... to dislike my future son-in-law?

[ElinorRigby]

We had a rare visit from him and my daughter today - the first time we've seen him in over a year. They live in London - about 2 hours away. We sometimes see my daughter in Central London, but her partner is normally 'too busy' to come along.

The nearer the wedding comes - it's scheduled for August - the more I struggle with his behaviour. He's nearly 30 - some of the traits which I put down to adolescence being full of himself don't seem to have worn off. My daughter has been going out with him for over 10 years, and he is the only boyfriend she has ever had.

So today he informed me, when I asked him about his job he told me that I didn't know anything about the corporate world.

He mansplained all sorts of things about a university which I attended and he didn't attend.

He began eating as soon as food was put in front of him. (My husband cooked.)

He didn't thank us for the meal.

He didn't ask either of us anything about our own pursuits or opinions but spent the entire time talking about what he'd done and what he thought.

Interestingly they had travelled up to go to the wedding reception of one of my daughter's oldest friends - before the friend and her new husband emigrate. However, at the last minute he decided he was 'too tired' and so my daughter went to the event on her own.

So is my daughter marrying a rude selfish tosser?

Yep, been there. DD married bf after going out with him all through uni.
We really didn't like him and neither did her cousins .He left her after 6 months and she is now happily remarried with a baby.
We never gave our opinion about first husband and still haven't.
All you can do is be there for her.

I think the "I'm more intelligent than you" bit is concerning, particularly as they've been together since she was young. It could be that he has made her feel that she can't do any better and that might be reinforced by him being successful and earning good money.

Surely you've seen him a few times over the 10 years? So he should be past the shyness of saying thank you for food and things like that?

I don't like the sound of him....but what can you do? You can't criticise him to your dd and alienate her, you can only be there for her if she needs you. .....however if it transpires that she hasn't invited her brother to her wedding - well then in that scenario you'll have to speak out!

Bite the tongue and keep your fingers crossed! I have several DDs and some of the chaps they chose made me surreptitiously raise an eyebrow - but they have all turned out to be honest loving husbands and fathers.

The important thing is does she like him - unfortunately whether you like him or not is neither here nor there! Take a deep breath! - you have to trust her judgement.

I just don't get this. I am actually quite shocked to be so out of step with the majority. Why would you not give your child/sister/best mate a gentle, fact based opinion if you thought their partner was no good for them?

Because op has said this Tinkly:
"With my older daughter it's just like there is a wall. She's close to her Dad, but has never asked him what he thinks either. It's like, 'This is my boyfriend and you will accept him and no discussion is possible"

I don't think you have to like him, you aren't the one about to marry him. I also think that after 10 years there's very little you can do about it now, they are well established!

ElinorRigby

Do you know if he has worked out that you hate dislike him?

Also is it your partners place to bring up any of this?
I assume that he isn't her father, is your son her half brother? Do they get along?

I do find it interesting that you blame her bf for her old friends not liking him, but she still sees them. So is there really a problem?

It is hard isn't it. A family member has a similar sounding partner, rude manners, ungrateful for many the kindnesses and extreme generosity shown to him, self opinionated and full of his own self importance.

But , the family member went through a period of huge self doubt following a dreadful tragedy, and he makes her happy and for the first time in years she is in a happy place with herself and slowly coming out of her depression. so what can you do, we suck it up and don't diss him to her, or to her mother.

Having said that, I dont know if I could do the same if she was my own daughter.

My XH was like this. I was with him because I had zero self esteem and thought I should count myself lucky he wanted to be with me at all. My boundaries were utterly non-existent

My parents never said anything. It validated my thinking that it was normal for me to be treated like that. My parents are generally fab but have never said they love me (I know they do but they just never say the words), never told me they were proud of me or that it was ok to stand up for myself etc.

I had two friends from uni who didn't like him. They told me and I didn't cut them off, and they were the first people I told when we split up. I just thought their standards were too high and unrealistic. I've caught on since then

Please let your daughter know that it's flat out wrong for him to speak to her like that. No excuses. Flat out wrong

for you OP, I know it's difficult to be the messenger

I think the majority is saying don't say anything. But I do know a family where both daughters ended up with people that did not deserve them, and it's ended in tears. I think you need to ask a fried who can tell you the honest truth as to whether or not you should try to find out if your daughter thinks she will be truly happy. Because in the cases I know of, I was shocked the mum didn't get involved and now the results are sad. But I think asking people you don't know won't really bring you the answers you need.

Not RTFT and clearly might be totally off the mark but is there any chance he is on the autistic spectrum and/or has mental health difficulties? I have Asperger's Syndrome and I recognise some of your post in myself unfortunately...with food I struggle to know when is the right time to start eating, if people ask me questions I tend to just answer them and forget that I'm supposed to ask questions back out of politeness etc, and struggle with other conversational social norms. Accompanying that I have an anxiety disorder who means I often avoid meeting up with people I don't know well, and often means I cancel on events at the last minute due to a huge build-up of anxiety meaning I'm unable to go even though I wanted to.

I appreciate this may be totally off the mark but just thought I'd post on the off chance. I constantly worry about people thinking I'm rude, selfish, uncaring etc when that couldn't be further from the truth, I just have difficulties with some things that come naturally to most people.

I have been to so many events where I've been introduced to the husbands of lovely, interesting women and met, basically older versions of the man you describe. Self important, disinterested in anything about anyone else ( unless they might be useful...you should have seen one man's attitude to me change when in passing I mentioned my brother's very senior role in his industry. Tosser.)

What I'm saying is this, these women have stuck with their men,had kids and a good lifestyle. I presume they close their eyes to the flaws and get used to it. Possibly they are ok when they are together alone but there is a need to show off in company.

I think you bite your tongue. I love my ds's gf very much but have some real concerns about her. I won't ever voice them, they are part of what she is and my ds isn't blind so he knows and accepts.

You don't sound massively approachable yourselves, TBH

I can understand your reservations but I do think you are pussy footing around the issues too much.

"Although he is very clear that he is more intelligent than she is, and has said this in front of her. Another time when I had to bite my lip"

YOur Partner is "planning" to take your dd out and breach the topic of her not inviting her brother to her wedding?

You shouldn't be biting your lip, or planning a meeting, just come out and say it. If someone said they were more intelligent than my dd I would laugh and say something like "oh are you? that's nice"

It took me a while to warm to my future SIL, they are feeling married this summer too. He did come across as all "me, me, me" but having got to know him better, that has now gone and I think it was nerves. However I do think your SIL sounds like a knob, you do have to bit your lip sometimes, but stick up for her too! Don't let him get a way with saying things which undermine her self esteem.

I'd also have said something to your dd about him missing the wedding reception. I'd have said "it's a shame you couldn't go as a couple, why didn't he go?"

We went to a wedding over the weekend where the MIL-to-be despised the DH-to-be. Suffice to say that regardless of her doubts, concerns and overt dislike for him, the marriage went ahead and all she's managed to do is drive a (quite enormous) wedge between herself and her DD. She didn't enjoy even a minute of the day, didn't smile, didn't tell anyone how thrilled she was, she simply sulked and pouted and moaned that everything cost her a fortune.

It's one think to think someone's a tosspot. It's another thing entirely to assume that the person in love with them wants to hear it. Keep your mouth closed and accept it for what it is. Then stand by, support your DD and if the time comes that she doesn't want to be with him, hold her hand and help her walk away with dignity and not a single "I told you so".

I just don't get this. I am actually quite shocked to be so out of step with the majority. Why would you not give your child/sister/best mate a gentle, fact based opinion if you thought their partner was no good for them?
Because you're questioning their judgement, and it usually goes down like a lead balloon. If they were that open minded to consider your 'friendly' chat, then I doubt they would be in that situation anyway. Getting married is a big step, I would say most people are certain before they do it. Of course they may be situations where it is appropriate to say something, e.g. the husband/wife to be is an addict, or your friend/ relative is vulnerable etc, but generally I think is best to let adults be adults.

I don't think you have to criticise him or say you don't like him. I do think however that you could try to have a conversation where you ask your daughter how she feels about certain aspects. For example, the comment where he put her down, not going to the wedding, her seeing her friends on her own.

Personally I don't like the sound of him. He's very similar to a few partners of people I know - and somebody I went out with. I think the key with your daughter is not to make her defensive. Ultimately you're not going to change her mind. But you can make her think about things she is lying to herself about.

I'm 55 and got married at 21. Looking back, my parents were probably very worried that I was making a big mistake, but they could see I was quite sure about what I was doing and they may have concluded (rightly) that saying anything would be a waste of breath. Now, in my case, things have worked out very well and I'm still married to the same man. But I do remember how it felt to be very young and pigheaded. I was sure I knew better than anyone else, and I would have been very upset if my parents had tried to put me off my prospective husband.

Having said that, if he'd ever attempted to put me down in front of others (or at all, actually), I'd have been off. That is troubling.

However, the OP's daughter is in her late 20s, not her teens. She has to work it out for herself. She's had ten years with this fellow. It does sound as if she has rather different values/priorities from the rest of her family. That may mean the relationship will suit her well, difficult thought that may be to understand. Only time will tell.

The best the OP and her husband can do is try to find some extremely tactful way to make it plain that there is no shame at all in backing out of a wedding if she has any doubts. Maybe her sister could be deputed to say this?

The bit about not inviting her brother is very worrying, having said all of the above. For me that would be utterly unacceptable.

Im am quite shocked to be so out of step with the majority. Why would you not give your child/sister/best mate a gentle, fact based opinion if you thought their partner was no good for them?

I agre with you, I'm shocked too.

But I wouldn't be very blunt and say "I don't think he's good for you because of X, Y, Z."
I'd gently ask questions about why something had happened, or been said and ask if she was ok with it.

And the more I think about the "keep your mouth shut" comments, the more shocked I am.
As I said, there's no need to say "I hate his guts, why are you with him?" But there should be conversations with your child, to check they are ok.

"The bit about not inviting her brother is very worrying, having said all of the above. For me that would be utterly unacceptable"

Yup, me too. It would be a case of: no brother? Okay then, we're not coming either

hmrcAsWas "it would be a case of; no brother? OKay then, we're not coming either"

That wouldn't be very supportive of a dd, who the OP is worried about. IMO it would be better to find out why, and ask if she thinks that's fair to do that to your brother.

Well obviously I would try everything possible to reason with and to persuade a child of mine to invite his / her sibling to their wedding - but if they were to remain adamant then ultimately I would take a hard line, how could you not... (unless sibling had done something absolutely heinous and unforgivable to them)

Oh dear this has made the suns twitter