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AIBU?

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Original poster

... to dislike my future son-in-law?

187 replies

ElinorRigby · 12/02/2017 14:50

We had a rare visit from him and my daughter today - the first time we've seen him in over a year. They live in London - about 2 hours away. We sometimes see my daughter in Central London, but her partner is normally 'too busy' to come along.

The nearer the wedding comes - it's scheduled for August - the more I struggle with his behaviour. He's nearly 30 - some of the traits which I put down to adolescence being full of himself don't seem to have worn off. My daughter has been going out with him for over 10 years, and he is the only boyfriend she has ever had.

So today he informed me, when I asked him about his job he told me that I didn't know anything about the corporate world.

He mansplained all sorts of things about a university which I attended and he didn't attend.

He began eating as soon as food was put in front of him. (My husband cooked.)

He didn't thank us for the meal.

He didn't ask either of us anything about our own pursuits or opinions but spent the entire time talking about what he'd done and what he thought.

Interestingly they had travelled up to go to the wedding reception of one of my daughter's oldest friends - before the friend and her new husband emigrate. However, at the last minute he decided he was 'too tired' and so my daughter went to the event on her own.

So is my daughter marrying a rude selfish tosser?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 12/02/2017 18:49

hmcAsWas

How would you judge if what the sibling had done was "heinous" enough?

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 12/02/2017 19:09

For a moment OP I had a horrible feeling you were talking about my ex. But if your daughter has been with him for ten years then unfortunately that means there must be two of them Shock.

I'm sure your daughter does, or will see the problems. But don't criticise him to her - just agree if she says anything to you. Remind her close to the wedding that she doesn't have to go through with it but otherwise say nothing - my Mum's criticisms of my ex (though perfectly valid echoes of all the doubts I had in my head anyway) made me furiously defensive of him and actually made it much harder to back down and admit I was wrong about him, and probably ended up prolonging the relationship because I was an idiot. Sympathy!

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/02/2017 19:34

If they are only getting married after 10 years it may be that they are doing so to try and heal a relationship that was beginning to flounder (it may not be the case too, but it's not unknown for couples to do this). So if you can find an opportunity to let her talk that may give her a way out if she needs it and if she takes it.

But if she doesn't ask you your opinion about him, she probably has very different ideas of what she wants in a partner to what she thinks you would value. So it may be that she is actually quite happy with all that he does. I agree with others that the intelligence comment is the most concerning thing in terms of whether he is actually bad for her rather than someone who you don't like (even if for good reason). If he makes lots of comments about how she fails to measure up to him and has done so for the last 10 years, she may have internalised a lot of that and feel she can't do better (but she may give as good as she gets in other situations and it's all a part of a give and take they're both comfortable with). But I don't think simply telling her what you think will do any good at all. The best you can do is try to make sure she has the space to talk about it. Are you close to any of her friends at all? Can you ask them what they think without making it a matter of gossiping about your daughter behind her back?

hmcAsWas · 12/02/2017 20:46

Because I am quite bright Boney and can make good judgement calls

(Jesus!)

hmcAsWas · 12/02/2017 21:12

Its a slow news day!

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/02/2017 21:55

hmcAsWas

I suppose what I am am asking is why are you judging one child's reasoning against their siblings actions?

Why does the child's reason have to fit with your idea of what is "heinous"?

thewholeplacestinks · 12/02/2017 22:10

Op I was reading your post with both interest and sympathy until your fucking annoying MN text book comment about his twatishness being down to him being a fucking 'only'. What a load of bollocks. Pissed me right off how a child with no siblings gets scrutinised on here and if they so much as grunt it is because they are a fucking 'only' child. Your dd's husband to be reads like a Dick but I doubt it has anything to do with being a child without siblings FFS Angry

Magzmarsh · 12/02/2017 22:15

lol I got quoted...slinks off....

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2017 22:34

It does sound like he's a bit of a risky character.
I don't like that he doesn't like her friends, and has caused there to be less contact between your DD and her friends.
I don't like that he is rude to and about her in front of you (and I agree you probably could have said something at that point)
I don't like how she has been with him for 10 years and no one else, so this is her only benchmark of a relationship. She may have realised he's not "The One" or even that nice, but if he IS as unpleasant as he sounds, it's also quite possible that he's telling her (overtly or covertly) that she'll never get anyone as good as him, that no one else would want her anyway and she might believe him, at least a bit, and decide it's better to be with him than on her own forever. (Been there).

I would just ask her if she's sure this is the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life, especially if it turns out that her brother hasn't been invited - someone who doesn't get on with any of her family or friends, and someone who thinks he is cleverer than her, and doesn't want her "embarrassing" family at their wedding (probably is him, let's face it) - ask her if she can see herself having children with him, growing old with him.

If she says yes, then you can only stand back and wait to catch her when/if she falls.

Do NOT offer her money to leave him, I know a few parents who did that, never worked out well. (As in, "here's £1000, go away, have a lovely holiday, please don't marry this one") especially when the spouse found out about it afterwards (they nearly always do).

Good luck.

BakeOffBiscuits · 12/02/2017 22:40

Pissing myself at the Sun deciding the Poster really is called "Elinor Rigby" 😂

Hedgehogparty · 12/02/2017 22:46

Good post from Thumb summing up the concerns.
If he is happy to put her down in company, I wonder what he's like in private?
I'd be alarmed too, but as I suspect he is capable of isolating her further from her family and friends. I think the best thing at this stage is to simply be there for her.

bobberybobble · 12/02/2017 22:57

Could his cock-esq behaviour just be because he is trying to impress you.

I.e. Talking about himself a lot, trying to paint an impressive picture of himself?

How does he treat your daughter? Is she happy?

My dad and my partner, hate socialising, it's almost an anxiety thing. (Neither have Facebook or twitter either) I attend most social events on my own, as does my Mum. Both my partner and father are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. They are just really private and a bit socially awkward!

I would only mention something if you think your daughter has a problem, it's her husband not yours.

springydaffs · 13/02/2017 00:02

A few people warned me about my sbh , and later on when I was in hell I was very grateful they'd had the courage to say something. Because it was a light in the darkness as I battled to get out of that terrible marriage.

BUT you're saying your daughter gives a definite 'don't make any comments about my life' vibe so I think you're going to have to keep quiet. I wonder if she is enamoured with his upwardly mobile prospects and therefore blind that he's coming across as an ignorant boor.

I also wonder if he treats you, or older people, the way he treats his parents: all lumped into one category.

corythatwas · 13/02/2017 01:02

There's an awful lot of posters on this thread trying to excuse the man who tells his fiancée in public that he is more intelligent than her, on the grounds that maybe he is socially awkward.

If I were the OP, I wouldn't care if he was socially awkward: I'd be saying to myself "what is another 30 years of this going to do to my dd's self-esteem?"

Not sure there is much you can do atm, OP. But I can quite see where you are coming from. It is so easy for young women to fall into the trap of "oh, my new man is so wonderful, he must be so much cleverer than me because he keeps telling me so".

Tracey300884 · 13/02/2017 01:38

Who is LobsterBoy??

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/02/2017 07:36

I wonder if the "don't make any comment on my life" vibes are because she doesn't want to have to tell anyone what it's really like, in case they're horrified. IF it's an abusive relationship (and it certainly has some of the hallmarks of one) then she may have some glimmerings of understanding of that herself, but has convinced herself (or believed him) that it's the best she's going to get, she's made her choice and she's going to stick with it.

So she wouldn't want anyone to tell her how awful it really is, because then she'd have to actually LOOK at her situation and go "fuck yeah, it really IS that bad, what have I let myself in for?!"

That's just one possibility though - but it's the one that worries me the most about this whole situation.

CoraPirbright · 13/02/2017 07:58

If someone, anyone was being a git/rude etc, wouldn't you say something? So just because he is a future son in law, why is he allowed to get away with it? When he is mansplaining about your own university, can you not politely point out that you know all about it as you went there and he didnt? I just say this from the point of view as a person whose SIL is very rude indeed and has been alllowed to get away with it for years as no one wanted to upset the apple cart. It's a pretty miserable situation.

Also, can I ask, does he mansplain to your husband? You say he is from a different cultural background so I am wondering if he has inherited some old fashioned rather chauvinistic views. How does your DH view him?

liliesandlilacs · 13/02/2017 08:11

Say something. Your duty it to your daughter and not to BF.

mrsmuddlepies · 13/02/2017 08:29

Would posters give the same advice to all parents who had concerns about the partners of their children? Whenever there is a post about a controlling wife most posters are quick to tell them to butt out.

senua · 13/02/2017 08:43

If you can't talk directly to DD can you try the old "I have a friend ..." trick. Discuss how upset you are that your "friend's" DD is being alienated from those around her by her OH. Old friends, parents, sibling - all being distanced so she is now isolated. Describe the scene a few years on from where DD is now, show her the (?possible?) consequences of being with this man.
Plant the seed and see if she joins the dots herself.

Rugbyplayersarehot · 13/02/2017 08:52

Totally agree with cora I wouldn't allow any fucker to tell one of my kids they were cleverer than them in front of me. Crap construction there but you know what I mean. Grin

Cultural issues, mmmm could they mean he's a sexist pig?

Deidre21 · 13/02/2017 17:45

On another note, don't assume that all people who were an only child don't know how to share. You should just be supportive of your daughter, irrespective of what you notice in your future SIL, just be there for her as difficult as it might seem at times. It is difficult as well when he is the only boyfriend she has had.

Kiroro · 13/02/2017 17:50

Please don't say anything to your DD! She will know what you think of him!

Just be neutral/bland about him.
Be there for your DD for when she realises he is a knob.

Goodasgoldilox · 13/02/2017 17:56

This is tough for you OP!

He does not sound very 'grown-up' (to say te least)... but you are probably going to have to be 'Pollyanna' and play the glad-game until you can believe it.

If you daughter loves him - you have no choice. Nature demands that she chooses him over you but doing so will hurt her. You don't want to hurt or to lose her.

If your daughter doesn't absolutely love him - your determined approval of him will mean that she does not have to defend him to you. (It is hard to be clear-headed about someone you have to stick-up for as you spend your life looking for their good points.)

Complain to us on here - as much as you like!
Be Pollyanna at home.