds? And the black man would be expected to just suck it up, because his hostess wouldn't want to seem judgmental? If somebody is socially anxious, does that mean they get the right to use other people as doormats, just to feel better?

I do think the OP is wise to set about this cautiously, but agree with BakeOff that a bit of gentle questioning is probably indicated.

and in my family I am afraid it would be impossible to control the tongue of the teenage son in this situation

So I'm genuinely baffled about where my older daughter's propensity for people who will boss her about comes from.

O rilly? You can't think of a single relationship in her formative years where she was bossed about which she is now using as a template for what she thinks a normal relationship is?

I suspect that your relationship with her has a dynamic of being bossed about, her judgement not trusted and being 'managed' that she is now trying to replicate with her DP. You might not like it, but if that is what works for her in a relationship it's up to her really. Some people do like taking a back seat and letting others make the decisions.

YANBU. I find it strange that they've been together for 10 years and you don't feel as if you know him well. Maybe I'm from a close family, but after 10 years somebody's partner/wife/husband is part of the furniture and even if you aren't best friends the awkwardness is gone. How often do you see them?

hmm. The eating before everyone's sitting down - can see why you don't like it, but not a clincher. In fact there are arcane disputes about when that becomes 'accepted' ok etiquette - apparently it's ok if there are more than 6/8 people! But apparently saying 'do start' to the early servees is also considered polite - because food getting cold is annoying!

Not thanking you and not helping to chop the salad - see your point, but people do forget/not bother - neither of those make you a bad person though, just maybe not fantastically polite.

The 'more intelligent' comment - any chance it was a joke? I have to admit such childish and (not very funny!) banter isn't entirely unknown in quite a few households.
Funnily enough the pre nup thing did make me stop and think. Did the suggestion come from in laws rather than from dh?

A very dear friend of mine was engaged to an awful man. He was an ugly 40+ goth with ten facial piercings like acne around his mouth, and he was an investment banker. She was a pretty, 27 year old sweet, intelligent person who had low sel esteem and genuinely thought she wasn't worth better. It broke our hearts watching them together as he tookevery opportunty to belittle her publicly - heading back her set of chopsticks in a restaurant and telling the waitress to bring cutlery as she would never manage to use them, ordering for her even when she was wanton something different, just making comments that implied he thought he was her superior in every way and saw her like a possession. We called him 'fatblobshitface' because he was so bad. I never dared tell her how we felt about him though... I didn't want to lose our friendship. I was so relieve when she finally realised and broke up with him before the wedding... She is married to a lovely man now wit a baby and is so much happier. I hope fatblobshitface is alone forever.

suspect that your relationship with her has a dynamic of being bossed about, her judgement not trusted and being 'managed' that she is now trying to replicate with her DP.

You know this how, BillSykes?

flyingspaghettimonster so glad it worked out for your friend. XX

I am so glad JS06 that I spoke up before my DDs relationship went on for too long. I think part of the grief for her is indeed the loss (hopefully only temporarily) of a relationship and its possibilities and not just the man involved IYSWIM.