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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to dislike my future son-in-law?

187 replies

ElinorRigby · 12/02/2017 14:50

We had a rare visit from him and my daughter today - the first time we've seen him in over a year. They live in London - about 2 hours away. We sometimes see my daughter in Central London, but her partner is normally 'too busy' to come along.

The nearer the wedding comes - it's scheduled for August - the more I struggle with his behaviour. He's nearly 30 - some of the traits which I put down to adolescence being full of himself don't seem to have worn off. My daughter has been going out with him for over 10 years, and he is the only boyfriend she has ever had.

So today he informed me, when I asked him about his job he told me that I didn't know anything about the corporate world.

He mansplained all sorts of things about a university which I attended and he didn't attend.

He began eating as soon as food was put in front of him. (My husband cooked.)

He didn't thank us for the meal.

He didn't ask either of us anything about our own pursuits or opinions but spent the entire time talking about what he'd done and what he thought.

Interestingly they had travelled up to go to the wedding reception of one of my daughter's oldest friends - before the friend and her new husband emigrate. However, at the last minute he decided he was 'too tired' and so my daughter went to the event on her own.

So is my daughter marrying a rude selfish tosser?

OP posts:
user1486613612 · 12/02/2017 15:33

Sounds a bit like my dad. Hmm Is he Swedish by any chance??

BagelGoesWalking · 12/02/2017 15:37

"My daughter has been going out with him for over 10 years, and he is the only boyfriend she has ever had."

This jumped out at me, so she was about 16/17/18 when she first started going out with him?

Very difficult to split from someone after a decade and if she met him while young. How does she react when he says things like he's more intelligent than him etc?

However, unless she shows/talks about doubts, I would imagine it would be very difficult to say anything as it may propel her into being even more determined to marry the guy.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/02/2017 15:38

Going against the grain here, but I have always voiced my opinions about my childrens' partners.

DD's ex for example was a nice enough boy, kind and funny and bright. He was also quite lazy, really really hopeless with money and a bit of a scrounger. I told her I thought that while he was nice, and I did like him, if she ended up with him there was a fairly good chance she would be poor all her life and end up shouldering the financial burden, while he spent all their money.

None of her friends ever saw him in that light so it was useful for her to consider my views.

I don't think expressing my opinion has affected my relationship with my kids at all

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/02/2017 15:39

It's difficult, but they have stayed together for ten years. All you can do really, is keep on loving your daughter, and being the ever supportive parents, that you are. As long as the lines of communication are always left open, she knows you're there.

cantkeepawayforever · 12/02/2017 15:39

Just to add a different perspective:

When we were engaged, my DH was called home by his parents to be told that he should break off our engagement because they didn't like me and I wouldn't make him happy.

We're nearing 20 years of happy married life now, with 2 teenage children. The main effect of that long ago event has been to distance my ILs from us, and deny them the opportunity to know our children (who they dislike on principle because they are mine) well.

Original poster
ElinorRigby · 12/02/2017 15:40

I think she's very different from my younger daughter. The younger one has always asked me what I think about anybody she's going out with. There have been a couple of significant relationships. She also asked my advice about ditching the first one! (She's only just got together with the second.)

With my older daughter it's just like there is a wall. She's close to her Dad, but has never asked him what he thinks either. It's like, 'This is my boyfriend and you will accept him and no discussion is possible.''

I suspect from one or two things my older has let drop is that a number of her old friends don't care for him - and her future husband hasn't cared for the old friends. So either the friends have got dropped, or my daughter just sees them on her own if she comes to see us.

My partner is planning to talk to her soon, though this is very much round a specific issue. Our son is not neurotypical and can be rather awkward as well as being quite unconventional. But he's also someone who means well and values his family. As far as we know, from when we last saw him his sister has not invited him to the wedding - so this is a matter of particular concern.

OP posts:
BIWI · 12/02/2017 15:44

Could it be that he's nervous, and trying to impress you? Over-compensating, somehow?

However, I don't like the way you describe him talking about your daughter. And in this instance:

Although he is very clear that he is more intelligent than she is, and has said this in front of her. Another time when I had to bite my lip

I don't think you should keep your mouth shut! That's a dreadful thing to say. And surely there would have been nothing wrong (from anyone's perspective) in sticking up for your daughter?

DeterminedToChange · 12/02/2017 15:46

(Although he is very clear that he is more intelligent than she is, and has said this in front of her. Another time when I had to bite my lip.)

I would not have kept quiet there.

It's terrible that your daughter is not inviting her own brother to their wedding. Really awful.

When she was with her controlling school friends, did she complain about them at all? Did you ever discuss them with her?

Remember that whatever you say will be remembered by her - if you are careful in what you say she may well bring it to mind later if she's having trouble with him. One thing that strikes me is that he sounds as though he'd be a real bugger to be divorced from - I know that you can't really bring that up when they're getting married, but I do think it's a mistake to marry someone who would be a nightmare if things went wrong, particularly if they had children.

RandomMess · 12/02/2017 15:48

Why don't you have a conversation with your DD saying you were surprised he didn't support her by pulling out of the wedding and is she ok about it. I would make it clear to my DC that everyone has good points but with a life partner it's how their weak/negative points affect us that matter.

You don't have to slate him or say what you think of him just have that conservation which brings up what you think is essential in making a marriage happy.

Amandahugandkisses · 12/02/2017 15:49

I would be very concerned too. I would have to say something.

FloorHugger · 12/02/2017 15:49

I wondered about nerves also BIWI.

My DH is terribly terribly shy so when he is in a situation he feels nervous in he tends to gabble, and does the mansplaining thing also. He also does not ask people about themselves because he was taught it was ride to pry into other people's business.

He comes across as rude and arrogant, I know. (Believe me, I know!) But actually he is a bit at sea when it comes to relating to others. I spend a fair amount of time 'translating' him for other people. He's actually very kind and generous.

Juveniledelinquent · 12/02/2017 15:53

Keep your opinions completely to yourself and do your best to get on with your future SIL.

JoJoSM2 · 12/02/2017 15:54

When my sister was about to get married, I did speak up and expressed my concerns. She got upset with me. When she got divorced 3 years later, she said that she still found my pre-wedding input unkind. Apparently, at the time she felt that getting married was the right decision and needed to make her own mind up in her own time. I'd leave your daughter to it.

ShakeofFara · 12/02/2017 15:57

I hope you don't me asking but is this Lobster Boy? If so you are most definitely NBU.

VirgilsStaff · 12/02/2017 16:02

Sounds a bit like my (ex) German BiL, although his parents also rather rude.

You can't say anything of course - just be there for your daughter.

NotInMyBackYard1 · 12/02/2017 16:04

OP Did I read correctly above that your DD has not invited your DS to her wedding??? Shock

hopelesslycynical · 12/02/2017 16:07

He doesn't sound that bad really. It's true he doesn't sound wonderful either, and you're not unreasonable in having doubts but seriously he could be a whole lot worse. IMO, the fact that you don't like him anyway (which is totally your choice - you don't have to like your kids partners!) makes you biased against him. With the issues you have listed, I think wouldn't rankle with you if you actually liked him iyswim. I'd say the fact that your dd has been with him for 10 years means she knows him and loves him. I wouldn't say anything to her, it will be counterproductive and cause bad feeling between you. It's her life and her choice. All you can do is be there for her if things do go wrong and make sure she knows it. There's nothing like "I Told You So" to create a rift in a relationship.

JellyWitch · 12/02/2017 16:08

I married someone like that. I am sure my parents were relieved when we divorced a few years later. Sadly there wouldn't have been anything they could have said at the time to change things.

Original poster
ElinorRigby · 12/02/2017 16:09

As far as I'm aware she hasn't invited her brother. My son can be a bit hapless and lose and forget things. But he told us this was the case. There's been an initial save the day postcard, as well as a more formal invitation with details.

He also moves around a fair bit, which can make him harder to get in touch with. But he does have a mobile phone, an email account and is in semi-regular contact with family members.

So my partner was planning to have a meal with my older daughter when he's next in town, and find out whether she's not sent out any invitations to him - and if that is the case, to ask why. (Because that would obviously be a big issue.)

OP posts:
Juveniledelinquent · 12/02/2017 16:10

Please keep out of this OP. Your daughter is an adult, she's been with her partner for 10 years, it's entirely up to her. There is no way speaking out will end well.

theclick · 12/02/2017 16:12

I got married 18 months ago. If my parents had not liked my fiancé, I would have gone into it feeling terrible and likely broken up with him. I would try and broach the subject with her.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/02/2017 16:16

After 10 years, it is a bit late to suddenly mention that you don't like him

tiggytape · 12/02/2017 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheScottishPlay · 12/02/2017 16:19

Being an only child doesn't make you rude and entitled.
What's made you so judgemental?

NewPuppyMum · 12/02/2017 16:25

I wondered if LobsterBoy too but I think he's worse than this guy.